I (23F) live at home with my mum, older sister (25F) and younger sibling (19)
Context; My sister has high functioning autism, while my younger sibling has higher functioning autism but cannot drive and relies heavily on our help (my mum is their carer). I recently was made redundant from my full time job, so I have been home while looking for another job and preparing to start my Diploma next week.
Recently my mum went to the ER and ended up needing an emergency appendectomy and a hernia repair. I stayed up late talking to her and got no sleep.
For the last week since her surgery, I have basically done everything to help her out. I visited the hospital and brought her clothes and things she needed, arranged for her car to be brought back to our house, picked her up from hospital and have done a lot to care for her and help with my younger sibling at home as well as doing things around the house.
During this time, my sister has done very little to help out despite telling my mum to not do anything because WE will handle it all.
A few nights ago, my mum reminded us we needed to take out the bins so I asked my sister to help. She announced that she was going out and would help when she got back, but she did roll the bins out to the curb before she drove away.
Before she left, I asked her if she could cook dinner that night and she agreed to do it if I bought the ingredients. I went shopping and got things for my mum, sibling and also stuff for dinner and around the house. We waited 4 hours for her to get home, and by the time she got back at 10pm we were starving.
She came back, announced she didn’t feel like cooking, took out two bags of rubbish and went to her room.
Furious, I went out to get myself take out for dinner. I planned to cook some soup for my mum when I got back, but when I got home I found her in the kitchen cooking herself dinner. I tried to take over but she told me to eat, and then broke down and told me how my sister had made herself dinner the night before but didn’t offer to help my mum out with food, so she had to have some chicken noodles because she couldn’t stand long enough to cook.
The next day my mum asked her to help with food, She went to get our sibling food, and then left because she had ordered herself dinner without asking either of us if we wanted anything. I ended up going out to get my mum and I food again.
Yesterday, she complained again she didnt want to cook and started looking at take out options, and ended up getting dinner for my mum and herself at a place I cant really eat from due to allergies. So I again got myself food and helped my mum with stuff the rest of the evening.
Today, my sister has been out all day and ive been home with my mum again doing my own uni work.
I texted my sister asking if she would cook dinner and she said she cant be bothered and that shes tired.
So WIBTA if I confronted her? Or AITA for even feeling frustrated in the first place?
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I (23F) live at home with my mum, older sister (25F) and younger sibling (19)
Context; My sister has high functioning autism, while my younger sibling has higher functioning autism but cannot drive and relies heavily on our help (my mum is their carer). I recently was made redundant from my full time job, so I have been home while looking for another job and preparing to start my Diploma next week.
Recently my mum went to the ER and ended up needing an emergency appendectomy and a hernia repair. I stayed up late talking to her and got no sleep.
For the last week since her surgery, I have basically done everything to help her out. I visited the hospital and brought her clothes and things she needed, arranged for her car to be brought back to our house, picked her up from hospital and have done a lot to care for her and help with my younger sibling at home as well as doing things around the house.
During this time, my sister has done very little to help out despite telling my mum to not do anything because WE will handle it all.
A few nights ago, my mum reminded us we needed to take out the bins so I asked my sister to help. She announced that she was going out and would help when she got back, but she did roll the bins out to the curb before she drove away.
Before she left, I asked her if she could cook dinner that night and she agreed to do it if I bought the ingredients. I went shopping and got things for my mum, sibling and also stuff for dinner and around the house. We waited 4 hours for her to get home, and by the time she got back at 10pm we were starving.
She came back, announced she didn’t feel like cooking, took out two bags of rubbish and went to her room.
Furious, I went out to get myself take out for dinner. I planned to cook some soup for my mum when I got back, but when I got home I found her in the kitchen cooking herself dinner. I tried to take over but she told me to eat, and then broke down and told me how my sister had made herself dinner the night before but didn’t offer to help my mum out with food, so she had to have some chicken noodles because she couldn’t stand long enough to cook.
The next day my mum asked her to help with food, She went to get our sibling food, and then left because she had ordered herself dinner without asking either of us if we wanted anything. I ended up going out to get my mum and I food again.
Yesterday, she complained again she didnt want to cook and started looking at take out options, and ended up getting dinner for my mum and herself at a place I cant really eat from due to allergies. So I again got myself food and helped my mum with stuff the rest of the evening.
Today, my sister has been out all day and ive been home with my mum again doing my own uni work.
I texted my sister asking if she would cook dinner and she said she cant be bothered and that shes tired.
So WIBTA if I confronted her? Or AITA for even feeling frustrated in the first place?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I may be the asshole because I know my sister has been working and doing uni for part of her day, while I have been home and have more time to help out at home, but I want to confront her for not helping out even minimally
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You‘ve every right to feel contention towards her irreverent, entitled behaviour. Taking family for granted and becoming little but a domestic parasite is appalling.
YWNBTA – but it is clear she is avoiding the task. Stop repeating the same mistake by asking her and expecting her to do it and then being disappointed when she doesn’t . She has shown you she won’t do it. Give her other duties and you cook to keep the load balanced.
Question. Does “Functioning Autism” also have symptoms of “Narcissism” …
I ask because I sense that your sister is oblivious to the compassion the situation requires. She appears unaware of what a jerk she is being.
You are not an AH, but you shouldn’t be aggressive, but rather explanatory when setting her straight on the expectation that if she promises to cook that you are relying on her to do so, and if she can’t, she needs to bring food for four people not just herself.
I mean, welcome to a bunch of adults living together who aren’t partners, but you aren’t TA for being annoyed.
Confront her about it. You’re doing more than your fair share right now.
NTA – being on the spectrum does not give her the right to not contribute.
NTA, right now the division of labor is falling all on you and it’s not fair. Your sister should be participating in helping out.
It may be worthwhile to sit down and have a family meeting about the division of labor at the house while your mom is out. Assign housework as fairly as possible so not one person is taking the brunt of it. It’s ok if the division is unequal. For example, if someone is working full time and going to school, it may make sense that they do a little less than someone not working and going to school. The point is that everyone is contributing, besides your mom since she can’t. You say both your sisters have autism, so doing it this way provides clear expectations and a schedule of when things should be done. When someone isn’t doing their part, you can point back to the agreement. It may help to have your mom be a participant to have an outside view of what is actually fair since she’s more of a neutral party.
The whole dinner thing may need to be a compromise. Obviously your sister doesn’t want to cook. Sometimes we have to suck it up and do things we don’t like to do, but that will often lead people to half ass it or avoid it as long as possible. Could she be in charge of dinner 1-2 nights a week and for those nights you guys all have takeout? Or maybe she needs something easier to cook. I’m not the cook in my home because my husband genuinely enjoys doing it. When I have to be in charge of cooking because he’s had surgery I make sure to stock the kitchen with easier meals since cooking is a chore for me.
NTA! This definitely merits an honest and direct conversation. I already know this will be ridiculously long, but I swear on my life, the personal shit is relevant and I’m going somewhere with it.
I say this as someone else with “high-functioning” autism:
From what you’ve said, your sister committed to taking care of “everything” and included you in this commitment without consulting you — thereby not giving your mother the opportunity to realistically anticipate the need for more help and plan for it by arranging assistance from friends, neighbors, or extended family.
She then proceeded to “go out” regularly (is she a student? is she employed? does she have any actual obligations beyond this verbal commitment she’s made for the both of you without your consent?) and pick and choose what she does and doesn’t “feel like” doing to help, AFTER agreeing with you to perform specific tasks. This demonstrates both a lack of consistent, genuine care/thought for the needs of the rest of the family, making her initial commitment seem performative at best, and a poor sense of foresight and time/energy management.
I am ashamed to say I can be the same way and I can understand (possibly) why she is behaving this way. Speaking from my own experience as a neurodivergent individual, I love my family deeply and want to be there for them/support them/show them how important they are to me in any way I can, but I also struggle to realistically recognize my own needs and limitations, often causing me to overcommit to tasks without anticipating the physical/mental/emotional toll it will take on my loved ones if I fail to meet the expectations I have set, and the damage that failure will cause to my sense of self-worth if I am forced to truly see and acknowledge that I have caused harm despite having good intentions. (More on that in a minute; bear with me.)
NTA. I’d probably confront her and tell her to step up to help your mom. Just do it gently. Being autistic doesn’t entitle one to be an asshole. I swear if I had a dime for posts I read where there’s someone using autism as an excuse to be an asshole, I’d have many, many dimes.