Hey fellow THT listeners! I’m supposed to be studying for finals, but I’m spiraling from what I just uncovered.
For context, I’m 18F, and I have two younger siblings: D (16M) and C (14F). My mom (44F) has been an alcoholic for most of my childhood. My younger siblings don’t remember her any other way, but I do — including traumatic events like her drunk driving when we were little. Growing up, it was an unspoken rule that we couldn’t talk about her addiction; if we did, we’d either get the silent treatment or nasty looks. At some point it became normal — pretending that everything was fine — because we basically learned to be independent so that we didn’t have to interact with her. My father, a child of an alcoholic and of divorce, stayed in the marriage for us kids; despite us telling him that it’d be better for us if he divorced (he’s a very good but very traditional man), he felt it was his duty to stand by his family.
After my mom’s second DUI and a gun charge, she started her sobriety journey — but even as she started attending AA, she remained manipulative and acted like nothing had happened and got even more involved in her mom-of-the-year act for the public. After my father moved out to care for my paternal grandmother (Nan), my mom started “living her best life”. My father still payed the bills, but she got to live in the house by herself. She started posting a bunch of inspirational but hypocritical crap on Facebook, downloaded a bunch of dating apps (I have access to her email on my phone, which is why I know so much), etc. She would have random men over to help with tasks like putting up TVs or helping her move — we’d never had any strangers in the house before. We had been living mostly with her during this time because of our pets but eventually had enough and moved in with our dad and Nan.
When we would visit to take care of animals, we would occasionally see A (~50M). Mostly he was outside doing farmwork. In March 2025, I chose to spend a week staying at my mom’s/my childhood house because of proximity to work and my pets. I noticed A was watching TV with my mom, and thought he would leave. He didn’t. He stayed for 3 days before leaving, but by day 2 I was holing myself in my room because he was a strange man playing house with my still-married mom. I told my mom straight-up: “the reason your kids won’t live with you is because you’re living with someone who is a complete stranger to us. It’s inappropriate, and there’s no reason a man you’ve known for less than 4 months is living with you”. Her only response was, “[A]’s not a stranger…” with a confused look on her face. Knowing we wouldn’t live there if she wanted to play house with this random man, we ONLY stayed with our father and went low-contact with mom after she kept acting like nothing happened and A’s been living with her for the past 2 months.
A week ago, A’s daughter (~20F) started living with my mom and A and sleeping in my brother’s old room that still had all of his stuff. My brother noticed his bed was strange after he got to her house one day, confronted my mom, and she just acted shocked and confused that he brought it up. An hour ago, I just found an elopement inquiry and confirmation emails for a travel planner for a wedding in Hawaii within the next year. My mom’s been acting completely normal (any other person’s bizarre) and acts confused any time we bring up frustrations. So… what do I do? Is there even anything to do? My parent’s divorce hasn’t been finalized, and I know she technically can do whatever she wants, but what should I do? WIBTA if I confronted her about this?
Edit: sorry if this is jumbled and for all of the context — I have OCD and it makes it hard to tell stories in a way that might make sense.
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Backup of the post’s body: Hey fellow THT listeners! I’m supposed to be studying for finals, but I’m spiraling from what I just uncovered.
For context, I’m 18F, and I have two younger siblings: D (16M) and C (14F). My mom (44F) has been an alcoholic for most of my childhood. My younger siblings don’t remember her any other way, but I do — including traumatic events like her drunk driving when we were little. Growing up, it was an unspoken rule that we couldn’t talk about her addiction; if we did, we’d either get the silent treatment or nasty looks. At some point it became normal — pretending that everything was fine — because we basically learned to be independent so that we didn’t have to interact with her. My father, a child of an alcoholic and of divorce, stayed in the marriage for us kids; despite us telling him that it’d be better for us if he divorced (he’s a very good but very traditional man), he felt it was his duty to stand by his family.
After my mom’s second DUI and a gun charge, she started her sobriety journey — but even as she started attending AA, she remained manipulative and acted like nothing had happened and got even more involved in her mom-of-the-year act for the public. After my father moved out to care for my paternal grandmother (Nan), my mom started “living her best life”. My father still payed the bills, but she got to live in the house by herself. She started posting a bunch of inspirational but hypocritical crap on Facebook, downloaded a bunch of dating apps (I have access to her email on my phone, which is why I know so much), etc. She would have random men over to help with tasks like putting up TVs or helping her move — we’d never had any strangers in the house before. We had been living mostly with her during this time because of our pets but eventually had enough and moved in with our dad and Nan.
When we would visit to take care of animals, we would occasionally see A (~50M). Mostly he was outside doing farmwork. In March 2025, I chose to spend a week staying at my mom’s/my childhood house because of proximity to work and my pets. I noticed A was watching TV with my mom, and thought he would leave. He didn’t. He stayed for 3 days before leaving, but by day 2 I was holing myself in my room because he was a strange man playing house with my still-married mom. I told my mom straight-up: “the reason your kids won’t live with you is because you’re living with someone who is a complete stranger to us. It’s inappropriate, and there’s no reason a man you’ve known for less than 4 months is living with you”. Her only response was, “[A]’s not a stranger…” with a confused look on her face. Knowing we wouldn’t live there if she wanted to play house with this random man, we ONLY stayed with our father and went low-contact with mom after she kept acting like nothing happened and A’s been living with her for the past 2 months.
A week ago, A’s daughter (~20F) started living with my mom and A and sleeping in my brother’s old room that still had all of his stuff. My brother noticed his bed was strange after he got to her house one day, confronted my mom, and she just acted shocked and confused that he brought it up. An hour ago, I just found an elopement inquiry and confirmation emails for a travel planner for a wedding in Hawaii within the next year. My mom’s been acting completely normal (any other person’s bizarre) and acts confused any time we bring up frustrations. So… what do I do? Is there even anything to do? My parent’s divorce hasn’t been finalized, and I know she technically can do whatever she wants, but what should I do? WIBTA if I confronted her about this?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
NTA, but it won’t help. She will just lie.
And how will she elope if she’s still married? Show all this evidence to your dad. He needs to start the divorce process.
But if he doesn’t, you need to stop making it your problem. It’s his choice to divorce your mother. But if she does get married, she can be brought up on bigamy charges.
Can you guys move all your stuff to your Nan’s house? Pets too?