TL;DR – BFF’s baby shower is soon and I want to sit out due to healing from hysterectomy, and anxiety about meeting coworkers of hers and my husband’s after he cheated on me and the toxicity from their job went on for months.
My (31F) BFF “E” (32F) is expecting her first baby after infertility and her shower is soon. I’m over the moon and can’t wait to be an auntie, but I don’t want to go which may make me the AH because she wants me there and has alluded to the fact that I should just go and be happy for her to cope with what I’m going through.
One – Last month I had an urgent hysterectomy after months of health issues including a miscarriage and another surgery. Recovery has been awful – constant pain, limited mobility, extreme fatigue, etc. Mentally, processing and grieving the loss of my choice and ability to have more children. It’s difficult to not be sad for myself despite how happy I am for E, and I’ve been very down, weepy, and emotional.
Two – When my H and I were in a bad place in Jan, he cheated on me with a coworker where he and E both work. The culture at their job is like high school with gossip and rumors. Many coworkers approached E about rumors they’d heard or generally tried to press for what she knew. It got so bad that someone I didn’t know from their job approached me in public about it.
I’m so anxious over being around the coworkers attending the shower. I hate the thought of meeting anyone who was part of the rumor mill, especially in my current state.
I told a friend I want to stay home, where I can nap and rest and not have to push myself to get dressed up and be in pain in a crowded place when I feel like my insides are falling out can’t stop crying. She told me it’s selfish to not go. That it’s not about me and E said she will never forget if I’m not there.
I’m a huge people pleaser, ironically E always tells me to say no and stand up for myself, so this is a huge deal for me. But now I feel guilty and like I may be an AH for thinking of missing it.
WIBTA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
TL;DR – BFF’s baby shower is soon and I want to sit out due to healing from hysterectomy, and anxiety about meeting coworkers of hers and my husband’s after he cheated on me and the toxicity from their job went on for months.
My (31F) BFF “E” (32F) is expecting her first baby after infertility and her shower is soon. I’m over the moon and can’t wait to be an auntie, but I don’t want to go which may make me the AH because she wants me there.
One – Last month I had an urgent hysterectomy after months of health issues including a miscarriage and another surgery. Recovery has been awful – constant pain, limited mobility, extreme fatigue, etc. Mentally, processing and grieving the loss of my choice and ability to have more children. It’s difficult to not be sad for myself despite how happy I am for E, and I’ve been very down, weepy, and emotional.
Two – When my H and I were in a bad place in Jan, he cheated on me with a coworker where he and E both work. The culture at their job is like high school with gossip and rumors. Many coworkers approached E about rumors they’d heard or generally tried to press for what she knew. It got so bad that someone I didn’t know from their job approached me in public about it.
I’m so anxious over being around the coworkers attending the shower. I hate the thought of meeting anyone who was part of the rumor mill, especially in my current state.
I told a friend I want to stay home, where I can nap and rest and not have to push myself to get dressed up and be in pain in a crowded place when I feel like my insides are falling out can’t stop crying. She told me it’s selfish to not go. That it’s not about me and E will never forget if I’m not there.
I’m a huge people pleaser, ironically E always tells me to say no and stand up for myself, so this is a huge deal for me. But now I feel guilty and like I may be an AH for thinking of missing it.
WIBTA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I may be the asshole because I said I don’t want to go to my BFF’s baby shower and might skip it, despite it being her first baby after years of infertility struggles and she has made it clear she wants me there. I’ve been told I should just go to support her and that it’s selfish not to.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I went to my BFF’s wedding a month after my husband and I decided to divorce, so I think you should go.
Gentle YWBTA
Any good friend would not force you to go to a party so soon after having surgery; she’s the one who is selfish. NTA
NTA. You are never obligated to attend an event. You can decline an invite to a wedding, a baby shower, or a birthday party for any reason at all. (Or no reason at all.)
You’re recovering from surgery. That in and of itself is reason for you to not to attend. You’re also still coming to terms with the loss of your fertility, which can be a grieving process for some. It’s understandable that it’d be hard for you to attend a baby shower with that loss being so fresh. Add to that the workplace drama… You’ve got every reason to decline.
Send your regrets. (Send a gift if you’re so inclined.) If they ask, tell them you can’t make it because you’re still recovering from surgery. If they can’t understand that, they’re the selfish ones, not you.
NTA, you’re not well enough and in recovery from what is considered a fairly major surgery, not to mention the psychological impact of that.
NYA. A hysterectomy is major surgery. The normal crash your body is adjusting too is major too, not to mention YOU ARE HEALING MANY LAYERS AS WELL AS THE INSIDES OF YOUR BODY. You are going to feel like crap for a while, not to mention your husband cheating and a miscarriage will have taken an emotional toll.
You feel like bits are feeling out of you because bits have been cut out of you. Your body is going to take a while to feel normal again. You do not owe your BFF a fake happy face while you are dying on the inside. No matter what she says.
You are the only person you must take care of right now, lovely. It’s ok to not go
Just call your friend, let her know your situation and how you’re struggling, tell her you’re gonna miss the party but you’ll send a gift. I’ve done it before when I had to miss friends’ parties because of personal problems. ☺️
Nta, if she really is your best friend, she should understand
Tell E how you’re feeling and make a CONCRETE (I.e. date, time, place) offer for you and her to meet up privately for a brunch or something to celebrate. NTA.
NTA. Stop talking about it with other people and go right to the person with whom you need to have the conversation. I suggest you don’t mention the emotional reasons. It’s enough to say that your recovery from major surgery has taken a greater toll on you than you thought and you’re in no condition to attend a party. Perhaps she’d be willing to come over a day or two later to show you pictures and tell you all about it?
NTA at all. Tell E how you’re feeling and make a plan to take her out to coffee (or whatever you’ll enjoy) and give her a gift. It sounds like you’re a supportive friend, and one party won’t change that. She should understand you’re going through a difficult time.
NTA, but I would not let petty assholes from the job ruin your day. You are a better person than I am. I would not have forgiven my husband. In the end, you do what is best for you.
NTA- tell her you’re not comfortable coming and offer an alternative. Maybe a day when you’re feeling more up to it, get massages and pedicures. If she’s not accommodating your feelings she’s not your friend.
So tell her your taking her advice and standing up for yourself. Simply say your in too much pain from surgery and not recovered enough for something like a shower.
You can add, but id try to avoid, that the surgery has your hormones all crazy out of whack, add in the painkillers and you don’t want to risk detracting from HER event by bursting into tears randomly or some other crazy emotional outburst because your emotions are all over and very changeable. You’ve noticed your emotional control is truly messed up and this is a happy occasion and the focus needs to be on her w/ o any drama. You would never forgive yourself if you were the cause of drama on HER day.
Send a very very nice gift. Poss include something handmade?? Do you knit or sew?
You would not. You are NTA.
All you need to say is that you’re recovering from abdominal surgery. No need to provide details. I would send a gift from her registry and a card that says something sweet, like you can’t wait to meet the baby and by the time it’s born, you will be able to hold him or her.
And it’s not an excuse. You really need to stay home and rest. That is the responsible thing to do.
All of the other points you brought up are also valid AND they are private. You don’t have to build a case for staying home and taking care of yourself when you are recovering from surgery.
NTA. You’re healing. Literally. Send a gift. A heartfelt card. And stay home and rest. A friend wound understand. And yes. It IS about you as you are healing from a massive surgery. Why is that hard to understand ?
NTA. You aren’t available. No other reason required. I don’t go to baby showers because I suffered an infant loss and they make my heart hurt. People have many reasons they don’t go to things.
NTA
NTA – You need to be kind to yourself. Send her a message along the lines;
In order to preserve my physical and mental health I wont be attending your baby shower. As my BF I hope you understand that this year has been really hard. Instead I thought we could have a day, just us 2 maybe a spa day or a meal. I want to celebrate with you but Im not currently in a place to do that in a group.
I truly hope you understand that I hope you have a wonderful day and we can enjoy our day in a week or two after your shower when you can fill me in on your day.
Xx
She is not a good friend. She thinks you should cope with your feelings and recovering from surgery by celebrating her baby shower!?!?!?!? You are NTA and WNBTA.
NTA you suffered a miscarriage and had to have a hysterectomy. No one should be demanding you attend a baby shower. No one.
NTA – you absolutely do not need to go to a baby shower. There are ways to support and celebrate your friend without going to a shower. If you don’t want the blowback, tell them you’re going to go and the day of tell the organizer you woke up sick, tell them you have covid, whatever.
NTA.
A miscarriage alone is enough reason to sit this out, but adding the physical and emotional toll of an unplanned hysterectomy – it’s ridiculous that anyone would give you grief over this. The random coworker situation is just icing on a shite cake.
NTA but have this conversation with E not a different friend. Explain to her that you are still in a lot of pain from surgery and don’t want to do a huge gathering right now. But as others have said plan a concrete time for the two of you to go do something. You can give a baby shower gift at that time if you are planning on giving her something.
Nope. Take care of #1 first.
I love how everyone is saying she isn‘t a friend if she is expecting this of you. How good of a friend are you if you won’t even consider making an effort for her. Friendship is a two way street. If she stood by you through all of this is it really asking so much for you to stand by her. Have you considered the fact that she is probably feeling fragile and nervous about being pregnant after infertility struggles? ESH
NTA and both your friends suck. Seriously. I can’t believe people who you consider friends are guilting you about this, after everything you’ve recently gone through and are still going through. You’re honestly better off without friends like this.