So my (27f) sister Alex (28f) just finalized her divorce and got engaged 3 days later to a guy (24m) she has been seeing for about a year. There was definitely some overlap and this post isn’t inherently about that drama, but it is probably affecting my judgement.
Anyway, the day after her announced engagement, Alex messages a group chat with my mom in it and says that she really wants a wedding on a Disney cruise. She send screenshots of the wedding package and some of the dates. My mom and I responded that a 7-day cruise is too long and expensive so she responds with a screenshot of a 5-day cruise with no pricing in the pic. At this point, I am not too excited to see that she wants a cruise wedding, but I didn’t say anything negative yet, as I was going to see her that weekend and hopefully bring it up gently then.
The following days are a follow ups of venue options on and off the boat and the itinerary, until on Friday, she sends a video invitation to the group chat. I ask if that is the final invitation. Alex responds that it is, she was sending it to friends and family already. I figure this is the time to drop the bomb that this is a very expensive wedding for her guests. She responds that its okay, she only wants a small wedding and that people can pay it off in installments. I say “what about everyone who already has booked vacations, can’t take more time off?” She assures me that 9 months in plenty of time. My mom chimes in that there is no way our elderly grandparents would be able to come as 1 of them is already wheelchair bound. She says that’s fine too.
I started to make some suggestions: a small family dinner before the cruise in our home state PA/NJ (cruise takes off from FL), a FL Disney resort wedding before the cruise, a Bahamas Disney resort wedding that we can meet her there, and pushing the date to something later/cheaper. She says this is what she wants, she already booked it, and she apparently has been talking about this with fiance for a while.
So I make a spreadsheet including the cruise tickets, gratuity, flights, a hotel, transport, and dog sitting prices. It looks like it would cost me and my husband around $6000 to attend this wedding. We already had 1 booked vacation before Alex’s date and another for after the date so we would be stretched thin money-wise. It’s unlikely my husband has enough vacation days so he would be losing a few days of pay as well. I tell her all these things that would possibly prevent me from going, she says “If you don’t wanna go I get it”.
Alex talked it up during that weekend we saw each other: it would be fun and like a family vacation. She wasn’t going to expect gifts, bachelorette party, mandatory activities on the boat, etc. I just think that she really rushed into choosing the wedding right after getting engaged and didn’t care about what I had to say about the matter. My mom has the same concerns, but is going to go regardless of the cost bcs it is her daughter.
WIBTA if I didn’t go to my sisters cruise wedding? Even if it was financially possible for me to go?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
So my (27f) sister B (28f) just finalized her divorce and got engaged 3 days later to a guy M (24m) she has been seeing for about a year. There was definitely some overlap and this post isn’t inherently about that drama, but it is probably affecting my judgement.
Anyway, the day after her announced engagement, B messages a group chat with my mom in it and says that she really wants a wedding on a Disney cruise. She send screenshots of the wedding package and some of the dates. My mom and I responded that a 7-day cruise is too long and expensive so she responds with a screenshot of a 5-day cruise with no pricing in the pic. At this point, I am not too excited to see that she wants a cruise wedding, but I didn’t say anything negative yet, as I was going to see her that weekend and hopefully bring it up gently then.
The following days are a follow ups of venue options on and off the boat and the itinerary, until on Friday, she sends a video invitation to the group chat. I ask if that is the final invitation. B responds that it is, she was sending it to friends and family already. I figure this is the time to drop the bomb that this is a very expensive wedding for her guests. She responds that its okay, she only wants a small wedding and that people can pay it off in installments. I say “what about everyone who already has booked vacations, can’t take more time off?” She assures me that 9 months in plenty of time. My mom chimes in that there is no way our elderly grandparents would be able to come as 1 of them is already wheelchair bound. She says that’s fine too.
I changed tactics and started to make suggestions: small family dinner before the cruise in our home state PA/NJ (cruise takes off from FL), a FL Disney resort wedding, a Bahamas Disney resort wedding, pushing the date to something later/cheaper. Nothing sticks, she says this is what she wants, she already booked it, and she apparently has been talking about this with M for a while.
So I make a spreadsheet including the cruise tickets, gratuity, flights, a hotel, transport, and dog sitting prices. It looks like it would cost me and my husband around $6000 to attend this wedding. We already had 1 booked vacation before B’s date and another for after the date so we would be stretched thin money-wise. It’s unlikely my husband has enough vacation days so he would be losing a few days of pay as well. I tell her all these things that would possibly prevent me from going, she says “If you don’t wanna go I get it”.
She talked it up during that weekend we saw each other: it would be fun and like a family vacation. She wasn’t going to expect gifts, bachelorette party, mandatory activities on the boat, etc. I just think that she really rushed into choosing the wedding right after getting engaged and just was not listening at all to what I had to say about the matter.
WIBTA if I didn’t go to my sisters cruise wedding? Even if it was financially possible for me to go?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action would be not going to my sister’s wedding and 2. It might make me an asshole, but I really do not have a financial excuse or anything.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWNBTA. People can have destination weddings, but they have to accept that a lot of people don’t want to spend their valuable time and limited money on a vacation that someone else chose.
You need to stop giving reasons and all this vague nonsense. ACTUALLY communicate clearly with your sister.
YNBTA for not going but your indirectness is creeping into AH territory
YTA. Not for not going. As she said, you don’t wanna, she (and I) get it.
But its very clear you think your view on her wedding plans should win and no. Your views on her wedding plans do not matter beyond whether or not you go. If your not going, awesome lets end your opinion there.
Just because you disagree with a decision, just because you have good reasons why the decision is bad, doesn’t mean someone isn’t allowed to make that decision. If the cruise is just her and people who can afford/willing to spend, fine. I hope she’s happy, hope theres no more drama but in this your creating drama where none need be.
YWNBTA. A wedding invitation is not a summons. Especially for a destination wedding.
NAH Do you think she’s an asshole for choosing the venue she wants? I don’t. Might be sad to find out she wants a particular venue more than she cares about your presence, but ultimately that doesn’t make her an asshole in my eyes. You’re absolutely not an asshole for feeling like you can’t drop 6k on her wedding, either, so… No assholes here.
Ywnbta but also there is no interpersonal conflict here. She TOLD you that if you can’t go, she gets it.
Destination weddings work under the assumption that a lot of people aren’t gonna be able to make it. She knows what she’s doing, this is what she wants, and she’s ok with it.
You’re tryna make like there’s a problem here cuz you disapprove. You’re throwing up objections that kinda feel weird to keep making. It’s her wedding. Stop tryna change her plans. Either go or don’t.
YWNBTA
Anyone who has a destination wedding needs to accept the fact that some people they invite will not attend. Even family.
People are under no obligation to attend events they are invited to. Even weddings. Even weddings of family members.
Nah: it’s her wedding and she can have it where and when she wants it and you have the option to go or not. I understand your hesitation because thats is a lot of money for a wedding planned 3 days after her divorce (i laughed at that) and the whole “it’s my sister” feelings you have towards attending the wedding but just because she’s your sister doesn’t mean you absolutely have to go. I wouldn’t stress it, I’m sure you’ll be able to attend her next wedding.
Edited to add: you trying to talk her into a different wedding is pushing ah territory. Just tell her how you feel
You WNBTA.
What your sister is doing is presumptuous and tacky. This is her second wedding and the ink is barely dry on her divorce papers.
She obviously can’t afford to host people and her mentality about people paying in installments tells me that she is probably very bad with money herself. Her destination wedding is less than a year away and she refused to take the hint when you gave her options. When you add in her total disinterest in planning a wedding that her elderly grandparents can attend, it becomes clear that she doesn’t actually care about anyone who will attend.
It may also be the case that she is getting a significant discount or even a free wedding from the cruise line as compensation for strong-arming her family into this Disney Debacle.
Do not go. Do not give any elaborate explanations. Politely decline, indicate that your vacation time is already scheduled, and send her a gravy boat.
No, you wouldn’t BTA. First, people doing destination weddings are either so spoiled that they expect everything (thus deserve nothing), or they are thoughtful enough to pay for those they absolutely want to be with them. (Maybe there’s a third in-between, where they expect nothing but really want the event uniqueness. That kind of woman would be compassionate, so still NTA)
Sounds to me like she is probably the first kind, since she apparently was working two guys at a time (probably without telling the first guy). You should know that better, but sometimes people are really good at hiding their cheating. Anyway, she may call you TA or she won’t. It shouldn’t matter. But you definitely should find out if she was cheating.
If she’ll cheat, you can’t trust her to be a friend with you and your husband.
It’s my opinion that you get to decide how to spend your hard earned time off and money. Relatives don’t get to whine to sway you.
She is the one who wants a mouse wedding on a boat. There’s no need to talk her out of it…it’s what she wants.
You have zero interest in being on a mouse boat, so don’t go.
That’s it, don’t go.
You can attend any parties or celebrations that are held locally before or after if they work with your schedule.
She can try to guilt you, but you can remind her that she wanted a mouse boat wedding and she said she was aware that not everyone invited would attend. If she needed you and other close relatives in attendance then she should have planned better for her desired guests.
Remember, an invitation is NOT a summons.
NYA
Let her be mad that her shit choices didn’t work out for her.
NAH OP’s sister gets to choose whatever wedding she wants, she pays for it and issues invitations. Those invited get to go or decline on whatever criteria they choose.
INFO
Has she pressured you into going at all?
Because a lot of people choose destination weddings like cruises and resorts SPECIFICALLY because it is cost prohibitive, and keeps the cost FOR THE COUPLE down
Y W B T A if you keep pushing her to change her plans
N T A for not wanting to go/if you choose not to go
Give me , I want let me have! Don’t go.
NTA
Your sister has a lot of expectations (especially on. 9 month timeline) but unfortunately destination weddings aren’t at all convenient for most people.
Spending $6,000.00 sandwiched between 2 already planned vacations doesn’t sound financially smart.
If you sister really wants her family and other people to be there she will have it local and she can always honeymoon the Disney cruise (or postpone to a later date) if it means that much to her.
NTA crazy to spend that kind of money for any Wedding as a guest.
YWNBTA for not going. She can have whatever wedding she would like and you can choose to go or not go. But this “I just think that she really rushed into choosing the wedding right after getting engaged and just was not listening at all to what I had to say about the matter.” Is really uncalled for, she doesn’t need to listen to what you have to say about her wedding, stop pushing your opinions about her wedding and marriage.
Financially possible and financially reasonable are two different things. NTA, and it sounds like your sister sort of understands that some people may choose not to go. YWNBTA for choosing not to go. Send a nice gift and ask for video, or maybe your mom can video call you during the ceremony so you can watch it live.
She gets to have the wedding she wants, so NTA for not going (and I agree – there’s no way in hell you’d get me trapped on a boat for five days for a wedding). But you are TA for trying to impose your own vision of an ideal wedding on her AFTER she’s already booked it.
Your options as a guest are to go or not go. You don’t have to go! If it’s not going to work for you, it’s not going to work. It’s not a tragedy to miss a wedding.
You are NTA for not going to your sisters wedding. The judging of her choice of wedding venue, timing and fiance are a little YTA. Just say bon voyage, and that you will celebrate her new nuptials when they get back.
YWNBTA if you don’t go. Destination weddings are always optional IMO, especially for a second wedding.
But really there is no conflict here . She already said “I you don’t wanna go I get it.”
What you should not do is ask her to change her plans for you. She can plan the wedding she wants and you can go or not.
Nah- She can do whatever she wants for her wedding and you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. She isn’t pressuring you or getting mad that you arent coming, but you are trying to dissuade her from her choices, which kind of makes you an AH. The fact that she cheated on her last marriage makes her trashy, but she isn’t the AH for having the next wedding she wants.
ESH
You could have – and should have – left it at “This won’t work for me, so I won’t be able to attend”. You became TA when you ventured into how expensive it would be for other guests; that was not your affair. Your opinion is irrelevant, so there was no need for her to take it into account. Rightly or wrongly, this is what she chose.
Mom needs to pipe up, not expect you to convey her concerns.
Sister cares only about what she wants.
NTA- Not sure what is worse here, the cost to attend or that it is for a person’s second wedding. I have a rule, one wedding per person and any do overs I don’t need to be in attendance for.
Wonder what kind of wedding she will want with the 3rd husband??
NTA $6k to attend someone’s wedding is crazy and it doesn’t matter if it’s family or not. She should have a small wedding then go on a Disney cruise as her honeymoon.
If she doesn’t care if you’re there then so be it, don’t go.
IMO, you are NTA for not going on your sister’s cruise wedding. It sounds like you can’t afford to go on this cruise even if you wanted to go (and it sounds like you don’t want to go even if you could afford to go).
I think that you are TA for judging your sister’s decision to have a cruise wedding. It’s her wedding, and her money, and if that’s what she wants to do, then she should be able to do it.
Just out of curiosity, did your elderly grandparents attend your sister’s first wedding? The way I see it, if your grandparents already attended one of your sister’s weddings, then there shouldn’t be the expectation that they attend the next one. They’ve already seen your sister get married once. I’m sure they have better things to do than see her go through it again.
NTA. That is an expensive trip. However, it is really just up to you. If you had no other trips planned, or no other issues, you would still NTA for not attending.
NTA. Good luck to your sis, but the financial implications will have consequences for her attendance. She should understand. Besides, second wedding-her friends and family have already shelled out once. I’d expect subsequent weddings to be less elaborate.
NAH she’s allowed to have the wedding she wants. You’re allowed to not go. You can also go without your spouse and share a room with your mom.
Idk how close you are or want to be and I’d definitely consider that.
I thought cruises could accommodate wheelchairs though.
NTA – your sister has her head in the clouds if she thinks everybody will spend 3-6K on her wedding
NTA, tell her you went to the first one & while you can’t go to this one, you will try get the 3rd or 4th.
NTA if it were me, I’d make sure to make it clear to my sister that “it’s not that I don’t want to go, of course I do but it’s prohibitively expensive and I am not comfortable going into debt for a vacation. I hope it’s amazing though, I’m excited to see the photos!”
Maybe you can go to her next wedding. Your sister sounds awful.
NTA She is choosing to eliminate guests by having a Disney cruise wedding. When you book something like that, you already know that not everybody can afford it. Not everyone can pay installments either. Even if they can, there are a lot of associated expenses that aren’t in that payment plan.
Also, this is a second wedding and a lot of people don’t do much. The couple usually has everything they need at that point. Unless she’s paying for you to go, I would send a lovely gift and wish her well from a distance.
I hope no one I care about ever gets married on a cruise ship. Seasickness, food borne illnesses, being stuck with people…no thank you you.
OP,
It is completely fine to say ‘no’. It seems like the only person struggling with that answer is… you.
Sister has set the date and time of her wedding. It is not feasible for you and your husband to attend. You tell sister, and she’s OK. She says that she “gets it”.
Now if your sister doesn’t mean that and will give you grief for not going, that would be on her. But that hasn’t happened yet.
It doesn’t sound like your mom is giving you grief – she has the same concerns on behalf of your grandparents.
You don’t sound enthused about her quick marriage after divorce, so it’s hard to imagine you are too upset over not being able to attend.
Are you hurt that your sister is so easily OK with you not attending? Or do you think your sister is an AH for planning a wedding that you and some other family members cannot easily attend?
Just trying to figure out why you feel this is an AH question. So far, it seems like this is NAH.
NTA. You will not be the only guest with this issue. That’s a very long vacation to take for someone else’s celebration. People with kids are going to have a hard time taking the week off.
NTA! If sis really wants you there she can pay for it.
She really doesn’t care if you go. She said so.
She doesn’t care if it’s affordable for anyone else. She said so.
Let her have her cruise wedding and wish her well. Send a gift.
NTA
A week-long cruise is inappropriate for a wedding.
It is asking entirely too much of your guests’ time.
Y w n b t a for not going, but YTA for the way you are approaching this.
People who have destination weddings know that a lot of people can’t make it. And it’s her second wedding, which is usually smaller. So just say “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to swing that with work and money, but I’m happy for you and excited to see pictures.”
It seems like she wants to get married on a Disney Cruise and it’s a “whoever can make it, can make it” event.
Instead, you keep harping on trying to get her to change her mind.
NAH if you don’t go, you can’t afford it with time off or the finances. But she can also have the wedding she wants, and if that’s what she wants and she’s ok with half her family being unable to attend, oh well.
It’s not like you were a real jerk and said you’d make it to her next wedding… 😀
Don’t go. They’re probably gonna break up before the wedding happens anyway. Or they’ll break up after the wedding. It’s not even her first marriage . You don’t have time and money to go. So don’t go.
NTA. Tell her you’ll catch her next wedding 😏
Yeah, cruise weddings are only good for the couple marrying.
My daughter & SIL spent well over 8k to attend his twin brother’s wedding. In a January, no one else in the grooms family could attend, school, work, cost. It was intentional, as the bride didn’t want his family there anyway.
The couple only had to pay airfare and a small “wedding fee” maybe $3,500.
It was gross
Don’t go
NTA. The wedding would cost you and your husband over $1,000/day, an absurd ask to attend any wedding and gawd, a disney cruise sounds like pure hell. Maybe her third wedding will be more reasonable and you can earn star sister status on that one.
NAH. This is the natural consequence of her booking a wedding that is less financially/physically accessible for her intended guests, some people (including VIPs) may not be able to make it. With that said, you’ve said your piece on the matter and it’s best going forward if you just decline and let her deal with it – it sounds like she’s fine with that option.
NTA. I wanted to go to my brother’s bachelor party, which happened about 2 weeks before his wedding. I couldn’t go because I couldn’t get the time off from work, and he understood because, at that time, I lived about 1000km (~600 miles) away, worked weekends, and someone else was off that weekend.
NTA – No one can force you to spend $6000 on a destination wedding. It’s really unfortunate to miss your sister’s wedding, but she doesn’t get to dictate what you spend your money and vacation time on. It’s the cost of planning a destination wedding: many of your intended guests opt out.
NAH. She’s planning the trip/wedding she wants and that’s fine. It doesn’t work for your schedule/finances/who tf is this guy which is also fine. Just communicate clearly so there’s no confusion and enjoy the trips you actually want to do
She has told you she’s okay if you don’t go. For that reason, NTA if you don’t go, because it sounds like you are only barely able to make it happen financially.
And the reality is, it’s not your wedding so she doesn’t have to listen to your concerns on behalf of other people.
Is it possible you’re hurt that she’s not hurt if you don’t go?
I’d be more concerned about why my sister is jumping from one marriage to another without reflecting over time.
NTA spending $6000 on someone else’s wedding is crazy. If your sister had wanted everyone there then she should have discussed it with everyone and been open to changing the venue or postponing the wedding to give people time to save. Just expecting people to be able to spend so much is totally unreasonable.
ESH. Respectfully, who cares what you think about the wedding? It’s not yours. This sounds like a horrible idea, and she’s absolutely going to want a bachelorette and gifts lmao. Just don’t go.
nta that’s an excessive request
I didn’t read past the first few lines, but 100% you do not have to feel obligated to attend anyone’s wedding past the first, or send gifts. Your sister’s love of weddings is a her problem, not yours.
No, is a sentence.
NTA for not going to a wedding you can’t easily afford, but you are awfully judgy of your sister. If she wants to marry on a Disney cruise with a few people who can afford it, let her!
She already told you she understands if you can’t come. YTA for not taking her at her word. Are you trying to justify your own unwarranted guilt? It seems like you are looking for reasons to blame her for what she wants and not catering to you for her wedding.
NTA but neither is your sister, despite your attempt to make her appear so.
Her and her fiancé get to plan their wedding. Not changing their plans based on your suggestions is because it is their wedding. And she clearly said if there are people who can’t attend, she is OK with that.
NTA. It’s a destination wedding, and she has to know that those mean alot of people who would go can’t. Since she’s inflexible about other options then its on her. She’s lowkey blaming your non attendance on you, (“If you don’t want to go I get it”) which is possibly a manipulation tactic.
Yes and no. See if the other vacations can be rearranged/cancelled/refunded. Go and have a blast at your sisters wedding and stop trying to make reasons not to. So what if her relationship overlapped, lots of times this happens and get over the road blocks you are putting up. Be happy for your sister and just go.
NTA. You are well within your rights to not go.
Don’t go.
It’s not financially responsible – and the rest doesn’t matter.
Sure, it isn’t kind of her to do something people can’t practically go to and especially that the grandparents can’t attend – I have a thing about that and it’s my own personal bias, and I know it.
And she does say she doesn’t care who can’t go. So, it may end up being more of an announced elopement with no one there but them. OK.
That is their decision.
(Other commentors may not get that being wheelchair bound means grandma may need a bunch of other gear and even some home support workers, and that can’t be replicated on a cruise.)
So yes, you may feel disappointed. You may feel obligated to go even though she basically said not to. (You aren’t obligated, and neither is anyone else.)
In short, you sister said she would understand if you didn’t go, so take her at her word.
So, no, NTA.
NTA Just because she wants an expensive destination wedding does not mean you are obligated to spend that kind of money and attend.
Alex is paying for everyone?
If not decline and say I’ll go to your next wedding.