My (F 36) and my boyfriend (M 40) have been together for 6+ years and have decided to get married. We are still deciding if we want to just have a family ceremony + family and friends party, or just a family ceremony and dinner after. Early planning stages, but no formal bridal party or big ceremony.
My boyfriend’s only sibling, his sister (F 38) has made it known since the start of our relationship that she does not like me. Her behavior the first three years of our relationship was cold at times and outright aggressive at others. She told family members that she believes I’m the type of woman to be unfaithful & told anyone she could reach to not trust me. At first, we wrote her off as she was going through a horrible break up, and all of his friends & family would say to me that she has always acted like this to his GFs and to just ignore her.
Three years ago, she told a mutual acquaintance that they could either be friends with me or her, and that friend got upset and relayed that to us.
Up until that point, when my BF would try and talk to her and ask her about her behaviour, she would always side-step and act like he was crazy and that she has no problem with me. She would deny everything and it was hard for him to keep saying “but you did XYZ” “you said XYZ” when she would either lie to his face or just play dumb.
After we learned what she said to this mutual, we asked her to sit down with us to give her the opportunity to tell us what her problem was and to hopefully move forward. My BF explained to her that while she may feel I’m not trusty worthy, he trusts me and that’s all that matters. The only thing she would acknowledge in this meeting was that she doesn’t trust me and is protective of him. He said I appreciate that you care about me, but you have to move on.
My BF said to her he wants the two of us to be friends, and she said directly she is not interested in friendship with me. I was not hurt by this, because by the time we got to this point, I had written off any kind of relationship with her.
The last three years have been nice. My BF and her have a text/occasional phone call relationship and we only see her and her partner on family holidays. She is cordial to me, but is not interested in being my friend or having any kind of 1:1 relationship with me.
This leads to my bachelorette party. I do not want to invite her. She was so mean to me for so many years and while I have moved on from that, I don’t feel I can trust her to not do or say something that would possibly ruin the party. Also, she has made it very clear she does not want to be friendly with me. If I invited her, I feel she would come out of obligation, but would not want to.
WIBTA if I did not invite her? I feel like it’s a lose-lose situation. If I invite her, she could ruin the party and if I don’t invite her, she will definitely complain to my in-laws and we’ve worked hard to keep them out of this drama.
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My (F 36) and my boyfriend (M 40) have been together for 6+ years and have decided to get married. We are still deciding if we want to just have a family ceremony + family and friends party, or just a family ceremony and dinner after. Early planning stages, but no formal bridal party or big ceremony.
My boyfriend’s only sibling, his sister (F 38) has made it known since the start of our relationship that she does not like me. Her behavior the first three years of our relationship was cold at times and outright aggressive at others. She told family members that she believes I’m the type of woman to be unfaithful & told anyone she could reach to not trust me. At first, we wrote her off as she was going through a horrible break up, and all of his friends & family would say to me that she has always acted like this to his GFs and to just ignore her.
Three years ago, she told a mutual acquaintance that they could either be friends with me or her, and that friend got upset and relayed that to us.
Up until that point, when my BF would try and talk to her and ask her about her behaviour, she would always side-step and act like he was crazy and that she has no problem with me. She would deny everything and it was hard for him to keep saying “but you did XYZ” “you said XYZ” when she would either lie to his face or just play dumb.
After we learned what she said to this mutual, we asked her to sit down with us to give her the opportunity to tell us what her problem was and to hopefully move forward. My BF explained to her that while she may feel I’m not trusty worthy, he trusts me and that’s all that matters. The only thing she would acknowledge in this meeting was that she doesn’t trust me and is protective of him. He said I appreciate that you care about me, but you have to move on.
My BF said to her he wants the two of us to be friends, and she said directly she is not interested in friendship with me. I was not hurt by this, because by the time we got to this point, I had written off any kind of relationship with her.
The last three years have been nice. My BF and her have a text/occasional phone call relationship and we only see her and her partner on family holidays. She is cordial to me, but is not interested in being my friend or having any kind of 1:1 relationship with me.
This leads to my bachelorette party. I do not want to invite her. She was so mean to me for so many years and while I have moved on from that, I don’t feel I can trust her to not do or say something that would possibly ruin the party. Also, she has made it very clear she does not want to be friendly with me. If I invited her, I feel she would come out of obligation, but would not want to.
WIBTA if I did not invite her? I feel like it’s a lose-lose situation. If I invite her, she could ruin the party and if I don’t invite her, she will definitely complain to my in-laws and we’ve worked hard to keep them out of this drama.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may not invite my SIL to be to my bach party because she has made it known she does not like me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, obviously. But you’re walking into a minefield so keep your head screwed on.
NTA Dont invite people you dont want to YOUR party. Doesnt matter what the party is just dont invite unwanted people.
Does not sound like anyone would be surprised or appalled anyway. Why invite problems?
You WNBTA. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to be friends. Why would she want to come?
NTA Why would you invite her? She doesn’t like you. She doesn’t want to be friends with anyone who is friends with you. The only reason she’d go is to try to catch you cheating with a stripper.
Whether to invite her to the wedding or not is maybe a longer discussion, since it affects your fiance, too, but the bachelorette party seems like an easy decision.
What are you doing for the bachelorette party and who is pushing you to invite her? Are there other members of his family coming? I presume she’s invited to wedding but is she also in the wedding or anything like that?
NTA. This is definitely a sticky situation but your bachelorette is for YOU and the people who you want to be present. If you feel she may do something to ruin it then don’t invite her, it’s a time for the spotlight to be on you and you should celebrate with your nearest and dearest. She has made no effort with you, she has told you she doesn’t like you and your fiancé knows this. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand where you’re coming from, I had my own wedding last year and some family relationships were fraught, but if there was anyone I didn’t want present I didn’t invite them. You don’t want to look back on your bachelorette and remember being anxious that she’d do something, you should enjoy it.
NTA, but if you don’t invite her she will say “see?!? I told you she was a bad person. She excluded me!”. Just be aware you are leaving yourself open to her shit stirring either way.
Personally I’d rather enjoy my party and let her say what she wants than invite her so she can’t say that i didn’t.
Actually, personally I’d quietly start making comments to strategically selected members of the social group that she acts like she is jealous of women who sleep with her brother and you feel sorry for her that she’s clearly dealing with some inappropriate emotions. Poor thing. Maybe therapy could help? God bless her. Maintain disinterested pity.
YWNBTA, but here’s some advice.
Is there someone else trusted by your boyfriend’s family that you can invite? This situation sounds like a perfect opportunity fur her to make up shit about hearing you crossed a line at your bachelorette (given she is plain about not trusting you), and it would be helpful to have someone there who can short circuit that.
No, you would not be the asshole. You don’t get along and you do not need that negative energy when you are celebrating with people who truly enjoy your company.
NTA…She doesn’t like you. She doesn’t trust you. She doesn’t want a friendship with you. I can’t think of a single reason to party with this person.
No. She’s made it clear she does not want to be your friend. You’d be TA if you invited her because she’s just going to use it as an opportunity to either make you feel like shit by turning you down rudely or by trying to somehow trick you into behavior your BF may not be okay with by inviting strippers or something.
NTA. This is not a family event. Its a personal event celebrating you. She has made her feelings clear, over a long period of time. I don’t see it as you slightly her or intentionally leaving her out. You are respecting her feelings toward you.
I also think this sets a precedent for the future and you and your fiance need to decide what is right for you personally and as a couple. His parents might prefer everyone get along, but thats not something you can control. As long as she is civil and not openly rude or disrespectful, it makes sense to include her in some things like holidays or family birthdays. Things that are solely about you, no need to include her.
NTA. Don’t invite her. I’m sure she won’t be surprised. She probably will be relieved.
YWNBTAH – but I would have your BF convery to her that she wasn’t invited because you didn’t want to make her feel she would have to come. That while you’d like a better relationship, your past conversations have shown that isn’t in the cards. AND you do appreciate the civility you have had at family events the past few years.
NTA… She doesn’t like you, nor wants anything to do with you… Don’t invite her.. I also have a feeling you would have to record the entire thing, because god only knows what crap she would come up with…. She did this, she did that… It’s more to protect yourself
NTA knowing how she feels, I wouldn’t invite her.
You shouldn’t have to feel obligated to include someone who doesn’t like you.
Don’t invite her. Bachelorette parties are NOT “invite all” events. You would NOT be the AH.
If anyone, especially your BF, tries to pressure you, you need to firmly tell him to back off. He can “want” for the two of you to be friends all he wants, but after 6 years, that’s CLEARLY isn’t going to happen and inviting her isn’t going to magically make it happen.
She’s made it clear where she stnads. I actually see not inviting her as being respectful of her. She doesn’t want to be friends- don’t try to force any kind of relationship here.
NTA – I wasn’t invited to my SIL bachelorette party. My feelings weren’t hurt. We aren’t close. That’s our truth.
Why would you be the asshole? She clearly said she’s not interested in being friends with you, and you feel the same…. so, why would she expect an invite or get butthurt if she didn’t get one? I feel like this is a non-issue. But if you think it could become a problem, have your fiancé be the messenger so there’s no room for her to twist your words.
But no matter what, don’t invite her. It’s asking for trouble.
YWNBTA
NTA, but the bachelorette party is supposed to be more fun and relaxed. If you feel bad, invite her to the shower, but the bach party is not the place for her.
Why would you invite anyone but your friends to your bachelorette? NTA.
Why would it be assumed she would be invited, anyway? If you do have your bachelorette party, you don’t have to invite everyone you know to it. You definitely aren’t obligated to invite someone with whom cordiality is a burden. For that matter, you probably don’t even have to invite her to the wedding, particularly if it’s really intimate.
NTA. Don’t invite her. It’s not even a question. The bachelorette party is for YOUR FRIENDS to come
After reading that, I have one question… why tf would you invite her?
NTA.
NTA.
I would only invite her if it was a sit down meal that included your fiancé’s mother. Any other event should not include someone so negative.
She doesn’t like you. Don’t invite her.
My SIL wasn’t invited to my bachelorette party and I liked her. I just wanted it to be my friends.
I see it this way-this is a CHANCE for a potential new start with her. You are getting MARRIED so you will hypothetically (🤞) now be in the family forever. Since time has passed and it’s been civil, I would suggest inviting her and her partner with you and your finance out to dinner or something to test the waters and see how that goes. If you just don’t invite to the Bachelorette it will cause problems but doing something together first will give you validation for the Bachelorette choice you will make. Obviously, if it seems to go well you can extend the invite but if you get any weird vibes then you will be totally justified in your decision to not invite.
That’s your soon-to-be-husband’s ONLY sibling. I would think you would want to do everything in your power to try to facilitate them being in each other’s lives. Their parents will not be around forever. Obviously it takes two to tango and I’m not putting it all on you, but the fact that you’re even conflicted and asking AITA means you are the bigger person and care more than she does about doing what’s right and best for the person you love so much you’re willing to bet half your stuff that you’ll be together forever 😉. (One of my favorite little sayings about marriage)
I honestly wish you the best and hope that or all does work out in a positive way and if it goes left, you at least know you tried your best.
NTA…I am not understanding why you feel you even need to ask if you should invite your future SIL?
She has admitted she does not like you. You hardly have any contact outside of holidays.
I would not even question this. She gets no invite.
Absolutely NTA
Your husband understands why having her in your party is no appropriate. If you think your in laws would see this as a snub get your fiancé to pre warn them, and tell her too. I can’t imagine she’s expecting an invite.
NTA. OMG not the A at all! She is far too old to be behaving like this for one thing. You’ve been together for SIX YEARS, not six months. I am pleased that your bf has your back though and tried to mediate it. Aren’t bach parties for just the bride and their bridesmaids? She’s isn’t going to be a bridesmaid so there’s no reason for her to go on the bach. Or even to your shower. You want to be able to enjoy these events w/o having to be vigilant every second till it’s over. Also, she doesn’t get to complain and whine that you are a big meanie for not inviting her. She’s hardly proven herself to be a friendly acquaintance nevermind a sister in law or friend.
I think that it would be absolutely moronic to invite someone who wants nothing to do with you to something as intimate as your bachelorette. Let her talk. Everyone already knows that she has no respect for you and doesn’t want to be around you.
Personally, I wouldn’t even invite her to the wedding. Why invite someone who doesn’t want your marriage to succeed? She hates you, that much is clear.
Don’t be a sucker.
Don’t invite her and if she asks why get the boyfriend to explain it so she understands , she has said she smart ever be friends with her so what’s the point if her goi g to either of them the party or the wedding
NTA. If your ILs are willing to be dragged into this nonsense, you can’t control that. After 6 years together, they should know who you are well enough to discern why it would be silly for her to be there. I think that your response to anyone who asks should be clear: this is meant to be a fun night with my friends and she isn’t a friend. Period. “She doesn’t like me – why would she even want to come?”
NTA – you would be am asshole to yourself if you did.