So, for all of my life, my stepdad (M52) and I haven’t had the best relationship. I don’t think I can necessarily call him abusive (especially because i don’t remember most of my childhood LOL) but he came into my life when I was probably 6 or so and we just never got along. I (21) am in college now and have realized how free i feel now that im here, and honestly I barely go home and don’t WANT to go home often.
With that out of the way, into the main topic: my knitting. I picked up knitting about six months ago and so far? I really love it. I’ve made scarves, hats, mittens, and i’m working on a sweater right now. The problem comes with christmas: it’s honestly its own bag of worms considering i don’t want to go home for christmas or winter break and he’s reallyyy upset that I don’t want to come home for 3 weeks (when my seasonal depression is the worst and holidays make me really upset for some reason anyway).
But specifically the knitting is the problem. He’s made some joke-not-jokes about me knitting him something for christmas, and I just… really don’t want to. Especially considering it’s usually stuff that would take a loooot of yarn (aka MONEY!!) (like that scarf from Dr. Who). In the past he hasn’t taken good care of gifts i’ve given him (he let a keychain I bought him sit on the counter for at least 7 months before it disappeared, doesn’t acknowledge when i get him stuff from state fairs other than “oh cool yeah put it on the counter thanks kiddo”) and Im worried that if I knit him something he’s either 1. not going to really use it, and/or 2. not going to care for it and wash it wrong/let the dogs eat it (they’ve torn up a LOT of his clothes because he just tosses them on the tables or whatever and doesn’t remember to pick them up, mostly socks but sometimes hats too) and it gets ruined.
I think i’d also just feel bad knowing that a lot of my hard work is going into making something for a guy that I don’t really get along with or feel comfortable around, even if he is family. The worry comes with the fact that im making my mom something pretty elaborate as far as beginning knitting goes (a hat with 6-7 colors and a specific pattern to it, when ive neeeeeever done something of that caliber before) but thats because i KNOW she’ll take care of it and wont let the dogs eat it.
So… WIBTA? My mom isnt getting singled out either, ive made scarves for my little cousins (washable yarn because yaknow theyre at the ages where they’ll get messy) but i just dont know if this is asshole territory. Does it make it seem targeted??
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So, for all of my life, my stepdad (M52) and I haven’t had the best relationship. I don’t think I can necessarily call him abusive (especially because i don’t remember most of my childhood LOL) but he came into my life when I was probably 6 or so and we just never got along. I (21) am in college now and have realized how free i feel now that im here, and honestly I barely go home and don’t WANT to go home often.
With that out of the way, into the main topic: my knitting. I picked up knitting about six months ago and so far? I really love it. I’ve made scarves, hats, mittens, and i’m working on a sweater right now. The problem comes with christmas: it’s honestly its own bag of worms considering i don’t want to go home for christmas or winter break and he’s reallyyy upset that I don’t want to come home for 3 weeks (when my seasonal depression is the worst and holidays make me really upset for some reason anyway).
But specifically the knitting is the problem. He’s made some joke-not-jokes about me knitting him something for christmas, and I just… really don’t want to. Especially considering it’s usually stuff that would take a loooot of yarn (aka MONEY!!) (like that scarf from Dr. Who). In the past he hasn’t taken good care of gifts i’ve given him (he let a keychain I bought him sit on the counter for at least 7 months before it disappeared, doesn’t acknowledge when i get him stuff from state fairs other than “oh cool yeah put it on the counter thanks kiddo”) and Im worried that if I knit him something he’s either 1. not going to really use it, and/or 2. not going to care for it and wash it wrong/let the dogs eat it (they’ve torn up a LOT of his clothes because he just tosses them on the tables or whatever and doesn’t remember to pick them up, mostly socks but sometimes hats too) and it gets ruined.
I think i’d also just feel bad knowing that a lot of my hard work is going into making something for a guy that I don’t really get along with or feel comfortable around, even if he is family. The worry comes with the fact that im making my mom something pretty elaborate as far as beginning knitting goes (a hat with 6-7 colors and a specific pattern to it, when ive neeeeeever done something of that caliber before) but thats because i KNOW she’ll take care of it and wont let the dogs eat it.
So… WIBTA? My mom isnt getting singled out either, ive made scarves for my little cousins (washable yarn because yaknow theyre at the ages where they’ll get messy) but i just dont know if this is asshole territory. Does it make it seem targeted??
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I don’t want to knit something for my stepdad, and I dont think I will, but I dont know if not making something for him for christmas when hes mentioned it a few times would be an asshole move.
2. I think that my intentionally not making a knitted item for a close (not close to me but yaknow.. stepdad.. we’re kinda expected to be close and like each other) family member when Ive knitted/am knitting stuff for other family members for Christmas seems kind of assholeish.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Handmade stuff takes a ton of time and energy, and it sounds like he hasn’t valued the gifts you’ve given in the past. It’s totally fair to put your effort into people who will actually appreciate and care for it. If he jokes about wanting something, you could always laugh it off or say you’re focusing on gifts for folks who love cozy knits. Buying him a small store-bought gift (or even nothing if that feels right) doesn’t make you an asshole.
NTA. Gifts are not compulsory.
NTA. You wouldn’t even be the AH if you chose not to knit for someone you actually like. It’s your time and your hobby, you should get to enjoy it the way you want to, and you’re not obligated to give him a gift either.
NTA
A hand-made gift is usually a symbol of personal involvement and effort. Expecting to receive one would be a major entitled AH thing.
Invest your time and energy for gifts you want to give. For those you feel being more like obligation, just buy a box of artisan chocolate or some beverage they like.
NTA if you don’t want to put effort into hand making a gift that he will likely discard. If you don’t want to cause an awkward scene it might be worth keeping an eye out in charity shops for something small and knitted – hat, socks, mittens.
NTA. Totally get why you wouldn’t want to knit for him. But, consider the long-term impact on the relationship with your family (especially your mom) if everyone got knitted gifts and he did not. If you knitted something easy – like a scarf – it might go a long way without requiring too much effort. After all it sounds like he made an effort to acknowledge that knitting is your hobby, and take interest in it. I wouldn’t read too much into his reaction to the little gifts you gave home when you were younger. All kids give their parents key chains and stuff from state fares and most parents discard them as soon as they think their kid won’t notice. But a knitted scarf is something different. Just saying, you’d be justified not knitting him something, but maybe knitting something small will broker some peace in the household. If he discards the scarf, then, going forward, you’ll know it’s not worthwhile.
NTA
Non-crafters don’t realise how LONG it takes – “sure, I’ll make you a full length XXL cable sweater in 4 ply (fingering) while I watch TV after dinner for a couple hours” 😛 – or how much it costs, especially if you’re going to use semi-decent yarn. That being said: I’m not snobby about acrylic. A reasonable brand isn’t too hard on the fingers and is easy to work with, it washes well, it’s versatile and can look fantastic if the pattern suits it.
Christmas – just buy him whatever you would normally buy him. Ignore the bullshit “hints” you have been getting so far if that continues. If he explicitly expresses disappointment about not getting something handmade, then feel free to let him know exactly how long it would take you to do that, you didn’t have time this Christmas, so sorry, and tell him that you would just LOVE to do it, except because you haven’t been knitting for that long it will take you ages and because of that, it has to be PERFECT, so he will have to choose from (a selection of patterns you show him that you are willing/would like to make – there’s loads of free ones online) and buy the yarn in the colour he wants (from a selection of yarns that you can bear to use – e.g. no mohair if you are allergic, nothing horrible to work with, etc) – and then he gets exactly what he wants, you would be SO heartbroken if you made something and he didn’t like it.
This works pretty well. If someone actually takes you up on the offer then you get to make a pattern you wanted to make anyway with free yarn. Or, if they ask you – same offer: I crochet and have made a few shawls this way for people, only cost is my time, and that’s OK because they have actually all been people I liked (lol) and I enjoy crochet!
EDIT – now I’ve read other responses – those posters are of course correct. You never ever are obliged to make anyone anything at all. Meanwhile, in the real world, social contracts/consequences, etc – you will choose whatever solution brings you most peace OP 🙂
NTA “Sorry Stepdads name, I ran out of time doing things for Mum and the niblings that I wasn’t able to. Maybe some other time” and just buy him something generic
NTA. As a lifelong knitter, I don’t knit for my family and wouldn’t look twice at creating something for a someone who I’m not close to. The cost of yarn, pattern and hours of work. Nope if you don’t value it. You don’t deserve it. Period
NTA
If you don’t give knitted gifts for anyone else, then it’s completely fine.
If you do give knitted gifts to others, you might want to consider knitting something fast and easy and cheap for Stepdad. My recommendation would be a watch cap-style hat out of worsted weight yarn. If you don’t know how to knit in the round, yet, there may be some patterns that are knit flat and then joined.
Ravely.com is a great resource for patterns and community.
NTA.
As long as you get him something so you’re not singling him out I think you can decide who you spend your time making gifts for. Just because he asks doesn’t mean he is going to receive. If you don’t like the guy then why worry about what he even thinks? It’s not like he’s going to get better just because you knitted him something lol.
I’d simply buy a cheap, generic gift for him and be done with it.
Don’t waste any time feeling guilty because don’t want to spend time, effort and money on a person who isn’t going to value the gift you make. NTA
I only knit for those who can appreciate what it took to make it i.e. the cost, time, skill involved. It’s very hard to spend time making something for someone who you’re not close to or you know won’t value it and your hearts not in it. Buy him something. If he says anything, tell him you thought he like what you selected better.
NTA.
I’ve knitted a Dr Who scarf (the BBC released the official pattern online). It cost me about $100 in materials and a shit-ton of my time. I wouldn’t do it for someone who demanded it, especially if they’re not likely to take care of it.
Honestly, it was eye opening the first Christmas I didn’t spend with family! It was wonderful!
I highly recommend. Imagine the money saved too!
NTA. I only cross-stitch gifts for people I know who will like and enjoy them. You do what you want.
NTA- If he complains say you didn’t have the time. Buy him a consumable. It forces him to eat it or not. Won’t have to see it destroyed and at a certain point in life you don’t need more “stuff”.
Don’t waste your time, money and energy.
NTA.
I knit. And I’ve had friends and family both be grateful when I give them a scarf/shawl/ lap blanket as a gift, and I’ve come across things I’ve gifted at the thrift shop.
The gift is no longer yours once you give it to someone else. However, you’re under no obligation to make anything for anyone, especially for a stepdad who treats you like you are an inconvenience.
If he makes a fuss, make him a deal. You’ll knit him something if he’ll cover the cost of the materials. That’s fair. If he objects, then you’re in the clear. He has no right to expect that you’ll put in the time and effort to be disrespected.
NTA definitely don’t do it because A you don’t want to and B he doesn’t sound knit worthy
When someone tells you to make something for them, it’s not a gift – it’s a commission, and artists get paid for those.
NTA. I knit and crochet. Before I learned knitting, I crocheted lots and lots of afghans/blankets. So many I didn’t need them all so gave most away as gifts. My mom would take good care of the ones I made her, to the point she wouldn’t even use some of them because she didn’t want them to get ruined. After I was an adult, she remarried. I didn’t really care for the guy and over time grew to really dislike him. But there was a year that I did give him a crocheted afghan/blanket for Christmas. He never really used it, and then started to leave it on the floor for the dog. This particular dog liked to scratch at its bedding and ripped big holes in the afghan/blanket. After she married him and they got this dog is when my mom stopped using the afghans/blankets I made her because one day she used one of the older ones and left it on the couch and her husband gave it to the dog who ripped a hole in it right away and she didn’t want that to happen to any of the others.
When I learned to knit, I was practicing and decided to make a whole bunch of hats, enough for all the adults in my husband’s family to have a personalized hat (meaning style, color, design I thought they would like). I started waaaaayyyy too close to Christmas. Stressed myself out but got them all done. It was like 10+ hats. A couple of these people constantly wear hats and we live in a place that gets really cold so most people wear hats at least in the winter. Not a single one of them ever wore one of the hats I gave them. (And yes, I was learning/practicing techniques, but these were all objectively nice/well made hats made with quality yarn. I would have been embarrassed to give someone something that wasn’t up to standards.)
Anyway, I’ve since learned the knitting community has a term “knit worthy” basically meaning is this a person who you like enough and is going to appreciate the time, effort, and materials it cost you to knit them this object. My mom’s husband and my in-laws showed themselves to not be knit worthy to me. Only you can decide who is knit worthy to you, but it sounds like your step-dad is failing the “you like enough” part of the definition.
NTA I’ve been a knitter for 10 years. I only knit things for people I’m very close with. It’s a lot of time and effort, and gets expensive fast. You don’t have that kind of relationship with him. Add to that he likely won’t take care of it? Nope. Not knit worthy for that alone.
NTA if you don’t, but I’d probably do something like make “The Big Hat” by Davina Choy on Ravelry if you’re stressing about it.
I’m a mediocre knitter, and can knit it up in an hour or so with chunky yarn IIRC. I’d probably browse thrift stores for yarn too, I’ve found a range of quality, including snagging skeins that retail for $20. Makes it less painful to make practice things I’m not sure my skill level is up to when I’m only using a couple of bucks of yarn.
Go to the Dollar Store, buy him a knit hat and say you made=problem solved. Don’t go home if you don’t want to. Maybe for a day to have lunch or something with mom or maybe she can come to you.
Look at the long range effect – will mom’s gift get destroyed ? Will he give her lip service each time she wears it? I think it’s better to make him a hat out of one color (or all the scaps ? ) just so he can’t say you didn’t . Think about it this way-if you don’t like sibling spouse do you ignore them at gift time ? Sounds like he would rather have a made gift over say – keychain? Or other trinket… NTA