I am one month postpartum with my first child. My mother in law is planning to visit and stay with us next month to meet the baby. She lives out of state, has never come to visit us, and does not have much disposable income, so this is kind of a big deal for our family.
This week, she told my husband that she has been struggling with alcohol and cannot go a day without drinking without experiencing withdrawal. She knows that her drinking upsets my husband. I also grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent and have major trauma associated with that.
We feel stuck between several rocks & hard places – I do not feel comfortable having someone in active addiction stay with us during such a vulnerable time, but she cannot afford a hotel and we are on a tight budget due to the new baby.
WIBTA if I ask her to postpone her visit until she gets some help?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I am one month postpartum with my first child. My mother in law is planning to visit and stay with us next month to meet the baby. She lives out of state, has never come to visit us, and does not have much disposable income, so this is kind of a big deal for our family.
This week, she told my husband that she has been struggling with alcohol and cannot go a day without drinking without experiencing withdrawal. She knows that her drinking upsets my husband. I also grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent and have major trauma associated with that.
We feel stuck between several rocks & hard places – I do not feel comfortable having someone in active addiction stay with us during such a vulnerable time, but she cannot afford a hotel and we are on a tight budget due to the new baby.
WIBTA if I ask her to postpone her visit until she gets some help?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m considering disinviting my mother-in-law from staying with us and not allowing her to meet her grandchildren of.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
She poses a risk to your baby because you have no idea how she may react when under the influence.
NTA, considering that your husband and also you do not want to be around her due to her alcohol issue and your trauma past. I think she should postpone the trip and stay in a hotel, and you have every right to feel uncomfortable to be around someone with an active alcohol addiction.
NTA, but only if you change the “I” to “we.” Whatever you do in regard to your husband’s family, you should discuss with him first, and most preferably come to a joint decision.
I’m willing to bet that your MIL is looking for an excuse not to visit, which is why she told your husband about her problem. But since she told HIM, and she’s HIS mother, it might be better for him to talk to her, rather than you.
NTA. I would tell her not to come at all until she has been in recovering and not at risk of withdrawal. Even if she stays at a hotel instead of your house, she still poses a risk around your baby. You don’t want someone drinking or in withdrawal holding your baby.
YWNBTA. This is a sensitive time, and going into this situation would be asking for trouble. Better for all concerned to postpone until such a visit can be more successful. Meanwhile maybe you can plan to visit her before too long?
NTA. Your husband needs to lay down boundaries here— people should not handle babies under the influence of alcohol. It’s too easy to have an accident due to poor judgement or poor coordination. If she can’t be sober, she can’t be unsupervised, and that is a big ask for you to deal with while recovering and caring for a newborn.
Tell her to go get sober before she comes to meet her granddaughter.
It will not end well. It NEVER does.
NTA…you never have to compromise on the safety and well-being of your child–ever. Let the message come from your husband, if possible. She has some difficult choices to make.
> I do not feel comfortable having someone in active addiction stay with us during such a vulnerable time
NTA – I’m sure it’s gonna suck for her when you tell her but the downside of having someone like that in the house at such a sensitive time is going to be so much worse for your family’s health than any fallout from you telling her no.
You just had a baby and are still healing. Having someone who is actively drinking and going through withdrawals in your home would be stressful and possibly unsafe for both you and the baby.
It might hurt her feelings now, but it’s not cruel. It’s looking out for yourself, your baby, and even her. Bottom line is, It’s okay to say, “We really want you to meet the baby, but right now isn’t the right time. Let’s plan for when you’re feeling healthier.”
NTA; and honestly if you let her come visit you would be TA.
You just had a baby and are still healing. Having someone who is actively drinking and going through withdrawals in your home would be stressful and possibly unsafe for both you and the baby.
It might hurt her feelings now, but it’s not cruel. It’s looking out for yourself, your baby, and even her. Bottom line is, It’s okay to say, “We really want you to meet the baby, but right now isn’t the right time. Let’s plan for when you’re feeling healthier.”
NTA. I would say we are currently not drinking in our home and leave it at that.
Absolutely ask her to put off the visit until you and the baby are both stronger and MIL reins in her alcohol problem. This may give her an incentive.
NTA. Keep that baby safe at all costs!
NTA it’s absolutely reasonable to say no and that you are grateful she was honest and support her In her recovery but that you’ll have to try another time.
NTA. People visiting and staying with you are usually a headache and not a help. Add to this her issue with alcoholism and it’s a recipe for disaster. I would say a hard no to her visiting until she is not reliant on alcohol and can sort out somewhere else to stay that is not your home.
He should say “Mom, we would love to have you visit but not until you have your drinking under control. We will happy to have zoom calls with the baby until then.”
NTA
You either deal with a woman who’s drunk (so who shouldn’t be anywhere near a child) or a woman going through withdrawal.
Both are dangerous
I think you already know the answer, OP.
“I also grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent and have major trauma associated with that.” + “I am one month postpartum with my first child.” = No visit from MIL. You have a new person to set boundaries for. The baby can’t do that for him/herself, so it’s up to you to protect that baby, whatever the cost.
WHATEVER the cost, even if “We feel stuck between several rocks & hard places.”
NTA. There’s only two things you can do with someone like her. One: Draw a line and never let them cross it. Two: Be there when they fall. She is the one stuck between a rock and hard place, not you. Be kind, but be definitive on why you would not support her visit.
She told you for a reason. Because she is fearful about being around the baby and can’t admit she doesn’t want to go for this reason, or doesn’t want to say the words to herself because it would mean getting help. Instead she want stop elf sabotage so that you pull the rug out from under the trip.
NTA and it sounds like she is giving you an opening to postpone the visit.
For someone in active addiction, she seems fairly self-aware. I think the only compassionate thing to do—for you, your husband, and for her—is to ask her to take the time she needs to get to a place of stability before she comes to visit the baby. In those first months, anybody who is going to come stay with you needs to not only be self-sufficient but also helpful. She is not in a state to be that right now.
If you wait a few months, a few things can happen. One, she may have a better handle on her drinking. Two you will be farther along in your healing post-partum, and three, the baby will be a little older and you’ll have a routine. It will be better for everyone.
NTA
I commend her for being honest as I’m sure she really wants to meet her grandchild. However, I would not be able to host someone in an active addiction while taking care of a newborn. I would request that she reschedule or wait until the baby is a little older and you can take the trip to meet her.
I wouldn’t allow her to visit at all until she has been totally dry for a set amount of time. At least six months for me. If she can’t afford to stay at a hotel that’s too bad. You obligation is to your baby, not to your MIL. It is your responsibility to protect your baby. MIL does visit until she gets sober for a while.
NTA. You have to do right by you and your little family. The last thing you need right now is potentially having to care for a grown adult on top of adjusting to parenthood. Congratulations on the birth of your little one.
Do not let her come to your house while she’s struggling with alcohol addiction. She will not be a safe person for your child.
NTA – It’s good that she knows it’s a problem, but now she needs to deal with it. It isn’t safe to have her in your home around an infant. There are consequences to her choices.
YWNBTA. That is not something you need around a newborn. If she has been drinking and you don’t know, and she holds or drops the baby, that is terrifying. I would definitely ask for her to postpone until she is sober. It is stressful enough to have a visit, but a visit with someone with a drinking problem, no.
NTA. This is a bad health situation all round, and to be honest it almost sounds as if she is asking you to give her the incentive that she needs to get help.