Hi.
Need some advice. I (24F) have my birthday dinner in a few days. I’m really excited. I haven’t done anything for my birthday in a few years, and this is the first time I’ve planned a nice intimate dinner party with 10 of my closest friends.
Clothes ordered, cake ordered, food done.
I found out today from my mom that her sister’s husband is being tested for cancer. They live in a different country but we are all close as a family. Long story short, they found a lump, they suspect it’s cancer. He’s had a biopsy, and is scheduled for an MRI the same day I have my birthday dinner.
Now, his daughter (22F) lives in the same city as us. She’s a student here. We’re quite close and she’s obviously invited to the dinner. When my mom told me about what was happening with her dad/my uncle, she said not to say anything to her because she doesn’t know and her parents don’t want to tell her until they know for sure. TBH, I was really annoyed because why have I been brought into this secret unwillingly. I don’t want to keep anything from her and I think it’s unfair that they won’t tell her.
Regardless, this is news she needs to hear from her parents and not me I think. I did ask my aunt to tell her but she outright refused.
I feel wrong hosting a birthday dinner knowing this huge thing is going on ESPECIALLY considering his daughter doesn’t know.
I asked my parents what I should do, and my mom said to go ahead with it and my dad said to cancel it. I was so excited for this birthday and I really want to go ahead with it. WIBTA if I do?
Editing to add: conflict here is that I intend to continue having my birthday dinner but my dad is saying I should cancel it because it’s inconsiderate. WIBTA if I have it?
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Hi.
Need some advice. I (24F) have my birthday dinner in a few days. I’m really excited. I haven’t done anything for my birthday in a few years, and this is the first time I’ve planned a nice intimate dinner party with 10 of my closest friends.
Clothes ordered, cake ordered, food done.
I found out today from my mom that her sister’s husband is being tested for cancer. They live in a different country but we are all close as a family. Long story short, they found a lump, they suspect it’s cancer. He’s had a biopsy, and is scheduled for an MRI the same day I have my birthday dinner.
Now, his daughter (22F) lives in the same city as us. She’s a student here. We’re quite close and she’s obviously invited to the dinner. When my mom told me about what was happening with her dad/my uncle, she said not to say anything to her because she doesn’t know and her parents don’t want to tell her until they know for sure. TBH, I was really annoyed because why have I been brought into this secret unwillingly. I don’t want to keep anything from her and I think it’s unfair that they won’t tell her.
Regardless, this is news she needs to hear from her parents and not me I think. I did ask my aunt to tell her but she outright refused.
I feel wrong hosting a birthday dinner knowing this huge thing is going on ESPECIALLY considering his daughter doesn’t know.
I asked my parents what I should do, and my mom said to go ahead with it and my dad said to cancel it. I was so excited for this birthday and I really want to go ahead with it. WIBTA if I do?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Action taken: continuing to host my birthday dinner after finding alarming information about a relative’s medical status
(2) Because it means that I’m being insensitive and keeping a secret form a close relative
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You haven’t described any conflict we can judge. Sounds like you’re just asking for advice.
Your mom is the AH for telling you when your cousin doesn’t even know. You do what you think is right for you. You shouldn’t grieve any time someone you know might have some bad news, but your concern for a loved one is understandable. I personally would still have the dinner.
INFO if you’re close with your cousin how do you think she’ll react when she finds out or if she finds out you knew and didn’t tell her? I think your family/her parents are being rude to her for keeping her out of the loop, but only you can really know how she’ll react if she finds out about this information and how it was kept from her.
I don’t know what the conflict is here, but your mother should not have told you about your uncle when the aunt and uncle don’t even want to tell their own child. I would go ahead with the dinner rather than lying to everyone about why it’s cancelled (you’d have to lie to cover for your mother’s egregious overstepping in telling you about the uncle, or else you’d be disclosing his test to his daughter, your cousin).
NTA – but your mom is for pulling you into this secret.
How would you begin to explain the cancellation to your cousin who doesn’t know her dad is being evaluated for potential cancer?
Enjoy your birthday dinner.
How is it inconsiderate to cancel a party when the person who might feel it is inconsiderate doesn’t know the reason and won’t feel like that.
What lie does your dad want you to tell EVERYONE if you cancel? Or do your guests also get to the know secret that shouldn’t be a secret?
She’s going to be pissed about being left out of the loop with or without a fun evening.
NTA
Tell mom that she doesn;t get to rope you in to keeping a huge secret. As to the dinner being inconsiderate, that is only true if you expect affected people to show up.
If you cancel it, there will be questions therefore exposing the secret. The man is not openly dying in the next 24 hrs far as you know. Celebrate your birthday but be prepared for the betrayal
Your dad thinks you should cancel because your uncle is having an MRI in a different county earlier in the day? That’s ridiculous.
Enjoy your party.
Your mom’s the asshole for dropping that shit on your head and then telling you not to tell your cousin about it. Who does that? NTA have your party and enjoy yourself.
Your dad is ridiculous. It takes time for a non emergent MRI to be read and a report to be written and sent back to the doctor. You can’t do anything but let them know you’re thinking of them, which can be done while keeping your existing plans. YWNBTA
have it. it may be the last chance for a good time for a long time.
YWNBTA. Your mom is TA for dropping that on you. Other people’s medical procedures have zero bearing on YOUR birthday plans. Especially when the uncle in question isn’t even in the same COUNTRY. Have your Birthday dinner and lose your shitty parents
Nta, I don’t understand how your uncles mri in a whole different country would warrant you canceling your birthday dinner. Like I get it’s a scary situation for your uncle but he probably won’t get answers the same day anyway
NTA
Ive had cancer. The MRIs are done and over with in an hour or so, depending on whether you have contrast. Nobody else can even be in the room. Unless you have an allergic reaction, you are finw except for feeling like you have to pee and irritation where the IV was put in. Enjoy your birthday!
Life goes on regardless of relative’s medical circumstances. I was in a similar situation, waiting for biopsy tests & the last thing I would’ve wanted, is for people to change their plans because of it. Worrying about myself is bad enough, worrying about other people, worrying about me, is too much!
NTA. Your uncle is gonna have his MRI (in another country) whether you have a birthday party or not. Your mom sucks for telling you that information and forcing you to keep it from your cousin.
It was wrong for your mom to share that with you.
However, it’s not a secret. It’s something that is private.
The father will tell his daughter when he’s ready.
Have your party and enjoy!
Happy Birthday 🎂
Don’t cancel.
It’s not inconsiderate – like you’re not even in the same country as your uncle. And he’s getting a test.
Your family are straight up dipshits!! NTA
NTA
Unless you are needed to assist with the MRI, there is nothing you can do.
Celebrate your birthday as planned. Hug your friends.
Oof, this is going to be a tough one. First, YWNBTA if you don’t cancel. Right now, they don’t have answers which is why all the testing. There is absolutely no reason to put YOUR life and happiness on hold just for testing for something that may or may not be there. What if everything comes back negative? Sure, you’ll be happy that he’s fine and cancer free, but you’ll also be angry about having your happiness and enjoyment interrupted. Then there’s your cousin, who’ll be downright pissed that you knew and didn’t say anything as well as her own parents not saying anything to her.
Now for the most difficult part of this. Your cousin has a right to know, regardless of a positive or negative diagnosis. Tell your parents, aunt, and uncle that it is not fair to you what they have done by telling you then making you keep quiet. Make it clear to them that even if you don’t say anything, your cousin is going to find out that you knew and will be beyond pissed at you for not saying anything. Tell them all that they have until whatever day before your birthday celebration to tell your cousin themselves, because you refuse to have your cousin angry at you for something that was not, is not, and never should be your responsibility. Make it clear that you will be telling your cousin everything by whatever day before the celebration along with the fact that you were told not to say anything at all, ever, which you vehemently disagree with and therefore you are telling her. This is going to make lots of people angry, there’s no getting around that. If you make it clear that the only ones the anger should be pointed at is themselves (your aunt/uncle and/or parents), or the elders (cousin) then hopefully things will calm down against you in time. In the short term, you’ll likely have to deal with that anger and people getting on you for it. In the long term, your cousin at least should ease up and not vent her anger on the innocent party (you). Either way, don’t let your cousin go any longer without knowing. She has a right to know about something that could have a huge impact on her life.
NTA and what does your father expect to happen? Why would you need to cancel? He’s in a different country and he’s having a biopsy. It’s not an invasive procedure although it could be a little uncomfortable.
NTA. Even if your cousin knew about the MRI, AND if they wanted to be present for it, there’s no way the timing would conflict between that and dinner. And even if -that- did, I can’t imagine you’d be upset at your cousin for wanting to be around her family instead celebrating your birthday, right?
So have your birthday.
You’ll feel like a fool if the MRI machine is broken that day and Uncle gets rescheduled.
Cancer patient here. NTA. This is all on your mom for blabbing to you in the first place. If your aunt and uncle are so hot to keep it a secret, they should have told no one.
I get that it’s a scary time for your family, but please don’t cancel your dinner. Canceling will not change the outcome of the scan. I would be very upset if someone canceled something like that because of my treatments. The last thing I want is for the world to stop just because of whatever is going on with me at the moment.
YWNBTA This may be beside the point, and I don’t know his specific situation, but when I last had an MRI it took two weeks to learn the results. He might not even get news that day. Sorry that you are burdened with this secret, and I hope you have a fun birthday dinner and that your uncle is okay.
So things happen to people in our lives, but we don’t stop living because other people face bumps in the road. The uncle is getting an MRI. That’s a test. He likely won’t know the results of that test for a couple days after when he talks with his doctor. He lives in a different country.
Is your dad seriously suggesting that you should halt your life because a distant relative is getting a test done? What am I missing here? I understand you’re close with your cousin. I don’t think her parents are handling things the right way. Not sure why your mom brought you into the secret. Does she not know how secrets work? That was kind of a jerk move of her to do to you.
Depending on how large your family is, if you canceled things every single time, someone faced a life issue, would anyone ever celebrate? Your mom is correct about proceeding with the party. Your dad has a bizarre perspective. How would you explain canceling a dinner at the last minute? That sure would raise questions.
I wish your uncle well. I hope that he gets the treatment he needs quickly. He is unlikely to be the last of your relatives ever to get cancer. Most people I know with cancer don’t expect everyone else else’s life to stop. In fact, most of them want life to continue so that they can capture moments of joy. Family dinners are good touch stones when people are sad or facing health issues.
Have your party. You are NTA. Your mom is right.
Getting results back from an MRI is not instantaneous. An MRI is usually sent to the doctor, the doctor interprets the results, and the person schedules an appointment to learn the results a few days later.
NTA. MRI results won’t even be back that day! Let your cousin (and you) have a great day before possible crap hits the fan with her dad!
Ignore Dad!! Life goes on and you only turn 24 once! What good will cancelling your celebration do for anyone? NTA
NTA. I’m an aunt, a mother, a sister, a cousin, a best friend, a Godmother etc. I would be highly upset if anyone canceled any birthday dinner because I’m having an MRI, no matter if the situation was life and death. I would not want to be the downer on my family/ friends birthday. Enjoy your party and just know, regardless of the outcome of the results, it is already set in stone and you not having the party won’t make a different. Let me add to that, I’m sure there is a time difference. You might have the results in before it is time to start your party. Let put positive energy into the world for a positive outcome of the MRI results.
NTA. Life goes on, it’s a test, he won’t get the results dame day. Go enjoy your birthday. Tell your mum to keep secrets to herself because now YOU have the burden of it and that’s very unfair. Hope your uncle is ok and happy birthday
NTA , what are you supposed to do cancel your party and sit around and wring your hands over something that doesn’t immediately effect you. Don’t ever put your life on hold for anyone, and sometimes that includes close family. Now your aunt is a giant asshole for telling everyone but her own daughter!!
NTA. Don’t listen to your dad. He’s being ridiculous. Especially as the daughter doesn’t know. It’ll look suspicious. Joy still has a job to do in the gloom. Life doesn’t stop
NTA.
I’m a retired nurse who has had a number of MRIs myself.
Your uncle will not find out his MRI results the day of his test, most likely.
The technicians who do the tests don’t diagnose anything. They may flag suspicious areas for the radiologist to review.
The radiologist then would notify his doctor. If it is urgent at all, his doctor may be notified the same day. If not, the result will be in a couple of days.
It is fine to have your party. But don’t tell your cousin about their father. That is up to the parents.
Many years ago, my husband was diagnosed with a low grade and treatable cancer, right before Christmas. We didn’t tell our son until after Christmas, so he could enjoy the holidays with his wife and child. Husband is doing great now.
You can not put your life on hold because your uncle is having a test done. It could be days before the radiologist issues his report and gives it to your uncle’s doctor. It is best not to panic your cousin.
Why would you cancel it? What would be the reason? Oh the same reason that you’re not supposed to say to your cousin? Happy birthday, go on with the dinner and enjoy your time with your family and friends. NTA
I had the same kind of MRI type test and I did not tell my children. I waited for results first. It was okay and no need to worry. Your mom messed up and ruined your day ahead of time and I am so sorry!
NTA and keep the party. It is possible there is nothing wrong. Even if there is you would have to explain why you cancelled and you would ruin what her parents wanted to do which is spare he the worry in case it is nothing.
Nta. Don’t cancel. Enjoy your birthday dinner. I’m sorry this family member is sick.
You’re 24, an adult.
Better learn now that everyone won’t agree with everything you do in life.
Make your own decisions and live your own life.
NTA, do the party because it’s not at all certain he’s got cancer. If he did, it might well be quite treatable. Worst case scenario, people get some joy while they can.
NTA
NTA. It’s not like he’s going to get immediate results, so it’s silly to put your life on hold. You don’t sound close to them, physically or emotionally, so it doesn’t make sense to cancel. If your mom wants to stay home and fret about her BIL, that’s her prerogative.
Have the party. It isn’t disrespectful or mean. It does suck that you have been a secret your cousin should know about though. Unfortunately, it isn’t your news to share. However, if they share more with you and don’t tell her, you probably should. Someone is going to mad at you, you need to decide who is more important
NTA. Every cancer patient I’ve ever known has hated how the people around them make their lives all about the cancer. Even they just want to go on and not be reminded about it constantly. Not that they’d ever be able to forget about it. Have your dinner. Enjoy yourself. Your family sucks for how they’ve handled this news so far.
You never get the results of an MRI the same day. It has to be read and interpreted. Have your celebration as the result will be the same tomorrow or the next day.
YWNBTA. Please have your party. Having been the subject of MRI’s myself, I’d be very put out with my nieces or nephews if they cancelled something to celebrate about themselves just because I was getting a diagnostic test.