I (22f) grew up in a house with three stepsisters Ava (25f), Kate (27f) and Lexia (31f). My dad married their mom 20 years ago and we had no other living/involved parents so we spent all our time living together as a family at the time. But I always felt left out and like I wasn’t a real sibling despite my parents saying otherwise. They told me step is just a word to describe us all stepping into a life together and I was just as much their sister as the they were to each other.
I tried to bridge the gap between us a few times. When we were kids but even when we were all adults. In college I really hoped we could bond more and they would be interested but other than being more polite than when we were kids, I never felt it.
Lexia got engaged last year and immediately announced Ava and Kate as her bridesmaids. Then a few weeks later announced her future SILs as bridesmaids too. Lexia’s fiancé is going to have his brothers and his stepbrother as groomsmen. That hurt. To know I was the only sibling not included. I know my stepsisters don’t think of me that way but we’ve known each other longer than her fiancé knows his stepbrother and it’s not because I never wanted us to be close. But I accepted that they’re not obligated to ask me. I know Lexia won’t be the only one to not want me so I worked on accepting that.
Then I learned that it’s not just that. But I wasn’t going to be invited at all. My stepmom told Lexia if she didn’t invite me at all then she wouldn’t go to the wedding. This was because literally anyone was invited to their wedding. Even people they hardly know and really distant family. But not me. Once I learned this I couldn’t bring myself to say I’d go. I talked to my dad and he told me my stepmom stood up for my right to be invited and that if for no other reason than she did that, I should go.
I hate the idea of going somewhere I am truly not wanted and I just feel hurt that this is how things are between us. And the wedding is kinda the last thing I want to attend. But my stepmom did make a stand to get me invited so I feel obligated to go.
WIBTA if I don’t?
Comments
Do you have any idea why Lexia wouldn’t want you to be invited to her wedding?
You WNBTA don’t go where you’re not wanted. Your stepmother did the bare minimum and 20 years too late. Make a date with yourself for the wedding day, buy yourself something pretty, pick up your favourite wine and cheese. Whatever your self care things are, spend the day doing that.
If you’re not feeling welcome then you should not go. Period.
Shoulders back, T!Ts up, you go. Your step mom stood up for you. Take the win. Look your best, stand tall, and if anyone asks why you aren’t in the wedding you smile (with everything but your eyes)
And say no comment. It will raise eyebrows and you’ll still have taken the high road.
Grace and poise win the day. And you never know, you might meet some really interesting people.
Not sure if I understand why but you should feel like an invitation is genuine.
I hope your returning the favour by not including them anymore? Don’t be bullied into anything you don’t want. If that means LC with dad as a result we’ll thats his loss. You start putting yourself first and not them. You sound like you have a great friend group and who really needs more?
I would go just to make them pay for my meal. Wear a bright red dress too.
Thank your step mom. Take her to dinner to thank her for being there for you growing up, and standing up for you now. But tell her you will NOT come between her and Lexia or be the source of any hard feelings between them. She’ll see who is being the bigger person and my guess is, she won’t let her daughter(s) forget that.
Then, plan something fabulous that weekend and don’t give them a second thought.
NTA, don’t go! Yr stepmother prob thinks she meant well, but you’re not interested, so there is no need for you to attend an event you won’t feel welcome at.
NAH I get all sides in this. She does not consider you a sister and has resentment for constantly being forced to treat you as such when that was not your relationship. She is taking back control of her life and her relationships.
You obviously dont want to go where you are not wanted and seem to have accepted that while you were raised together that has not formed a sisterly bond.
I guess your stepmother and dad might be assholes for pushing for the relationship when it is clear that it is nonexistent. I do not know how much her pushing for you to be there was her attempting to save face or how much she actually thinks you should be there.
YWNBTA.
NTA, they’ve treated you like garbage your whole life why would you life a finger for her. I agree with someone else who said your stepmom did the bare minimum and I agree – your dad and her have allowed you to grow up in that shitty environment. You deserve so much better. Dont go and be honest that why would you go where no one wants you and they treat you poorly. I’m sorry your dad allowed this your whole life.
I might write something in a group family chat about how utterly shameful and disrespectful this sister is. Not inviting you at all is not about whether she sees you as a sister, it’s about complete and utter disrespect for you as a person. Over what? What possible reason does she have to do this? You arent a stranger – to not invite you is an act. It is deliberate. It’s mean. I would say how utterly disappointed you are in discovering someone you so wished to be close to turned out so small and cruel. Enemies receive such deliberate maliciousness.
Take heart that while you were hurt by the love in your heart, she has been hurting herself with hate – and that kind of thing scars and contorts far worse.
Edit to add: in terms of going/not going – make the decision based on how it will affect your relationship with the rest of your family. Also – having fun at her wedding is its own kind of petty revenge.
I think you should thank your step-mom for standing up for you, she did the right thing. But I also think that does not obligate you to go. You didn’t ask her to threaten not to go or to get you invited. Just thank her wholeheartedly for thinking of you, but tell her that you really would rather not go.
Just tell your dad that you know their hearts are in the right place, but this is putting you in the position to go somewhere you are not wanted, and you would really be better off not going. No one wants a “forced” invitation. That’s worse than not being invited in the first place.
Updateme.
I’m not sure what the right thing to do is, but props to your step mom.
That’s really big.
If anything can come out of this, realize your step mom had your back over those kids.
Skip it. Take yourself out to dinner and have a you day. NTA.
I’m sure your job or school will have a mandatory meeting you need to be at that day, right? Send a post card to congratulate Lexia (it’s the minimum your dad can expect).
WNBTA
NTA You know she doesn’t want you at her wedding. That should be it.
It shouldn’t have come down to this….no one should feel left out like this. Your parents should have addressed this long ago. You should not feel guilty for not going. If your Dad doesn’t understand, that’s on him. Go have a fun day with a friend. Take care of you.
You all are adults now, no reason to go to this womans wedding that clearly wants a clean break from you. I wouldn’t take it to heart, looks like straight from the beginning it would be a hard sell for any of them to accept another kid in their clique.
UpdateMe!
NTA at all but your dad makes a good point. Id consider going to ceremony only if you can, or if not, sit down with your parents in person & tell them. Tell stepmom how much you appreciate it but know youre not wanted & feel really uncomfortable. I guess if all else fails its one day to suck up but you know best what is best for you, remember that
NTA. I think you should have a 1 x 1 with your Stepmom and tell her how much you appreciated her standing up for you, but after learning that’s the only reason you were invited, you aren’t comfortable attending. Tell her that your presence is a reminder of that conflict, so it’s not fair to either of you.
I wouldn’t go either, OP. Hugs.
You have a lot of great advice here, but if you feel you need to appease your dad maybe go to the wedding and skip the reception. You never know where they will seat you.
NTA, they don’t like you for whatever reason. You wouldn’t have a good time if you went. She would make anything you do piss her off.
I’m confused. Your step sisters didn’t like you being included in things all their lives. Was their mother the one always footing the bill and you and your dad were just freeloading? I doubt that. So if your dad is paying for half the outings, why wouldn’t they realize that it is YOU that is allowing them to come along on outings at least half the time? Anyway, NTA but it must have been rough living with all that hostility growing up. Surprised your dad and step mom didn’t do more counseling or some kind of therapy.
If I were you I won’t go. It’s their wedding, after all they decided and if they didn’t want you there then you need to respect that and overall respect yourself and not going is respect your feelings and show them your point.
Yeah, your stepmom does her job ¡WOW! What expected your father? A pin? An award? Be grateful and thanks her but no more. In my case I’ll go public and explain everything to everyone and show my point of respect their decision of not want you there even when they invited literally everyone and I’ll sit in my place with my favorite meal, my friends, doing something I love meanwhile they are dealing with the consequences.
Please, respect yourself and put boundaries, this is the first one.
NTA thank your stepmother but explain that you won’t go where you aren’t wanted. Tell her that her daughters have never been nice and while you appreciate stepmoms efforts they are for not.
NTA
But I’d go.
I’d get totally dressed up. Look my absolute best. Total hair, makeup etc etc. I’d bring my best looking friend who can dance and just ignore your steps and just be chill and ignore them.
Eat the food. Drink the drinks. Dance the night away.
Just get a simple card with like $20 if that.
This is one sided, maybe you were the problem and that’s why you weren’t invited
Absolutely 100% don’t go. If you’re not really wanted absolutely find something much better to do and don’t buy a present either? Don’t do that no matter what you do . just you had a friend that was going on a trip and invited you along and that was the only chance you could go
Has your step mother always been good to you? If so, you should consider going out of consideration for her and for that alone. You wouldn’t want that relationship to be negatively impacted. If you believe she stood up for you strictly because of what other people would think, then I would say there’s no point in going.
Info: How is their relationship with your dad/their stepdad? They rejected you, did they reject him? Behavior like this doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Do you have any idea why they dislike you so much?
Edit: Whatever the reason, I’m sure it’s irrational. Not going to the wedding however, that would be the rational thing to do.
No matter what your stepmother wants, please don’t go where you’re not welcome. I’m sorry your steps have treated you so badly, but as an adult, you have no duty to accept their grudging invitation. NTA
NTA. OP, you’ve been given some wonderful advice here. If you can, take step mom AND your Dad out for coffee, whatever. Thank her for intervening on your behalf, how kind it was of her. But let her know that if Lexia doesn’t want you there, neither do her sisters, it’s Lexia’s day & it’s unfair to force her to invite someone she can’t stand to her special day. Are you ok telling her that you’re fine with it, you’re not trying anymore, and wish her a wonderful wedding for her daughter?
Can you get time with your father after the wedding & tell him you’re done trying with his new family? You’ve tried & been rejected & shit on, while he & his wife acted like it was fine, when it wasn’t, because 5 of them were comfortable with the way you were treated. And you’re done. He chose to let another woman’s daughters treat you as less than, when the adults should have intervened, gotten family therapy if possible. They made a family that didn’t include you. The wedding invitation exclusion should have had HIM telling Lexia he wasn’t coming, that she wasn’t going to treat his daughter so disrespectfully. And you’re done. Maybe he chose the path of least resistance, but in so doing, he sacrificed you. And you know you deserve better. You’re not tolerating that shit anymore.
OP, if you have people you’re close enough to spend holidays & special occasions with, consider doing that for a few years. Be with people who make you happy & want to be with you. You don’t have to go nc, but dad & step need to see you’re done being treated cruelly & disrespected while they allow it. Enjoy your life on your terms now. Hopefully, they’ll all come around & healing can happen. But you have to find your spine & know your worth first.
Go on a fun weekend trip with friends. Post lots of photos on your social media.
Send a huge plant or bouquet to your stepmom. She’s a peach.
Do not send a card or gift to your stepsister. She sucks.
It’s an invitation, not a summons. Let your stepmom know you’re grateful that she stood up for you, but you’d rather not go. Make plans with friends to have a fun weekend and enjoy yourself. And cut your stepsisters out of your life, but keep dad and stepmom in; they at least tried to stand up for you.
NTA
How petty these girls are I would be embarrassed to be related to them! I’m sorry Op that you are treated like this and you absolutely deserve to not go to it. Good luck 🙏🏻🫶
Here’s a thought … while you were effectively ignored did your Dad not ONCE think ‘I’m screwing up my kid staying in this marriage’?
As a single dad, if I saw this on my kids the marriage would not have lasted 20 years. Yes I get it’s not the stepmothers fault but as parents it’s not about our feelings, we chose to have kids and if we put them in a situation that screws them up emotionally for our own feelings or needing sex it’s gross. What you’re feeling now is totally on your dad’s shoulders.
I’d send both your parents a message in a group chat with
‘This is just the icing on the cake of what you made me endure my entire life. A daily reminder of rejection. I appreciate you standing up for me but I’m fully grown now and I thank you for supporting me and standing up to those who emotionally screwed me up. I won’t be at the wedding and going forward it’s best I limit my contact with you, it’s simply not good for my mental health to see a family and me as the reject. I also want to thank you dad, you saw this for 20 years, you saw them subject me for what can be argued as emotional abuse and I thank you for showing me what I should never be as a parent’.
Edit: the above may come off harsh but as someone whose parents are split up and both have other partners … my parents ended their relationships at any whiff of us being treated differently or bullied or spoken down to by new partners or their children. It wasn’t easy, I remember my dad crying when he broke up with his second wife and when I apologised for raising an issue with her kids he told me he’s crying cause he put his dick above his children and was embarrassed he didn’t act sooner. He is my role model of what a parent should be in many ways.
Your parents married 20 years ago. The time to stand up for you was then.
When it is just you and her, set your phone to record and put it in your pocket. Directly ask Lexia if she wants you at her wedding or not and why. Question her hard; make her say it! Secretly record her true answer. You can then quote her in the family group chats; you can play it for your parents; you can listen to it back whenever; you can play it back to Lexia when you need ammunition. (Truth and honesty and all that.) Head up, stiff upper lip, shiny up that spine of yours.
Only you can decide if you want to go to this wedding. Do you want photos with your parents who will be all dressed nice? Do you want to see the relatives and friends who haven’t been in town in a while? Do you want photos with your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends, etc? Do you want to have fun in spite of Lexia at her own party? Do you want to do your own thing regardless of what Lexia says? These people at her wedding are your family too. Do you want to have a future relationship with any of these people or just not the “steps?” Think it through. Do what you want, but do it with confidence. Communicate early and often with the parents if you think that will help you. I think they are trying to be in your corner, but Lexia is just being a hateful person.
NTA. Why would you want to go when it’s obvious that you aren’t wanted?
UpdateMe!
YWNBTA
Your SS can invite whomever she wants to her wedding.
She made it very clear to everyone how she feels about where you stand in her life. She’s flexing and making a statement with your absence in her bridal party and wedding.
Your SM did the noble thing when talking with her daughter. She is only responsible for her actions as SS is responsible for hers.
I mean if you want to find out for sure go to the horses mouth.
Ask SS to confirm what you want answers to..that you are not receiving an invite neither to the bridal party, shower, bachelorette, etc….
and confirming that she is severing the relationship forever.
I’d be curious as to what her reply will be but sounds like she never cared (a real life mean girl) and never accepted you as family.
Either way you can be prepared with your response and your actions.
Put her in your rearview. You can’t force a relationship with someone who’s not willing to have one with you. If she doesn’t want you in her wedding or life that’s her loss!
Live your life to the fullest and do not think on her decision as a reflection of your actions, as you’ve done nothing but tried, it reflects on her character.
I agree with taking the SM and dad to brunch and inform them of your decision and how you came to that decision . Thank her for her effort, and let her know that she can’t force someone to like you or have a relationship with you, and that’s okay you can understand their decision. Lay it all out, bare it all.
You tell them how you are going forward in your life and ask them to respect that as you are respecting SS. They may not like either decision but they must respect them.
And go from there and go shine your life!
YWNBTA don’t go. The stepmom doesn’t want you there she just doesn’t want to look bad if you’re not. If she did she AND more importantly your dad would have stood up for you 20 years ago.
That sounds awkward for you and would be uncomfortable for you to go.
Personally, I wouldn’t go.
I get where you’re coming from with regards to your stepmom, but is there any chance she only forced your invite because it would be awkward explaining to everyone why you weren’t there? I only ask because it doesn’t seem like she did a lot to foster better relationships in the past.
Before you attend out of obligation to her, be certain her motives aren’t self-serving.
Either way, NTAH
Updateme
Not attending is going to draw attention away from bridezilla. People will talk, which is absolutely perfect because stepsister can’t do anything to stop it. Let the rumors fly. She’ll look awful to her in-laws, what did she do to you that wouldn’t attend her wedding?
Go away on a fabulous vacation if you can afford it. If not, go visit friends.
Don’t go. Tell your stepmother thank you for sticking up for you but you will not go where you are not wanted. And if people ask tell them that she didn’t want to invite you.
Plan a trip for yourself for that weekend
Just explain to your father and stepmother that you are thankful that she intervened on your behalf, but you do not want to get in between her and her daughter. You will have other plans on that day. NTA.
NTA. I agree with thanking stepmom and declining the invitation. Frankly, I think your dad is a dick for keeping you in this situation. He should have protected you by leaving long ago.
Go and have THE BEST TIME. Make sure you’re in tons of pics. Bonus points if you can befriend her MIL. I bet she’s talked shit about you, so be super charming and gracious. “What was stepsister getting on with?” She’ll hate it! Then when you get married, invite them but put them at a kids’ table and make sure one meal does show up. Did your dad give any money to the wedding?
So don’t go
You would not be the asshole if you didn’t go. Not one bit. I do not know how to advise you, though.
Your stepmom is wonderful and I am so glad she has your back.
Oh my goodness, you were only two years old when they married? Does that mean your stepmother is the only mother you have ever known? My heart is breaking for you right now. We adopted our daughter when she wasn’t much younger than you were when they married. We do have a biological son who’s younger, but she’s my baby as much as him. This hurts my heart, and I love your stepmother for standing up for you. My little girl is 22 as well, so she’s not so little anymore. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t still need me.
You need to sit down with your stepmother and have a conversation that’s just between the two of you. Tell her that you love her dearly, and how she made you feel so much love for what she did for you. Make that as clear as possible. Then tell her that it hurts not to be wanted by your stepsisters, but what adds to that pain is attending an event where you’re not wanted. Ask her if she would be hurt if you didn’t put yourself through that, and if she says yes, tell her you will do it for her. If she says she understands and doesn’t want you to put yourself through that, then don’t go.
Your step sister might think she’s hurting only you, but she is hurting her own mother. Handle her very gently, but make it clear that you love her unconditionally. That you will do it for her, even if it’s just the ceremony. You should also be able to bring a guest for emotional support.
Please update as things develop. I wish you the best of luck. Your stepsisters truly sound like the evil stepsisters.