I’m (28f) engaged to Shay (29m). We’ve been together for 5.5 years and engaged a few months now. The other week we sat down and talked out a tentative guest list for our wedding and I hesitated whether my family (mom, dad, brother and two sisters) should be on the list. I love my family but when it comes to my relationships outside the family they have always been weird about the fact my best friend is a guy.
Ben (28m) lived three houses away from us growing up and we became best friends as really young kids/toddlers. When we were younger it wasn’t seen as a huge deal. But that’s because it was assumed that we’d end up together and married. My family always teased us about that and even when I started to get a little older, like into my teens, and told them Ben was just a friend and more of a brother to me, they didn’t buy it. They acted like my world would end when Ben got his first girlfriend. They were shocked when I got my first boyfriend.
My parents suggested to me at a few stages in my life that I should find a girl to be best friends with and not Ben, because our relationship was a recipe for disaster. My siblings used to say we should just fuck and get it over with and then we’d see that we really did like each other. I always felt weird hearing that because Ben was never someone I felt any romantic or sexual draw to and he feels the same way about me. There was no magic awakening of feelings at a certain point.
Around college is when my family got more weird about it and they were always asking questions about why we stayed BFFs and never tried being together.
Even when I introduced them to Shay they acted surprised that I was taking those steps with someone other than Ben.
And over the years I have told them they need to drop it and accept Ben is just my very best friend and is not a guy I’m secretly in love with. They said Shay would never marry me as long as Ben’s in the picture and then they acted so surprised when we did a social media announcement of our engagement with the best man (Shay’s BFF) and the man of honor (Ben). They brought up that they felt like I was making a mistake and that I’m deluding myself into this belief that Ben is just a friend.
My family are nice to Shay and actually like him a lot. So it’s not out of worry for how they’ll treat him that I’m considering whether they should come. But they don’t support us and they’re just being really unfair about all of this and after so many years, so many discussions and even times where I have walked out because they wouldn’t let this thing go, I’m considering whether they’ll just spend the whole day talking about how I should be marrying Ben or something.
Shay supports me either way. He doesn’t feel strongly one way or the other. He just wants me to be happy with my decision.
My family complained that they hadn’t been asked about dates they’re free for or other wedding related stuff from me. I told them since they don’t really support this wedding I wasn’t sure if they would be included. They asked if that meant invited and I told them maybe. They couldn’t believe I’d ever consider not inviting them. My mom and sisters said it hurt to think I’d entertain the idea. I explained where I was coming from and they said they are allowed to talk about stuff they want to and are allowed to find it strange that a man and woman can be platonically best friends without ever going romantic/sexual.
I feel like if this was an occasional thing I could maybe let it go, or if it was in the past, but they still question this shit and it’s regular enough. So I feel like their presence could spoil it especially if they decide to talk about their weird obsession with me and Ben on my wedding day. But they’re also my family ultimately.
WIBTA if I don’t invite them? WIBTA if I do? IDK anymore.
Comments
NTA either way. It’s your choice.
I find it significant that while your family are pressing on an invite, they aren’t backing from their position about your relationships, and aren’t even respecting your right not to have them continually harassing you about the subject. Yes, they have the right to their opinions, but not to constantly repeat them. Since that is the situation, you have no guarantee that they won’t turn your wedding into a drama fest with their negative comments. You have every right to exclude them, to protect your happy day.
Honestly, sounds like they are hung up on a romance novel idea of childhood friends being together – I personally wouldn’t take it as disapproval (they’re good with Shay) and not invite them. Not inviting them to your wedding is saying you don’t want them in the next chapter of your life. Where maybe your wedding snaps them out of it.
NTA but just asking for drama over a childish ideal they held on to. I wouldn’t play into it. If anyone brings up Ben just tell them you will uninvite them to the wedding if they don’t stop – it’s childish, overplayed, and disrespectful to Shay/your marriage. Beyond that I wouldn’t.
Fake
Should I recommend a good family therapist ?
Nta and it’s 2025 not 1945.
My dad and that side of the family could never accept my (now) wife even though (aside for 5years at uni) ive dated her from 16, we’re now married and have a 6 year old (in our 40s)
Pre-marriage my dads family tried to tank the marriage convincing me we should get a prenup, we almost ended before we’d started; then even after we were married they’d complain “why can’t you just find a nice Chinese girl to settle down with” then it was “oh you know westerns age faster than Asians in a few years you’ll look like you’re dating a grandma” literal bullshit like that…. It wasn’t until our kid was born then it all stopped
So yeah don’t listen to any of that meddling family bullshit.
Nta. Every time my family said they understood my boundaries(I was NC for a few years) i would give in (invite them on vacation or go visit them, etc)
They would then change it and stand on the very thing I told them was a line.
The fact that your family is saying it like “duh we would say it you should be okay with that” shows your fears are going to come true in the purest form. I stand by you on not inviting them.
NTA
Firstly it is YOUR day. Do as you want you won’t be TA in any of the circumstances.
Secondly if you’re going to invite them (I am sure they want to very much) have some kind of backup. Maybe a couple of guests or straight up guards to show them the way out if they begin acting up
Normally, I’m very much a “set a boundary with consequences and stick to it” sorta guy. But you’ve clearly stated that this is not an acceptable viewpoint/topic/conversation and they won’t stop. The line that your mum and sister said about being allowed to think and say whatever they want means they can’t process and accept they’re incorrect.
I feel like this is a situation where you have little choice except to tell them the topic is closed. If it’s brought up again, you won’t be speaking to them anymore. So many people on Reddit love to go no contact over everything, but I can’t really see any other way. Tell them they aren’t invited because you don’t want them wandering your wedding telling everyone you’re in love with Ben. They are allowed to think and say whatever they want, but not at your wedding, if that doesn’t work for them, that’s simply too bad.
NTA – they’re allowed to talk about stuff they want just the same as you’re allowed to not want that talk around you ever again.
What would happen if you did invite them?
What would happen if you didn’t invite them?
Like where are they coming from by bringing it up all the time – nostalgia, the family “joke”, or intentional sabotage so they can say “we told you BFF was the only one for you”?? …… it’s an odd obsession.
As someone else said, they’re pressing you for the date/invite but yet keep saying you belong to your BFF. You’d think the wedding would shake them into reality. O_o
“Since you have actively chosen to never listen when I say Ben is a FUCKING FRIEND,and never respected that, you’re not invited to my wedding. It would be disrespectful to the man I actually choose to marry, and to myself. Hope it was worth choosing to be disrespectful and condescending for years. Dad will not walk me down the aisle and mom will not be there when I buy my dress. Pat your own backs”
Watch them realise their fuck up
Weddings are supposed to include the people who love and support the couple. That your fiancé is neutral? Seems like he’s tired of their shit too. Why would he want to listen to them continue to carp on about your best friend being ‘more’ at his own wedding? Like his family and friends need to hear that mess. NTA
Ok you dislike your family enough to exclude them from the most monumentous event in your life because there expectations of you getting with the best man didn’t happen, are they going to your husband you know she should’ve married Ben, will they make speeches about the fact, wheres bens significant other girl/guy, your stb doesn’t care isn’t that all that matters. Collect the couple hundred there going to offer and keep the peace by inviting them, there expecting an invite
NTA
Please note that they still aren’t apologising or taking back their hurtful words. They stand by their position even as they demand an invitation. If you invite them, they WILL bring it up. They’ll gossip to other guests. They may mention it in a speech. And Shay’s family will hear some of it. So will his friends. Regardless of if it’s true, they will look at you differently, and wonder.
Don’t risk it. Make it clear that their disgusting attitude has alienated you, and that if they want to be included in your life going forward, they need to prove themselves to be trustworthy of that involvement. That means over a prolonged period of time. And unfortunately, the wedding will happen long before they reach that time period.
NTA your family sounds insane and obsessed
NTA, and let’s be realistic.. you’d have to make sure none of your family were involved in speeches because you can be sure they would mention your best friend and this outcome being a surprise.
There are always going to be remarks from them and that’s just due to their lack of respect.
They may never understand this. However perhaps if they see Ben up there honoring you as you get married, maybe it’ll click? But yeah sounds like they’ll never get it. In that vein, I think you don’t wanna make enemies of them for the rest of your life by not inviting them. They are TA but I’d recommend inviting them to avoid creating a new lifelong issue.
Why not give them the choice? Tell them they can come but any talk about Ben being a better choice or not embracing Shay as their son in law to be is out of bounds.
Do you want a big wedding? Or a quiet intimate affair that you only invite the people who actually support you.
I think they will talk about you and Ben on the day and probably make a speech about it.
I think they will also bring it up constantly if they are not invited to the wedding.
That’s why I asked if you gave eloping a thought.
Also as others have said I would bring up them having a relationship with their bffs as gender doesn’t count when you’re in love, constantly and more every time Ben is mentioned.
NTA
You can’t reason with dense.
It could perhaps be an opportunity … Hear me out
Tell them this wedding is their opportunity to demonstrate their support for your marriage to Shay.
That their invitation and inclusion is solely with their understanding that this delusion about Ben, ends now. That if they attend, they will never speak of Ben and you in this fashion again. That they acknowledge that this hurts you and if they will not stop, you will stop including them in your life.
So their attendance is acceptance of these terms.
And there will be no more of this nonsense.
So if they show, I’d give them an opportunity. Some could surprise you. And if not, have security remove them and move forward with Shay and Ben, and them no longer occupying your space.
Updateme!
NTA
They’re allowed to talk about what they want to and about how they feel. But equally you’re allowed to not invite them to the wedding because you’re sick of hearing about it and don’t want it ruining your wedding day.
I wouldn’t invite them. Make it clear to them that you’re so tired of hearing it now and enough is enough. Tell them the wedding is just for starters. If they still don’t stop then you’ll also stop visiting. They’re doing it because they can.
My Dad was the same with constantly telling me I NEED to get married. One day I snapped and said if he didn’t stop saying it every time I visited, then I would stop visiting and he did. I know it’s still what he thinks, but I’m free from hearing it!
Family is free to “talk about stuff they want to”. OP is free to have whoever she wants at the wedding, and exclude anyone who she wants to exclude. But is sounds to me like the family is riddled with people who make up their mind about something and who lack the necessary ability to change one’s mind when one gets a preponderance of evidence indicating they are wrong.
I would say to talk them to stop this bullshit. But you already did. If your sisters are entitled to say what they want, you are entitled to not invite them to prevent them from saying what they want. You can not trust them, ça you ?
The only person who could change things is you BFF.ic he goes to kick your family figurative ass about that constant bullshit and the way they are pushing you away, maybe, just maybe, they can have a sudden epiphany.
But I don’t believe it. Your parents have a secret story of emotional infidelity that they project on you. If you ask them who the cheater, they will act surprised. ACT , not be surprised. At this state, what have you to lose ?
Folks, you had your chance, but you couldn’t shut your fucking mouths! I wanted you to be invited you all told me …. Fuck No!
This is what you wanted.
I don’t think you should invite them. They obviously don’t respect your relationship enough to drop this thing with Ben. They’ve had almost 30 years to learn or, at least, get used to people of the opposite gender being friends and nothing more. Their own little fantasy romance is more important to them than the reality of your life. Personally, I wouldn’t subject my fiance and future husband to that type of shit especially on their wedding day. Perhaps this is the wake up call they need to finally drop it and learn a new way of thinking.
NTA. I’m not surprised that you aren’t into your opposite sex BFF since you met each other so young. I’m sure there have been studies into it. If you met each other before the age of about 7, you will never be attracted to one another. You should see if you can find one of these studies.
NTA, for how you feel. Invite your family. Give them no roles. Not part of the wedding party, your father not walking you down the aisle, etc. Don’t even ask them when they are free. Do not have an open mike time. Make sure the DJ knows that no one is allowed to give speeches. Put them at their own table so if they want to talk about it they can only talk about it with each other. If you don’t invite them then everyone on your side of the family will be talking about the fact that your parents and siblings aren’t there and no one will be focused on your wedding. Either that or elope.
NTA – of course they have the right to talk about stuff. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t going to have to deal with the fallout of such regular, ridiculous comments. And if that fallout is that they don’t get invited to your wedding…well that’s on them 🤷🏻♀️