WIBTA if i dont tell my partner how i feel due to my past?
Hello redditors, obvious throwaway account here. So i M (23) grew up in a very religious household. I used to be gay and had several relationships with men when i was teenager (slept with them too). My parents found out about it and it did not went well. I had to go through conversion therapy in order not to be disowned. The experience was so traumatic that i didnt have relationships for years.
Cue a year ago, i met this beautiful and sweet lady (F23) and it made me want to dive back in relationship and try it out with her. We perfectly match with each other and i pretty sure shes my soulmate at this point. Wer madly in love with each other. The thing is, whenever we touched or hold hands or even cuddled, i would feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself that someone so sweet and innocent would want to be with someone like me that is tainted and impure so to speak. It got so bad at one point that after she left my place after our dates/hangout, i would cry for hours and cut my arms because i didnt feel like im worth her love/touches.
I contemplated on telling her how i feel, but im afraid this would strain our relationship and make her feel disgusted towards me. I just dont know what to do at this point. We live in a very religious country and this sort of thing is taboo. So i dont know how she will react. So WIBTA if i just suck it up and dont tell her? Im afraid it will get worse
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WIBTA if i dont tell my partner how i feel due to my past?
Hello redditors, obvious throwaway account here. So i M (23) grew up in a very religious household. I used to be gay and had several relationships with men when i was teenager (slept with them too). My parents found out about it and it did not went well. I had to go through conversion therapy in order not to be disowned. The experience was so traumatic that i didnt have relationships for years.
Cue a year ago, i met this beautiful and sweet lady (F23) and it made me want to dive back in relationship and try it out with her. We perfectly match with each other and i pretty sure shes my soulmate at this point. Wer madly in love with each other. The thing is, whenever we touched or hold hands or even cuddled, i would feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself that someone so sweet and innocent would want to be with someone like me that is tainted and impure so to speak. It got so bad at one point that after she left my place after our dates/hangout, i would cry for hours and cut my arms because i didnt feel like im worth her love/touches.
I contemplated on telling her how i feel, but im afraid this would strain our relationship and make her feel disgusted towards me. I just dont know what to do at this point. We live in a very religious country and this sort of thing is taboo. So i dont know how she will react. So WIBTA if i just suck it up and dont tell her? Im afraid it will get worse
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I belief i might be the asshole due to my selfish beliefs that i cant share my woes with her and i cant let her go because of my fears
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Hmm… Tbh man, it sounds like ur already in a pretty thorny sitch. I kinda get y you’d want 2 keep ur feelings hush hush cuz they might come off as a bit too much, but honestly? It’s better out than in imo
I feel like making a judgement here is beyond Reddit’s pay grade, but I can say YTA to yourself. Your self-loathing will eventually destroy this relationship that you don’t think you’re worthy of, because of society’s homophobia. It’s less about telling her (though if she is homophobic/biphobic, you should not be together) and more about your own self-esteem, I really think you should find a queer-friendly therapist, possibly an online one if there aren’t any in your area. There is nothing “impure” about a man who has been with men before getting with a woman.
And this is with me assuming you’re bi. If you’re actually gay, this relationship is you lying to yourself (comphet) – because you’ve been traumatized into it.
You think she’s your soulmate though? Possibly a woman you could marry? In that case, be honest with her. Not just about how you used to date men but with your feelings surrounding it. It’s important for serious partners to be honest with each other.
You won’t BTA if you don’t tell her, but I think that you should tell her. Not necessarily because she needs to know, but because I think ‘you’ need to get it off your chest. You’ve found a perfect person (potential soul mate), so you shouldn’t feel this crippling guilt (which you never should have had to feel). I’d say talk to her and if she’s the right one for you she will help you heal and get through what you’re feeling.
This is a hard one OP, but personally I would say NTA, the reason being that you’re in an extremely religious country, and I take it that most people (even the ones we love) will end up seeing you in a different way once they know that you did such acts (especially related to homosexuality).
Also OP, I wonder what happened, did you go to conversion therapy and now you feel you are straight? If you truly are gay (and not bisexual), then OP you should rethink things over, as it seems you may be gay but you’re scared of being due to what happened to you.
Regardless OP, I personally would not tell about your past (unless you really are sure or know their views). And OP, I will say this, you are not ‘tainted’ or ‘impure’ at all, you have a right to feel how you want to feel and no one should be oppressing you if you are gay. You deserve your human rights too OP.
info: what do you mean you used to be gay? that’s not really how it works, i’m sorry
Nta. I’m religious and LGBTAQ, too. There needs to be serious change among the religious community’s attitudes and treatment of us.
You are not wrong. You are not messed up. You are worth loving.
Oof, this is way too heavy for AITA.
This is not an issue of assholery. It’s an issue of trauma and it would be best dealt with by a professional.
FWIW, I think it’s terrible that your family would put you through conversion therapy. It’s abuse, plain and simple, and you should not have had to suffer it. It makes me sad to read that you feel shame and disgust at yourself for enjoying simple intimacies with someone you care for. I hope you’re able to take away from this that you deserve love, whether it’s with her or with someone else.
I’m so sorry that you carry so much undeserved pain. There is nothing wrong with you. Before talking bout this to your gf, is it possible for you so see a therapist? At the very least, I hope you are cutting as safely as you can and treating your wounds appropriately. I also hope you are making sure that whatever you use to cut is clean. If you are “checking out” while you cut, you are at risk of causing significant harm to yourself while you’re not mentally present. You can find a way or ways to manage, process, and relieve your pain and/or numbing. A therapist can help with thar.
Has to be fake
My dude. If the conversion ‘worked’, you would in fact be joyful that a woman is touching you and feel no guilt or disgust because youd ‘know’ you were ‘fixed’.
You feel guilt and disgust with yourself because you KNOW youre lying to her. You can’t convert being gay. It’s just the way you were made. You need to face the reality, as hard as it is, or you will hurt her and yourself ten times worse later down the line.
NAH. You have been terribly abused. Don’t pass that on to her.
YTA if you don’t tell her. How long do you want to keep this a secret? Assuming you want to stay together long term it’s bound to come out at some stage if you don’t. If she can’t accept you as you are with the history you’ve had she probably isn’t your soulmate.
YTA. To yourself.
“I used to ve gay” – that is NOT how this works.
Bisexuality is a thing. So pull up your big boy panties, stop believing bull crap and stop deceiving your partner.
Nobody deserves these lies.
/edit:
ESPECIALLY come to terms with yourself. “Tainted” my ass, I’m furious on your behalf. You should be too.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your past.
Can’t say the same about those who told you this crap
NAH. Absolutely not. Whether you tell her is totally up to.
[Personally, I wouldn’t recommend it. I think most people would disagree with that because we’re discouraged from “bottling things up” lest the bottle overflows at some point. I think it’s way more complicated than that and you’re better off considering the real-life consequences of sharing and how that will affect the other person.
It sounds like you want to ease your own burden, which is normal. But that also involves asking someone else to carry the other half. Really, only you have enough information to make that call.
And as an outsider, of course I’m giving cautious advice. In reality, her reaction would depend on her and a million other things].
Tell her the truth. Now. I can promise you if commit to each other and you tell her years from now, she’ll never trust you completely again. Some people will end relationships over the secret more than the fact of the sexual past. Seek therapy for yourself either way, your self loathing needs to be addressed too.