So it’s a bit more convoluted than the title, but I (30m) didn’t want to make it too long. My friend, Sam (30m) and his fiancée Dee (28f) have decided to get married at a local courthouse after a brief engagement.
Initially, Sam invited me and two other of our childhood friends with our partners, but then were told a couple weeks later that it was going to be family only. My fiancee Nancy(29f) was upset but understood.
Yesterday, Sam text our boys only group chat (him, I, and the 2 other guys initially invited) that we are once again in, but no +1s. The +1s would be welcome to join the post elopement dinner and festivities, just not the actual ceremony.
Nancy is PISSED. So much so to the point where she doesn’t want to invite Dee to our planned elopement next year as a sort of get-back. She’s so angry at being excluded that she’s saying that they aren’t her friends, apparently just mine.
While I understand that this stings, I guess I just don’t put that emphasis on being there. Nancy has thrown around words like classless, tactless, rude, unkind, offensive, and a litany of other things. I privately text another one of the guy’s invited to gauge how his girlfriend is taking it, and she just said “well that’s weird but whatever”.
Now I’m getting passive messages from Nancy saying “ congratulations for the invite, happy for you that you get to go” and I feel like it just really isn’t worth this level of response. I’ve had to talk her down from texting Sam telling him how offended she is.
To me, this isn’t a decision that Sam and Dee made easily and is coming from a ton of compromises. It’s only 3 of his boys, his parents, 3 of Dee’s girls, and her parents. He’s got a large middle eastern family so that’s not an easy decision to make.
The amount of anger I’m seeing from this is at the point where it’s taken any fun out of going to celebrate a friend of over 20 years on his big day. Truly to me if it was the roles were reversed I’d shrug and say “see you at the restaurant!”
WIBTA if I did end up going?
*** bit of an update***
Talked to Nancy after some time to cooldown. She said she didn’t mean for her comments to me to come off as passive and didn’t mean for me to get caught in the crossfire. She is hurt by the way they went about un-inviting her. She had no intention to keep me from going to celebrate my friend, but it has changed the way she has viewed them.
I love my fiancée and don’t see this as a relationship shaking moment as some of you make it seem. We are strong, and I am incredibly lucky to have her by my side. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t making the wrong decision.
Also I am aware it is not an elopement now, I was just using the term as it was framed to me!
Comments
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So it’s a bit more convoluted than the title, but I (30m) didn’t want to make it too long. My friend, Sam (30m) and his fiancée Dee (28f) have decided to get married at a local courthouse after a brief engagement.
Initially, Sam invited me and two other of our childhood friends with our partners, but then were told a couple weeks later that it was going to be family only. My fiancee Nancy(29f) was upset but understood.
Yesterday, Sam text our boys only group chat (him, I, and the 2 other guys initially invited) that we are once again in, but no +1s. The +1s would be welcome to join the post elopement dinner and festivities, just not the actual ceremony.
Nancy is PISSED. So much so to the point where she doesn’t want to invite Dee to our planned elopement next year as a sort of get-back. She’s so angry at being excluded that she’s saying that they aren’t her friends, apparently just mine.
While I understand that this stings, I guess I just don’t put that emphasis on being there. Nancy has thrown around words like classless, tactless, rude, unkind, offensive, and a litany of other things. I privately text another one of the guy’s invited to gauge how his girlfriend is taking it, and she just said “well that’s weird but whatever”.
Now I’m getting passive messages from Nancy saying “ congratulations for the invite, happy for you that you get to go” and I feel like it just really isn’t worth this level of response. I’ve had to talk her down from texting Sam telling him how offended she is.
To me, this isn’t a decision that Sam and Dee made easily and is coming from a ton of compromises. It’s only 3 of his boys, his parents, 3 of Dee’s girls, and her parents. He’s got a large middle eastern family so that’s not an easy decision to make.
The amount of anger I’m seeing from this is at the point where it’s taken any fun out of going to celebrate a friend of over 20 years on his big day. Truly to me if it was the roles were reversed I’d shrug and say “see you at the restaurant!”
WIBTA if I did end up going?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got re-invited to a childhood friend’s elopement after being told that it would be family only. This time however my fiancée is not invited to the elopement, but is invited to the celebration. My fiancée’s beside herself, but I want to go celebrate one of my longest tenured friends.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. While this couple was rude for canceling invites, Nancy needs to grow up.
This is a courthouse wedding where it is not normal to have more than a couple of witnesses present. This is not something where a plus one would even be appropriate. They are inviting others to the dinner afterwards. I don’t get why Nancy is upset at all.
Very concerned about your fiancées response. It’s no big deal. I’m 64 female and I would say see you at the dinner. Wow. Just wow. Don’t go without telling her. But go.
I mean, I’d be offended too if an invite to something like this was retracted and the terms of the invite kept changing. Personally, I think your best bet is to not go and celebrate at the post elopement dinner or some other time entirely.
It’s pretty rude of the couple to keep changing the terms. They should have figured it out before sending invites in the first place.
Edit: and I am a petty person, not much would talk me out of telling someone how offended I would be if I was in your fiancée’s shoes
YWNBTA
And you should go. Nancy is being incredibly bizarre. This is your childhood friend, no? I fail to understand why Nancy is offended to begin with, nor do I find anything offensive about what Sam and Dee decided. It’s a tiny wedding, they both have more friends at 3 people than family there.
Nancy is being incredibly selfish and self-absorbed and seriously needs to chill out. I would tread carefully because this is not a significant character flaw she is demonstrating that could seriously impact your friendships once you are married.
NTA but I don’t think your fiancee is, either. If they would have just invited you to start with, that would be one thing, but it is super rude and hurtful to uninvite people. It shows very poor planning on their part, at the very least.
>To me, this isn’t a decision that Sam and Dee made easily and is coming from a ton of compromises.
Fair enough, but they should have at least reached out to your fiancee and the other +1s directly to apologize, explain it wasn’t personal, and confirm that they very much wanted them at the dinner and celebration after. But instead, they just texted you and the other childhood friends to re-invite you without your SOs. Not cool. You expect behavior like this from 20yos, but at 30, they should know better.
If you don’t want this to turn into more of a situation between you and your fiancee, I think you should not go to the ceremony and just go to the dinner and celebration after with her.
Nta Nancy is a huge red flag. She’s making their intimate day about her and using yours to get petty revenge.
NTA Your girlfriend sounds immature and petty. Good luck with that. You have the right perspective about all of this.
NTA. Yes, it sucks not being invited but it’s not like Nancy is being excluded on purpose. The whole thing stinks of her feeling entitled to going to the ceremony when most other guests won’t be able to go.
Also did you also decide to do a small ceremony or is she saying she won’t invite Dee only? Because that’s just petty and would be the actual A thing to do
For me, Nancy needs to chill the f out. (I’m assuming she doesn’t have her own close personal connection with Sam and/or Dee that goes back 20 years, but only knows them since she has been with you.) No other SO’s were invited, so it’s not as though she’s being singled out for worse treatment. I’m firmly on team “that’s weird but whatever”/”shrug and say ‘see you at the restaurant.’” NTA
nta nancy is being immature. shes still invited to the post eloppement celebrations
INFO: Is your gf close with the married couple? Also can we have a timeline of events like 1st invite was x month from the wedding, the don’t come was x week from the wedding etc….
Because honestly, if you are telling me that this happened in the span of like a month or two before the elopement…I could understand why you gf is pissed. I’m sure she bought a dress for the event, booked a hair appointements, nails… I would be pissed if I had paid for these things/or made appointments that I had to cancel and rebook. However if you tell me that that the elopement is 6 + months away… I think her reaction is a bit overboard. Like I understand being pissed but not to this extent.
Also, I wonder how this info was communicated to your gf. Did you give her context or the motivation behind the decisions… maybe it would have helped her process the info better. Did your friend told you about the motivation/context behind those changes?
However, from the info I have now…NTA. She has the right to be mad but its more about the situation than anything else. I would go if I were you, but maybe tell your friend to apologize for the flip flopping.
edit: grammar
This isn’t eloping this is having a very small ceremony. This is a matter of you deciding what’s more important, your SO or being at the wedding. You will be the only one who has to live and Deal with this choice.
Your fiancee is being ridiculous. She’s perceiving an offense where none was intended. While issuing, retracting and changing an invitation is not ideal, it’s been explained to you and you understand it. Your fiancee is not being singled out; the plus ones of the other guys have been excluded as well. Frankly, the dinner will be the fun part. Does she often overreact to things like this?
INFO: how does Nancy usually respond to situations she doesn’t agree to or when they don’t go her way? Is this a typical reaction?
NTA. Its at a courthouse, is Nancy under the impression that the ceremony will be a grand party? The ceremony takes five minutes and it’ll probably be held in a room with bad carpet, fluorescent light and couples lined up behind them lol. There may also be size limitations of the room or what the court will allow. I agree that it is poor taste for the couple to extend an invite and walk it back, but most adults would be like “oh yeah its a courthouse thing, I could see how they don’t want a crowd there. But I’m glad I’m still invited to the part where we can actually celebrate with the couple and friends”
Honestly, if Sam wanted a small ceremony, it’s his call! Just imagine Nancy crashing the wedding like a sitcom character awkwardness level 100! Go celebrate your friend; just don’t forget to bring Nancy some cake from the dinner to soften the blow.
INFO: What do you and your friends think an ‘elopement’ is?
NTA – Courthouses have limits on attendees. The fact that your fiancee can’t handle this is her problem. She is still being invited to all of the celebrations. Go support your friend.
ESH. They shouldn’t have invited, then uninvited, then re- invited only you. It’s horribly rude.
Nancy is over the top in her anger—of course they are YOUR friends, but she IS right to be pissed at how they did this. If you go it will probably be the end of your relationship. They have shown her great disrespect, and how YOU respond is telling her how you feel about her.
I will never understand “planned” elopements and inviting people to them. It’s only an elopement if the couple runs off on their own to do it, with maybe one or two witnesses. Planning months ahead of time and inviting guests simply means you are having a small/micro wedding.
Nancy is shocked that the world doesn’t revolve around here.
But her response does validate the stereotype that women are vindictive creatures.
Men have known that forever but it’s always nice to see confirmation.
YWNBTA, but your fiancée isn’t either for her reaction. You were initially invited as a couple, then uninvited, then you were re-invited without her.
“She’s so angry at being excluded that she’s saying that they aren’t her friends, apparently just mine.” – well, yeah.
NTA. As a woman (only a bit older than y’all) she’s within her rights to be upset about it but her reaction is WAY too much. That’s a lifelong friend, you should absolutely go. DO NOT go without telling your fiancee, but you should go. Sit down and have a talk with her. Hopefully this all works out for you!
Your friends are being really rude and disrespectful. To uninvite people is gross. I understand your fiancé being hurt and I would hesitate to go. If they had just said it was super small from the start it would be more manageable in the feelings department. To uninvite is incredibly rude.
I’d rethink Nancy.
I’m sorry; I can’t get past “planned elopement” with a guest list, plus-ones, dinners and festivities. This is a small wedding and reception.
NTA why is Nancy making this all about her? They can only invite a small group and you are their closer friend. Nancy needs to get over herself.
While it was a faux pas to invite then uninvite. Be that as it may, Nancy’s response makes her classless. Tough choice here, for me, it would depend on whether or not she holds grudges. Tread lightly. NTA
What a temper tantrum your toddler is having! I’d put her in time out. I hope you go and enjoy your friends wedding. Don’t let her ruin this for you. Be careful of her throwing her negativity towards other things that she may not agree with.
Updateme please.
NTA. Nancy is very immature. She is not entitled to an invitation no one is. You may want to rethink marrying her if she is already planning revenge against Dee and Sam. Watch your back
Nta. Your friends didnt single you guys out. Whether it’s rude or low classy is subjective. Them being « rude » about this one thing once isn’t really a big deal because they aren’t doing it at you. Your fiancée should calm down and go with the flow
Nta but might wanna rethink your own
NTA
Nancy is being silly.
Don’t be like Nancy
You’re not entitled to other people’s weddings, receptions or honeymoons.
If this were a real elopement, none of this would be happening.
But anyway. Nancy is acting like a childish and spiteful A H. Are you sure you want to marry that? I wouldn’t. But that’s for you to work out, before your own *shudder* elopement next year.
YWNBTA if you attend alone. If fact, I recommend you leave Nancy at home for the party segment, as well.
Eh. I think your friends are unintentionally the AH for changing plans and rescinding the invite, especially since the bride didnt speak to your fiance directly, and asked your guy group to disseminate the change of plans to their now uninvited plus ones. The bride should have reached out to the girls individually and apologized for the plan changing. Especially since you said the bride is friendly with your fiance and they’ve even hung out in the past. The ladies may have already bought something to wear, put in for the day off of work, etc., and deserve a quick call from the bride.
I get that there’s usually a limited number of people allowed for a courthouse wedding – 10-15 typically, but its kind of tacky to not invite +1s, and its even more tacky to uninvite them. If there’s already a dinner planned for later, your friend should just make the ceremony family only, and meet the friends and their +1s later at the dinner.
It is not elopement, it is a small wedding. NTA regardless.
I’m worried about Nancy. Is she having a mental health crisis or something?
ESH
Nancy shouldn’t be badgering you about it, but your friends were rude to invite and then uninivite her.
ESH.
Nancy may be over-reacting but at the same time, it’s pretty rude for your friends to invite people to a private elopement – which might make it seem much more personal that a large venue wedding – only to retract that invitation, thus making the sting of being uninvited more potent. Going from ‘let’s have good friends and a +1’ to ‘let’s only have a few people’ likely makes Nancy feel that any friendship she has with them is suddenly not good enough, if they don’t want her there.
In addition, I feel like Sam and Dee using you as the messenger instead of telling Nancy herself is in bad taste. She was allowed to come and then she’s suddenly not? I get you said that Dee and Nancy aren’t THAT close, and obviously, they’re not OBLIGATED to tell her. But being invited to a big event, only to be uninvited hurts, full stop, especially when you have to find out you’re uninvited via your SO, not the actual people who invited you to start with.
And while I get that he’s your long-term friend, Sam more or less did a take-backsies. I’m not saying that’s not their right – it’s their wedding and they’ll have it how they want – but I would find that somewhat offputting from someone I expect to be my friend, who knows I have an SO who wants to go.
The entire situation sucks and I don’t feel like anyone here is totally blameless. Nancy is definitely overacting, I’m not saying Sam and Dee are intentionally being rude, nor would you personally be an asshole for going to the wedding. It’s just an unfortunate circumstance that doesn’t seem to have been handled as it should’ve been, in my opinion.
Good ending. Now support her on no invite for Dee to your wedding.
NTA. Your fiancée might not like the path this took, but it’s possible there are some very good reasons.
In all fairness, it must suck for her to find out she doesn’t make the bride’s top three, but isn’t that for her to work out with the bride? You can still be there to support your friend.
How well does she know the couple? Because if she’s throwing this big of a fit about people she barely knows, take heed of those red flags. NTA if you go without her.
Yes, they’re AHs for rescinding an invite after it was issued. But I know how complicated that can get when you start really crunching the numbers and sticker shock meets the reality of their budget.
NTA at least you now know how Nancy will respond when she doesn’t get her way.