Some background info:
I (32f) have endometriosis. Among the most effective treatments is excision surgery and sometimes a hysterectomy.
A year ago, my dad passed from cancer. He fought a very brutal battle for a year before that. My mom was his main caretaker, as he only entered hospice a few days before he passed. I was not heavily involved in his care for most of that time, because I live a few hours away and my dad really didn’t want me there for his bad moments. I think he wanted to spare me as much pain as he could, and only wanted to see me when he was able to put on a brave face for me. My mom has a lot of trauma related to that caretaker role and being the primary witness to my dad’s suffering.
Now on to the main question:
I have had 3 surgeries for my endo so far, including having one ovary removed. My symptoms were tolerable until last year, when I started having 13 day periods and pain so bad that some days I could barely walk. I’ve started seeing a specialist and at some point I will probably have another excision surgery and a hysterectomy.
If there were no other factors, I would do it now, but my mom still struggles with anything medical/caretaker related. Right now she’s in a bad place because my aunt (her sister) just had surgery for her cancer. I can also see the toll it’s taking on her, so my current management for my endo has been based on just managing my symptoms to buy my mom more time to recover before I have surgery.
To help suppress my symptoms, my doctor has me on a much more intense birth control dose to try to stop my period. The full dose gave me really bad side effects, so I tried a half dose, but after a few months, that stopped working. I’m attempting to tolerate the side effects of the full dose. The doctor has told me to give it 3 months to see if they go away. I am currently having regular headaches, constant exhaustion, and mild depression, plus some remaining endo pain.
If these side effects don’t go away, I may need to go the surgery route before my mom is ready. If it comes to that, I’ve been thinking about just having the surgery in secret. I know my mom, she would force herself to be there and take care of me. I have a friend who could stay with me while I recovered (she works from home), and my SIL is an NP who could be the one at the hospital who I could give permission to make any medical decisions if something came up during surgery. This should be a low-risk laparoscopic surgery, so I think I could get away with this. But also, I can’t imagine how my mom would feel if something went wrong, or even if it all went fine but she found out later that I’d hidden it.
Tl;dr: I may need a relatively low-risk outpatient surgery in the near future. My mom has severe trauma surrounding hospitals and being a caretaker for my dad while he was dying last year. WIBTA if I had the surgery without telling her, so she wouldn’t force herself to try and be there for me?
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Some background info:
I (32f) have endometriosis. Among the most effective treatments is excision surgery and sometimes a hysterectomy.
A year ago, my dad passed from cancer. He fought a very brutal battle for a year before that. My mom was his main caretaker, as he only entered hospice a few days before he passed. I was not heavily involved in his care for most of that time, because I live a few hours away and my dad really didn’t want me there for his bad moments. I think he wanted to spare me as much pain as he could, and only wanted to see me when he was able to put on a brave face for me. My mom has a lot of trauma related to that caretaker role and being the primary witness to my dad’s suffering.
Now on to the main question:
I have had 3 surgeries for my endo so far, including having one ovary removed. My symptoms were tolerable until last year, when I started having 13 day periods and pain so bad that some days I could barely walk. I’ve started seeing a specialist and at some point I will probably have another excision surgery and a hysterectomy.
If there were no other factors, I would do it now, but my mom still struggles with anything medical/caretaker related. Right now she’s in a bad place because my aunt (her sister) just had surgery for her cancer. I can also see the toll it’s taking on her, so my current management for my endo has been based on just managing my symptoms to buy my mom more time to recover before I have surgery.
To help suppress my symptoms, my doctor has me on a much more intense birth control dose to try to stop my period. The full dose gave me really bad side effects, so I tried a half dose, but after a few months, that stopped working. I’m attempting to tolerate the side effects of the full dose. The doctor has told me to give it 3 months to see if they go away. I am currently having regular headaches, constant exhaustion, and mild depression, plus some remaining endo pain.
If these side effects don’t go away, I may need to go the surgery route before my mom is ready. If it comes to that, I’ve been thinking about just having the surgery in secret. I know my mom, she would force herself to be there and take care of me. I have a friend who could stay with me while I recovered (she works from home), and my SIL is an NP who could be the one at the hospital who I could give permission to make any medical decisions if something came up during surgery. This should be a low-risk laparoscopic surgery, so I think I could get away with this. But also, I can’t imagine how my mom would feel if something went wrong, or even if it all went fine but she found out later that I’d hidden it.
Tl;dr: I may need a relatively low-risk outpatient surgery in the near future. My mom has severe trauma surrounding hospitals and being a caretaker for my dad while he was dying last year. WIBTA if I had the surgery without telling her, so she wouldn’t force herself to try and be there for me?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH because if I hid this from my mom and something went wrong, that would be horrible for her and would likely traumatize her even more. And if it went well and she still found out, I’m sure she would be very hurt that I hid it from her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I would tell her and make it clear that you have already figured out post-op care. You’re just letting her know because she’s your mom
NTA. You’re an adult so it’s your decision. I would caution you to make sure someone is there to help you afterward though. Also, it would be nice to call her in the following days and let her know and that you’re doing well. Just like she’s stressed about caregiving, she may also have some strong feelings about not knowing and not being there. Unless you plan on keeping it a complete secret I guess.
As admirable as your intentions are, YTA for putting off the surgery. Fellow person with Endo here AND a mom – stop putting yourself through misery to spare your mom’s feelings. I would NEVER want my child to delay surgery out of some misplaced idea about making me feel better.
You have a support system. Get the surgery as soon as you can. Let your mom know, tell her it’s all good you’ve got support, and leave it at that. If she insists on taking care of you, well you’re a grown woman. Tell her no.
Honestly OP, and I day this with all the love, it’s really stupid to make yourself more sick for frankly no good reason. Take care of yourself. Your mom is also a grown woman and can figure out some therapy to help herself move past her experience.
Good luck with the surgery, I really hope you feel better!!
I would make sure all of your plans are in place and then tell her, just to let her know and that you’ve already figured out what help you’ll need right after.
But you want to let her know.
I’m sure your mum knows what issue you’ve had in the past. And as a mother and knowing my own mother. I would be so disappointed and sad if something that would have major impact on your future, was left out.
Your mom would probably feel guilty too if you were to go through so much pain for a longer time, just for her sake.
NTA. You’re trying to spare your mother further trauma. But also, you’re smart in trying to avoid dealing with her trauma at the same time that you will be dealing with your own recovery. As long as you’re prepared for her being hurt that you didn’t tell her, you’re good.
NTA You are trying to be thoughtful but I think you should tell her that and do your operation .
I had a hysterectomy in 2023- different reasons, I had intense fibroids and it was making life impossible to live bleeding as much as I was and my family was super unsupportive they were dead against me doing it and like recovery was hard! But survivable even doing it fully on my own living in a 3 story townhouse with a third floor bedroom. And fr it was so worth it!! I wish I did it sooner truly like no matter how hard recovery was my life is immeasurably better without that pesky uterus causing drama for me! Best of luck!!
Ehhh I know you’re trying to protect her. Do you talk to her regularly? Will you have to lie about it? Or evade her at all? My family always gets weird and secretive when they’re hiding things and its frustrating. SO my vote is always honesty and transparency. Especially if you have already set everything in place as far as others to help care for you. I think she will understand. Good luck with everything ❤️
NTA Given your situation I think it’s best to keep her uninformed. You have every right to decide what is best for your health. It sounds like having her around would only add to your stress – which could impact your recovery. Hang in there!
Nta but don’t keep it secret forever. Tell her when you have everything in place. She can bring you a snack when you’re back home and sit and watch tv with you (if you want that) but you have other people who will handle the hospital part.
NAH. I think it is very valiant that you were trying to spare your mother further trauma and are willing to sacrifice your own comfort to do this, but please consider that by putting this off you are prolonging your own suffering. I am sure if she knew, your mother wouldn’t want you to do that for her sake, especially as her trauma as you have described it originates from her being helpless while her loved ones suffered.
INFO: did she know about the other 3 surgeries? What makes this particular one different than the other 3 procedures in terms of telling or not telling her?
YWBTA
Keeping this from her to spare her feelings is well-intentioned manipulation, but manipulation nonetheless.
Have you thought that caring for you after your surgery could be quite healing for her?
Laparascopic surgery recovery is pretty low maintenance, certainly compared to caring for a terminal cancer patient. Your mom may very well have a positive experience caring for you through your undoubtedly positive recovery. You will be coming back to health, not fighting a terminal illness. Helping you through this could help heal some of her trauma.
I had laparoscopic surgery last year that involved removing several things and repairing a prolapse, so likely pretty similar to the recovery process you’ll go through because of all the internal stitches and cutting. I needed help walking to/from the bathroom for the first 48 hours or so, but could use the bathroom by myself. For several days I needed help standing up or laying down so I didn’t utilize my abdominal muscles to do so. Beyond that my husband just had to play errand boy… fetching water, food, whatever I needed to limit having to get up. It was mostly vacation for him tbh.
Your mom is a big girl. Technically is it within your legal right to withhold your own medical information? Of course. Ethically? YWBTA to take away your mother’s autonomy.
Don’t neglect your health because your mother needs to go to therapy to cope with her experiences. That is completely irrational.
NAH but i would tell her that you need her as a MOM, not as a caretaker!
Please dont wait. I had severe endometriosis for nearly 10 years. I just thought it was my lot in life to have horrible pain wracking periods, I also couldn’t find a doctor to take me seriously. It got to the point where I was bleeding so heavily I couldn’t leave my home and the pain was so intense I used to throw up and pass out. When I finally saw a doctor who did believe me, she was so concerned she sent me straight to hospital from her consulting room, and I had a full hysterectomy 10 days later. There was so much damage to my bladder and bowels, the surgery took 7 hours and three surgeons to repair it all as wellvas the hysterectomy. I also had a melon sized cyst and 5 litres of liquid had to be drained off, both related to the endo. The relief when it was all taken out made me cry. A lot
Dont be like me, the pain and scarring will only get worse. Get it done so you can live your life
YWBTA. Tell her about the surgery and that you have a friend to help you out.
NTA get the surgery if it will help you, you do not want to put it off to spare your mom’s feelings right now. I think she’d be more upset to learn that you hid it from her than that you had surgery in general.
I had a laparoscopic hysterectomy for a different issue a few years ago, and fortunately for me it was a pretty easy and quick recovery. I was mostly just tired and a little sore. If your friend can help you out for a few days you should be fine.
Consider a recovery home for yourself. Well worth it.
Ring up your SIL and do the surgery asap.
Get it done, get better, and once it’s over you will be far more use to your mother.
Don’t fight YOUR battle AND her battle at the same time.
Solve the one you CAN solve (your own) and then work on the other.
Remember to put your own mask on first, then assist your seatmate. Fly safe.
It is not your job to protect your mom from her feelings. You need to make your medical decisions based on your medical needs – do not delay treatments based on your perception of your mom’s trauma. That is deeply unfair to both of you.
I also think you should tell her if/when you have surgery. Make it clear that you have care and support, arrange for your friend and SIL to do that, and let her come by if she wants to say hi when you’re ready.
NAH, but just take care of yourself already, OP!
I am so sorry—I’ve been where your mom is, so believe me, I hear you!
First, you need this surgery badly. You’ve been great to try to wait, but your mom’s trauma isn’t going to abate. (My own mother’s death was a nightmare, and I spent most of my career working in hospitals.)
Second, you have a good support setup arranged for after the surgery, so I’d urge you to go ahead and get it done without telling your mom in advance. Normally, I wouldn’t urge the short-term secrecy, but I think this is a special case. Post-op, when you do tell your mom, you can just downplay it. Sure, she will be upset for a bit, but when you explain all you’ve done to set this up well, and that she’s had way too much to deal with, I believe she’ll understand and be quietly appreciative. Good luck!
If your abdominal pain is due to uterine cramping rather than endometrial tissue or adhesions on the other organs, a presacral neurectomy may be an option. I had it done as a day procedure by endoscopy at the Yale teaching hospital a few decades ago. The sensory nerves to the uterus are surgically severed so that you can no longer feel the pain signals. It does not impact motor function (you could still have contractions to give birth if pregnant, but would not need an epidural) or the ability to feel in the rest of the lower part of the reproductive system.
It has a remarkable impact on my quality of life. The pain was gone. I did still have issues with intense nausea with my cycles, but that has been under control with a Mirena IUD.
NTA for not telling your mom. You have alternate support and don’t need her to take care of you.
But seriously, stop delaying getting the surgery.
NTA, but please do not include your mother’s feelings in what you consider when making medical decisions. I understand that she’s had a rough time, but you need to do what’s best for your health and not suffer unnecessarily. Do encourage your mother to explore therapy to help her work through her trauma. It really can help a lot.
Personally, I would tell my mother I’m having surgery, but also firmly tell her I have already made arrangements for my care after surgery and do not need her assistance.
YWBTA if you hid it from her.
Also, fwiw a hysterectomy might not help if you don’t also have adenomyosis. I was shocked when my Dr told me that cause I had always been told that a hysterectomy would be the “cure” for it.