**Minor Update: I decided to first try and have another conversation with my mom where I reject the money. I’m anticipating that will go as well as it had before and she won’t believe my threats to shut her out of the wedding, so I’m going to ask the venue if we can only accept specific vendors. If they’re unable to do that, I’ll tell her any cake she brings will be taken out by my fiancés family and hope the shame of that will be enough to deter here. I’m going to try out the other solutions suggested because I don’t want to resort to deceit. I’m also going to touch some grass and talk to IRL friends and family.
So to give context: I’m getting married in August. I’m really worried about the heat making the wedding cake a melting mess, and I also have zero desire to have the traditional 3 tiered cake. I want to do a small cutting cake with sheet cakes. This way, the cutting cake can also be the flavor I originally wanted (flavor I wanted is niche and would be unpopular with guests) and we can easily store these cakes before the wedding.
I don’t plan on hiding this because I’m afraid to bring the topic up. My mom knows about this desire. I’ve expressed it to her in multiple ways that I don’t want a traditional wedding cake. She still is insisting that this is the most important part of the wedding and will not let up. My mom fundamentally doesn’t respect me or my fiancé and also thinks we don’t know how to throw a wedding. If I say “no 3 tiered cake”, she will just throw a tantrum and buy one on her own despite my wishes.
I originally was going to just go along with what she wanted, but realized that this change, among many other changes, have been shifting my wedding towards the sterile, traditional ceremony that my parents’ wanted. I want to do what I want to do, but she’s still giving me the money for the 3 layered cake.
My idea is to accept the money so she thinks we’re doing the 3 layered cake instead of ordering her own, keeping the money to send back to her, and then sending every cent of the money to her after the wedding. I feel like this is the only way to ensure what I want, but it feels like a jerk move and a lot of deception. WIBTA?
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nah do it: just have a plan for the inevitable scene she will pull at the wedding. I’d recommend having your MOH or wedding planner make up a fake emergency only she can help with during the cake part
NTA. Your wedding, you get to make all the decisions regarding the ceremony. Make sure you put passwords on all the vendors so she can’t call and get information. You are absolutely correct to send the money back, and avoiding confrontation by accepting and then sending it back after the ceremony.
There is going to be a big blow up, and you should be prepared to handle her going off the handle at the cake cutting ceremony, so you might want to figure out how to soften the blow ahead of time.
NTA. Your wedding, not hers 😂
The jerk move is your mom insisting you have the wedding SHE wants you to have as opposed to the wedding you and your fiance want. Did your parents not get to have the wedding they wanted or something?
Here is an article for you to read. It is on a different subject but is related and you can use much of it with your mother in principle and also with some exact phrasing from it.
My turn, please
https://www.baby-chick.com/dear-mother-in-law-its-my-baby-and-my-turn-to-be-the-parent/
One of the best ways to get someone to see your point of view is to ask them questions instead of making statements they can object to or argue with you about. Questions like, whose wedding is this? Why is it so important to you that it looks a certain way? Why does my wedding have to be up to what you want? Who decides what is proper, why can’t it be what I want? You see by asking questions you can lead your mother to where you are, wanting to have the wedding you want, instead of what she wants.
As a last resort, tell your mother if she doesn’t start listening to what you want, you will elope and she will be completely left out. You are an adult and your mother has no authority over you so if she isn’t careful, she will be the one that is left out. If she can’t respect you and your wishes, she will be left out. The consequences for her pushing you will be that she is left out. What can she do? If you don’t call her, if you don’t share with her, what can she do?
Good luck!
NTAH: Sometimes it’s best to not fight the tiger mom & just work a solution around her.
NTA but please start thinking of ways to navigate boundaries with your mom so you don’t have to do this for any more major life events
Do what you want!
Sheet cake is delicious. I have noticed a trend where bakers use extravagant methods to build tier-ed cakes (like with fondant) that will stay in place or can have elaborate decorations, and they taste like cardboard. At a recent shower I went to, the $400 custom-ordered cake tasted terrible. Nobody finished their slice or wanted any leftovers. They should have ordered a $50 grocery store sheet cake.
Try to find a baker to make one real cake layer and two fake cake shapes covered in frosting to achieve the three tier look. Usually, the couple makes one cut in front of guests, which would be the real layer, then the cake is taken to the back of house to be cut into serving pieces. The sheet cakes are what is served to the guests and can be whatever flavors you prefer. Then, pocket the difference, if there is money leftover. Mom sees the cake she paid for and is happy, and you and hubby get the cake flavors you want.
Mom does not need to know. Knowledge is power. Keep your cake secret until death!
NTA. Do what you need to do. You know her best. If you know there is no other way to control her strong-willed tantrums, you are probably right. She is at risk of overriding your wishes and ordering what she wants on your day without your consent. So keep her in the dark about any and all of the details. Let her think it will be what she demanded. She will find out on the day of the wedding, and oh what a realization that day will be.
Personally, this is not the path I would choose for myself, though. I would take this opportunity to stand up to my mother. I would tell her this is my day and I am having what I want, not what you want, not what you think my guests will want or expect. This day is not going to be about you, not a reflection on you, you are not the host, this is all me. The sooner you step back and respect my adulthood, the better off we are all going to be.
NTA it’s your wedding. If this is for the photo opportunity you can always have a styrofoam “cake” that looks like the real thing. My niece recently got married and used that but had a range of different flavoured cupcakes available for wedding guests.
Nta it’s your day. I agree just hold it & give it back after the wedding. Good luck & keep your boundaries strong
My sister wanted donuts from a specific bakery, they’re pretty well known for them. So she bought big tiered platters and ordered donuts. My mother insisted on a cake, so my sister gave in and let her pick one as long as my mother was paying for it.
The donuts were inhaled and everyone loved them. No one ate cake.
Lesson learned.
Do exactly what you want for your wedding.
You’re either okd enough to marry, or too afraid to tell mommy what to do. Do not marry if a freaking cake is enough to make you plot behind anyone’s back
Don’t start playing games. If you don’t want the cake, don’t accept the money.
That said, I really don’t know why you are choosing this hill to die on. A cake takes a few minutes to cut, and then you have the rest of your life to be married. Wedding cakes are made by specialists who design their concoctions to last lifetimes. They won’t dissolve in any heat unless you are planning to literally be the bride from Hell and have the wedding in Hades. They aren’t really designed to eat, so you can have sheet cakes too.
NTA. You should have kid attendees make a 3-tier playdoh cake during the reception to present to your mom. (A mess all around!)
Honestly a lot of people are over spending the kind of money that you have to spend for a wedding cake. Just recently my cousin had a beautiful wedding and instead of spending thousands on a fancy cake they bought several Costco cheesecakes and just decorated one with fresh flowers for the cutting cake and then brought the others out as they needed to be served. NTA.
One idea might be to put your Mom in charge of a party after the wedding. She can pick (and pay for) anything she wants and you and your spouse will attend to make her happy … but she needs to leave you and the wedding of your (you and your fiancé) alone. It’s not what she wants that matters at all, and she needs to accept the boundaries you set.
You need to tell her it’s your wedding and if she throws a toddler temper tantrum you will have her thrown out.
After the wedding, tell her the bakery made a mistake and return her money as the “refund.” Make sure you give a fake bakery so she doesn’t talk trash about or harass a real bakery.
Are your parents paying for the wedding and hence your mom thinks she has a right to make these decisions? Is your father in the picture? Are you 20? Mom’s like to get involved with their daughters weddings as it’s also a time to bond one last time. I don’t know what you mean by your culture affects this relationship, but it’s immature to hide and manipulate just as much as it is for her to force something on you that you don’t want. Go to lunch with her and ask her about her reasoning for a 3-tiered cake and listen. Then explain what you want, why you want it and tell her that is what you have ordered. It’s not out of disrespect to her. If you do this behind her back you aren’t ready to get married. Show some backbone. This whole scenario is ridiculous.
Your wedding, your rules. Tell her to have a vow renewal ceremony with the cake she wants. NIP this behavior in the bud or you’ll enjoy it after you have children too!
NTA, why is she invited invited to the wedding? She is toxic?
My former husband wanted a cake that had an unusual filling so we made a “grooms” cake. We were worried not many people would care for it.
We had it made to look like a ski slope with little skiers/trees etc and it was much smaller.
Oddly enough, it turned out to be more tasty than the large 3 tier cake. LoL. That’s life!
YWNBTA. When you’re that overbearing and do not respect your daughter’s wishes, you force her to subterfuge. It’s her own fault. If she were more sympathetic and loving regarding your wishes and desires, instead of what she wants and how she’ll be embarrassed and what she thinks is right, then you wouldn’t need to resort to these tactics. It would be a simple no thanks that’s not what I want, and the issue would be done. Instead, she throws a tantrum, she keeps pushing, she makes everyone’s life miserable. So then maybe don’t be surprised when someone has to go behind your back in order to, oh I don’t know, do something as sane and rational as have the wedding you want.
When you hand her the cash after the wedding, calmly tell her “I had to resort to this tactic because you wouldn’t let it go. I want this to be a lesson to you mom, next time listen to me when I tell you it’s what I want.” If that doesn’t shame her I don’t know what will. Oh, and make sure you do it in front of your dad and your husband. That leaves it sufficiently private so that her friends aren’t involved, but at least makes it in front of loved ones so she has her fair share of embarrassment.
OP: Is your reception venue a place where mom would even have the opportunity to just plop a cake on the table? If not, give her her money back now and let her throw her tantrum. All your’re doing by holding the money til after is kicking the can down the road and giving her an opportunity to play victim because you lied by omission. If she does have the opportunity to plop one down, is there a sibling, MOH, planner or someone who can run interference or accidentally ruin the cake.
You know your mom better than strangers on the internet, but I think you’d be much wiser to sit your mom down and tell her that you have listened to her advice but are going to follow your original plan. Tell her she needs to understand that you are now an adult who will be making a long series of decisions for your own life, just as she has for hers, and she needs to learn to accept that she isn’t in control any longer.
The deception and the possible drama when your mom sees the cake aren’t really the mature, adult way to do things.
When she asks why you hid this from her you can tell her your feelings were not being respected and you wanted to do you wedding your way.
O my someone with a 9 year-old mindset thinks the cake is the most important part of the wedding. Since she’s unreasonable and doesn’t listen, keep her in the dark.
It’s understandable you’re frustrated, but all down this thread your POV seems to be “it’s hopeless, she’ll barge in with a cake anyway!” People are offering suggestions to try to avoid that, and you’re shooting all of them down. Impossible, can’t, won’t work, etc.
So I don’t know what you’re asking, really. IMO you’re NTA to deceive your mother about the cake, but you don’t seem confident you can pull that off anyway.
This issue with your mom goes way beyond the wedding cake, as you of course know. Good luck!
You’re way too nice.
I’d be telling her straight up to back off or she’ll not be invited at all.
NTA
Does anyone else really want to know what this niche flavor is????
price out getting a 3 tier where all but what you eat is foam not cake. it will still cost but it might be a compromise you can both live with. you can also get a 3 tier cake w different flavors. it just seems a weird hill to ☠️ on. I mean it’s cake! the more the better imho
She thinks the cake is the most important part of the wedding? I guess she doesn’t get out much.
I know of a gorgeous wedding recently where they had a small cake for the bride and groom to cut and then did gourmet cookies in lieu of cake. It was an outdoor summer wedding and they were from a very popular high end cookie place. Guests loved it.
Sorry your mom is trying to control the wedding.
Don’t ask the venue; TELL them. “Sheet cakes are the only cakes allowed in this building during my event. If a tiered cake arrives send it back because I didn’t order it.”
NTA. The cake isn’t even top 5 of the most important parts of the wedding. My wife and I bought ten cheesecakes from Olive Garden, and 9 of them came pre-sliced. Fantastic decision btw. Wedding cake usually tastes like crap anyway.
Here’s the deal though. If you lie now, she’s going to be upset and possibly cause a scene day of.
You need to be firm now. Yeah she’ll probably make passive aggressive comments, but imagine that plus an outburst on the day of. Just have someone there at the parking lot “directing people”, and they can tell mom to put it back in her car if she tries to bring one.
Write a letter you print out and give them. Then you and husband sign it. When she tries to weasel or bully it inside, your “guard” can read the letter to her and show it. Tell her if she won’t back down, she is choosing to reject her invitation and remove herself from the wedding. Probably best to have the guard, or a second helper, film the whole thing so she can’t spin it as you kicking her out. It’s her literally choosing what she wants (the cake) over the wishes of the bride and groom.