Hi all! Sorry for the long post in advance…I just need some advice on this whole getting married thing
My husband and I eloped a few days ago and made the decision to have an actual ceremony next year on the one year mark. We have chosen to have a destination wedding in New Orleans and want to keep it extremely small (20-30) guests. I was thinking about including a few requests for my guests but I’m worried I might be an asshole if I do….Here are the requests I would like to include
- Due to venue size we would prefer to limit the guest list to those specifically listed on the invitations (I.e. no plus ones)
- We would prefer the wedding be child free, willing to make exceptions for special circumstances (I don’t really know a polite way to word that though)
- We know that flying to a new place can be expensive, we would like to inform our guests that we would rather people be there than give gifts or anything.
- Since it is a small event and neither of us are very…traditional…we would like to just have the ceremony and then explore/enjoy NOLA after (No reception, rehearsal) would love to do a group dinner if possible but no one should feel obligated to hang out and do only what we want to do.
Am I asking too much and being too strict? I just want everyone to have a good time but also want to make it known that NOLA isn’t exactly a place for young children, especially Bourbon Streets and ghost tours, which I would like to enjoy as it will be my husband’s first time going there.
EDIT TO ADD: I should have clarified: our families are interested in very different things. I would LOVE to have group activities and a large dinner (that we would pay for) I just want to make everyone happy. Regardless of where we have the ceremony, people would have to fly out. We live in a different state than our families, who also live in different states. (family in illinois, ohio, NC, SC, TN)
More Clarification: I would want spouses there, by plus ones I meant people that I do not already know. The circumstances surrounding our elopement didn’t allow for time for our families to join us. I wanted to host a ceremony for the family that could not attend but wanted to see it.
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Backup of the post’s body: Hi all! Sorry for the long post in advance…I just need some advice on this whole getting married thing
My husband and I eloped a few days ago and made the decision to have an actual ceremony next year on the one year mark. We have chosen to have a destination wedding in New Orleans and want to keep it extremely small (20-30) guests. I was thinking about including a few requests for my guests but I’m worried I might be an asshole if I do….Here are the requests I would like to include
Am I asking too much and being too strict? I just want everyone to have a good time but also want to make it known that NOLA isn’t exactly a place for young children, especially Bourbon Streets and ghost tours, which I would like to enjoy as it will be my husband’s first time going there.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You better buy people dinner.
If i flew to a destination wedding and dinner wasn’t provided, I would be pissed.
Sounds like you should just elope.
You are asking people to fly somewhere so you can go bar hopping. That’s a big NO! You are already married.
Most of these are very reasonable requests. If you don’t give plus ones, don’t have kids, and don’t need gifts those are totally normal things people do even when the wedding isn’t a destination. I would say is for the last one, make it very clear there is not a reception, and have some idea of the things you’ll do in NOLA. Also make it clear if you are paying for the group dinner or not. These two things are things that people typically expect from a wedding, so make the plan clear to them so nothing takes anyone by surprise. Overall, it’s your and your partner’s day! Do what will make you happy with the people who make you happy 🙂
NTA exactly…do whatever you want, and it depends a lot on your friend dynamic, but asking people to travel a long distance and spend that much money to attend a 30 min ceremony for a couple that is already married doesn’t feel very reasonable. Youre not doing anyone any favors by not expecting gifts.
Do you have activities planned for that weekend for your guests that youre organizing and paying for, and are paying for a big dinner for everyone? Because if not and you’re expecting them to fly 1000 miles, stay in a hotel, fund/entertain/feed themselves while also insisting they don’t bring their children is YTA territory.
Not everyone is looking for an excuse to fly to NOLA for the weekend. If they were, ok great, but otherwise it feels like a big ask unless you have very affluent friends.
YTA. No reception? I’d rethink that. You should at least do that for your guests that flew down for your destination wedding.
If you read about wedding invitation, etiquette, what you do is you put the people that are actually invited on the envelope. So you say Pat and Chris not Pat and guest. You don’t put the kids names because they aren’t invited. But most people with kids won’t do a destination because what are they gonna do with their children? All the family members are going to be there and won’t be able to watch the kids and you don’t wanna pay someone to watch your kids for a weekend.
So basically you don’t say what you don’t want, but you do say what you do want on an invitation.
Tell your mom and the maid of honor and the best man to let people know if they ask about your registry that your presence is our best present.
You absolutely need to host people for a meal if you’re asking them to come a long distance to your wedding.
No, that’s not to say that you can’t tell people that you want to visit a couple bars and anyone who wants to join is welcome and that at 8 o’clock you will be hosting dinner at X restaurant.
Elope. You sound exhausting.
Your husband can explore the city outside of the wedding.
A destination wedding a year after you actually got married? Nope.
I wouldn’t go to a destination anything if my partner/spouse weren’t invited.
So this sounds horrible. You want people to pay to come for a dinner( you are paying right?) And then you are going to ditch them to explore the city? And they can’t bring their plus one? So no wives/husbands/ partners? No ceremony or reception. Basically fly across country for dinner?
Nope. Don’t do it. Maybe just say hey we’re are planning a group vacation. Come if you like but don’t make it be attached to your wedding/celebration as people are going to feel obligated. I would hate yo fly across country for one evening.
Why not have a dinner locally for anyone wanting to come. Rent a party room at a local restaurant for the celebration. Or better yet set up a big BBQ. It would be more fun for everyone involved. Have trip after.
You’re already married. I wouldn’t assume people want to travel to a destination to see you get married again and just be set free. Are all your guests single young party people? What about your elderly family members or even more mature older ones who aren’t in to the scene in NO?
I’m not trying to be negative, but people in relationships want to travel together and have fun together. Expecting them to travel alone and spend all that money to see you have a wedding when you’ve been married for a year is a hard ask.
I guess I’m not seeing the point.
I get what you’re trying to do but this is weird. if you want to do a group trip w free time & scheduled activities fine, but that’s what you described. you did not describe a wedding.
Be prepared for people to be upset to be invited to a destination wedding without a plus 1. Many people don’t like to travel alone. Even with group activities planned, there will be downtime. You you’re not having a reception there, I’m not sure why that matters if there are plus 1s there anyway. This sounds more like you’re trying to plan a vacation where you get to dictate the details than a destination wedding.
Hold the ceremony in your hometown, invite a few friends to NOLA and use it as a honeymoon/vacation.
The requests sound reasonable to me. It sounds like you would be covering the cost of your celebratory dinner, which is good.
Since people would be flying in and paying for hotels without their plus ones, I’d also consider paying for at least one group activity (in addition to dinner) for anyone who wants to partake, like a walking ghost tour (if you’re in the position to cover everyone).
It’s great to have a general itinerary for your guests. Perhaps you could look into getting group rates so your guests don’t have to pay full price for them?
Well imo destination weddings are a Yta move to start with.
No plus ones is weird
Going child free is fine in this scenario.
You’re being mostly reasonable but you should also be ok with people if they choose to not go.
This would not be fun for me as a guest.
If your thing is that, you don’t want the whole traditional dancing, and all that and you don’t think you have enough people, I completely understand.
Here’s what I would do if I were you :
Instead of a traditional reception, I would tell everybody that they are invited to dinner and drinks as your honored guests. (This means you pay)
I would then schedule a couple cool things you could do as a group for people who would like to go from there and continues celebrating.
Things like haunted bar tours or a tour of a distillery or things like this.
Since you’re not having a reception, I would still pay.
If you decide to move on beyond that and just bar crawl, that’s when people could take care of their own bills
As far as no plus one goes, assume you’re gonna have more people decline because of it, but perhaps that benefit you in the end because then you can keep it smaller.
If you’ve already been married for quite a few years, and everybody already treat you like you’re married, you’re probably going to have quite a few people who turn you down, it sucks, but people have a tendency to prioritize people who haven’t been married yet.
Honestly if my friend asked me to pretty much take a day off to travel to them and only spend like 20 min for them and it didn’t even include food I wouldn’t go. It wouldn’t be worth my time. I would feel like my friend didn’t care enough about me to spend the day with me even if it was a group of people yet they couldn’t make time for me.
I wouldn’t go to a destination wedding if I couldn’t bring my SO. Allowing people to hang out alone is nice, but not if they cannot bring their SO with them.
It will be interesting to see how the child-free but willing-to-make exceptions work out. We like that child so she can come, but not that other child.
No issue with it being child-free or asking for no gifts. It is rude to have people fly out to a “destination wedding” and not at least buy people dinner/host some kind of get-together, especially when you’re not inviting their SO’s. Flying from IL,OH,NC,SC,TN down to Nola by myself for a 30 minute ceremony and then being told “peace out” would send me into a spiral. I think if these people are flying in and expected to take time off work and away from their kids and SOs, there should bare minimum be a welcome dinner the night before and an intimate reception hosted at a restaurant. Possibly even a brunch the day after. It would also be kind to include a list of sights and activities as well as accommodations around the area varying in price ranges. I’m from the south so hospitality is important to me, but if I were your friend or family member I’d feel slighted.
Why would you limit plus one guests if there’s no reception? Why not just plan a family vacation?
Sounds like what you should be planning is an anniversary trip with your single (interested) friends.
I’m just thinking if I read an invite that said “we don’t want gifts, we would rather you spend thousands on our year later destination vow renewal,” I’d be pretty annoyed. I assume most family has already given cards and cash to the wedded couple. I could be wrong.
The rules for anyone’s perfect wedding are always up to the people getting married, but I would not expect a lot of people to joyfully join that trip if they aren’t wealthy enough to afford it. You guys already got married, i would just have an actual reception locally for a LOT of people, and go on a year honeymoon or something. This just seems incredibly excessive to me but I’m poor lol
It’s a big ask. You want them to fly to somewhere else and not feed them? I wouldn’t go. I’m not spending a crap ton of money for a renewal wedding and not be fed sorry. That’s a flight hotel and my own food I can feed myself at home for way cheaper.
No kids, fair-
No plus ones, fair-
No gifts, fair-
No reception, as long as you’re truly willing to foot the dinner bill for everyone— fair
Maybe you could create an itinerary— giving restaurant options, attractions/ activities, and make it clear that you and your husband don’t want anyone to stress over attending, if then can make it wonderful, if not, completely understandable! Destination weddings can be tough for people!
Keep us updated on how it goes!
So you want to ask people to encumber travel expenses to witness a vow renewal without travel companions and you’re not even sure about hosting a dinner?
And this sounds like a good idea to you?