When I was a kid, my mom left us when I was 5(still have no clue where she is), and when I was like 8, my dad remarried Martha(fake name obv). She had two kids as well, but she did her best to make me feel included and feel like her own. I was a bad kid those first two years, but it took some time, and we became chill. I am 24m now, and she treated my older stepbrother, me, and my younger stepsister the same. I never called her “mom” only “Martha” but I have considered her a mother for a long time.
Anyway, unfortunately, when I was 15, my dad passed. But Martha already had guardianship around that time and took care of me. I am forever grateful, and she didn’t have to, but she did. She met John(also fake name) when I was 19, and recently they announced they’re getting married.
I like John a lot, I got nothing against the guy, but idk about going to this wedding. Martha is going to take his last name. I think that’s good, and she should, but I feel insecure about it kinda. She is related to my siblings, but the only thing connecting me and her is that last name she currently has. I think she should go ahead with John, but I am thinking of just making an excuse and sitting the wedding out to deal with my thoughts tbh. I know it sounds kinda crazy, but in a weird way, I feel weird about us not being a family anymore or whatever. Issue is, she really wants me there. My stepsister and I will be the only ones there, since my stepbrother is serving time(white collar criminal unfortunately, got caught up in an insider trading case). So if I don’t go, it will only be my stepsister. But, yeah. If I just make an excuse about “being busy with work” WIBTA? Cuz this is clearly a me-issue, since she treated me as her kid.
Edit: the wedding would be a few months from now, around February. Thinking about just saying I got a work trip and avoiding it, and meeting them a couple months after. Forgot to include this in original post.
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When I was a kid, my mom left us when I was 5(still have no clue where she is), and when I was like 8, my dad remarried Martha(fake name obv). She had two kids as well, but she did her best to make me feel included and feel like her own. I was a bad kid those first two years, but it took some time, and we became chill. I am 24m now, and she treated my older stepbrother, me, and my younger stepsister the same. I never called her “mom” only “Martha” but I have considered her a mother for a long time.
Anyway, unfortunately, when I was 15, my dad passed. But Martha already had guardianship around that time and took care of me. I am forever grateful, and she didn’t have to, but she did. She met John(also fake name) when I was 19, and recently they announced they’re getting married.
I like John a lot, I got nothing against the guy, but idk about going to this wedding. Martha is going to take his last name. I think that’s good, and she should, but I feel insecure about it kinda. She is related to my siblings, but the only thing connecting me and her is that last name she currently has. I think she should go ahead with John, but I am thinking of just making an excuse and sitting the wedding out to deal with my thoughts tbh. I know it sounds kinda crazy, but in a weird way, I feel weird about us not being a family anymore or whatever. Issue is, she really wants me there. My stepsister and I will be the only ones there, since my stepbrother is serving time(white collar criminal unfortunately, got caught up in an insider trading case). So if I don’t go, it will only be my stepsister. But, yeah. If I just make an excuse about “being busy with work” WIBTA? Cuz this is clearly a me-issue, since she treated me as her kid.
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> WIBTA for lying and missing the wedding? Might be AH cuz I am lying to her and missing the wedding.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. Stop being so self-centered and show up to support the woman who supported you when you needed it most.
Talk to her about how you feel. She wants you there and took care of you for years as her own. She does love you and sounds like she wants you around.
YWBTA, I absolutely understand your insecurities about the situation, that sounds scary and unpleasant. But if you pull away from her here, that’s just creating a real rift between the two of you. I think you should go to the wedding, participate, and maybe bring up these concerns with her directly instead of isolating yourself and making it harder for the two of you to stay connected. Plus, as tedious as weddings are, they’re even worse when you’re alone – she loves you, you love her, you should be there to support her.
YWBTA. Not going to the wedding because of what you’re thinking feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It feels like you’re rejecting her before she rejects you. Just because her name changing doesn’t mean that your status as her son is going to change but not going to this wedding could affect your relationship with her.
Edited
Gently, but WBTA.
You feeling like you won’t be a family anymore if you don’t share your last name is ultimately just a feeling. If you cut her off and refuse to attend her wedding, you risk alienating her and making it a reality.
If you have a close relationship, maybe talk to her about how much she means to you and how you have an irrational (but no less real) feeling over this big change, plan to spend time with her before the wedding to reaffirm your bonds… then put your feelings aside, and go to the wedding.
YWBTA. You say she treated you as her own child so I’m sure you not being there would be hurtful. This seems like one of those situations to put your feelings to the side for the day and show that you support and care for her.
I feel like you would be doing a disservice to your relationship with Martha if you skip the wedding without explaining why you’re conflicted about going.
I bet she would be able to empathise with your feelings – they seem normal to me. It’s like another string tying you to her and your dad is being cut away, and I’d be resisting it as well. But doing so would deny that your relationship with Martha is stronger than just because she was your dad’s wife, by now. Talk to her, even if you still choose not to go.
YWBTA if you don’t communicate
I totally get that you’re probably struggling with this situation and it’s probably a very confusing thing to go through. But yes you’d be ta. She raised you as her own, since you were little. Just because she’s remarrying after losing your dad, it doesn’t mean she’s no longer family. Her changing her last name doesn’t erase your bond or your past. She wants you there because she loves you and you’re her child! I really do think this is a situation that you just gotta suck it up and push through.
YWBTA. I get it. It sucks your dad isn’t here and your step Mom is with another man.
She been been in most all ways your mother since before you were 8 years old. A name isn’t the thing that makes you family. You will always be family.
It’s one of those days you show up for the people you care about, not for you but for her.
YTA. Use your words and communication skills to talk to your parent. Let her know how you’re feeling and maybe she can comfort you.
NAH but. I hope you go. Martha is the closest thing you still have to a parent and of course you have all sorts of feelings about how this marriage will change your relationship with her. Take her out for coffee and tell her that. But she wants you at your wedding and loves you. She is already telling you what you need to hear- that you matter to her and she wants you in her life.
YWBTA- she raised and treated you as her own even after your dad died and is the closest thing you have to a mom. She loves you and wants you there. Even if she remarries you’re still family, you seem to be the only one pulling away. Even if you feel weird about her remarrying, put that aside and go support the woman who is essentially your
Mom
Yeah, YWBTA. Would you expect her to come to your wedding? She’s been good to you. Return this small favor.
YTA
you are making this a big deal. You love her and she loves you. You need to be there for her big day. period.
She’s been your mom for most of your life, talk to her and tell her how you feel, odds are quite good that she can alleviate your fears. Yes, she deserves to get married again and be happy, just as your dad did, but I also think that she can help reassure you that you will continue to be her son. And yes, go to the wedding.
Suck it up and go to the wedding otherwise you are going to really hurt her
YWBTA it’s okay to feel how you feel, but skipping out on the woman who treated you like her own because her last name is changing is really petty behavior. If you feel this way, talk to her about it. You don’t owe this to her, but it’s not like she treated you like the redheaded stepchild or did anything to you or your late father. Be an adult and talk to her or a therapist or both.
YWBTA, she didn’t have to invite you but cares enough about you to do so . You heard the saying “it takes a village”! She was an important person in the village . Just curious , are you going to invite her to your wedding ?
YTA After all the time and many ways she has supported you and been there for you, you can’t bring yourself to be there for her. What a slap in the face. Her getting married doesn’t change her love for you and it shouldn’t change yours for her.
YWBTA. This is a good parent who has always shown up for you. It’s important for her that you show up for her on this important occasion.
Her taking a new last name doesn’t make her less family to you. You know what would make her less family? You blowing her off.
I get that you’ve got some feelings. So go to therapy and work them out. Don’t let your stepmother down. I don’t think you’d ever forgive yourself.
Ywbta. Your last name is not the only thing connecting you. OP, I can’t believe you even said that. She’s essentially your mom; she helped raise you. Go to the wedding as her son.
If nothing else, do it for her. She will be deeply hurt if you make some lame excuse not to go.
YWBTA. For all intents and purposes, she’s your mom and wants you there. Offer to walk her down the aisle – that’ll make her cry.
YWBTA
I get the insecurity but
family is more than surname.
Martha has consistently proven she’ considers you family.
If you don’t go it may look like you don’t want to be part of the family anymore.
NAH but you need to talk to your mom about how you’re feeling around this wedding. you need to talk to her about it as soon as possible and as honestly as possible. i think the fact it’s so important to her to have you there means she strongly considers you her family, still, and i think you could explore with her a way to help you feel connected to this instead of left out of it. i think if you don’t talk to her and you just find an excuse not to be there, there’s going to be a lot of hurt that you don’t necessarily want and it’s easy for these kinds of miscommunications / lack of communication to lead to exactly the outcomes you’re afraid of. trust the people who love you with your fears.
YWBTA. This woman supported you and cared for you after your dad died. And just like your dad didn’t stay single forever after your mom left, she didn’t stay single either. It’s your turn to support her at this wedding and put your insecurities about her taking someone else’s last name aside.
NTA, but you should go. This isn’t an asshole or not the asshole thing.
Martha has made it clear, she is your mom and you are her son even if you don’t call her mom and even if she doesn’t share the same last name as you anymore
If you want to I would write Martha a note or a text and say something like Martha I’m really happy for you and John. I’m a little unsure about going to the wedding. I know you’ve always just been Martha in name, you did all the mom stuff. Way more than my bio mom ever did. And you put up with me when I was an angry kid. And treated all of us the same. And you kept me after Dad died. I guess I’m struggling a little with once we no longer have the same name we won’t be connected any more and you won’t think of me as one of your kids. I don’t want to let you down. I’m also trying to figure out how to deal with feelings abandoned again. I hope you understand.
I guarantee Martha will reassure you that you will always be her son. Anyone you marry with be her child in law. And and kids you have will be her grandkids.
And it is 100% a fear of being abandoned again that is causing your feelings. You bio mom took off. Your dad died. Of course you are going to worry the only remaining parental figure you have will abandon you.
If you aren’t already in therapy, Id try talking to a therapist.
NAH. This is hard.
But, I think you should share your feelings with her about the last name and also the feeling that her changing it severs the one remaining connection you have with a parental figure and living family. I bet she’d want to make a gesture to make it clear that you are still important to her and she sees you as a daughter.
I think you would eventually regret missing the wedding.
YTA…. not going to the wedding is something you can never undo. She IS your mother, start acting like her son!!!!
Why not have a heart to heart with Martha about your feelings? She seems to love you as her own and I have a feeling she will be able to address your concerns.
YWBTA
No one in your post did you give a reason for refusing to go to your stepmom’s wedding. You just explain how she was a good mom. What the hell is wrong with you?
That’s not fair of you. She loves you and it’s not your name that makes her mother
You’re still her child. She needs you there. The name isn’t what connected you. What connects you is the live you feel for each other. She’s your mom in every way that counts.
NAH.
I think that this is her way of bringing you forward into her new life with her. She’s trying to say that while she’s found a new partner she hasn’t forgotten you, and you’re important to her.
I know it might be awkward – family events often are. But she’s reaching out to hold onto a connection with you, and has been a consistent kind and responsible adult in your life. Be kind back, and show up for her.
You will someday regret missing this wedding. YWBTA to yourself and also to your stepmom.
I wonder if you don’t believe you are worthy of your stepmom’s love, or are perhaps unaware of how very much she loves you. Please let yourself be loved by her.
Oh honey. Martha is your family. The name… that’s not what matters. They say that love is not just a feeling. Love is a verb. Love is what you DO. And this woman has loved you day in and day out for almost two decades.
I can’t even imagine how you must feel right now. You’ve been through so much, I’m sure it feels like you can’t deal with yet another fucking change. Your feelings are valid. But she WANTS you there. She gives a fuck about you. She has claimed you as her family. Show up for this woman who has always showed up for you. You’ll regret it forever if you don’t. Soft YWBTA. You can do this, OP. I believe in you!
The very gentlest YWBTA.
When I read the headline, I thought this was going to be the usual “I have never got on with my stepmom because she’s always treated me badly compared to her own children” sort of post. Or at least “I love my stepmom but she is marrying a person I can’t stand.”
But neither of those things is true. Martha has been a good stepmother to you. She has always been kind to you and treated you the same as her own children. You got lucky, OP! Your dad chose a good one! Not all step-parents are as good as Martha, believe me. And it sounds like Martha has also chosen well in her new marriage.
I understand you feel conflicted about the name issue, but missing the wedding and telling a lie about being busy at work would be a bad idea.
For one thing, Martha will be disappointed at the very least. She will also be hurt if she suspects you’re not being truthful.
For another thing, YOU would have to live forever with the prickly uncomfortable feeling that you (a) missed Martha’s wedding and (b) weren’t honest with her, and that may trouble you for years to come.
Have you heard the saying “Wherever you go, there you are”? It means you can’t run away from the mistakes you make, even if no one else finds out about them. Wherever you go in life, YOU are coming along with you. So you need to like and respect the “you” that you’re dragging around with you. I think you’re a decent person, and deep down you know that deliberately missing this wedding and lying about it is not something that sits well with you, or you wouldn’t be here in AITA asking us about it.
That doesn’t mean to say your feelings about the name don’t matter. I encourage you to sit down with Martha and tell her how happy you’ve been to share this last name with her, and how you’ll feel like you’re losing that connection if she changes her name. I think she will understand, and be able to reassure you that she still loves you and will always love you no matter what your names are. But if I’m wrong and you can’t resolve this between you, some counseling may help.
Best of luck.
I lived a similar situation, but I was the step mother. I love my step kids like my own. I would encourage you to talk to her. If I was your step mom, I would want you there. However, I would tell you the confusion you are feeling is normal, and that I would understand your choice. NTA
Hun, I get what you’re saying, but she’s your mom. She might not have given birth to you, but she has loved you for 16 years (2/3 of your life so far). Please go to this wedding. Your dad would be happy to know that his child was still loved and cared for after he passed away. Your stepmom deserves to be surrounded by her 3 kids during this celebration. Speak with a therapist and friends, but also speak to your mom and siblings.
I don’t think you would BTA because you don’t have venomous motives or anything. Talk to your stepmom and tell her how you feel. Explain that you feel the only thing tying you together is this last name and you’re worried you’ll be stuck in your thoughts and unable to celebrate her. I bet Martha will assure you that you are her daughter and she loves you. I inherited two stepkids (7 and 16) after a whirlwind romance. I adore them. They are mine. If their dad and I divorced those kids are still mine and we are still a family. I really hope you go. Your stepmom wants you there and she loves you. You’ll always be a family.
I think you need to talk to a professional. You’re still processing your grief over your birth mother’s abandonment and your father’s death and it’s impacting your other relationships. It sounds like you’re afraid of being abandoned again and trying to push your family away before they have the opportunity to do so, only your stepmother has no intention of severing ties with you. Family isn’t just genetics or having the same last name. It’s loving each other, your shared history and experiences, your choice to include each other in your lives going forward. Tell her how you’re feeling. I suspect the only version of this where you end up alone is if you cut yourself off and refuse to be part of the family anymore.
NAH. Please sit down & talk with Martha. There are a lot of feelings to work through for both of you.
YWBTA. She considers you her son.