WIBTA If I Move In Without my Partner?

r/

My fiancé (27F) and I (30M) bought an apartment last year. We spent about 6 months and a lot of money to get the apartment ready and habitable. In the last few weeks we’ve been finishing up the bigger parts of the apartment: having a workable kitchen installed, a bedroom, internet, and those kinds of things. Recently we ticked off one of the last holding points preventing us from moving in, that is having a washing machine and dryer installed.

Before having the washer and dryer actually installed (when we were given the installation date), I had already started moving over some non essential items like winter clothes and some small souvenirs/collectables. She, on the other hand, has not moved a thing yet from her stuff. For context, both of us live separately; her with her parents, and me with mine.

Recently I brought up that once it is habitable, I am planning to move in. She seemed to be taken aback by this, saying that it is OUR place and we should move in together. While I do agree with her that it is our home, I don’t really see anything wrong with moving in before her, as it would also allow me to help her move in.

Currently she is unable to move as she has a lot of pending deadlines this month related to her studies and between work and her studies, she is barely having any time to herself, let alone getting ready to pack up all her stuff and move.

While I understand her wanting to move in together, I am very unhappy in my current living situation and cannot wait to get out of here. She gets upset at the thought of living in our apartment by myself without her there. On the other hand, I just can’t stand the thought of having a “ready to move into” apartment and not being able to move in just because she gets upset at not moving in at the same time.

I’m torn on whether I should insist on moving without her and wait for her there, or if I should just wait it out a bit longer until she is in a position to be able to move. She also has not provided a date or a general idea of when she would be able to move, which also concerns me a bit.

WIBTA if I insist on moving in when I am ready and packed up everything?

Comments

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    My fiancé (27F) and I (30M) bought an apartment last year. We spent about 6 months and a lot of money to get the apartment ready and habitable. In the last few weeks we’ve been finishing up the bigger parts of the apartment: having a workable kitchen installed, a bedroom, internet, and those kinds of things. Recently we ticked off one of the last holding points preventing us from moving in, that is having a washing machine and dryer installed.

    Before having the washer and dryer actually installed (when we were given the installation date), I had already started moving over some non essential items like winter clothes and some small souvenirs/collectables. She, on the other hand, has not moved a thing yet from her stuff. For context, both of us live separately; her with her parents, and me with mine.

    Recently I brought up that once it is habitable, I am planning to move in. She seemed to be taken aback by this, saying that it is OUR place and we should move in together. While I do agree with her that it is our home, I don’t really see anything wrong with moving in before her, as it would also allow me to help her move in.

    Currently she is unable to move as she has a lot of pending deadlines this month related to her studies and between work and her studies, she is barely having any time to herself, let alone getting ready to pack up all her stuff and move.

    While I understand her wanting to move in together, I am very unhappy in my current living situation and cannot wait to get out of here. She gets upset at the thought of living in our apartment by myself without her there. On the other hand, I just can’t stand the thought of having a “ready to move into” apartment and not being able to move in just because she gets upset at not moving in at the same time.

    I’m torn on whether I should insist on moving without her and wait for her there, or if I should just wait it out a bit longer until she is in a position to be able to move. She also has not provided a date or a general idea of when she would be able to move, which also concerns me a bit.

    WIBTA if I insist on moving in when I am ready and packed up everything?

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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

    > 1. I have not taken any action yet, but WIBTA if I move in without my partner yet
    2. It would make me an AH because she would feel upset that I moved into our apartment without her

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  3. GreekAmericanDom Avatar

    NAH

    Look, the BIG romantic thing is to move in together. If you expect to get anywhere on this, you need to acknowledge that with her.

    …BUT…

    If your current situation is killing you, it would be loving of her to accept that your needs surpass that big romantic gesture of moving in together. She could do the small romantic thing and set her expectations aside to support your needs.

    True romance lies in all the little loving gestures, which show that you are aware of your partner’s needs and supporting them.

    She should support you in this. In turn, you will help her pack all of her things and move her. That is what love and romance should actually be about.

    Just when you go about it, acknowledge her feelings and don’t downplay them as irrational or stupid.

  4. Upstairs-Waltz-3611 Avatar

    INFO: Before I judge, can you give some context as to why your current living situation is bad?

  5. catsandpanthers Avatar

    Maybe a good compromise would be to keep everything in boxes as much as possible, even keeping your mattress on the floor. That way you can both properly settle in, unbox and combine your things in your new shared space at the same time.

    Could you pack some of her none essential things for her and move the boxes in the meantime?

    Communication is key, if you express how you feel and she does the same, there will likely be a middle ground you’re both comfortable with.

    NTA but I dont think she is either 🙂

  6. wondering88888 Avatar

    YWNBTA In fact, both of you trying to move in at the same time would be very stressful. Assure her that, by getting your move out of the way, you can help her pack and move, which she needs because she is so busy.

  7. VivianDiane Avatar

    Soft YWBTA if you unilaterally decide without further discussion, but NTA if you find a compromise that respects both your urgency and her emotional attachment to the idea of moving in together. Communication is key!

  8. Substantial-Spinach3 Avatar

    This is a first world problem

  9. Ghost_of_Euck Avatar

    [Edit – removed sleep-reading comment about not understanding why money was being put into an apartment. Asshole assessment pending.]

    Would not be the asshole.

    While I understand the sort of idealized “isn’t it memorable / romantic / whatever that we’re moving in on the same day and starting a new part of life together on the same day” aspect, that in no way should overshadow the fact that you are very unhappy in your current situation. She should want you to be free from that if you possibly can be, full stop.

    Also there’s the pragmatic aspects you mentioned. By moving in first you’ll be able to take care of more stuff to make your space livable (there’s always little things to do as well as the big ticket items you talked about), and like you said, because the rest will be done when she gets there, you can move her in more quickly and help her get her stuff unboxed and whatever else more quickly. So I don’t see any benefit at all to you not moving in, other than you lose your “Hallmark moment”.

  10. pudah_et Avatar

    NTA

    Your fiancé is being a bit silly. You are not children setting up a tree house in your backyard.

    If the place is ready and it would be convenient for you to do so, go ahead and move in. You might not unpack everything to allow for making joint decisions with respect to furniture placement, storage, etc. But you don’t need to wait just because she isn’t ready.

  11. Coollogin Avatar

    NTA. In fact, what you’re doing will work out better. If you’re already moved in, then you can focus on helping her move in once she’s ready for that.

  12. LilietB Avatar

    NAH. She has a specific vision in her head of a big romantic moment, and given how big a moment it would really be, it’s perfectly understandable. You’re not wrong for wanting to move into the living space you now have, either. Try to work with her to develop a new Big Romantic Plan that involves you being there first?

  13. LiveKindly01 Avatar

    NTA, but sounds like there are problems on her end, as in a bit of lack of empathy with you and your current situation (is it really bad or you just ‘prefer’ to not be there anymore?), and being too loosey-goosey with her own plans to move in. Is she having second-thoughts? Is she an over-analyzer? Perfectionist?

    INFO though – what was the original plan for a move-in date? If she has no plan, then she can’t/shouldn’t hold you up.

    Sure, ideally you move in together, however a staggered move-in has its benefits too.

    Ask her what exactly bothers her about you being there first…could be the whole ‘romantic’ thing or could be something simple like, she doesn’t want you placing things or decorating without her input. These things can be worked around and you can each still get what you want.

    1 – Have her come over and spend time there helping set up how you both like it, let her have her input, and maybe being there gets her excited about moving herself.

    2 – You can plan cool stuff for her while you’re there. Like spend an overnight in a sleeping bag the first day your boxes come in, eat take out and just hang out. Her first night there can be a big deal, romantic dinner, hang the last picture, whatever.

    But you need to have a talk about it, and get her to be honest and you need to agree to really listen too. It’s all workable!

  14. HNutz Avatar

    You’re going to be paying rent either way, right? And the only reason she’s not moving is because she didn’t pack earlier and now she’s busy? And there’s no expectation on when she’ll be ready?

    NTA

    She is for expecting you to indefinitely help pay towards a place you’ve basically moved into already but keep on living with your parents instead of moving into it.

    INFO: Are you sure she’s not trying to avoid moving?

    It’s actually probably better not having both of you moving in and unpacking at the same time.

    And, if you’re feeling generous, you could go above and beyond and help her pack/unpack (but that’s putting a LOT on you, it seems like).

  15. _goneawry_ Avatar

    NTA. I think you are thinking about the move practically: you’re unhappy in your current living situation and have no reason to stay there once the new place is ready. She’s thinking about it symbolically: it’s the beginning of a new chapter for you as a couple, it’s meaningful to start it together.

    With that in mind, maybe the two of you can think of something you can share together as a couple when she moves in– maybe you wait to decorate the place, or you have a special dinner together when she moves in. That way, you can still have a shared memory of moving in together without keeping you in an unhappy situation unnecessarily.

  16. kjaiwiz Avatar

    NTA 

    If it’s a matter of a couple of weeks, wait. If it’s open ended then sit her down and explain that it’s absurd for you to be struggling where you are while you own an empty apartment.

    It also sounds terribly childish (like junior high childish) to demand that you wait for her to move in together.

  17. kimba-the-tabby-lion Avatar

    NTA.

    I would suggest that she packs up her essentials, and basically starts living there sort of out of a suitcase. You might need to set up a desk at the dining room table, but if you are going to share a bed and you have at least 2 chairs, you can start your life together, while most of her sh*t is still at her parents’ place.

    If you want to be carried across the threshold…ugh, just don’t.

  18. HowlPen Avatar

    NAH She wants to make it a home together with you. Even things like where to put dishes, where the silverware goes, who gets which side of the closet, where to store linens, etc all take mental energy. She sounds tapped out at the moment. If you push, it’ll turn from a joy she’s been looking forward to into a pressured, not-fun scramble for her. Talk this through with her. Maybe she’d be okay if you both “camp” at the apartment. Minimum unpacking to make it a spot where you can sleepover without making it “yours” quite yet.

    Info: If she’s living with her parents- is she getting parental to not move in until you are legally married? That may be a factor for her too.

  19. nim_opet Avatar

    NTA. Move when ready

  20. VordovKolnir Avatar

    NAH. Her emotional attachments and your desire to move out asap both have legitimate cause. Start moving your stuff, start moving her stuff. I feel that would be a reasonable compromise. Ask her and her parents if you can stop by and start packing up some of her less important stuff while she’s at work. There’s no reason to let a perfectly good apartment languish.

    Move some of her clothes and other essentials to the new apartment so she can sleep in either place. Since she’s busy, she can bring stuff over in smaller amounts with you covering major stuff as needed. That way you both get what you want.

  21. Mommabroyles Avatar

    NTA this is ridiculous. Move in and get all your stuff done and then you only have her to move in. If she’s too busy to move that’s on her. Life doesn’t run on her schedule. There’s no way she’s so busy she can’t have packed up her stuff by now. Even a box a night would have gotten it done. Maybe she’s having second thoughts.

  22. SmellMajestic7355 Avatar

    Nta, but have a conversation with her about why this is important to her. It’s a stressful time, emotions might be high. You don’t want to start a marriage with a miscommunication that becomes the bedrock of the marriage.

  23. Successful-Pirate Avatar

    NTA

    She obviously doesn’t care about your living situation as I can’t imagine you haven’t informed her regularly on what makes it an uncomfortable situation for you.

    And even if moving in was this big moment in her mind that she wanted to do together, it’s not going to work out the way she wants it to. She probably thinks it’s going to be something like the montage from the beginning of the movie UP! When in reality both of you moving in at the same time is going to be absolutely chaotic.

    Definitely a conversation you need to have with her but I can’t imagine if she thinks that’s going to be magical she doesn’t think that living with you is going to be magical. I hope you guys are ready to learn some new things about each other.

  24. HammerMedia Avatar

    NTA, but one thought is that you guys could both do a soft move in. Set up just a bed and some basic kitchen stuff at first, and just sleep there together, rather than either of you moving in fully. An empty apartment isn’t a bad place to study. Slowly move more and more as it’s convenient. This would also make the big move day less stressful.

  25. Mrs_Darcy1800 Avatar

    My husband and I celebrated our first home together by having someone come to our home and prepare and serve a “gourmet” meal a week or so after we had unpacked and gotten settled. It was romantic, special, and a great way to mark a milestone in our relationship. Something like this might let you both move in on your separate timetables, but mark the occasion afterward in a really special way. Make sure flowers are involved, a small gift for your fiancé, and champagne (if appropriate)!

  26. FJORLAND Avatar

    Nta your girl is being wierd and you should be able to move. At the age of 30 I would also want to get out of my parents house as fast as possible.

  27. harmlessgrey Avatar

    YTA, sort of.

    You are putting additional stress on her, at a time when she is already super stressed. This is not a good way to start off in a new home.

    Instead, if I were you, I would just start moving all non-essential stuff to the new apartment. Quietly, on your own, without disrupting her. Pack it up and move it. Get the new place all set up.

    At the end of the month, when her schedule calms down, you and she can agree on a time to move the bed over and officially move in.

  28. Paravieja Avatar

    This is so stupid, who cares when you move in. This sounds like a red flag

  29. Sad-Country-9873 Avatar

    NTA – she can move in when you do with just some basics. But I have to ask, will there be continued deadlines to prevent her from moving? Why hasn’t she tried to box up items BEFORE the deadlines? Last season’s clothes? It isn’t a good thing to have an empty apartment just sitting there.

  30. No_Conversation_5661 Avatar

    No, why wouldn’t you move into an apartment as soon as it’s habitable? It’s a waste of space. She is attaching sentimental significance to something that usually isn’t sentimental. A lot of times, when one moves in with the other, the other already lives there. It’s not like there is some ceremony about moving in at exactly the same time. It’s actually better this way so you’ll be all moved in and be able to help her move rather than be occupied with your own move.

  31. Charming-Bit-3416 Avatar

    NTA, but it could impact your relationship. FWIW I think she’s being weird, but based on feedback from others I see how moving in together would be significant.

    I would see if you can reach some sort of compromise. Can she pack a few essentials and just start staying there at the same time you move in? Can you help her pack her stuff up so she can fully move in at the same time as you?

  32. viola2992 Avatar

    NTA.
    You’re still paying for the house even if you don’t move in.
    Tell her you’re going to buy a TV and move in.
    She can pack a few items to move in during the weekend.