I recently graduated college and moved back home to start grad school in the fall. I plan on living here for at least the next two years while I’m in school and likely at least the following year to complete a fellowship that is required for my career. This house is owned by my parents and is the house where my brother and I grew up. My room is very small, only big enough to fit a twin sized bed, a small desk, and a bureau in a tight squeeze. My brother’s room is substantially larger, so I was hoping to move into his room. For context, he is turning 30 in a few months, is married, owns a condo with his wife, and is actively searching for a house to purchase. He has not lived in this house in over 6 years, and only stays in his room possibly a few times a year when he and his wife stay overnight at the house to visit. I’ve talked to my parents about this (who own the house) and they said that they have no problem with me moving into his room. Currently, his room contains only a few pieces of furniture and is mostly being used for storage. I even offered to paint and decorate my current room whatever color he’d like so it still feels like he has his own room at the house.
However, when I called to let him know this was my plan, a fight ensued. He is very adamant that he does not want me in his childhood bedroom and even called me “brazen” for suggesting it. I feel like this is a complete overreaction, and while I understand he has ties to the room with it being his childhood bedroom, he has been moved out from the house for so long that he no longer has a use for the room. My parents say I should move in regardless of what he thinks, but I don’t want him to be upset with me or to ruin our relationship over this. WIBTA if I continue with my plan of moving into his room?
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I recently graduated college and moved back home to start grad school in the fall. I plan on living here for at least the next two years while I’m in school and likely at least the following year to complete a fellowship that is required for my career. This house is owned by my parents and is the house where my brother and I grew up. My room is very small, only big enough to fit a twin sized bed, a small desk, and a bureau in a tight squeeze. My brother’s room is substantially larger, so I was hoping to move into his room. For context, he is turning 30 in a few months, is married, owns a condo with his wife, and is actively searching for a house to purchase. He has not lived in this house in over 6 years, and only stays in his room possibly a few times a year when he and his wife stay overnight at the house to visit. I’ve talked to my parents about this (who own the house) and they said that they have no problem with me moving into his room. Currently, his room contains only a few pieces of furniture and is mostly being used for storage. I even offered to paint and decorate my current room whatever color he’d like so it still feels like he has his own room at the house.
However, when I called to let him know this was my plan, a fight ensued. He is very adamant that he does not want me in his childhood bedroom and even called me “brazen” for suggesting it. I feel like this is a complete overreaction, and while I understand he has ties to the room with it being his childhood bedroom, he has been moved out from the house for so long that he no longer has a use for the room. My parents say I should move in regardless of what he thinks, but I don’t want him to be upset with me or to ruin our relationship over this. WIBTA if I continue with my plan of moving into his room?
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> The action that should be judged is that I plan to move into my brother’s childhood bedroom despite his asking me not to. This might make the asshole because I would be deliberately going against his wishes and possibly creating a wedge in our relationship.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Bedrooms are for people who are currently living at the property.
He’s also 30, so not a fresh adult, and has a home of his own. It is silly to demand your childhood room at his age.
NTA he left home – full stop.
NTA. It’s not his house.
He’s 30, he’ll get over it.
NTA
You live there, he does not. Your parents have no problem with you switching rooms, it’s their house, they could turn both of your rooms into hobby rooms and you and your bro wouldn’t get a say.
Just go ahead, he’ll deal next time they visit. Just make sure to pack up and store his stuff properly
NTA. His bedroom is in the condo he owns. His former bedroom is fair game to anyone your parents let use it.
NTA, its a room in the house to be used, not a shrine.
NTA. Your brother is a grown-ass man who is insisting on keeping his own room after he’s left? Sorry, nope. The people who live in the house decide what’s where, not the former roommates.
NTA. He is grown grown. Like what! The largest bedroom in our house 3 out of 4 kids lived in. As one moved out the oldest moved into the largest room. Why are people
So obsessed with their childhood room.
NTA and he’s probably not intending to be.
Sounds like your brother is not ‘emotionally’ done with his childhood. It sounds like you care regardless of his state of mind.
It’s worth another conversation to confirm that this is a practical matter and that the permission you seek from the homeowners has been granted.
You’ll not be served very well by making an emotional appeal, he’s stuck for some reason and you cannot/should not try to analyze him. It will only frustrate the conversation.
I’m sorry you have this unnecessary struggle. Goodness knows there are enough other things to worry about. Stay empathetic, but you’re allowed to be practical.
Congrats and best wishes on your Grad School journey
NTA. This isn’t his decision. The homeowners gave their permission. That’s all you need. Clearly they have the sense to know rooms are for the people currently living there. Shame your brother never learned this. You were informing him as a courtesy, not asking for permission. I wouldn’t tell him the change is completed until the next time he’s going to visit. Then just a “just a friendly reminder that the room change is complete. If you choose to stay in the house it’ll be in the guest room (if your parents chose to have one), which is my old room.”. Ignore any rude responses.
BTW you should ask your parents what they want to do with your old room. Guest room? Office? Craft room? Sounds like he doesn’t visit enough to warrant his own room anymore. Everyone should get used to the idea that he no longer has a room in their house because he’s moved out and lives elsewhere. Keeping a shrine to him long after he’s left is just ridiculous.
NTA. Your parents own the house and they dictate who can and can’t use a room. Your brother needs to put on his big boy pants and grow up.
NTA. He’s married, he has his own room at his house. You live in your childhood house now and for the foreseeable future. You know what’s brazen, expecting your childhood room to remain in tact as a personal shrine
YWNBTA. Your parents, who own the house, gave their approval and insist on it. Your brother has a life, a family he’s formed outside of that house (not to mention already owning one property while looking to buy another) and if he wants to stay as a guest then your old room can be a guestroom. His childhood, and time living in this house, is in the past. That room shouldn’t be a monument to that when someone who actually lives in the house can use it as a bedroom.
Your brother is the person with the least say, the least stake in this. The most grace he gets is being asked if he wants to go through and claim anything to take him with him back to his condo while the rest of his stuff goes into storage in the basement or attic (or in boxes with him).
Your parents need to be the ones to inform him that “his” room is now the guest room, and while they love him dearly, he gets no say in whom they allow to stay in the room or under what circumstances.
Your parents are right.
That room does not belong to your 30 year old brother. It belongs to your parents. He’s being a spoiled brat.
NTA. Three weeks after I moved out, my brother moved into my old room. Six months later, my parents moved their office into his old room. Life moves on.
NTA. He has a home. It’s not his bedroom anymore especially since he took his stuff. It’s the storage room now. Move in. Be happy.
You don’t his permission to do what your parents are saying you can do. In their home.
Its your parents house, they get the say in how its used. It doesn’t make sense for you to be squeezed into a smaller room. Brother is being unreasonable. NTA
NTA Why the hell did you even call him?! He’s a grown man, doesn’t live there and doesn’t own the house. It’s not really any of his business
Why would you even call your brother to talk about the room? Your parents have no problem with you moving into the room. Your brother no longer lives there and has no financial ties to the home.
Take the room and don’t give it a second thought. This is a “better to ask for forgiveness than permission” situation.
Your brother does have emotional ties to the room..
I think he is overreacting though. He should be willing to let you have that room because you’ll be living there for so long. I’m torn between you being an asshole or not for moving into the room anyway..
I wanna say you would be the asshole because you know how he feels about it and you do it anyway… But also he is overreacting and it shouldn’t be a big deal in the first place. Maybe your parents can talk to him.
When I saw the title it triggered a memory for me.
When I moved away for college my parents asked if I would be OK with my brother moving into my bedroom. I said no, since my room really was my safe space growing up, and I was already taking a huge step and felt like I was all alone.
I came home for Christmas and my parents had drastically changed my room, later they admitted that they had already moved my brother in and just asked him to sleep in his old room while I was there. That hurt, because it felt like it wasn’t my home anymore, and I wasn’t ready for that. That could be part of why he reacted so strongly, but I’m guessing he’s been out of the house for awhile.
This is nothing like that! NTA.
Why did you even call him? Its honestly your parents decision.
NTA. Why did you ask him? It’s your parents house, not his. It’s probably just that the hour is late, but I find myself wanting to tell you to ask your SIL if everything is okay with them, since your brother is really set on keeping that room open for him to move back into.
Since it is your parents house and they have very sensibly told you to just take the room, you should just take the room. Seriously…why did you ask him? It is not his room.
ESH
Your parents are pretty ridiculous for putting you in a position where you had to inform their other child about how they will be allocating the space in their home. Your brother is a brat. Actually I guess you’re not very much at fault here but you should never have called your brother about this. It is not your decision to share.
NTA. Ask him if he’s planning on divorcing his wife and moving back home.
Wow, just switch rooms. You’re brother is a grown ass family man who owns his own home. He is just going to deal with it and you need to develop a thicker skin.
Op is nta. He should move in.. but with the kickback from big bro, makes you wonder if he’s hiding something in that room?🤔 like a hidden p stash under the floorboards or something 🤣
NTA. Your brother is acting like a child. Ignore him. He should grow up and get over it eventually. Your relationship should improve after that. You shouldn’t be inconvenienced by his immaturity.
This opinion comes from the next to youngest of 4 kids in a foster family (the oldest are twin brothers who couldn’t care less who uses their old rooms now). In my bio family I was the oldest of two, and I wouldn’t have cared if my brother took my room once I moved out, because I didn’t plan on living there again. I had moved to another city.
Edit: the point of this info is mature people who have started their own families don’t act the way your brother is.
NTA—he’s completely moved out of the room (and the house) and your parents, who own the house, have no problem with you moving into that room.
It might be different if it was still filled with all his stuff, but it basically sounds like a guest room that just happened to be his room in the past.
If he’s whiny because he and his wife would have to sleep in a smaller bed when they visit, tough! They can always spring for a hotel room is they want a bigger bed to share.
Your brother is way out of line. He does not get to tell anybody how his childhood room in his parents’ home is used. It isn’t a shrine, nor should it sit vacant when someone else can use it. If your parents are fine with it, brother dear needs to get fine with it. Your brother is the AH.
NTA. In fact. We’ve moved kids around almost every couple of years based on who is home and various other issues.
NTA
I like how the homeowners and 2 of the main people in the situation told you “you’re good” and you still felt the need to ask strangers on the Internet. Your parents know their oldest son and how his tantrums work. He’ll bitch and moan for a month and then he’ll forget and move on. Trust the process. Best of luck w your schooling!
NTA – It’s better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission. Maybe bro got some special porn stashed under some floorboards and he just remembered it when you called? Good luck