Me and a group of friends are planning a vacation. After we booked plane tickets, a friend of ours (let’s call him Jack) who we had invited previously and at the time said no, decided he actually wanted to come as well and booked tickets but said he was gonna be doing more his own thing and not joint us for a lot of the stuff we’re doing (like specific cities we’re visiting besides the country’s capital).
The main 5 people continued having regular calls where we decided things about the trip and booked stays and tickets for things. Jack was not participating in these because we said he didn’t wanna go to these other cities.
When it came time to book the stay in the capital for the last week, one of us messaged Jack and asked if we wanted to stay with us, he said yes, but didn’t join our call and when we asked if he was okay with the specific airbnb he said it was ok, and payed his share.
Now, about 2 and a half months later (about 2 months before the trip), he messages 1 person in the group telling him that he’s changing his plans and doesn’t wanna stay in the place we booked. When asked about the money he said he’d like his money back but he guesses it’s up to us.
Would we be the assholes if we don’t pay back his share? (around 300€ total, 60€ per person)
We booked it being conscious of budgets. Some people in the group are a more careful with money (with low wage or with ongoing loans). The specific airbnb we picked would have the same price for 5 or 6 people. So if we were booking for 5 people we wouldn’t have picked this one and would have gone for a cheaper option.
If we are to cancel the airbnb we would only get about half the money back, so canceling and scheduling another thing would be more expensive and thus is not an option.
Jack did not address the group collectively, he only messaged 1 guy (who I was with at the time so I saw the conversation). When Jack was asked why, he said something about changing his plans (like maybe he didn’t wanna stay in that city the same amount of days we did) and my friend suggested him staying with us just for the days we was now gonna be in this city, he said no because it was too much paperwork.
The “paperwork” in question is a form that the airbnb people requested us to fill in with passport picture and some info (name, address, etc) which is generally requested in any place you’d stay in that country. So my friend questioned how was paperwork the problem, since that thing would take like 5 minutes to fill in, Jack said something like, “Look I just wanna do my own thing it’s nothing against you guys”.
The likely outcome is that we’ll pay the money to him, i personally don’t mind paying but I don’t know what could be the correct choice. I just wanted opinions about what would you do in the situation, because I’m not sure what opinion I should express to the group regarding paying or not paying.
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Me and a group of friends are planning a vacation. After we booked plane tickets, a friend of ours (let’s call him Jack) who we had invited previously and at the time said no, decided he actually wanted to come as well and booked tickets but said he was gonna be doing more his own thing and not joint us for a lot of the stuff we’re doing (like specific cities we’re visiting besides the country’s capital).
The main 5 people continued having regular calls where we decided things about the trip and booked stays and tickets for things. Jack was not participating in these because we said he didn’t wanna go to these other cities.
When it came time to book the stay in the capital for the last week, one of us messaged Jack and asked if we wanted to stay with us, he said yes, but didn’t join our call and when we asked if he was okay with the specific airbnb he said it was ok, and payed his share.
Now, about 2 and a half months later (about 2 months before the trip), he messages 1 person in the group telling him that he’s changing his plans and doesn’t wanna stay in the place we booked. When asked about the money he said he’d like his money back but he guesses it’s up to us.
Would we be the assholes if we don’t pay back his share? (around 300€ total, 60€ per person)
We booked it being conscious of budgets. Some people in the group are a more careful with money (with low wage or with ongoing loans). The specific airbnb we picked would have the same price for 5 or 6 people. So if we were booking for 5 people we wouldn’t have picked this one and would have gone for a cheaper option.
If we are to cancel the airbnb we would only get about half the money back, so canceling and scheduling another thing would be more expensive and thus is not an option.
Jack did not address the group collectively, he only messaged 1 guy (who I was with at the time so I saw the conversation). When Jack was asked why, he said something about changing his plans (like maybe he didn’t wanna stay in that city the same amount of days we did) and my friend suggested him staying with us just for the days we was now gonna be in this city, he said no because it was too much paperwork.
The “paperwork” in question is a form that the airbnb people requested us to fill in with passport picture and some info (name, address, etc) which is generally requested in any place you’d stay in that country. So my friend questioned how was paperwork the problem, since that thing would take like 5 minutes to fill in, Jack said something like, “Look I just wanna do my own thing it’s nothing against you guys”.
The likely outcome is that we’ll pay the money to him, i personally don’t mind paying but I don’t know what could be the correct choice. I just wanted opinions about what would you do in the situation, because I’m not sure what opinion I should express to the group regarding paying or not paying.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 – it’s a WIBTA, so the action i could take that would make me the asshole is not paying my friend back the money for the stay he paid for but no longer wants to go to
2 – could make me the asshole because I would becausing a friend to have paid for something he did not go to
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
If the Airbnb’s policy is that cancellation only gets you half the money back, then I feel Jack should not be repaid. If he’d booked his own place, he would have to pay half and the amount would have been much higher. He signed up for a room and should pay for it. I guess if you wanted to be nice, you could give him back half his fee since airbnb would have given back half. But your group is NTA if you don’t pay him anything.
I would not pay him back. The others should not have to pay more because he didn’t plan well and he still isn’t being clear with what his plans are. He could definitely fill in the paperwork, that is not the reason. And if he can afford to travel around a foreign country for weeks, he can afford the 60 euros. NTA.
Jack is a pain, but it sounds like it is only 10 euros per person, so why not pay him back and keep friendly?
NTA
He flaked, and didn’t engage properly; there are consequences to that.
NTA. Maybe see what the price would have been for a 5-person place and refund accordingly. If the 5-person was going to cost you each $325 instead of $300, each refund him $25.
No I wouldn’t give him the money back as he agreed and then waited months to change his mind and if you cancel everyone would be out money because he cannot be a adult and make up his mind.
Next time do not include him on anything now you know.
NAH, he was understanding that the money had been spent and acknowledged it’s your choice whether to give it back. It’s not like he demanded it. It’s reasonable for him to say he’d like it back if possible (who wouldn’t).
Give the amounts you’re talking about and the fact that you didn’t actually book a larger place, in your position, as a group, I’d consider giving him a portion back. You don’t owe him even that and it’s still fair not to, but it’s a quick way of ensuring everyone leaves this exchange on good terms in a way that’s fair.
A simple, “As you know the Airbnb is already booked and it’s too late to get a refund and change to a different one without incurring fees and ultimately costing us more. We wouldn’t have picked this one if we weren’t ensuring space for you as well. However, we also want to be fair to you since you aren’t actually staying there. We’re able, as a group, to give you half of what you spent back which seems fair since that is what you’d get at this point if we did cancel with the host.”
30 extra euros per person isn’t terrible (if you give him half). If budget is tight, you’ll probably save that much somewhere else by cooking one meal in the Airbnb.
But, I’d also suggest you talk as a group about what you’ll do if he does show up and want to stay for part of the time without the paperwork. This is one of those situations where if you meet up to hang for a night while all there, he’s been drinking and doesn’t want to go back to whatever accommodations he’s found, he knows there is space, he feels like he paid for it, he’s been encouraged by one person to stay for even part of the trip, etc. things are going to get awkward in the group if you aren’t all on the same page about him crashing “just for a night.”
definitely NTA.
NTA – but I might consider a middle ground. Offer him half. If he wants more explain if you cancel the AirBnB you would only get half back.
Maybe. Jack didn’t sound that interested in the trip in the 1st place so the rest should have booked without him and if he wanted to join he’d need his own accommodation. It depends on the conversation I guess. If it was made clear there wouldn’t be a refund then its a no Brainer. If it was clear to him that the booking was made with everyone and budgets in mind then NTA. Jack needs to learn about not being a total flake.
I wouldn’t pay him back. If he was booking his own accommodations. He wouldn’t be able to get his money back either. He’s just taking advantage of the fact that he booked with a group of you.
The only scenario in which I would give him his money back is if you’re able to get a full refund from Airbnb and book something cheaper.
My friends and I go on retreats regularly. If someone backs out after the AirBnB is paid for, we don’t return the money unless there are extenuating circumstances (like they had a financial emergency that wiped out their savings and they need the money or they had a health/family emergency). No one has ever cancels and asked for a refund.
NTA. Especially if you were being conscious of budget when you chose the accommodation. Anyway, now you know that this guy isn’t very reliable when it comes to committing to plans.
If you were the one backing off and not making the trip, of course you’d want your money back. I think it will be the same for the rest of the friends
So I’ll give it back
NTA being flakey has consequences. He shouldn’t expect to be reimbursed.
You didn’t mention whether you told him about any of the last part…that you would have gone with a cheaper stay and you can’t cancel without major penalties. He needs to be informed that his action had consequences so, perhaps, he knows to really consider before committing next time. You’re NTA for telling him this…this is normal conversation between friends.
Maybe he will understand and pay his share. If he doesn’t, he’s absolutely TA. If he even grumbles about it but reluctantly pays, he’s still an AH. You don’t leave you’re friends with a bill because you changed your mind.