My (25f) husband (28m) has been a police officer for a little over 4 years. He just recently became a training officer for new recruits. He has been training a new female recruit (24f) for about 2 weeks now and something has seemed off the entire time. He has trained one other female officer in the past and I didn’t get this weird feeling.
This weekend (his off shift) I saw him texting with her all weekend, even until 1:30 am on Saturday night.
Obviously, I went through the text messages and I was shocked and appalled. The texts were exactly what my gut told me. There were texts about how they can’t wait for her to get off training so they can spend time together and not hide anything anymore, how they failed at not flirting with each other, how he has feelings for her and can’t hide it anymore, how he wants her all to himself, and how he is trying to decide whether he wants to divorce me be she’s he loves me, but that she shouldn’t worry as he was having these feelings before they started talking. (The last part is very much not true because things were actually great and we were trying for a baby before this.) I can’t tell from the messages if anything physical has happened yet but there were some comments about having been to secluded places.
I plan on leaving him, so don’t worry about that. But what I need to know is WIBTA if I report this behavior to his higher ups so she is reassigned? They have about 5-6 more weeks of training together. I don’t want to seem bitter but as a young female in a male dominant profession, this can become a serious issue. I am also worried because in their line of work, this could literally get someone killed. I also struggle because I don’t want him to get fired, being an officer is his dream. And I can’t tell if anything physical has happened so maybe it’s not as big of a deal to others who aren’t as close to this as me?
Please tell me what to do Reddit. Would I be the asshole if I told my husband’s bosses about him starting a romantic relationship with the recruit officer he is actively training?
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My (25f) husband (28m) has been a police officer for a little over 4 years. He just recently became a training officer for new recruits. He has been training a new female recruit (24f) for about 2 weeks now and something has seemed off the entire time. He has trained one other female officer in the past and I didn’t get this weird feeling.
This weekend (his off shift) I saw him texting with her all weekend, even until 1:30 am on Saturday night.
Obviously, I went through the text messages and I was shocked and appalled. The texts were exactly what my gut told me. There were texts about how they can’t wait for her to get off training so they can spend time together and not hide anything anymore, how they failed at not flirting with each other, how he has feelings for her and can’t hide it anymore, how he wants her all to himself, and how he is trying to decide whether he wants to divorce me be she’s he loves me, but that she shouldn’t worry as he was having these feelings before they started talking. (The last part is very much not true because things were actually great and we were trying for a baby before this.) I can’t tell from the messages if anything physical has happened yet but there were some comments about having been to secluded places.
I plan on leaving him, so don’t worry about that. But what I need to know is WIBTA if I report this behavior to his higher ups so she is reassigned? They have about 5-6 more weeks of training together. I don’t want to seem bitter but as a young female in a male dominant profession, this can become a serious issue. I am also worried because in their line of work, this could literally get someone killed. I also struggle because I don’t want him to get fired, being an officer is his dream. And I can’t tell if anything physical has happened so maybe it’s not as big of a deal to others who aren’t as close to this as me?
Please tell me what to do Reddit. Would I be the asshole if I told my husband’s bosses about him starting a romantic relationship with the recruit officer he is actively training?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Wondering if I would be the asshole for turning my police officer husband in for cheating with a recruit he is actively training? I think I might be the asshole because if I do he could get fired and I’m not sure if they have been physical so I don’t know if this situation is as big of a deal as it seems to me. Need advice from those not so close to it
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, in my opinion. Your husband is, in a way, (ab)using his position of authority to get close to someone. Teacher-student relations are never a good idea, especially not in a police department. I would report his ass.
He might lose his job but he’s definitely getting the girl if you do that. So it’s your call I guess.
NTA, but please be very clear here – your husband is abusing his position over her. She hasn’t seduced your husband, she as a trainee is a victim of an older more senior officer who is abusing his position to try to have sex with her.
Tell his boss by all means, but please don’t think she’s the problem here. He needs to be the one moved – not her.
NTA. No doubt he is violating policy by pursuing a relationship with a subordinate (maybe more so as the other is a trainee). You should leave and report the activity. What happens after that is up to his department. Stay strong and safe.
NTA, but this is also a much bigger deal than you realize. He’s her superior. He should 100% be fired for that in the workplace. That’s ignoring the fact that at any point, she could claim he used his work advantage to coerce her. I’d say get to a very safe place, maybe out of state given the stats on law enforcement and domestic abuse, and then report him
NTA at all.
This is abuse of authority and there is already enough issues in this industry.
Good luck with leaving him, he sounds disgusting. Make sure you keep yourself safe.
NTA report him girl
>Would I be the asshole if I told my husband’s bosses about him starting a romantic relationship with the recruit officer he is actively training?
What exactly do you think you would accomplish by doing this? A justified asshole is still an asshole. You should just leave him, no need to try to create extra drama, that just seems petty.
Unless I’m reading you wrong, it’s not like your husband is taking advantage of his position, and thus it’s very hard to see exactly what his bosses will do about it. Seems like they are waiting out until after training is complete to enact their shit, and that they might have genuine feelings for each other. That means that arguably, they aren’t doing something “inappropriate” related to work, the inappropriate thing here is actually him doing these things whilst still in a relationship with you. I think you need to make this your fight about your relationship instead of passive aggressively fighting through his boss trying to ruin their workplace from the shadows(????), or fighting through some other mechanism of social influence instead of you talking to him, but that’s just me.
Get out and get safe, THEN report him. This is an abuse of power. NTA
NTA this has life threatening consequences if it goes wrong
NTA, at all!
I actually heard if this identical situation happen in the city I live in. The married police officer had a wife and a few kids. Now they’re divorced because he was messing with the recruit; they dated for a little while and broke up. Now he has a million other girlfriend and his reputation is in the trash.
Regardless, do what you have to do. Your husband is trash.
My gut instinct is NTA. Do it. It is a conflict of interest for him to be dating her. She should be learning from someone else.
But make sure you have Evidence, that it isn’t his word against yours.
That said, it will likely negatively impact her career more than his. Such is the way in a case like this. When you contact your STBX’s superiors about the situation, word it out of ‘concern for her career’ because it will ‘paint female officers in a bad light’ and you don’t want ‘anyone thinking that female officers got their position because of who they sleep with’, and that isn’t a good look that she was ‘manipulated by a man in a position of power’.
Drip as much real or fake sincerity in your letter.
NTA. But I suggest you get your ducks in a row and leave before reporting. Look at the stats of DV amongst families of police officers. You might not be safe if you report now. Also be prepared that his bosses will sweep this under the rug so you might not get any satisfaction from seeing consequences meted out.
NTA but it isn’t this woman’s fault, your husband is abusing his position of power. Be careful though, this kind of thing isn’t uncommon with cops and they tend to close ranks to protect one another.
I know it’s difficult but he should absolutely be fired, nothing more dangerous than cops abusing their positions.
Think about it. I worry that, if you don’t report him, he will become an issue for female recruits.
Hell yeah report his cheating ass, if you are planning on leaving him who cares what happens, he should of thought about that before messing around with a co-worker!
Fk him. Let him lose his dream. He brought this on himself
OP I would ask your divorce attorney, not Reddit. If he loses his job, he may not pay alimony. Your knowledge could be used to your favor in the settlement negotiations. Get screenshots instead, then laet the lawyer advise you.
I read ‘police officer’. Immediately NTA.
He is a police officer. Just leave it alone. I’m sorry you’re going thru this.
I think since he did this at work and is married to you, whatever you want is completely acceptable.
A married person (man or woman, doesn’t matter) should not be hanging out alone with a person of the opposite sex. I don’t care if it’s for work or not. You’re just setting yourself up for adultery. Nta.
YTA, spite and emotion are definitely playing a role. Just divorce and move on.