I could treat my whole family on my birthday this year, but I don’t really want to.
My birthday is at a bad time of year. I was born in early January – right after everyone’s gone back to work/school, when everyone is partied-out and broke. No one is thinking “party time!” at the time of year I was born. One year even my mom forgot my birthday.
(Not seriously forgot forgot: she’d bought me a present: but I came home from school (my 17th b-day) and was surprised to find none of the usual birthday things (my sibs were born in October and March) – no card, no cake – and when my mom came in I said “hi” and she said “hi” and about an hour later she suddenly said “omg it’s your birthday today?!? I completely forgot! What would you like me to make for dinner?”)
That was over 20 years ago, and while I have organized birthday parties for myself sometimes, it always felt like an effort – I’m partied out/broke/tired too. Even if it’s a low-key meet-up, it’s hard. My wife said to me in passing (we’ve been married five years) “you don’t really like to celebrate your birthday,” and I was struck dumb, because, yeah – I do like to celebrate my birthday.
On my birthday, I always organize something for myself. Usually something pretty small – a cake and coffee at my fave coffee shop, a movie I wanna see. And I just do it by myself. It’s not that I wouldn’t like other people to celebrate my birthday, I’ve just recognized for years and years that no one really wants to party on that day in early January. If I invite, family will show, of course – mostly: but friends who I meet up with at other times of year will often just go “no energy no money” – and RSVP with apologies.
Anyway: earlier this year I had a windfall. Not life-changing amounts of money – a couple of thousand dollars. I put it into a high-interest account right away and didn’t tell anyone else about it.
Now, one way I could spend it is – I’m coming up on my 40th birthday, and I could use it to treat my spouse and family and close friends to dinner somewhere nice we’d all enjoy. In so many ways that feels like the right thing to do!
But, here’s where I may be the asshole: I really want to keep right on telling no one, not even my spouse, about the windfall. I want to take a couple of hundred dollars – more than I ever spent on myself for my own birthday – and treat myself – just me- to something spectacularly nice.
I work full-time, my wife is not in paid work/part-time student – and I know she’d enjoy it if we went out together to somewhere nice that we couldn’t really afford normally. Her birthday’s in August and I always organize something celebratory for her on the day, usually small-scale because that’s what we can afford, but a day out at an art exhibition, lunch somewhere nice.
Reddit, WIBTA if I just went on doing what I usually do for my birthday – a solitary celebration – except, for as long as the windfall lasts, spending a lot more money on myself than I usually do?
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I could treat my whole family on my birthday this year, but I don’t really want to.
My birthday is at a bad time of year. I was born in early January – right after everyone’s gone back to work/school, when everyone is partied-out and broke. No one is thinking “party time!” at the time of year I was born. One year even my mom forgot my birthday.
(Not seriously forgot forgot: she’d bought me a present: but I came home from school (my 17th b-day) and was surprised to find none of the usual birthday things (my sibs were born in October and March) – no card, no cake – and when my mom came in I said “hi” and she said “hi” and about an hour later she suddenly said “omg it’s your birthday today?!? I completely forgot! What would you like me to make for dinner?”)
That was over 20 years ago, and while I have organized birthday parties for myself sometimes, it always felt like an effort – I’m partied out/broke/tired too. Even if it’s a low-key meet-up, it’s hard. My wife said to me in passing (we’ve been married five years) “you don’t really like to celebrate your birthday,” and I was struck dumb, because, yeah – I do like to celebrate my birthday.
On my birthday, I always organize something for myself. Usually something pretty small – a cake and coffee at my fave coffee shop, a movie I wanna see. And I just do it by myself. It’s not that I wouldn’t like other people to celebrate my birthday, I’ve just recognized for years and years that no one really wants to party on that day in early January. If I invite, family will show, of course – mostly: but friends who I meet up with at other times of year will often just go “no energy no money” – and RSVP with apologies.
Anyway: earlier this year I had a windfall. Not life-changing amounts of money – a couple of thousand dollars. I put it into a high-interest account right away and didn’t tell anyone else about it.
Now, one way I could spend it is – I’m coming up on my 40th birthday, and I could use it to treat my spouse and family and close friends to dinner somewhere nice we’d all enjoy. In so many ways that feels like the right thing to do!
But, here’s where I may be the asshole: I really want to keep right on telling no one, not even my spouse, about the windfall. I want to take a couple of hundred dollars – more than I ever spent on myself for my own birthday – and treat myself – just me- to something spectacularly nice.
I work full-time, my wife is not in paid work/part-time student – and I know she’d enjoy it if we went out together to somewhere nice that we couldn’t really afford normally. Her birthday’s in August and I always organize something celebratory for her on the day, usually small-scale because that’s what we can afford, but a day out at an art exhibition, lunch somewhere nice.
Reddit, WIBTA if I just went on doing what I usually do for my birthday – a solitary celebration – except, for as long as the windfall lasts, spending a lot more money on myself than I usually do?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I’m planning selfishly to hoard a windfall to myself and spend it only on me, and not even tell any of my nearest and dearest that I have this money and intend to use it to treat only myself.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Oh please. NTA. It’s your money, you aren’t obligated to treat everyone to an extravagant dinner.
Investing it is wise. If you want to buy yourself a special gift, fine.
That said, I don’t know how open you and your wife are about your finances normally – if you discuss every big purchase together, it could be a shock to her that you’re hiding this, but it sounds like she’s already used to you celebrating by yourself on your birthday. So most likely not a big deal.
NAH
Treat Yo’self!
While I’m here, might I recommend No More Mr. Nice Guy.
You’re doing a whole lot of pearl clutching over something that really shouldn’t be this big a deal. You wouldn’t be harming anyone. Seems like a no brainer to me.
I understand why you don’t want to invite friends/family, but less clear on why you don’t want to go out with your wife. One would hope you would enjoy each other’s company. I don’t think you’re an asshole for it either way though, NAH
NTA but i wouldnt bother trying to plan a party. They have proven in the past that they just cant be bothered with your birthday, what makes you think this will be any different. You’ll just be disappointed, yet again, at your family and friends for not making the effort for you. And yes I can relate. My birthday is July 7th. Every year my friends/family would have already gotten together for 4th of July, no one wanted to get together again 3 days later. So my birthday was either celebrated on the 4th or not at all. As an adult, I really could care less now. No one gives me a gift. If I want a cake, I have to buy my own. I’ve learned it doesnt really matter.
first of january birthday here. I feel you!
NTA. Graceful would be to make your partner’s birthday extra special this year too.
But then either you explain everything or nothing at all.
So it’s either take an army out for hundreds of dollars of food or do something just for you?
Spend a couple of hundred on yourself for sure, but take your wife out for a nice meal too.. doesn’t have to be stupidly extravagant.
NTA! You deserve it! Just keep it quiet so ur wife doesn’t potentially get upset about it. I think it’s a great idea!
YTA because you’re committing financial adultery (depending on how much you share finances with your wife) all because you have a chip on your shoulder that your mom didn’t properly celebrate your birthday over 20 years ago. Tell your wife you have thousands squirreled away and tell her specifically that you’d like to do use it to throw yourself a blowout 40th bday and work that out as a couple. Secretly spending hundreds* on yourself while fully admitting that as a household you can only afford small birthday celebrations is selfish behavior and makes you an awful partner.
*I misread, OP has thousands in a bank account that his wife doesn’t know about, but only wants to spend a few hundred on the bday. Doesn’t change my verdict or that he’s an AH for not telling his wife.
ESH
Hiding money in a relationship is very disrespectful. It would be better to let your wife know of the funds and your thoughts on how to spend. She doesn’t get to decide, but secrets like this are bad for a marriage.
Does your wife do nothing for your birthday? Special dinner? Gift? If you can’t rally your friends, it’s understandable that she couldn’t either, but is she really doing nothing?
Start a new tradition. Just you and your wife, a great early January outing. This could be the start of something really special. In lots of place, early January is a low tourist season, your dollars might stretch.
You’ve got a great opportunity, don’t blow it.
As a January baby myself I urge you to do you! I actually was talking about this very subject. We have always gotten the short stick! Live that day for you and the rest of us who get the short end. NTA
If you need permission, let me give it to you. You can celebrate your birthday however you’d like and spend as much as you can afford and would like to pay. I do recommend that you communicate clearly with your wife that you DO like to celebrate your birthday. Don’t blame her when she basically asked you about it. Advocate for yourself. You do nicely for her, she can also plan for you.
TREAT YO SELF!
How the heck does a parent forget their minor kid’s birthday ?? Your mum was there for goodness sakes. It always amazes me.
I have a daughter born December 23rd and we always insisted that it was seperate presents, no this is for your birthday and Christmas..
I would use it for birthdays for you, going forward every year.
And if anyone starts to step up, then invite them along on the fun bday celebration!
But… Maybe to feel better about it, only use the interest on outings? And the original amount can be used for something for the family.
Info: How do you get around tax implications and not tell your wife though?? I think you need to fess up and tell her the plans you have. If you are a joint household, you gotta tell her. Trust is important, so don’t hide stuff! But also tell her that you LOVE birthdays and you hate that your mom forgot, and no one else really cares about yours.
NtA for doing bday fun for you. Y.T.A for keeping info from wife if you do joint finances.
INFO: is your wife among those who have made little/no effort to plan a celebration for you?
YWNBTA if you celebrated by yourself but you should be upfront with your wife. And keep some of the windfall aside for her bday
go and treat yourself and your wife. spend money on a baby sitter, book a nice bed and breakfast, go get your groove backI’m sorry to hear your family, friends, and wife are forgetful about your birthday. My boyfriend isn’t one for celebrations, gifts, or holidays. It’s hard. I’ll tell you what I’m doing this year. I’m going to get my free drink at my favorite coffee shop, buying a new pair of my favorite lounge pants, and pre ordering myself a small cake. However, i am also planning to go out to eat at one of my favorite restaurants. I am extending the invite to my boyfriend. If he wants to come, great! if not, i still get my favorite meal. I’d at least extend the invite to your wife. It’ll save her from potentially being upset later and you still get to treat yourself.
ESH. YTA for not communicating with your wife about your needs, and instead harboring resentment. Your wife is TAH for assuming you don’t like to celebrate your birthday. Communicate! And don’t let resentment build.
I think your windfall is the money that was never spent by others to celebrate your birthday, karmically ending up in your possession.
Do with the money what nobody else did: give yourself a great birthday celebration, however you define that.
Do it. It’s also time your wife got a job.
ESH. I don’t understand people forgetting your birthday. My brother’s birthday falls the day after a major holiday and my fathers is bang in the middle of an important religious festival in our culture & we have always celebrated them just the same. I also have a friend whose birthday fell on the same day as a close cousin’s so her parents made a deal with her to celebrate her birthday on a different day every year (this was when she was a kid ofc, but she still celebrates her ‘unbirthday’ as her birthday now as an adult, and her family & friends do too). So your family, including your wife are the AHs for neglecting to celebrate you, obviously.
You are not TA for wanting to spend your windfall on yourself instead of on a group dinner but you are the AH on 2 counts – first, which I think someone has already said, its just AH behaviour to deliberately hide money from your spouse, especially if you have joint finances. Not just AH behaviour, it is also simply unhealthy for a relationship (and for finances). How would you feel if your wife came into an inheritance of some sort and hid it from you?
Second – literally just communicate with the people in your life that this bugs you, they are not mind readers? You are a grown adult, you should be able to say to your wife “hey, i know you think i don’t like to celebrate my birthday but actually it hurts me that no one does.” She’s your spouse, your chosen life partner, presumably you love and care for each other. I know its hard making yourself vulnerable by asking for what you need but the alternative is cutting off pieces of yourself and pretending they don’t exist? While secretly building up resentment for people not seeing them? Idk bro, feels like it’d be easier to just say hey can we make my birthday special this year. Its never been celebrated and it’d mean a lot to me if it were. Its not childish or silly to have needs and express them, or to want to celebrate your birthday.
My birthday is in late December, and I feel you. It always feels like too busy a time of year to really do anything. Growing up my sister often had family bbqs for her birthday, because ut was near a public holiday aswell. I always just wanted a bbq with the whole family around, but my birthday is a few days before christmas. I got a fair few birthday presents on christmas day
Of course my nearby aunts and uncles would usually pop in to give me a gift in the day, and I appreciate that they would always do that. My favourite uncle would phone us up every birthday and sing ‘happy birthday’ to us.
So, I often felt I missed out a little bit, due to the timing. But, I was lucky in that my family never forgot, and they did make efforts.
I’m stumped on a verdict. I think you are completely justified in wanting to take a few hundred dollars just for yourself. But hiding money from your spouse is not cool, even if you invested wisely, and had a big return on the money.
NTA for spending money on yourself for your bday (thats what I did this year!) but YTA for keeping money a secret from your spouse
NTA. But also Without knowing your financial situation it’s hard to say, but I’m not seeing why you can’t spend a few hundred on yourself AND take your wife or wife & kids to a nice dinner. I’m all about saving money to a point, but you can’t use it when you’re dead 🤷♀️