My SD (21) currently lives full time with my husband and I but is moving out in 6 weeks. However, she has not spoken to us in over 3 weeks due to the fact that we told her she can’t bring her step-sisters cat with her when she moves out. Our reasons were: it’s not her cat, she has not cared for the cat in any way (feeding, changing the litter etc) and although that cat is her favourite, it wouldn’t be fair to the cat since all it’s known is a full house with other animals, two of whom she is bonded to.
She got upset and used this as a reason to unleash on her father a tirade of all of his failings as a father going back to her early childhood. And how we don’t care about what she wants, needs, etc. This was all through text btw. We have tried to talk to her since but she has not even acknowledged our presence. During this time, we have continued to let her know when supper is ready, my husband makes her coffee in the morning and she continues to have full access to one of our cars. Basically enjoying all the perks of living under our roof but not having the common decency or maturity to have a minimal amount of respect for us.
I am now of two minds – either grin and bear it for the next 6 weeks or other than still providing a roof over her head, and food in the fridge, provide nothing else. No car, no coffee, no meals prepared for her. She wants to act like we don’t exist then she doesn’t need any of the benefits.
So…WIBTA if we stopped providing the “extras” for my SD?
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My SD (21) currently lives full time with my husband and I but is moving out in 6 weeks. However, she has not spoken to us in over 3 weeks due to the fact that we told her she can’t bring her step-sisters cat with her when she moves out. Our reasons were: it’s not her cat, she has not cared for the cat in any way (feeding, changing the litter etc) and although that cat is her favourite, it wouldn’t be fair to the cat since all it’s known is a full house with other animals, two of whom she is bonded to.
She got upset and used this as a reason to unleash on her father a tirade of all of his failings as a father going back to her early childhood. And how we don’t care about what she wants, needs, etc. This was all through text btw. We have tried to talk to her since but she has not even acknowledged our presence. During this time, we have continued to let her know when supper is ready, my husband makes her coffee in the morning and she continues to have full access to one of our cars. Basically enjoying all the perks of living under our roof but not having the common decency or maturity to have a minimal amount of respect for us.
I am now of two minds – either grin and bear it for the next 6 weeks or other than still providing a roof over her head, and food in the fridge, provide nothing else. No car, no coffee, no meals prepared for her. She wants to act like we don’t exist then she doesn’t need any of the benefits.
So…WIBTA if we stopped providing the “extras” for my SD?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to stop providing my step daughter with benefits of living with us. It would make me the asshole because she would be the only person in the house who would not have the same benefits as everyone else.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. No need to go out of your way for her at this point.
I agree with you, but I think this one is for your hubby. It’s his daughter, it’s almost over… Let him call this one I think.
Do exactly what you said 👍🏼👍🏼
strategize on how to handle her reactions.
It’s a good thing to have the opportunity to realize people have limits on how they will be treated.
How does your husband feel about your not continue to pamper his daughter (who’s not speaking to either one of you because you refuse to let her steal her sister’s cat)? Is he also fed up with her behavior, or is he afraid of losing her altogether and fears that slamming down the lid on her rudeness will cause her to go NC with him? For the sake of your marriage, I hope that you can get on the same page vis-a-vis not providing her with all the comforts of home when she won’t even speak to you.
So no, you would be NTA if you stopped acting like your ungrateful SD’s personal maid and cook, but it would really be best is you can get your husband on board as well. Otherwise your SD will pull out all the stops in an attempt to manipulate him into spoiling her and breaking up with you.
NTA however I think your husband has to make the final decision since he’s her dad he needs to be on board 100% or else your step daughter might take this anger out on you next.
YWBTA, it’s your husband’s choice how he manages his relationship with his daughter.
Stay out of it.
If he’s still making her coffee and letting her have his car you are on your own.
If she feels hurt from failings from before you were around it doesn’t seem like you should insert yourself. 6 weeks is a very short time and reacting seems petty and childish at this point.
She obviously doesn’t find food or transportation are reasonable substitutes for what she feels like her father has withheld from her in the past. If you’re interested in affecting useful change, I’d start with your husband and check in on how he is feeling and how you can help him through the next 6 weeks. It honestly doesn’t even sound like her grievances are with you.
nta, but first i suggest you and your husband have a conversation with her. explain that you love her and you know she loves the cat. tell her this isn’t because you don’t think she wouldnt be able to care for the cat but because it simply wouldn’t be good for the cat. show her a video about how bonded cats can go into depression when separated and how change is very hard for cats to handle because they are creatures of habit that need routine. if this is clearly her sisters cat then you should also explain that this wouldn’t be fair to her sister.
if you think she would do well with a cat or would be responsible enough to own one + have the money to pay for the costs associated with having an animal then tell her that once she’s settled in and gotten used to her new routine that you’ll consider getting her one for christmas or her birthday. however if this is something she wants then for the next six weeks of living with you she needs to show responsibility and her love of animals by cleaning all the cats litter boxes, feeding them, refilling their waters, playing with them etc. if she’s able to show responsibility and is willing to watch some youtube videos with you on cats, their behaviour, and their needs as well as what it means to be a good pet owner then you’d be willing to get her a cat at christmas/her birthday assuming she has adjusted well to living on her own. if her birthday is in the next few months though i would suggest choosing christmas as i think it would be best for her to settle in and get used to being fully independent as well as to realize the costs of living on her own so she can better assess if having an animal right now is actually what she wants.
if she’s not receptive to this then she isn’t, there isn’t much you can do. personally i don’t think there is anything wrong with hiding your car keys, not notifying her when dinner is ready or even telling her to make her own meals and buy her own groceries for the remaining six weeks if she wants to continue to be immature and rude. i do think you should extend one last olive branch first though and that you should also be receptive if she comes to you during the six weeks to apologize.
i’ve read way too many posts about someone stealing someone else’s pet and this post is giving off a few red flags. does your daughter have a set move out date and will you + your husband be helping her move? do you know her new address? i worry about her trying to take the cat with her anyways or even just spitefully letting the cat out or bringing it to a shelter. if this is a concern at all/i were you i would consider boarding the cat at a kitty hotel for the week leading up to her move just to be safe. you don’t have to mention this to anyone, i would just say that you took the cat to the vets for a routine checkup and that they noticed some abnormalities so they’re keeping him/her overnight for a few days to monitor. try to word it in a way to where nobody thinks the cat is going to die though. you could even say that at the checkup they noticed that the spay/neuter wasn’t done correctly so he/she has had to be respayed/reneutered. this way your step daughter doesn’t think you’re accusing her of being a cat thief and your other step daughter doesn’t think her cat is dying.
In my opinion, giving the silent treatment when you don’t get your way is quite toxic & can even be downright abusive. I think that you and your husband would be well within your right to exercise some consequences, but as everyone else has said, your husband needs to be on board with the decision and make the final call.
When I left home as a teen, I left behind my cat that a loved very much because I recognized that moving him to a brand new place would be quite traumatic for him and it wasn’t worth it. This isn’t even her cat; she can still interact with it when she visits home.
And when she is financially ready, she can get her own cat.
Its youre own decision?
Fastforward: everything in this world you have lots of money, car,yatch, 3 big houses,power .but 100 percent you are not happy
Start the new nagging with our family, we dont have enough money we are together to helping each other
I do really miss too you so much…
NO – Out your foot down, if she can’t be civil, she does not get the perks of living in your house on your dime. How is going to live in the real world when she does not get her way.
No judgement but if the cat is not chipped get them all chipped, so you have proof of ownership in case she tries to take it.
YTA for the use of ‘insisted’ when talking about how your partner will treat his own daughter.
Your husband needs to be the primary decision-maker when it comes to his own daughter here.
Talk through your concerns and ideas. Tell him you’ll no longer be providing any extras – and if it’s your car she’s using, include that. But provide him with the space to make his own call.
I strongly agree with you, she doesn’t get to use you guys and benefit from it while treating you like crap. You can’t force husband to do it, but you can talk to him about it.
Make sure the cat is chipped or tattooed to prove ownership in case the spoiled brat steals it
Your husband is the one that has to have the talk. He needs to tell her that as of now, she has no car, no coffee no treats, just the bare minimum.
Edit. NTA.
Not your daughter. Stay out of it.
WNBTA. This reminds me of a post where the ah stepkids screamed at SM that she wasn’t their mother so she could just f off. The next morning she cooked breakfast for her two bio kids, only did her and bio kids laundry. She did nothing for stepkids or husband because he would not back her up. They did end up divorced because he just wanted a bang-maid.
You need to get on the same page with your husband. Do not stand for the disrespect. She treats you like you don’t exist then don’t. No cooking, cleaning or car.
NTA if y’all stop doing these things for her, she’s made a decision on how she’ll behave and our decisions have consequences we live with. Be careful please in your communication with your husband about this though, your post title sounds like you want to issue an ultimatum to your husband and ultimatums rarely go well.
As everyone’s saying, it depends on what her father says.
But if he agrees, that then depends on what you want.
If you wanna revel in her crashing and burning fantastically when she’s out, grin and bear it. It will make the fall all the sweeter.
If you don’t think you’d enjoy that, you could start giving her ‘real world’ experiences/consequences now.
However, another thing you should discuss with your husband is what life will look like when she leaves. Because I guarantee that when she gets out there and realises life ain’t so cushy any more, she’s gonna try to get things from you. Have you do her laundry, have you clean for her, provide her with food, be constantly ‘dropping over randomly’ for meals, etc. So talk to your husband about what you will and will not allow her to lean on you guys for. Include a money conversation in that. Frame it as “I have all faith in her, but life can be merciless and take a helluva twist at times, so what are we willing to provide financially and when, should it be requested?” Also under what, if any, circumstances you’d be willing to take her back in.
Not sure how to vote this because you should really talk to your husband before you decide what to do going forward.
It is a complex situation in which you need to take into account the long-term ramifications. You are the only one with those details. But me? I would say something about it the first second it started. But that is my style. I like to confront situations before they get out of hand. This works with some people and not others.
NTA. Absolutely not.
This is called biting the hand that feeds. Let her really understand what this means.
She’ll understand right quick what living on your own feels like, and then she’ll go do it. She can make her own coffee, get her own rides, do chores as if it were her own place, make her own meals, clean her own dishes after. Heck- throw her a utility bill.
You do not cut your nose off in spite of your face. She has fucked around and she’s about to find out and I think it’s a good time for her to do it while she’s still at home. Lessons are better learned while still on the care of people who actually do love you, regardless.of what a shit she’s being, y’all will still look out for her well being.. that’s really the whole point. This will be a lesson well learned.
NTA and actually, she cannot go and stay with her mom. And microchip the cat to your name.
You do u BUT dtay out of the relationship between hubby and his daughter. YTA is u try to insist hubby doesnt do for daughter that between them.
There seems to be inderground stuff and YOU are not part of that.