Me (17m) and my girlfriend (19f) have been together for over a year. We live about 16 or 17 minutes apart. She works four days a week (about five minutes from her house) and commutes twenty minutes to college four days a week. I’m still in high school and only work on Saturdays because I’m busy with sports and extracurriculars. She has a couple thousand in savings and over $1000 in her checking account. I don’t make nearly as much since I only work once a week. I’ve got around $400 in checking and about $300 in savings. (I just started this job in April.) So yeah, she definitely has more money than I do.
I’m planning to get my license in a couple of months and save up for a car. She knew I didn’t have my license when we started dating. For a while it wasn’t a big deal, but since the summer she’s been complaining more and more about driving. She’s even asked if my dad could bring me to her house sometimes instead. Occasionally he’ll take me over, but he’s not thrilled about it. He’s kind of traditional and thinks it’s weird that she wants him to drive me when she works, has money, and her parents help her out sometimes. When he’s busy and says no, she gets kind of irritated or moody about it.
Recently, she’s started asking me for gas money. It began when we’d go somewhere like twenty minutes away from our houses. She wouldn’t ask for a specific amount, but she’d make it clear she expected something. At first I was confused and wondered if this was normal (I’d still pay though). I always try to pay for food, and I’ve bought her clothes, movie tickets, and gifts.
Lately, if she wants to do something like go to the mall, she’ll say, “I want to go, but I don’t want to pick you up unless your dad can or unless you give me money.” It affects her mood if she has to drive anywhere that’s not just to my house and doesn’t get gas money or help. She did this on our one-year anniversary, and I was like, “The one day you decide to ask me for gas money is our anniversary?” and it turned into a whole thing.
We’ve never gone anywhere farther than about an hour. During the school year we usually only see each other three days a week, and two of those are her picking me up from school, which is five minutes from her house. Some people have told me I shouldn’t be paying her just for these short trips. Honestly, it’s starting to make me feel bad, like I have to pay just to hang out with her. I do get where she’s coming from sometimes, but after the anniversary thing, it started to feel off. If she really wanted to see me, I feel like she wouldn’t make a big deal about money or rides, or get upset if neither happens.
She really wants things to be 50/50 between her driving and my dad helping, but I have siblings and my dad’s not always free. Also, her car gets around 18 MPG. So yeah, what do you guys think?
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Me (17m) and my girlfriend (19f) have been together for over a year. We live about 16 or 17 minutes apart. She works four days a week (about five minutes from her house) and commutes twenty minutes to college four days a week. I’m still in high school and only work on Saturdays because I’m busy with sports and extracurriculars. She has a couple thousand in savings and over $1000 in her checking account. I don’t make nearly as much since I only work once a week. I’ve got around $400 in checking and about $300 in savings. (I just started this job in April.) So yeah, she definitely has more money than I do.
I’m planning to get my license in a couple of months and save up for a car. She knew I didn’t have my license when we started dating. For a while it wasn’t a big deal, but since the summer she’s been complaining more and more about driving. She’s even asked if my dad could bring me to her house sometimes instead. Occasionally he’ll take me over, but he’s not thrilled about it. He’s kind of traditional and thinks it’s weird that she wants him to drive me when she works, has money, and her parents help her out sometimes. When he’s busy and says no, she gets kind of irritated or moody about it.
Recently, she’s started asking me for gas money. It began when we’d go somewhere like twenty minutes away from our houses. She wouldn’t ask for a specific amount, but she’d make it clear she expected something. At first I was confused and wondered if this was normal (I’d still pay though). I always try to pay for food, and I’ve bought her clothes, movie tickets, and gifts.
Lately, if she wants to do something like go to the mall, she’ll say, “I want to go, but I don’t want to pick you up unless your dad can or unless you give me money.” It affects her mood if she has to drive anywhere that’s not just to my house and doesn’t get gas money or help. She did this on our one-year anniversary, and I was like, “The one day you decide to ask me for gas money is our anniversary?” and it turned into a whole thing.
We’ve never gone anywhere farther than about an hour. During the school year we usually only see each other three days a week, and two of those are her picking me up from school, which is five minutes from her house. Some people have told me I shouldn’t be paying her just for these short trips. Honestly, it’s starting to make me feel bad, like I have to pay just to hang out with her. I do get where she’s coming from sometimes, but after the anniversary thing, it started to feel off. If she really wanted to see me, I feel like she wouldn’t make a big deal about money or rides, or get upset if neither happens.
She really wants things to be 50/50 between her driving and my dad helping, but I have siblings and my dad’s not always free. Also, her car gets around 18 MPG. So yeah, what do you guys think?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think not giving her gas money might be an asshole move because I know I rely on her to pick me up. I’m also feeling a bit of pressure as the man in the relationship to provide for her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
No in is the AH here. You guys are in different places in life. When someone drives you places, you give them gas money. It doesn’t matter how much money they have vs how much you have.
Need more information. Are you two splitting the check on the dates or are you covering them?
Most likely NTA though. This seems petty.
Why is a college student dating a high-school student. That’s crazy to me
It is inconvenient to date someone without a car. I would focus on getting your own vehicle.
NAH it’s a difficult position to be in for a few reasons, you don’t have the money to be giving her gas money every time you hang out, it’s not wrong to chip in for gas when one person does all the driving, but getting moody when it doesn’t happen is kinda shitty. Overall you’re both young kids and she’s experiencing one of the realities of adult life, gas prices. Especially at 18MPG she’s definitely gonna be feeling it. Best solution for you is to try to get your license ASAP so you can share some of that driving load. Communicate how the situation makes you feel, listen to and acknowledge how she feels, let her know what you want to/plan to do about it
NTA
You live 15 minutes apart, and even when she drives you it isn’t far. If you give her $10 for gas that’s 3 gallons (east coast), and would pay for more gas than she’s using with you.
You’re still in high school and you work one day a week. Her expectations for what you can afford are not realistic. But she is probably feeling the pressure of paying for college.
Break up.
ESH
Why is she dating a guy that young. She shouldn’t date an underaged person, no one should.
The fact that she earns more than you, doesn’t intitle you to free rides whenever. You are able to use a buss, tram, train, subway, whatever you have there. You want to save, maybe she wants too. Maybe she feels like a mom having to chauffeur you around when she doesn’t want to.
Of course you can say no to giving her gas money, she can also say no to driving you around.
ESH. I say this as a 34yo who still doesn’t have her license.
Gas is expensive, and frequent little trips build up on gas usage quickly. I think it’s fair she doesn’t want to be the only one providing money on travel for the both of you all the time, especially if you are going to her house or she is picking you up from school.
You can’t use buying her gifts or paying for some dates as an excuse not to pay for gas, though. I think to make it more even, perhaps you could discuss a more even split of paying for dates or doing things that are free. She can’t expect you to pay for gas and all of the dates.
When I was dating, I would either get a lift off my mum/dad or use public transport. If my partner came and got me to go to their house, I would give them gas money. It’s not fair for my partner to constantly be the one paying the extra money on gas on top of dates. We would also take turns paying for dates. Or like, if we went to the movies, one of us would get the tickets and the other would get the snacks. It was more even.
Geez, break up. She does know you’re in school right?
I’ve struggled financially for a large part of my life and still would never dream of asking anyone for gas money in almost any situation. Maybe that’s why I’m broke 🤔🤪 But more importantly someone in college shouldn’t be hustling a boy two years younger than him and his Dad for drives and gas money. I get that going through post secondary is financially stressful but it sounds like you two are just at very incompatible stages in life. If this continues, how will it affect your goals for the future and getting to college (if that’s your path). It sounds like you care about each other but are holding each other back. Nobody is the AH here, it’s just the growing pains of life and relationships 💛
Yta
I don’t see this as money, but time.
If she comes to pick you up to go to hers, it’s a 30-40 min round trip, then if she needs to drop you off, that’s over an hour driving each day.
Should you have to pay to see your partner – yes, adults pay to do pretty much everything. Even if they move in together they’ll need to pay for the roof over their heads.
It feels like you’re coming from a very ‘young’ place and are not able to understand how it feels to be 19 yet. Fair enough, you’re not 19, you couldn’t really understand.
Arguing over this is likely going to end the relationship. So decide if this is the hill you want to die on.
Also – could you get a pushbike and cycle there sometimes? Yes, it would take longer, but would show her that you’re willing to pull your weight.
ESH. If you’re paying for all of the dates, then she doesn’t really need the gas money. But I think you should push your dad to give you a ride more often. It can be time-consuming and annoying for your girlfriend to always go out of her way to pick you up.
YTA – maybe I am biased but when I was that young I was the one driving everyone around. Everyone chipped in for gas. A few bucks for the trip. If gas is $5 a gallon and she is driving you back and forth 3x a week give her $5 – 10. There is wear and tear on her car plus the gas. I think it is only right. Or uber to and from her house if your parents can’t drive you.
NTA. Your dad isn’t dating her, and shouldn’t be driving or picking her up like a chauffeur. If she doesn’t have the money to pay for her own vehicle and gas, she needs to ask her own parents for money or a ride, or you need to go get her. It’s not your dad’s responsibility to make sure you two go on dates together or that your GF has a ride….you two need to figure that out but your GF has put him in the middle. IMHO I think she’s using you for rides or gas money to get out of her house, and she sounds very immature for her age. You deserve better.
NTA This is weird… You guys aren’t going very far and yeah if she wanted to see you it wouldn’t be a big deal. I could see asking to chip in once in a while for multiple trips but idk something about this situation is off. The age gap isn’t huge but it’s definitely a bit strange.
NTA, but quit messing around with this girl and go do your homework.
She asked you for money for the car ride to the date that you were paying 100% for?
Another thing… I don’t believe in 50/50 in a relationship. I believe in helping each other when we have different circumstances in life.
So is she willing to pay for her own food, clothes, and movie tickets? I’d say talk to her and come to an understanding of what 50/50 means to you both. If you can agree on that, and you’re both willing, great.
If she means she wants you to keep buying the food, movie tickets, gifts, AND chip in 50/50 for gas money, and you don’t think that’s fair, then it’s probably better to put this relationship on hold.
It’s not about who has worked longer or who has more savings or any of that. She’s older, she’s had more time to work and save, and the only people whose opinions over the fairness of it is yours and hers. Bottom line, she wants more than she’s getting. If you guys can’t talk about it and come to an understanding that makes the two of you feel like you’re both getting what you want and need and not fostering resentment, then you’re in for a bumpy ride, regardless of who’s paying for the gas.
NAH. You just need to figure it out together, even if that means you don’t stay together.
NTA. She should be dating an adult, not a kid in high school, if she wants someone who can share adult responsibilities like driving and money with her.
NAH, Really, but if your gf wants someone to act like a grown man she should find one to date. She can’t literally date a high school guy and expect him to contribute equally.
You should also consider finding someone that is at the same place in life.
Get a new girlfriend.
It’s tough. When you’re in different stages of your life at the moment. Regardless, if you wanted to go somewhere with your friends, wouldn’t your dad take you or give you gas $? Why is it different with your girlfriend? She is getting a lot of wear and tear on her car and the gas mileage is poor but yet you say you are paying for things. It sucks that money has become an issue. Have you talked to her about it? Maybe she feels it’s not balanced.
NTA
I don’t get why people are saying YTA. If this was your friend, yes absolutely but as partners, no. She works more, has a car, and therefore has the means to pay it and from what’s described here, to her it seems like a chore to see you. I don’t see why she’s coming at you when you only work one day and you pay 100% of the dates. I wouldn’t pay her gas money, if she wanted to be taken care of she shouldn’t be dating a high schooler and expect to have everything comped, she’s weird for that.