So I’ve been with my fiance “Cherry” for almost 5 yrs now. She has a son “Kevin” who’s 15 from her previous marriage. Kevin originally primarily lived with his dad because Cherry was in the army until about 2 years ago. Kevin was really close with his dad. His dad practically lived at his football practices and came to every game and they would constantly go to games.. He even volunteered as assistant coach when he could.That was until sometime over the summer his dad caught him and one of his teammates kissing.
Let’s just say Kevin’s dad didn’t take it at all well.. He basically shut the kid out which was really hard on Kevin. It got to a point where he was on a psych hold for a bit. Since he’s been living with me and Cherry way more now I’ve been trying to connect with him more not trying to be his dad but be supportive. I took him to a couple games tried to hangout with him. I’ try to compliment the kid boost his head back up a little stuff like how well he did in a game or how much hes lifting now.
Problem is I think he’s developed umm a bit of a crush and it’s gotten pretty akward.. He’s always blushing rounded me especially if I say something positive or I’m finding random small gifts and tokens of affection. Like for instance he found some old rare baseball card for me that I told him about once..I’m also pretty sure he stole some of my underwear because he suddenly switched to a “similar style” of boxerbriefs when he still generally wears tightywhities. I haven’t brought this up to his mom and I dont know how to. I definitely dont know how to talk to the kid about it. I was thinking if maybe I put some distance between us for a little while and just kinda slow down on spending as much time with him he’ll just get over it. Though I also don’t want to come off like I’m pushing him away like his dad. WIBTA?
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So I’ve been with my fiance “Cherry” for almost 5 yrs now. She has a son “Kevin” who’s 15 from her previous marriage. Kevin originally primarily lived with his dad because Cherry was in the army until about 2 years ago. Kevin was really close with his dad. His dad practically lived at his football practices and came to every game and they would constantly go to games.. He even volunteered as assistant coach when he could.That was until sometime over the summer his dad caught him and one of his teammates kissing.
Let’s just say Kevin’s dad didn’t take it at all well.. He basically shut the kid out which was really hard on Kevin. It got to a point where he was on a psych hold for a bit. Since he’s been living with me and Cherry way more now I’ve been trying to connect with him more not trying to be his dad but be supportive. I took him to a couple games tried to hangout with him. I’ try to compliment the kid boost his head back up a little stuff like how well he did in a game or how much hes lifting now.
Problem is I think he’s developed umm a bit of a crush and it’s gotten pretty akward.. He’s always blushing rounded me especially if I say something positive or I’m finding random small gifts and tokens of affection. Like for instance he found some old rare baseball card for me that I told him about once..I’m also pretty sure he stole some of my underwear because he suddenly switched to a “similar style” of boxerbriefs when he still generally wears tightywhities. I haven’t brought this up to his mom and I dont know how to. I definitely dont know how to talk to the kid about it. I was thinking if maybe I put some distance between us for a little while and just kinda slow down on spending as much time with him he’ll just get over it. Though I also don’t want to come off like I’m pushing him away like his dad. WIBTA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Pushing him away like his dad did .. possibly causing another “episode”. Derailing his mental health again..
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
There’s a lot of landmines here. I think you’d want the professional feedback of a therapist who can help him through this. Just make sure the therapist is aware of your concerns. I’m on the fence about telling his mom since the last thing he needs is more parental alienation (again, talk to the therapist). Maybe part of the answer is her spending more time with him.
YWBTA if you just distance yourself from Kevin.
He’s had an absolutely horrid time, experiencing bigotry and abandonment from his Dad and developing severe mental health issues as a result.
If you care about him then you need to talk to his mother and speak to a professional about how to handle this. This is probably a confused attachment of some sort because of everything he has been through and the fact that you are showing interest and support. You will destroy him if you just back away and don’t find a healthy way to address this.
Is this real?
Talk with his mom and a professional.
This is so beyond reddit’s pay grade. You need to tell Mom (you know, your fiance) about what is going on here. And you need to be talking to a therapist ASAP.
By moving away, it will seem like you are doing the same thing as the father.
I suggest you take him to a professional so he can recognize and understand his sexuality,Since he was doing it secretly and that causes trauma, this way he will be able to develop better and not confuse good treatment with flirting since that can happen a lot, Don’t talk to his mother yet, tell her to take him to a specialist since he may have trauma due to his father’s detachment,Talk to him and tell him that you don’t want to take his father’s place, but you want to have a healthy relationship since you are his mother’s partner, and you want to be a family.
As mentioned get professional advice. But tbh Hes likely not got a romantic crush but definitely reaching out in a way that shows how much he’s begging for affection from a male in his life
YWBTA if you abandon this kid. Here the thing. You need bigger help but also you could be getting in your head about it because he is a gay. The thing is a boy needs a man to idolize and look up too. It’s not gay or a crush – it’s part of growing up. It can be a parent or a teacher, a coach, a celebrity, we always look to what we could be. You didn’t run when he came out. You appear to have accepted him. So he wants to be like you. He feels comfortable with you. That being said you need to be a strong boundary parent because you aren’t related. It’s reminding him really nicely he’s a great son, that you are so happy to be with his mom because you love her and get to be his extra dad too!
But also it could be a crush so really you need help from a professional and let his mom in on how you are feeling. But know it’s normal. You aren’t upset it’s an honour to be his role model but don’t want boundaries crossed
He is mixed up right now. His life has been turned upside down. I think that instead of running away, you need to have a talk with him about how concerned you are with his random small gifts and actions and that you see him as your fiancee’s son. If you can do it in front of his therapist, I think that may help him realize that he should see you as a parental figure and not a romantic one. Also you should tell his mother what is happening. I bet that you are not the first step-parent whose step child has had a crush on them but given the trauma that this kid has already gone through, isolating him would just make it worse.
You should have an honest talk with the kid, and probably set some boundaries and get your fiancée in on it. Teenagers to weird/stupid things, but this might be something to nip in the bud.
YWBTA if you pulled away. A teenager blushing is normal, so is imitating an adult they admire. Did it occur to you that the baseball card was way to say thank you ? This young man needs stability. Learn more about teenagers who have been abandoned by their parents before you decide what this behavior means.
I think he’s looking for male affection/energy. Just imagine what is going through that young man’s mind right now, he essentially lost his dad’s respect, and his hormones are at their peak right now. I think you should have a 1 on 1 with him to put everything on the table, perhaps this would be better with a professional like many mentioned, but I just feel like going through a therapist to talk about this would not end well for you guys’ relationship, he’ll feel like you’re putting his feelings on blast, mom will know about it, dad will know about it, a stranger will know about it, too much for him to handle right now imo, I think it should be handled more discreetly. You should tell mom about it so she’s in the know, but she shouldn’t bring it up to him.
Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Maybe he just really likes you being his step dad. This might be weird but is it abnormal for young girls to develop crush’s on men their mom’s date. I wouldn’t take it too personally as long as he doesn’t act on it in any inappropriate way. 100% you need to mention you thoughts to his mom tho.
Oh baby this is above our pay grade but you absolutely need to talk to your fiance. You WBTA if you did anything without talking to her.
If Kevin was on a psych hold for a bit I assume he’s seeing a therapist. If not then he needs to be to talk to someone about what insecurities he may be facing. You can bring these concerns up to a therapist and have them talk to Kevin to find out what’s going on. You may be able to go to a session with Kevin so the therapist can speak to you both about how to approach the situation.
I also want to praise you on your willingness to step up and accept Kevin for who he is and try to be there for him. Not everyone would do that, but I’m very glad you are.
YTA. It’s a crush directed at a completely inappropriate target because you are safe and nothing will ever happen. You wouldn’t put an 11-year-old girl on the pill because she has a crush on a boyband member. He knows you’re not gay, he’s not going to act on it. Don’t be another rejection. Don’t embarrass him. Don’t change a thing.
YWBTA.
I think you’re misconstruing his behavior.
The thing this kid is craving MOST in his world right now is the approval and love of a father figure.
Is it possible his head is confused and he’s simultaneously confusing his feelings? I suppose. You know what’s statistically more likely? A straight person assuming the queer person they have a close relationship with has a thing for them.
It’s very possible that despite all your wonderful intentions that you have some internalized homophobia that is causing you to view things through a lens of paranoia. It’s like how guys often think a girl is flirting with him when she’s in fact just being polite…except there’s a homophobic element.
The kid deciding to wear a similar type of underwear as you falls more into the pattern of hero worship than a crush. The fact that you just assume he’s stolen some of your underwear is WILD. Like do you have any other reason to believe that other than he is now wearing the same kind as you?
I would bet that his bio dad wore the type of underwear he was previously wearing.
I only used pads for many years because that’s what my mom used and had around. It wasn’t until I moved in with a roommate who used tampons that I decided to give them a try and decided I preferred them. I promise it had nothing to do with being attracted to her.
Maybe the “blushing” you’re perceiving is actually normal social anxiety level nervousness more akin to hero worship. If this kid so desperately craves your approval as his new father figure, it makes sense that he would be nervous and shy about receiving compliments from you compared to your wife or someone else.
Maybe put some emphasis on spending time as a family, rather than one-on-one, for a few weeks while you continue to assess the situation. Stop jumping to conclusions, though. This kid is dealing with enough homophobia right now.