Hi, 25F here of mixed-Asian ethnicity.
I escaped a while back from my narcissistic parents after 23+ years of abuse. They stole my entire savings of $6K in retaliation to keep me from leaving. Which forced me to couch-surf for months, as I didn’t had any money to get my own place any more.
I have been working multiple jobs just to get food on the table, and afford basic necessities. But still struggling a lot, as I have a lot of health issue due to years of trauma.
So recently, I asked a maternal aunt to help me a bit so that I can afford medical treatment and get back on my feet sooner. Upon sharing my concerns, she started preaching about her natural remedies, colour therapies, healing numbers, and some other stuff. I didn’t paid much attention, as she initially did indicated that she was willing to help me.
Today, she sent me this text:
“Good evening, my child. Have you bought the colours and using them? Could you get the print out of the numbers I sent?”
I’am sitting here, fuming on an empty stomach, as I barely get to eat. I don’t have a place to stay, functioning on one meal, barely affording to get by, as I’am also paying off my student loans. And this is what she sends me. Asking me to colour my nails with markers as colour therapy, and stick papers on walls with ‘healing numbers’ written on them. This lady worked as an Army medic. She’s the last person I expected to be this tone-deaf.
Is my anger justified? I feel shattered from inside. I never caught a single break in my entire living life. My body is covered in scars, my mind is full of painful memories. It’s only so much you can take, for so long.
Would I be the AH, if I tell my aunt off?
Edit: I never had any deep connection with my extended family. Reason being that I was strategically isolated from the outside world, with no friends or support. Which is very common in narcissistic abuse. After I left their place a while ago, nobody called to check up on me. Including this aunt. People in the comments are asking me not to cut her off, but there’s no connection to begin with.
I was very straightforward with her when I asked for help. I shared how I’am struggling to put food on the table, getting to eat one meal a day at noon or night. I shared how of late, my legs getting are wobbly when I stand for too long. I feel something’s wrong inside, but can’t afford to go to doctors for treatment. I was very specific with the help I asked for.
Some commenters also asked about spending habits. I’am very frugal, and have been surviving on beans and rice. I don’t spend any money other than the most basic of needs like toothpaste, toothbrush, soap, detergent, etc. And have been using clothes which some aquaintances were kind enough to give me. They were usuable after I patched up the holes, & did a few minor repairs.
Sometimes, I wonder if they care whether I’am alive or not. I’am a very patient person, and barely loose my cool. But today was a breaking point for me. Which is why I came here to look for answers.
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Hi, 25F here of mixed-Asian ethnicity.
I escaped a while back from my narcissistic parents after 23+ years of abuse. They stole my entire savings of $6K in retaliation to keep me from leaving. Which forced me to couch-surf for months, as I didn’t had any money to get my own place any more.
I have been working multiple jobs just to get food on the table, and afford basic necessities. But still struggling a lot, as I have a lot of health issue due to years of trauma.
So recently, I asked a maternal aunt to help me a bit so that I can afford medical treatment and get back on my feet sooner. Upon sharing my concerns, she started preaching about her natural remedies, colour therapies, healing numbers, and some other stuff. I didn’t paid much attention, as she initially did indicated that she was willing to help me.
Today, she sent me this text:
“Good evening, my child. Have you bought the colours and using them? Could you get the print out of the numbers I sent?”
I’am sitting here, fuming on an empty stomach, as I barely get to eat. I don’t have a place to stay, functioning on one meal, barely affording to get by, as I’am also paying off my student loans. And this is what she sends me. Asking me to colour my nails with markers as colour therapy, and stick papers on walls with ‘healing numbers’ written on them. This lady worked as an Army medic. She’s the last person I expected to be this tone-deaf.
Is my anger justified? I feel shattered from inside. I never caught a single break in my entire living life. My body is covered in scars, my mind is full of painful memories. It’s only so much you can take, for so long.
Would I be the AH, if I tell my aunt off?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. Tell her off why? She’s trying to help. It sounds like you’re looking for a free ride. You hoped she’d offer to take care of you. That’s not her responsibility. You aren’t entitled to that. You are 25. Don’t expect people to take care of you. Seek counseling, do what you need to do to get your life in order. Stop looking for handouts.
My dad was like that with husband got MS. I had to just ignore it or say sorry don’t have the funds to buy whatever special thing he said. Tbh I don’t think it’s gonna do any good to go off on her she is helping how she knows (abiet we disagree) but I think you asked the wrong person for help.
I wish you the best
You feel a lot of anger and pain right now and it’s not right to release that all on one person. In her mind she’s trying to help, you could tell her that it wouldn’t benefit you right now, but I think you’d regret “telling her off”
No judgement available here, OP, You’re in the right thinking this woman is useless, but mostly because your aunt has to be incredibly blinded by her own world to not be able to see what your world is like and what you actually physically need. Is there A-holery in telling her off? Does she deserve it or is she just silly? Only you know the actual context around her thoughts and decisions here.
Is it OK to tell her off? It depends on your aunt here, actually. If she honestly believes in that stuff, then suggesting it and following up with you is a form of care. It’s not helpful, because you don’t believe in it, but if she does believe that this is what you need, she isn’t doing anything morally wrong here. She’s offering you what she believes is best for you, and while it’s not helpful, it’s not harmful either.
On the other hand, if you believe that your aunt is a person like your mother who does not care about you and is suggesting these things as ways to get you off her back without offering you any support, then while she deserves telling off, I would also recommend just ignoring her and not wasting your energy on it. It would surprise me if you thought she was like your mother or father though, since you are contacting her for help and had some hopes that she might come through.
NAH
While you have a right to be angry and indignant, she may be trying to help you as she sees best. If you approach her with a mutual respect and nuance, and explain to her how she’s making you feel, then neither of you are the AH, but if by “tell off” you mean that you want to confront her, then you might be a bit of the AH
Pretend you’re doing that stuff or say you need money to buy it and use the money for treatment.
Honestly though if you desperately need medicine or treatment you might have to go on public assistance or go back to your parents
I think she loves you and believes her solutions will help you. Be careful not to misplace your anger at your parents onto her. Most people who have not endured the abuse you have can truly understand what it’s like and how badly a childhood of abuse damages us at the very foundations of our existence. Can you reach out to local victims’ advocacy groups, local women’s shelter, etc. Many of these places/groups can help you find the support and therapy you need so badly. Hugs.
NTA
But it’s not worth your time
Block her and move on
Sorry you’re going through this. Explain that you are thankful for her assistance, but that will not help me right now. Maybe when I get on my feet, I’ll look into it.
Your parents stole your savings? Was it in a bank account with them listed on it? Was it a savings you had in your room?
Either way, I would be filing a police report.
>I was very straightforward with her when I asked for help.
INFO: So you explicitly asked for money in the discussion? And she agreed to give you money?
I’m sorry for everything youre going through. As for your Aunt you’re justified for feeling frustrated, but in her mind she’s trying to help. Try to have a conversation with her about moving towards different treatment and explain your frustrations of it not working along side your lack of funds makes it hard to explore this holistic side with her. You need to get better and quick so you can get back on your feet and independent. If she doesn’t listen to you and brushes you off then shes the AH, if you jump the gun and explode on her without her knowing how you feel then you might become the AH. Also, the quickest way I’ve ever found to build up savings is to find a busy bar or restaurant and start working for tips. You can easily make 6k a month working in a busy spot. Just putting that out there, I hope you get back on your feet soon.
NTA. Asking for real help and getting a DIY magic spell kit instead is beyond frustrating. It’s okay to be mad—hunger and exhaustion don’t mix well with nonsense.
First of all, sorry you got trapped by your narcissist parents, and they stole your money, that really blows and I feel for you. Secondly, YTA for sure, your aunt is trying to be nice. If she has the means to help you, ask her nicely and earnestly for the EXACT things you need help with. Swallow your pride and say you are having money and health problems and need financial help to get back on your feet, and you can have a conversation about it. Then she can make an informed decision about whether or not to help you. Also tell her you had 6K saved and your parents stole it if you haven’t, at the very least it should help explain your position, and there is a non-zero chance she will yell at whichever of your parents is her sibling and shame them for it.
Beyond that, if you are 25 and broke, you probably need to find roommates to split rent with if you ever hope to gain any forward momentum financially. It is also a good idea to absolutely minimize your spending. I’m talking no eating out, 80% of your calories from rice/other cheap carbs type stuff, until you can save up a little money and get back on your feet. I lived off rice with various sauces for like 3 months once saving for a downpayment. And heck half the time it was some form of curry so I wasn’t even mad about it bc curry is one of my favorite things anyway. I did miss having heavy protein as the main part of my dishes sometimes, but ya gotta do what you gotta do. But after cutting out my bad spending habits, a couple frivolous subscriptions, eating out 5-10 times a week(occasionally through doordash, yikes expensive), a few trips to dutch bros/etc a week, and planning my grocery shopping list wisely, I was able to save $1200 extra in 3 months. You need to get back to the point where you have 5K+ in savings, so the next time you are sick or some other BS happens, you have a cushion and won’t end up in the same spot.
It is okay to be upset, angry, sad, etc, about the situation your parents have put you in, but please do not take it out on your aunt, who clearly wants to help you, even if the traditional Asian home remedies/superstition based stuff isn’t your cup of tea. But you may actually find by engaging with her on that stuff, and forming a stronger bond through those things, might improve your chances of her actually helping you in other, more modern ways as well, like you currently need.
I would ask her for some money and also some of the healing stuff too if she can get it for you in the meantime but let her know you’re really hungry and would like food first. If she doesn’t help with that then yeah go ahead and tell her off. Not because you’re entitled to her help, but because she knows you’re suffering and she’s encouraging you to waste the money you don’t have on numbers and colors.
Gently, YWBTA if you directed this anger at your aunt. Yes, her advice is tone deaf and unhelpful. But that’s from your perspective. From her perspective she may not (probably does not) realize that. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she seems like she is trying to help. She’s not, but that doesn’t make her an AH.
I think your anger is at your parents. That is righteous. I’m angry at your parents too. They’ve done horrible things. Hopefully, the universe has lessons for them. But I would urge you to reserve your anger for those who have earned it. Communicate with your aunt. Tell her what you need. You are struggling to eat and could she help you get some groceries. That would help.
I’m sorry you are in a bad spot. Your parents are AHs.
No judgement here but if you can prove your parents stole your money, you can report it to the police and probably get it back. Go to the police first as that’ll be free