So a bit of backstory.. I(33F) have 4 siblings. 2 of those siblings Don(34M) and Mary(29F) are whom this post regards. Don used to date Mary’s best friend Agnes(29F) for about 8 years on and off. They broke up a little over a year ago, Don moved in with my sister Mary and her husband, Jeff(34M). Because of this my brother couldn’t take any of his dogs with him and has been relying on Agnes’ goodwill to see his dogs. Which there hasn’t been any since Don met his girlfriend Amelia(23F). There have been arguments, angry text messages and Agnes went so far as to say that she would make a false police report against, Don. I must note that Don has been respectful, polite and mindful of the time when he texts, Agnes. She only wanted to file the police report so he wouldn’t be able to see his dogs and he would stop trying. Because of all of this the rest of my family and I have had no contact with Agnes. We are solely in Don’s corner, not only because of recent events, but because of the type of person she is. We never liked her, but we tolerated and accepted her for Don’s sake while they were dating.
Now to what brings me here. As some of you can probably guess, Mary is still best friends with Agnes. Mary knows everything Agnes has done to not only Don, but our family as well. Agnes has caused numerous fights in our family and has even gotten in between me and Mary. We have tried to speak to Mary and explain that, although she may love Agnes and want to be friends with her, it’s not a good friendship. They have been friends since high school and Agnes is my sister’s only constant friend in a sea of friendships that don’t last. Mary has recently moved to another state due to Jeff’s job, so she has been pretty isolated as she doesn’t know anyone there. Mary is also pregnant. 5 months or so and is due in December so things have been a little stressful for her. Mary recently let my mother and I know that they chose godparents and that they picked: Robert (26M;little brother) and Agnes. I was shocked and asked if Don knew about them choosing Agnes and she said, they were waiting until closer to the due date to tell them and that ultimately it was their decision and Don should understand that. I told Mary that if she didn’t tell Don immediately I would, because he deserves to know. He’s tried to be understanding of their continue friendship, but it hurts him because he feels Mary should have his back given the circumstances. This would be the tipping point in their relationship.
My mother thinks I shouldn’t say anything and that I’m TA for wanting to tell him, Mary is upset and thinks I’m TA and should stay out of it. My fiancé agrees with me and thinks I should tell Don so he isn’t blindsided.
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So a bit of backstory.. I(33F) have 4 siblings. 2 of those siblings Don(34M) and Mary(29F) are whom this post regards. Don used to date Mary’s best friend Agnes(29F) for about 8 years on and off. They broke up a little over a year ago, Don moved in with my sister Mary and her husband, Jeff(34M). Because of this my brother couldn’t take any of his dogs with him and has been relying on Agnes’ goodwill to see his dogs. Which there hasn’t been any since Don met his girlfriend Amelia(23F). There have been arguments, angry text messages and Agnes went so far as to say that she would make a false police report against, Don. I must note that Don has been respectful, polite and mindful of the time when he texts, Agnes. She only wanted to file the police report so he wouldn’t be able to see his dogs and he would stop trying. Because of all of this the rest of my family and I have had no contact with Agnes. We are solely in Don’s corner, not only because of recent events, but because of the type of person she is. We never liked her, but we tolerated and accepted her for Don’s sake while they were dating.
Now to what brings me here. As some of you can probably guess, Mary is still best friends with Agnes. Mary knows everything Agnes has done to not only Don, but our family as well. Agnes has caused numerous fights in our family and has even gotten in between me and Mary. We have tried to speak to Mary and explain that, although she may love Agnes and want to be friends with her, it’s not a good friendship. They have been friends since high school and Agnes is my sister’s only constant friend in a sea of friendships that don’t last. Mary has recently moved to another state due to Jeff’s job, so she has been pretty isolated as she doesn’t know anyone there. Mary is also pregnant. 5 months or so and is due in December so things have been a little stressful for her. Mary recently let my mother and I know that they chose godparents and that they picked: Robert (26M;little brother) and Agnes. I was shocked and asked if Don knew about them choosing Agnes and she said, they were waiting until closer to the due date to tell them and that ultimately it was their decision and Don should understand that. I told Mary that if she didn’t tell Don immediately I would, because he deserves to know. He’s tried to be understanding of their continue friendship, but it hurts him because he feels Mary should have his back given the circumstances. This would be the tipping point in their relationship.
My mother thinks I shouldn’t say anything and that I’m TA for wanting to tell him, Mary is upset and thinks I’m TA and should stay out of it. My fiancé agrees with me and thinks I should tell Don so he isn’t blindsided.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to tell my brother that my sister picked his ex, the woman who has made the last year of his life very difficult and painful, as godmother.
This might make me an asshole, because my sister never said she wouldn’t tell him just that she didn’t want to tell him now.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA but proceed with caution. Your sister has put you in a difficult position by telling you, and Don could later feel mad at you that you kept this from him. But unless you think you can somehow change her plans, it doesn’t really matter who knows when if it’s going to happen anyway.
YWBTA. In no way does he “deserve to know” something that doesn’t involve or affect him in any way. What??
First off, anyone who sends someone a message telling them they’ll file a false police report, isn’t the brightest bulb in the chandelier. As for the rest, your sister’s friendship and your brother’s former relationship are separate. Your sister isn’t the only person in the world to maintain a friendship with a sibling’s ex partner after a messy, contentious break up. My question is why are you inserting yourself into this matter? You don’t like the ex partner, okay. You’re upset your sister has maintained their friendship, fine. But what business it of yours who your sister and her partner choose to be godparents to their child?
If you tell him, it’s not to stir drama it’s so he’s not blindsided later. Given their history, he deserves to hear it from family, not at the christening.
YWNBTA. Mary is attempting to browbeat your brother into submission to her dear Agnes, it sounds like her and her husband’s ‘rules’ for Matt’s move-in were aimed around helping Agnes hurt Matt. If he’s still living with Mary then for his own benefit he needs to get out of there. I wouldn’t be surprised if Matt goes LC or NC with Mary after this, though of course Mary and her husband will pretend to be blindsided by it.
YTA
You’re sister is already isolated and alone in a new place, you know she has trouble making and maintaining friendships. For whatever reason, Agnes has, as far as you know, Ben a good friend to her.
You and your family want your sister to choose between her friend and brother because you think that the loyalty of family matters most. Your sister has other ideas about that, and she’s allowed to.
At the end of the day, you’re trying to control your sister’s relationships, because you think that pressuring her over the choice of her child’s God mother will make her choose your brother over Agnes. What you’re really setting up is forcing your sister to spend the next 5 months stressed out and likely fighting with her family.
Stay in your lane, let your sister make and live with her choices.
YTA for getting involved in any of this.
Mary and husband can choose anyone they want to be the kids godparents.
Don and Agnes were on and off for 8 years, so clearly better separate than together. Well, now they’re separate, so that’s a good thing, but still not good enough for you and your family. What more do you want, seriously??
YTA. If your brother wants to see his dogs regularly, he should move somewhere he is able to have them rather than leaving them with his ex girlfriend. When/how your sister informs him that her best friend Agnes is her child’s godmother is none of your concern.
YWBTA, just stay out of it.
“the breaking point for me was when my own little sister called us childish for not moving on” .. he ABANDONED his dogs and dropped them on her. The consequence is that he does not get to see them. DON is the Ah in this, NOT Agnes.
Mary is right – she is fine to chose Agnes as a godparent. Don is an AH to push HIs relationship issues on her. MAry is fine NOT to chose sides between them.
“My mother thinks I shouldn’t say anything” .. she is right. YOU should stay out of this. Not YOUR drama.
YTA
YTA. Stay out of it. This has nothing to do with you. You are making it your issue because you don’t like Agnes. Agnes has been a loyal friend to your sister for years. Mary will tell Don when she wants to. They are Agnes’s dogs now and Don needs to accept that and not text Agnes. Your love of Don and hatred of Agnes have clouded your judgement. Don should be supporting himself and dating someone closer to his own age. Don does not have dogs any more, he had to give them a new home because he can’t support himself. Let Mary and Agnes lives their lives without your interference. Start looking at Don a little more realistically, he’s not the angel you think he is.
I think there is some jealousy going on here because OP has not been chosen to be the godmother. Stay out of it, OP. YTA