Tl;dr: A mostly nice person has twice told me that my parents don’t love me. I could have an adult conversation with her about this, but I’d rather wait to see if she says it again, and be a little hyperbolic and try to make her feel guilty.
My wife’s aunt Sally has twice told me that my parents don’t love me. I don’t think she meant to be hurtful, but I really hated hearing that.
The first time, she was upset with me, and lecturing me about how to be a better husband. She presented it as a way to make allowances for me and relate to me. It was basically, “I know what it’s like to grow up with parents who don’t give you unconditional love, but you’re an adult now, and you need to decide what type of person you’re going to be.”
The second time, she meant it as a compliment. A few months before my son was born, she said “I know you’re going to be a loving father, even though you didn’t get the love you needed growing up.”
I have a complicated relationship with my father. He can be very obnoxious. Things have been tense between us for the past two years. It’s a very sensitive topic for me. I have difficulty talking about it even with close friends. If you were trying to hurt my feelings, it would be hard to find a better vulnerability to poke.
I’m not good at thinking on my feet. I didn’t know how to respond the first two times. If she says it again, I want to say “I know you’re trying to be nice, but that’s one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me.”
I realize that there’s a right way and a wrong way to address this, and my way is definitely somewhere in the middle. I’m just trying to find out which side of the asshole line it falls on. A well-adjusted adult would either have a heart-to-heart with Sally, about the lingering feelings from what she said, or just let it go and accept that she made a mistake. On the other end of the spectrum, some people would address this with yelling and name-calling.
Sally and I got along very well for several years before this happened. Now, I’m uneasy about sharing anything personal with her. I make chitchat with her, but I don’t like to get into deep conversations, because I don’t like the idea of her knowing about sensitive topics.
I want her to feel ashamed of herself. I’m certainly being at least a little bit of an asshole by weaponizing her compassion against her. I just want to know if I’m going too far.
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Tl;dr: A mostly nice person has twice told me that my parents don’t love me. I could have an adult conversation with her about this, but I’d rather wait to see if she says it again, and be a little hyperbolic and try to make her feel guilty.
My wife’s aunt Sally has twice told me that my parents don’t love me. I don’t think she meant to be hurtful, but I really hated hearing that.
The first time, she was upset with me, and lecturing me about how to be a better husband. She presented it as a way to make allowances for me and relate to me. It was basically, “I know what it’s like to grow up with parents who don’t give you unconditional love, but you’re an adult now, and you need to decide what type of person you’re going to be.”
The second time, she meant it as a compliment. A few months before my son was born, she said “I know you’re going to be a loving father, even though you didn’t get the love you needed growing up.”
I have a complicated relationship with my father. He can be very obnoxious. Things have been tense between us for the past two years. It’s a very sensitive topic for me. I have difficulty talking about it even with close friends. If you were trying to hurt my feelings, it would be hard to find a better vulnerability to poke.
I’m not good at thinking on my feet. I didn’t know how to respond the first two times. If she says it again, I want to say “I know you’re trying to be nice, but that’s one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me.”
I realize that there’s a right way and a wrong way to address this, and my way is definitely somewhere in the middle. I’m just trying to find out which side of the asshole line it falls on. A well-adjusted adult would either have a heart-to-heart with Sally, about the lingering feelings from what she said, or just let it go and accept that she made a mistake. On the other end of the spectrum, some people would address this with yelling and name-calling.
Sally and I got along very well for several years before this happened. Now, I’m uneasy about sharing anything personal with her. I make chitchat with her, but I don’t like to get into deep conversations, because I don’t like the idea of her knowing about sensitive topics.
I want her to feel ashamed of herself. I’m certainly being at least a little bit of an asshole by weaponizing her compassion against her. I just want to know if I’m going too far.
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> I’m planning to say something a little bit hyperbolic, and weaponize someone’s compassion against her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
>My wife’s aunt Sally has twice told me that my parents don’t love me. I don’t think she meant to be hurtful, but I really hated hearing that.
But why? Because it’s not true? Because it is? You’ve (very vaguely) alluded to some issues with at least one of your parents but we’ve no idea what the history really is. Sally clearly has some idea and is trying to be sympathetic so she’s not an asshole here – maybe she doesn’t understand as well as she could, but that’s not a moral failing, that’s just a practical issue.
Would you be an asshole for wanting to correct her misunderstanding? Or for simply wanting her not to mention an uncomfortable reality? No, you wouldn’t. Either of those courses of action would be reasonable.
The problem is that that isn’t what you say you want, you:
>want her to feel ashamed of herself
And that’s a solid YTA – don’t try to make someone feel bad when they’re only trying to be nice. If you don’t the way they’re doing it, communicate clearly and kindly with them to let them know, but don’t try to hurt them in revenge for an accidental perceived slight.
> I’m planning to say something a little bit hyperbolic, and weaponize someone’s compassion against her.
> I want her to feel ashamed of herself.
YTA. Grow up and talk to Sally like an adult.
she didn’t say your parents don’t love you she is just telling you some ugly truths that hit a nerve for you thats why it hurts so much you should try to heal from that trauma she was just looking out for you YTA if you try to shame her maybe try to have a conversation about it but only if you can handle it without getting too emotional.
How defensive and angry you’re getting about it kind of feels like it is true. It might not have been any of her business to say those things but your response and what you’re writing in here and how much you want to make her suffer instead of just talking to her about it, definitely YTA.
And it really sounds like this is a big sore/sensitive spot for you, you really should consider looking into why you’re reacting so strongly to the things that she’s saying. If you do have unresolved issues with your parents then that is coming out in your daily life and it will help you and others around you to try to deal with some of those feelings.
YTA She didn’t say they didn’t love you. She acknowledged that you had crap parents, and she’s telling you she understands that makes some parts of life difficult for you.
Stop being hypersensitive. You can ask her why she thinks your parents weren’t loving, but I’m guessing you already know.
NAH. This is essentially a person walking up to you and picking at a scab. There was no reason for her to throw in a comment about your parents. ‘You’re going to be a loving father.’ Full stop.
There’s also no reason for you to pull this out of proportion. Just tell her this is a sensitive topic to you and you don’t want her to bring it up again.
I don’t understand some of these other commenters at all. I think your comment, while direct, makes clear that her comments have been really painful for you.
If you are genuinely trying to work towards being, as you say, “well-adjusted,” then attempt to have a polite conversation acknowledging that she didn’t mean any harm but it is painful for you. If she is kind, she will stop.
Good luck. Be generous and compassionate! And grow from this. NAH.
YTA. and yes, you are going too far. have the balls and take her aside like a decent person and tell her that you don’t appreciate it and forget about your mean-spirited games. they just show an ugly personality.
I don’t know that she is saying that your parents never loved you. I think that you have taken it too far because it’s a sore spot for you.
It sounds like she is trying to say that your parents were selfish, avoidant or abusive.
Aunt Sally is going to be in your life for a long time. It would be worth having an adult conversation with her.
I would start by saying something like, “When you say xyz it comes across as abc and that is hurtful to me. I would be grateful if you could choose your words more carefully and rephrase it. Take some time if you need it.”
She’s isn’t nice.
“Please don’t talk about my parents, not to me, not to others. It’s hurtful.”
NTA, she’s presuming a hell of a lot and massively overstepping and almost certainly is doing that on purpose to manipulate you onto the back foot so she can act as judge and jury of your efforts etc.
She isn’t your superior, she isn’t there to control your choices or actions and most importantly, she ISN’T BEING KIND at all.
Next time it comes up just calmly shut her down by asserting a simple and honest boundary.
1 – “Sorry but I don’t appreciate you commenting on my relationship with my parents, we aren’t that close”….
2 – “can you please keep your focus on this situation instead of bringing up things you know are likely to make people feel uncomfortable”…
3 – “can you show a little respect and stop trying to upset me for your own purposes, I’ve told you such comments are not welcome and if they continue I’m going to have to reconsider spending time with you in the future”.
> I don’t think she meant to be hurtful, but I really hated hearing that.
Well think on that a little further, if you are REALLY sure that’s the case then perhaps she is giving you a healthy bit of reality even if it isn’t comfortable. A wife’s aunt isn’t usually someone close enough for that though imo.
This is your wifes aunt yes? Why doesn’t your wife handle her?
The next time she saya something like that, your wife should shut it down promptly and firmly:
“Aunt xxxx, that’s not the compliment you think it is. If you cannot speak with us without pointing out a painful aspect of my husbands life, then I urge you not to speak. If you continue to do this, we will have no option but to limit our contact with you.”
NTA
YTA. Your Aunt is telling you you deserved more love than you got and you want to punish her for it??
YTA. She is NOT saying that “your parents don’t love you”. She’s just not. Not at all.
There is no reason you should be so upset with her, and absolutely no reason why she should feel ashamed of herself. She’s doing nothing wrong!
She’s acknowledging that your dad is a shitty person, and trying to give you support. Maybe your dad has also been shitty to her, so she’s assuming that you must have had a hard time growing up. You say that he’s obnoxious. It’s even possible that Aunt Sally knows something about your dad that you don’t. Maybe your wife told her things about you/your dad. She’s probably not just pulling this opinion out of thin air – it’s coming from something she’s heard/something she knows.
The fact that you’re hearing totally different words than what she is saying is a YOU problem – and it’s a YOU problem that is actually PROVING the point that you think she’s making.
If someone says totally different words, and you HEAR “Your parents don’t love you” – that means that YOU think your parents don’t love you – not that the other person does.
This is hitting you so hard because deep down, YOU think these things.
The person you are mad at is actually your dad. Sally is doing nothing wrong, has said nothing wrong, and you absolutely would be the asshole if you said something about it and “want her to feel ashamed of herself.”
That’s the line that clarifies the whole situation. Sally knows something about you/your dad and is trying to be kind, and there is a deep wound within you that is triggered when she says things, and you want to hurt HER for triggering that wound. THAT makes you TA.
But again, triggering that wound is not HER fault – that’s a YOU problem. She’s hitting a nerve, but the nerve was there LONG before Aunt Sally came along, and will be there long after she’s gone, unless you get some help.
You need therapy, not a talk with Aunt Sally.
If you know that you should handle it with a mature conversation and you don’t then YTA
This may not be a popular opinion, but I think it needs to be said.
YNTA – but I think there are some things you’re doing right and some things you could do better.
I didn’t hear Sally say your parents didn’t love you. What I heard was they didn’t give you unconditional love or love you the way you deserved. There’s a huge difference. They probably loved you the best way they could. Sometimes that leaves a dent in a person. I don’t know anything about your childhood, but you said there were issues.
I’m going to make an assumption based on the information provided and say that Sally absolutely meant you no harm and it was her way of saying that you have grown into a great person and she knows that it wasn’t always easy.
You already know what the right thing to do is. And I think that you coming here to talk about it was probably so that you could talk it out before you say something you can’t take back.
It sounds like Sally was probably an influential person in your life and could be for your child as well. Remove the hurt that the past is coloring your emotions with and talk to her. I bet she would be horrified to know her words invoked that emotion in you.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying exactly that.
Based on your words alone, I think that YOU feel there might be some truth to her words, which only makes them hurt more, but it’s really not her place to bring it up at all, let alone twice.
However – why was she lecturing you on how to be a better husband? Did your wife say something? Did the aunt see something?
YTA. The first damn paragraph established that.
NTA. I appreciate the fact that you’re seeking advice and you’re writing shows me you’re contemplating. Do you want her to feel ashamed or is what you’re really wanting is for her to recognize the faux pas of her ways and be genuinely apologetic AND for her to learn from her mistakes so she doesn’t do this to anyone again?
This doesn’t need to be a TA thing.
“Listen, Sally, you are not in a position to say whether or not another person loves someone else. Please stop making statements to that effect when it comes to me and my parents … And really ANYONE else.”
You don’t need to make anyone feel guilty.
Barring bizarre family circumstances, your wife’s aunt can’t possibly have firsthand experience or observations of your relationship with your parents growing up. Remind her of that.
If you don’t want her input into those relationships, stop talking to her about them.
ESH Aunt Sally for trying to use her idea of your child as a weapon to shape your adult with relationship with her niece. That’s not nice, no matter how you slice. Your wife for not shutting Aunt Sally down/telling Aunt Sally about your family dynamics and involving her in your marriage. And you, for not shutting her down the first time she said and not going to therapy.
YTA. seek therapy to figure out why you’re having such an oversized reaction to what are really a couple innocuous comments
OP I’m just going to throw this out there – it sounds like Sally is using love as a verb and talking about how love was shown, but you’re hearing it as a judgement on the quantity of love that exists.
“I’m sorry you didn’t get the love you needed” doesn’t mean the speaker is saying your parents don’t love you or negatively judging their intentions, but they are noting that there was an impact because the way it was given just wasn’t what kid you needed/didn’t have the intended consequence. Serious question, if you substitute “love” with “support” does the meaning of the sentences change for you? Because to me, and I suspect to Sally, they are the same sentence.
I hope this maybe helps to reframe the intention of the statements for you? By all means have a conversation with Sally to tell her that the way she is expressing herself you find wounding instead of comforting. But I think you are hearing something she is not trying to say.
Edit: NAH right now, but gently, if you try to hurt her rather than just talk this out then you will be.
If you don’t want to share with her on a personal level like that anymore then that’s totally fair. Whether she was trying to be nice or not, if it’s bothered you, you have a right to stop sharing. It’s possible she spoke out of turn and it’s possible she just didn’t phrase her thoughts in the best way. We can’t really know since you are paraphrasing what she said through an undoubtedly biased filter based on your anger. You are the asshole even just based on the sheer fact that you acknowledge that there’s a right/wrong way to do it and you’re hoping to find a way you can make her feel ashamed even when you yourself say she was trying to be nice. You sound bitter and that, coupled with the issues you’ve alluded to with your father, lead me to believe she’s not nearly as wrong as you think. Either speak to her like an adult or get over yourself.
I’m going to tentatively say you aren’t wrong, just because that is a WILD thing to say to someone, let alone repeat. Hit her with that to hopefully shock her into actually thinking about what she said and use that as a lead in to a conversation. Some people ‘mean well’ and in practice they only harm. If she’d been your aunt and saw you growing up I’d put a little more credit to her opinion but still an F for execution.
YTA she didn’t say your parents did not love you. She said you didn’t get unconditional love and implied you didn’t get enough love.
So why do you think “wanting her to feel ashamed” for caring about you is your logical next step?
YTA. There’s a difference between what she actually said and how her words made you feel. She didn’t say your parents don’t love you. You can be an adult and talk about your feelings. Her intentions were good. Yours are not.
NAH.
Sure, you could have a whole heart to heart with Sally, but she’s not even YOUR relative. Depending on how close you two are, this could feel like her butting her head into your life and making assumptions. I don’t think you’d be wrong to tell her it’s hurtful to hear and I think as long as you’re willing to have a short convo with her after, it’s fine. Some people are just oblivious and really do think they’re being supportive/kind when they’re really being a bit backhanded.
“I want her to feel ashamed of herself” makes you a major AH.
Your Aunt is essentially saying “You’re acting like a villain but its only because you have a tragic backstory”. She is trying to point out your bad behaviors and softening the blow by blaming your parents’ raising style. She didn’t say they didn’t love you, only that their love was “conditional love”. Yes, you should express how these words hurt. But also reflect on why she’s bringing it up. If she’s as nice as you say, she’s trying to help stop a negative cycle that has been fracturing your relationships.
YTA and also seeing the worst in what she said to you. If you look again, she never actually said your parents don’t love you – she said you didn’t get unconditional love as a child and that you didn’t get the love you needed. Did your parents give you affection only when you did something they liked? Did they tell you they love you only rarely?
It’s fine to be sensitive about this and to ask that someone not bring up your childhood/how your parents raised you. It’s also fine to argue that that your aunt-in-law doesn’t know your homelife as well as she thinks she does. But what you want to do is manipulative and cruel. Grow up and have an actual conversation with her.
INFO: I’m not sure why your wife’s aunt is telling you how to be a better husband. Also, did you tell her about your parents or did your wife?
YTA. You are putting words in her mouth and then wanting to “weaponize her compassion” and make her “feel ashamed” because of conclusions YOU jumped to. Hate to say it, but that is definitely not a sign of someone who grew up with healthy relationships.
Is it the most hurtful thing? With shit parents I’m assuming they have said way worse? Why do you want her to feel shame if she isn’t being malicious. You can say something like “Sally you’ve said a few times that my parents don’t love me. While I know it’s not coming from a mean place can you please refrain from speaking to me like that”
Sounds like by your own admission you are not a well-adjusted adult and Sally may have nailed why. Go to therapy. Bring them this post. YTA for not wanting a solution, just a victory
“Sally and I got along very well for several years before this happened.” Sounds like she honestly doesn’t mean it badly which means you would be TA if you approached it like this. What you need to do is sit down and have an honest conversation with her. You can tell her how difficult talking about your father is. You can even say that hearing her say that your parents don’t love you is extremely hurtful every time. If she really cares she’s going to be horrified that she hurt you.
I know it’s hard to talk about messed up family. (My Mom side is EXTREMELY disfunctional.) But unless you want to nuke your relationship you need to talk to Sally. Calmy.
Your the ATA and you need to grow the fuck up my boy. Someone clearly coming to you with advice that you yourself know deep down is true and your response is you want to hurt that person? Good way to live a nice lonely life with your anger.
>I want her to feel ashamed of herself. I’m certainly being at least a little bit of an asshole by weaponizing her compassion against her
YTA. You otherwise have a good relationship with her and you realize that the emotionally mature response would be to have an adult conversation but instead you’re choosing this route explicitly to make her feel bad. That’s AH behaviour.
(Also, saying you didn’t get the love you needed is not at all the same thing as saying your parents didn’t love you)
INFO: have you sought professional help to process the complicated relationship with your parents? Sally is an adult who has witnessed your entire life, and it sounds like she is simply accurately describing the situation at hand. It’s not your fault your dad isn’t a great parent, but it also isn’t a secret, and it’s not something to be ashamed of. His parenting isn’t your failure and it isn’t Sally’s fault.
You are self-aware enough to recognize your need for healthier coping and communication skills. Take the next step and find help to develop those skills. Your kid deserves a healed parent.
I think you should go ahead and lash out at someone who’s done nothing wrong. Let your wife’s family know you have an abusive streak in you. Good luck.
You are transferring your complicated feelings about your parents onto Aunt Sally. I agree that you should not talk to her (or probably anyone other than your wife and therapist) about your family of origin. But you chose to do so – you opened yourself up to input from others on what you shared with extended in-law family. It’s disingenuous to turn around and act like she’s the bag guy for forming an opinion on what you unwisely brought to her.
If you must say anything, just say “I’ve decided not to talk about personal issues related to my family of origin any longer because the resulting conversations do more harm than good for me”. And then move on and zip it.
YTA you’re acting like a child.
Mature adults communicate, rather than being petty and passive aggressive.
YTA. She has nothing to feel ashamed about! She clearly is aware of conflict internal to your family and some of your experiences growing up that you haven’t taken the time to share in your post in detail. She is trying to tell you that she sees you and she acknowledges the pain in your past which has contributed to you being the person that you are. The comment that she made about you being a father was so clearly a compliment, I have no clue how you could possibly think that’s hurtful (although people do say “truth hurts” so maybe there’s your answer).
You can tell her that the last few remarks she made about your family made you feel embarrassed and awkward, and would she be able to tone it down in the future. But you can’t undo what you have already shared with her. If she now knows that you had a difficult childhood and relationship with your parents that’s not something you can take back. You should be grateful that this person is giving you support and encouragement.
NTA . I would respond by saying, as formally as possible, something like “Whatever my parents’ flaws were, they brought me up to believe it was unacceptably rude to cast judgment on the intimate relationships of people I don’t know well. Please don’t insult them to me again.”
NTA- a lot of these commenters can’t tell the difference between thoughts and feelings you’re having and your actions. They can’t relate to you, so they think they can judge how you’re supposed to feel about people talking about your childhood. Don’t feel ashamed that you don’t know how to handle this easily- you were a sponge as child, just like any other child, and you can’t help that you weren’t taught to handle your emotions well. Two things are true- 1) you are allowed to be upset by her comment, EVEN if she didn’t mean any harm and even if other people wouldn’t be bothered by a comment, and 2) you owe everyone the benefit of the doubt. You are allowed to hold a firm boundary about comments about your childhood as long as you are able to communicate that kindly. You haven’t done anything wrong yet, but you also owe yourself the kindness of not bottling this up.
Just a thought maybe you can get your wife to tell her aunt the comments bother u and she should stop. That way u won’t say anything u will regret later and she can think of way to tell her nicely.
It’s a bit ESH. I was more sympathetic to Sally before I reread and realised she isn’t your aunt, she’s your wife’s, so she wouldn’t know so much about how you grew up and it’s not really her place to speak on it.
I do think that she is well intentioned since she mentioned she had problems with her own parents and is probably trying to relate to you and she didn’t actually say your parents didn’t love you but that she thinks you didn’t get unconditional love and the love you needed, which could mean they have trouble emotionally expressing themselves not that they don’t care, which I think could be how it came across.
By encouraging you that you can still be a good partner and parent despite maybe not having the best role models in that area, she might be trying to give you the emotional support she wishes someone had given her but she needs to recognise you’re a different person with different preferences for communication about the situation.
Although I understand her words can be upsetting, you acknowledge you could have an adult conversation about it but would rather hurt her so I think it’s best to reassess and resist that impulse. Just try talking to her and telling her it hurts your feelings and asking her not to bring it up again. This doesn’t need to escalate. You’re angry at her about something she didn’t actually say and your angry impulses are coming from that place, try setting the goal of the conversation as improving communication rather than hurting her back because it seems like she didn’t mean to hurt you.
I’m on the side of OP, lowkey. I don’t know what her intentions were 100% (obviously) but there was no need for her to bring that stuff up during any of the talks. That’s not something you throw around. Would OP be petty doing it. Sure, maybe. Does it sound like she may possibly also be trying to be a little smug? Yeah. You don’t even need to know the full story as to why a parent-child relation is bad to know that’s just not where you go. Even if it’s true, unless you’re extremely close to the person, just don’t bring it up.
>I want her to feel ashamed of herself. I’m certainly being at least a little bit of an asshole by weaponizing her compassion against her.
YTA for this attitude, especially since you do seem aware about the actual adult thing to do here:
>A well-adjusted adult would either have a heart-to-heart with Sally, about the lingering feelings from what she said, or just let it go and accept that she made a mistake.
Exactly right, especially since you do acknowledge that you don’t think she’s intending to be hurtful.
She also hasn’t once said your parents didn’t love you – she said that you didn’t get the type of love you needed growing up, and honestly from your reactions to all of this, she’s 100% right.
Given how much you want to make her feel ashamed and guilty for what she said – judging by both your OP and your follow-up comments – it seems super clear that this is how you were raised as well, to be made to feel guilty and ashamed for doing something wrong even if unintentionally.
There are so many other and better ways to handle this – talk to your wife and ask her to talk to her aunt. Talk to Sally yourself in the mature adult way you clearly outlined above.
But lashing out to make Sally feel hurt and ashamed simply because you don’t have the emotional tools to address it any other way – and because she’s clearly struck a nerve? Do better than your parents.
NAH because trauma can be a touchy subject but dude, grow up and talk to her like an adult. It honestly sounds like she’s trying to relate to you and give you advice as well as compliments in a way that’s relatable to you. I know how much it sucks when it feels like your trauma is being hurled at you, but people need to find a way to connect and sadly sometimes they will use that trauma as a point of connection. Maybe she’ll apologise when you explain that this subject is a bit too complex to use for standard advice or compliments. You’ll never know if you act like a child over it though
A couple of things can be at play here:
If you want to make her feel ashamed then you might as well go off on her about how rude it is for her to say those things about your parents and just burn that bridge. If so, YTA since you are unwilling to have a more nuanced conversation about it.
If you want to keep her in your life and maybe even benefit from her perspective or compassion then you are going to have to have a gentle conversation with her. You could start by reiterating how you currently feel about your father (it’s complicated and stings to think/talk about it) and sharing that you are still trying to sort through your feelings about it. You could ask her if she has ever had something like this happen to her in a significant relationship or even just say you have a hard time hearing things you have said in the past (even if they are filtered through her own lens) stated so starkly back at you. Reiterating that it’s an evolving situation and since you haven’t come to a conclusion about how you feel you would appreciate if she didn’t come to a conclusion for you.
Do you want Aunt Sally to stay in your life and keep the peace for the sake of your partner’s relationship with her as well? You are going to have to have an adult conversation that will probably be hard for both of you.
YTA- what a sad little man you are. Wanting her to feel guilty and shameful for saying you didn’t get the love you deserved. She is telling you how you deserved better NOT you were not loved. Grow up. Do better
Use your words like an adult and talk to her about it first. Your described approach sounds completely childish and manipulative for no reason other than wanting to try and hurt her into understanding, rather than try to talk to her to get her to understand. You’re not in the middle of right and wrong. You’re just wrong and immature.
YTA.
YTA, you admit yourself that your relationship with at least your dad is complicated and difficult, which almost certainly means it was not a source of stable love and support while you were growing up. Given your defensiveness about it, I strongly suspect it may be even worse than you’re saying or are even willing to admit to yourself, and your aunt was on the outside having to watch this your whole life. It sounds like she’s trying to tell you she understands and is on your side, but you perceive it as an attack because you desperately want your relationship with your parents to be loving and close the way it should be. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you telling your aunt that it’s not a subject you want to talk about and she shouldn’t bring it up. TheAH part is that you clearly feel the need to punish her and make her feel bad for what she said because it made you feel bad. This is a deeply unhealthy style of communication and a habit you need to break before you start doing it to your partner and child. People will unintentionally push on your weak spots and sore places, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to hit back at them so they hurt like you.
PEMDAS isn’t just for math
>I want her to feel ashamed of herself.
I think this is your answer. It’s possible to say what you want to say for the purpose of helping someone understand that they’re hurting you, which is reasonable. But you want to hurt her back, which is not. YWBTA.
YWBTA because of your intention to make her feel guilty. I know people are dog piling you, somewhat rightly so, but I did want to point out you’ve at least stopped yourself before you actually did this so good for you. That’s worth SOME merit.
Punch up, not down. Because this is such a sensitive topic for you you’re colouring her words to be worse than they are. You’ll honestly have more impact by just saying “I don’t know if you mean to sound like you’re saying my parents DON’T love me but that’s how I’m interpreting your words and it makes me uncomfortable because they do love me and I love them, it’s just difficult.” than deliberately TRYING to make her feel guilty. If you lay this kind of trap then there’s actually a good chance she could become defensive instead and then you’ve lost out on a sympathetic ear to bend further down the line.
The sentences you are quoting don’t claim that your parents didn’t love you but that they weren’t the greatest parents and didn’t give you what you would have needed. And from what you’re saying about your childhood, she’s not wrong.
I think you’re hearing something she didn’t say. Maybe try to figure out where this reaction is coming from and work through some potential unresolved emotional baggage from your childhood.
You absolutely WBTA if you said that to her because you’d be accusing her of something she didn’t do.
NTA Sally has no right to say anything like this. She really is overstepping her role and this isn’t a minor mistake.