I (F30) am getting married this summer. I have a childhood friend (let’s call her Hannah) that I invited and extended a plus one to. The thing about Hannah is she recently went through a breakup so I knew that her plus one would not be her significant other anymore. Because she is on the more shy side, I still left the plus one open for her since I know she’d feel more comfortable at the wedding bringing someone. She RSVP’d this week, and when I checked to see the guest’s name she was bringing, my heart dropped. Her plus one (Jennifer), is another girl I went to school with. To put it lightly, Jennifer is erratic. She has caused problems within my friend group (these friends are all my bridesmaids by the way), made unsettling comments to my fiance in passing before, and the biggest issue I have with her is her fetishization people of color (specifically black men). I have been in numerous situations where Jennifer targets and obsesses over the black men in the room making everyone extremely uncomfortable. Her racist comments are infuriating and my biggest concern is she will be doing this to our guests at our wedding. WIBTA for telling Hannah she needs to choose another plus one? I don’t want to deal with the drama between my friend group and Jennifer and more importantly, I don’t want her targeting and harassing our other guests. I also am not happy to have that awkward conversation with Hannah, but I don’t want to take any chances on our wedding day.
For additional context, Hannah was never apart of my current friend group. I was friends with Hannah from a young age but grew apart as we got older. Hannah and Jennifer were never friends during our childhood years but connected after we all graduated and moved on. (Perks of a small town I guess)
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I (F30) am getting married this summer. I have a childhood friend (let’s call her Hannah) that I invited and extended a plus one to. The thing about Hannah is she recently went through a breakup so I knew that her plus one would not be her significant other anymore. Because she is on the more shy side, I still left the plus one open for her since I know she’d feel more comfortable at the wedding bringing someone. She RSVP’d this week, and when I checked to see the guest’s name she was bringing, my heart dropped. Her plus one (Jennifer), is another girl I went to school with. To put it lightly, Jennifer is erratic. She has caused problems within my friend group (these friends are all my bridesmaids by the way), made unsettling comments to my fiance in passing before, and the biggest issue I have with her is her fetishization people of color (specifically black men). I have been in numerous situations where Jennifer targets and obsesses over the black men in the room making everyone extremely uncomfortable. Her racist comments are infuriating and my biggest concern is she will be doing this to our guests at our wedding. WIBTA for telling Hannah she needs to choose another plus one? I don’t want to deal with the drama between my friend group and Jennifer and more importantly, I don’t want her targeting and harassing our other guests. I also am not happy to have that awkward conversation with Hannah, but I don’t want to take any chances on our wedding day.
For additional context, Hannah was never apart of my current friend group. I was friends with Hannah from a young age but grew apart as we got older. Hannah and Jennifer were never friends during our childhood years but connected after we all graduated and moved on. (Perks of a small town I guess)
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> AITA for telling my friend she has to choose a different plus one to a wedding
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Absolutely NTAH. You get to decide who comes to your wedding and who doesn’t. It’s not like they are even dating. Let her know that you and your bridal party all have history with Jennifer and would all be uncomfortable if she was there.
I say have the hard convo with Hannah. Explain your feelings about Jennifer. Say it all. This is your day. Don’t put yourself out to make someone else comfortable on your day.
If you are questioning if it’s wrong to ask her to not bring her, it’s wrong. You know it is or you wouldn’t be asking the internet to tell you it’s ok. Remember even if Reddit says you can do whatever you want, friends and family will not feel the same as strangers. Decide knowing what you are actually doing.
NTA It’s totally understandable that you don’t want any drama at your wedding especially with someone like Jennifer attending. But it’s also a tough spot because you initially gave Hannah the freedom to choose her plus one. Maybe you could have a candid conversation with her about your concerns without outright asking her to change her choice. Just make sure she understands how important it is for you to have a comfortable atmosphere on your big day.
There are Reddit subs dedicated to this kind of question, where you’ll get the most informed advice. r/wedding, r/weddingplanning
“She makes me uncomfortable and as it is my wedding day, I would really appreciate it if you could choose someone else as your plus one. Thank-you for understanding.”
NTA at all you have the right not to have people you actively dislike at your wedding. But handle it gently. Say you have no issue with Clare being friends with Jennifer if she wants to and you pass no judgment, you just need her to choose someone else – anyone else – as her plus one.
Your wedding, your rules, your day.
You’re not asking her to choose a different plus one, you’re letting her know that Jennifer is not invited or welcome at your wedding. NTA. She can choose someone else, she can come alone or she can choose not to attend. You can’t sacrifice other people’s dignity for Jennifer’s big mouth and fetish.
NTA – so long as you accept it graciously if she decides not to come.
YWBTA
Hi, First, sit Hannah down and invite her to be a bridesmaid. Since she is shy, it will help her feel valued and give her company to rely on. After that, tell your newer friends to make sure and include her in all chats, events, fittings, parties, etc. Now, that being done, have the hard talk. The things Jennifer does are not appropriate. There’s always drinking at weddings, and no one can keep her from ruining the vibe by being gross or extra or whatever. These things are not taken by black men as compliments at all. It embarasses them. Don’t allow someone who will upset guests to attend your wedding. If Hannah doesn’t know how to cancel Jennifer, she can just say you had to trim down the list to save money, lol. Congratulations, btw, & NTA in advance.
NAH. It’s your wedding. “She’s not allowed at my wedding” is an okay thing to say. A plus one is not an unrestricted bring-anyone license. You could not, for example, bring a famously reviled mass-murderer without being an AH. The same applies to Jennifer. Hannah isn’t an AH – she didn’t know about you and Jennifer when she invited Jennifer. But you’re allowed to make your wishes clear, with an apology for the awkwardness Hannah now faces and permission for her to blame you when she tells Jennifer, without being an AH.
You should be prepared for Jennifer to do a “choose her or me”, so you may lose Hannah out of this. But NAH on your decision to exclude Jennifer.
I’m going to be the odd one out here, but I say you would be.
Your invite was to Hannah and WHOEVER SHE wanted to bring.
Sorry, just my opinion.