In 6 weeks, a friend will be staying over for a night after her work trip. Since she moved over 500km away, we don’t see each other that often anymore, so when she asked, I said yes. I also visited her before, so of course, I’d let her stay. I suggested things we could do and she said she doesn’t know yet she wants to visit her old roommates but also texted two other people who haven’t replied yet. So basically if they don’t answer we can do something. Honestly, I feel used. She doesn’t plan to spend any time with me but sleep at my apartment. I knew/thought she wanted to meet up with as many people as possible but I thought we’d also spend some time together. And if we only have coffee when she arrives, but she made it quite clear how spending time with me was the least of her priorities. But honestly, I’m not surprised, when I visited her last summer it was a very unpleasant experience and I already questioned the friendship back then.
I don’t want to be used for a free place to sleep. She makes enough money to stay at a hotel. We’re not in uni anymore. WIBTA if I told her something came up and she can’t stay at my place anymore?
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In 6 weeks, a friend will be staying over for a night after her work trip. Since she moved over 500km away, we don’t see each other that often anymore, so when she asked, I said yes. I also visited her before, so of course, I’d let her stay. I suggested things we could do and she said she doesn’t know yet she wants to visit her old roommates but also texted two other people who haven’t replied yet. So basically if they don’t answer we can do something. Honestly, I feel used. She doesn’t plan to spend any time with me but sleep at my apartment. I knew/thought she wanted to meet up with as many people as possible but I thought we’d also spend some time together. And if we only have coffee when she arrives, bud she made it quite clear how spending time with me was the wlasr of her priorities. But honestly, I’m not surprised, when I visited her last summer it was a very unpleasant experience and I already questioned the friendship back then.
I don’t want to be used for a free place to sleep. She makes enough money to stay at a hotel. We’re not in uni anymore. WIBTA if I told her something came up and she can’t stay at my place anymore?
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> WIBTA if I told her she could not sleep at my place after I agreed to it before knowing she doesn’t consider spending time with me?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA but she may be undervaluing the ease of spending time with you since she’s staying at your place. You can easily tell her that you thought she was coming to at least spend some time with you and that’s not the case perhaps she shouldn’t stay there.
You already saw last summer that you’re not close anymore, why offer them a place to stay? NTA
NTA there’s totally such thing as over staying your welcome. even if it’s your closest friend, which it’s clearly not because you’re questioning it. she gotta go !
Trust your gut and value your self respect. You know the answer already
NTA – Your feelings are valid. She MIGHT have felt that staying with you would automatically mean you’d get some time to hang out with a hot chocolate on the couch but you would be best placed to know that.
I’d tell her how you’re feeling about how you’re being prioritised before I’d completely give up the friendship bit either way, you’re NTA
In 6 weeks, you have a friend staying over for a night.
You stated they can’t commit to a cup of coffee, which agreed, should be a bare minimum… add that you had a negative experience already.
Plenty of time to back out with no feelings hurt.
NTA just do it now so that they have plenty of time to sort an alternative
You can ask to join in with her meeting these other friends if any are mutual. She also might be thinking she can hang with you at your place, I.e. movies/etc. after seeing the other friends.
I have had friends come over and stay with me after seeing someone else in the day.
But in future if you are already iffy about someone don’t volunteer your place to stay. Withdrawing it is worse than not offering it and will probably leave y’all on frosty terms unless you can come up with a good excuse. I.e. ” Hey gal, I brought in bedbugs accidentally from the thrift store and everything is getting fumigated/deciduous earthed. You should probably find a hotel or something to stay at. Hope I can see you next time your here!”
NTA. That said, if you’ve stayed at her place and she’s never stayed over at yours, I’d probably let her stay over this one time, especially since it’s just one night. Then you’re even and you can drop her and she won’t have anything legitimate to complain about AND you won’t feel even a twinge of guilt when she asks to crash at your place next time.
NTA she can ask her old roommates for board and lodging
Honestly. Cancel for your own dignity. Take it from someone who already went through a similar situation and felt 100% used by then end of the stay.
Unless I missed something, it doesn’t sound as if she doesn’t plan on spending time with you; she just wants to spend as much as she can with everyone.
I don’t think anyone is the AH, I just think there needs to be some clarity.
NTA. I’ve had the exact same thing. A friend moved away but her work would bring her back and she asked to stay at mine. She turned up 5 hrs late after 11.30pm at night so I had to stay up and wait for her. The next day I got a ‘sorry I need to work today’ and she left at 4pm.
You question yourself in that are you feeling that way, is she really treating you like this. This is one of those times where trust how you feel. Her intentions are irrelevant as her behaviour is making you feel this way.
Then don’t let her stay
Tell her she you can’t offer her lodging and you’ll be done with her. Move on.
NTA, if you’re not that good of a friend to her maybe her other better friends (if they ever reply to her) should put her up for the night
No you wouldn’t be the asshole, but I think instead of coming up with some excuse you should just tell her how you feel. I think both her and you deserve your honesty in this situation. Her because she may just not be aware how she’s making you feel, and she can never learn to be more considerate if no one ever tells her, which isn’t fair to her. And you because if you don’t share your feelings, you can never have your feelings acknowledged, and that would be really sad.
She could have opted to stay with you over other friends as a way to hang out around doing other catch ups.
“Oh goodness, I’m so sorry, there’s some work that needs to be done in my apartment that weekend so I won’t be able to have a guest!”
The work that has to be done is on yourself. You already had a very unpleasant experience with this user last summer and had the good sense to question the friendship. Now it’s time to work on trusting your instincts and not allowing others to use you.
Trust what you see right in front of you, and your reaction to it. She can’t stay with you. She’s not a friend.
NTA
NTA.
“But honestly, I’m not surprised, when I visited her last summer it was a very unpleasant experience and I already questioned the friendship back then.”
I’m surprised you even agreed to let her stay after last summer.
My rule is if it’s someone with the financial means to stay in a hotel, it won’t ruin their trip if you can no longer host (or don’t want to). Tell her ASAP so she can make alternate arrangements.