My (20F) brother (24m) and his girlfriend are apparently trying for a baby. Here’s the thing, my brother is a high school dropout, he doesn’t work, he isn’t back in school, he doesn’t do anything basically but go out with his friends and smoke weed all day. His girlfriend doesn’t really have a stable job either, she’s a “hairstylist” who has one client every month. My brother and his girlfriend both live in our mother’s basement.
My mom enables the behavior, she doesn’t tell him to get a job, go back to school, or do anything productive. When I found out they were trying for a baby I immediately thought, why when they have no source of income, no space for a baby, and neither of them are emotionally mature enough to raise a child considering they’re in a toxic relationship where they break up every month and constantly cheat on each other.
I told my mother, she needs to tell them they shouldn’t be trying for a baby because of all these reasons. She just said they’re two adults who can make their own decisions. WIBTA if I told my brother he should not have a baby? I feel like it’ll seem like I’m being judgmental or unsupportive. But this isn’t just about him, this is about a human child they’ll potential be screwing up by bringing them into this world unprepared.
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My (20F) brother (24m) and his girlfriend are apparently trying for a baby. Here’s the thing, my brother is a high school dropout, he doesn’t work, he isn’t back in school, he doesn’t do anything basically but go out with his friends and smoke weed all day. His girlfriend doesn’t really have a stable job either, she’s a “hairstylist” who has one client every month. My brother and his girlfriend both live in our mother’s basement.
My mom enables the behavior, she doesn’t tell him to get a job, go back to school, or do anything productive. When I found out they were trying for a baby I immediately thought, why when they have no source of income, no space for a baby, and neither of them are emotionally mature enough to raise a child considering they’re in a toxic relationship where they break up every month and constantly cheat on each other.
I told my mother, she needs to tell them they shouldn’t be trying for a baby because of all these reasons. She just said they’re two adults who can make their own decisions. WIBTA if I told my brother he should not have a baby? I feel like it’ll seem like I’m being judgmental or unsupportive. But this isn’t just about him, this is about a human child they’ll potential be screwing up by bringing them into this world unprepared.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to tell my brother that he should not have a baby. This might make me the asshole because it could come off as me being judgmental and unsupportive
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Your concerns are 100% valid bringing a child into a chaotic, unstable environment affects more than just the parents. That said, telling someone they “shouldn’t have a baby” is a conversation that can go south really fast, especially coming from a sibling. If you do say something, keep it focused on concern for the child’s well-being, not judgment of their lifestyle. But ultimately, you can’t stop them all you can do is voice your worries with compassion and hope they listen.
Instead, talk to them in a friendly way about what they see themselves doing in two years, five years, ten years. Ask them about how much money they would like to make next year ideally and what kind of job they would like to get them that money. Don’t have opinions, just draw them out like you are musing idly about it.
If they bring up a baby, ask if they have medical insurance and then casually ask them look up how much it would cost without insurance as if you are just curious. Ask if she’s afraid of tearing or having stitches and stretch marks. And so on. Get them thinking.
NTA. Now is the time to consider yourself. This will end badly and I can see several scenario’s involving you raising or paying for raising their child. That is a non-starter. Protect yourself.
Your concerns are legitimate and I feel for any child that comes out of that. You need to look out for yourself. And always demand a paternity test if you are put in any situation where you bear any type of responsibility.
YTA. It’s not that you don’t have valid concerns, but telling someone that they should not have a baby never ends well for the person initiating the talk. How do you think that will actually go? You are being judgmental and unsupportive. Your Mom isn’t helping him by enabling your brother. The best thing you can do here is to keep out of it and just refuse to be involved. Don’t give your Brother any kind of material support and keep your opinions to yourself.
Esh, respectfully, you just sound naive thinking telling him that is going to have any kind of an impact at all. The only thing that’s going to happen is they’re still going to continue to do what they want to do and now be angry at you.
YWNBTA. You will seem judgemental, because you are judging them. And rightly so! They should not bring a child into this world.
I don’t think this is an AH situation. You’re absolutely correct that they aren’t in a good position to start a family, but I can’t imagine they will take what you say to heart. You’re better off staying out of it for now, BUT if they bring it up to you (and definitely if they announce their “happy news”), take that opportunity to go on record that you will not be helping…if you don’t plan to, that is. No need to shame or judge; just be matter-of-fact about it.
U gotta tell him but be prepared for what hes gonna say back u gotta show him reality before it’s too late and hes stuck
If you are close enough to them to feel comfortable, try asking them some leading questions. Like “where would the baby sleep?” “Have you priced out things like diapers, strollers, and other baby gear? How about medical insurance and doctor visits for the baby?”
Make it very clear that you will not be available for babysitting or loaning money. After that, all you can do is feel sorry for the kid.
Don’t waste your breath.
YWBTA if you thought relaying him the simple rational outcome of this situation would make him have some major change of heart. Obviously he’s not capable of adult reasoning.
However, you could get it on record with both him and your mom that in no way will you be stepping in to help with childcare or their future expenses if they insist upon doing something so outrageously dumb. Let them screw up their own lives.
If they ask u for money or babysitting or move in with you – just politely decline. Their lack of planning doesn’t consist an “emergency” on your part… keep strong
YTA
They are adults and can make this choice on their own. I can see why this might seem to you like the best choice financially but at the end of the day your opinion isn’t going to matter that much and do you really want to be the aunt/uncle that was against your niece/nephew’s existence?
Side note: If they do get pregnant you should be supportive even if there are times you want to say I told you so
YWBTA because it’s not going to do anything. Do you think they don’t know their situation? If they ask your advice then by all means smgive it to them but unsolicited advice is just going to fall on deaf ears.
You would not BTA. Sometimes the truth hurts, but people need to hear it. There is a difference between an accidental pregnancy and INTENTIONALLY trying to bring a baby into a dysfunctional situation.
Depends – are either of them asking for your opinion or asking you to do something to assist?
If yes, then it would be fine to tell them that you think they don’t have the resources to properly support the child. Or that you do not have resources to contribute including time and energy.
If no, then stay out of it.
And generally, be clear, especially with your mother, that you are not available to help. Honestly, feels a bit like your mother might be encouraging them.
If your mom helps them make that bed, she’s going to have to lie with them in it. That baby will be hers to raise. Don’t say you didn’t warn her. Don’t let them pressure you into babysitting. Only volunteer as much time as you feel comfortable, on your own accord.
YWBTA – Because it’s not your circus and it’s not your monkeys. If you aren’t financially supporting them, you don’t get a say.
Smile and nod and feel blessed that you have better decision making skills.
NTA but he won’t listen.
I wouldn’t say “don’t have a baby” but I agree with the sentiment.
I’d just work to find a way to address your issues without saying “you’ll be awful parents”.
Idk why everyone is saying YTA. Yeah they’re adults but they wanna bring a child into this mess?!
Can’t stop trash from being trash
Why bother, it will just piss everyone off and they are gonna do it anyway. Save your breath.
NTA. I don’t care about your brother’s feelings or his girlfriend’s baby fever. Value instead the suffering of the child they want to create. Maybe by some people’s standards your brother’s feelings are morally more important than a child being born to parents who have zero chance of supporting that child, but they’re fucking stupid.
Tell him. If you think you can stop it from happening, DO. Just don’t expect anyone in your family to be happy about it.
You can tell him what you want but it won’t make any difference
NTA, but I do fear he won’t listen
>>> She just said they’re two adults who can make their own decisions.
Dear OP, read this statement from your mother again and again. Your answer is hidden here.
Make it clear that you will not be funding their offspring in any way, shape or form (outside of normal presents?. That you will not be providing babysitting services. Etc, etc…… set your boundaries before the baby arrives and do not waiver.
If you can start the conversation with “You know I love you, maybe having a baby isn’t the best thing to do …” then you WBTA.
If you start it with “Stop being a dumbass …” YWBTA.
It’s not your business.
You are a sensible AH, not your circus, not your monkeys.
If you are worried about your mother having to support them, the same thing she told you, she is an adult she knows what she is doing.
They are adults. Your mom has zero control or say in what two adults do with their lives and neither do you. Mind your own business and stay in your lane.
Your mom is TA here. She should rip the band aid and kick them out now before they get pregnant.