A bit of context: I (34/M) am in a group chat with about 15 of my friends (30s/40s), all male. One of the friends went to a weekend in a neighboring country and documented one evening in full. I’m talking selfies, videos singing, dancing whatever. The problem arose the next morning. Apparently he went to a hotel with a girl. She went to get a shower and he filmed her, without her knowledge and sent her full on nude video to our chat.
I questioned him and tried to get him to delete the video, at least out of our chat. He got defensive but the worst part was, that one other guy even defended him. I was a bit shocked no one else spoke up and angry at myself. I couldn’t get him to see my point (that it was wrong) and the only thing he said was “You don’t know her, if it’s your moral code then delete the video for yourself or don’t watch it”. Since then (sunday) it’s been quiet in the chat and no one else spoke up since.
I’m angry and disappointed. I really thought the teenage years are gone by and I don’t have to deal with stuff like that anymore. Most of those men are married, some have kids, some even daughters themselves. What do I do? Do I open the discussion again? Do I leave the chat? I even thought about finding the woman and telling her what happened (he documented everything, even her face). WIBTA if I involved the wives of my friends? If I’m not able to bring my point home, maybe they are.
Mostly I don’t know how to face him again. I can’t just let it go and play nice again next time we’re out. How do I handle the friend group?
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A bit of context: I (34/M) am in a group chat with about 15 of my friends (30s/40s), all male. One of the friends went to a weekend in a neighboring country and documented one evening in full. I’m talking selfies, videos singing, dancing whatever. The problem arose the next morning. Apparently he went to a hotel with a girl. She went to get a shower and he filmed her, without her knowledge and sent her full on nude video to our chat.
I questioned him and tried to get him to delete the video, at least out of our chat. He got defensive but the worst part was, that one other guy even defended him. I was a bit shocked no one else spoke up and angry at myself. I couldn’t get him to see my point (that it was wrong) and the only thing he said was “You don’t know her, if it’s your moral code then delete the video for yourself or don’t watch it”. Since then (sunday) it’s been quiet in the chat and no one else spoke up since.
I’m angry and disappointed. I really thought the teenage years are gone by and I don’t have to deal with stuff like that anymore. Most of those men are married, some have kids, some even daughters themselves. What do I do? Do I open the discussion again? Do I leave the chat? I even thought about finding the woman and telling her what happened (he documented everything, even her face). WIBTA if I involved the wives of my friends? If I’m not able to bring my point home, maybe they are.
Mostly I don’t know how to face him again. I can’t just let it go and play nice again next time we’re out. How do I handle the friend group?
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> I could be TA if I tattled to the wives of my friends, also I don’t know what will happen to the offender, if he would even understand that what he did was wrong. I’m sure most would not appreciate my involving the wives for something that happened in the male group chat.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your friend is a criminal, find new friends
Hell no you would not be the ah wth
Well, I don’t know exactly what the best course of action is here but I think you could do any or all of the things you suggest and you’re NTA.
Your friend is a creep and (in many jurisdictions) a criminal. He deserves to be shamed and so do your other friends for not speaking up.
NTA. It’s a crime and your friend is a major creep. The women around him need to know what he’s actually like.
This is the kind of shit you should end friendships over. The one who defended him is no better.
NTA- I would seriously consider cutting contact with the guy who recorded the video and the ones who are defending him because anyone who thinks it’s ok to record and distribute nude videos of someone without their consent is a shit person and I wouldn’t want them around me or my family.
NTA for confronting the guy who made the film.
Biggest asshole ever if you try to get the other guys, who had nothing to do with it, in trouble with their spouses.
I don’t think you’re realistically going to find some random woman in another country to let her know. Only you can decide if you want to break contact with over a dozen friends over this.
NTA and it is kinda crazy how your friends were complacent. I think you should alert his wife, but maybe see if you can facilitate a conversation with your partner and yourself (?) good luck
NTA. You need to rethink which of these guys you want to stay friends with going forward. At the very least you should remove yourself from that group chat after explaining to the rest why you won’t condone that behavior.
ESH – You state in the group chat “I will be taking this video to the authorities IMMEDIATELY. My copy is saved with screenshots of origin , I recommend everyone in here get their phones scrubbed of any and all illicit material since you pigs all seem silently complicit, and I question some of you have even worse material saved. Your names will be shared with authorities as well. I will be abandoning a “friend” group that supports gateway rape, non-consensual pornography, and the exploitation of women. Prepare your statements for the police and the women who unknowingly harbour sex offenders in their lives today.”
Anyways, that’s what a guy who actually stands up for women would do. Anything other then that your the AH. Your choice obviously.
NTA, I would never hang around with this person, nor those who defended him and I would leave the chat group.
Report it. Or find the woman and let her report it. Since this is another country, you need to check its laws.
This is a criminal offense in the USA in most states.
>Private Places: Recording someone in a private space without their consent is usually illegal and can have serious legal consequences. These private spaces can include someone’s home, a restroom, a dressing room, or a hotel room.
>Such actions may constitute invasion of privacy and could lead to civil lawsuits or even criminal charges like voyeurism.
>Many states have specific laws prohibiting recording in such private settings.
Edit to add EU:
>Under the EU’s General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR), which protects personal data and privacy, videotaping someone without their consent and posting it online may be illegal, particularly if the person is identifiable.
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Leave this friend group they are disgusting men
And I think their wives need to know whether they believe you or not show them the video
This kind of shit goes on because men don’t speak
NTA. I’d share it with the wives and gossip of the whole chat group. Shame on anyone who doesn’t speak out against the victimization of this woman.
NTA. What is your friend did was wrong on all levels. The woman needs to know so she can press charges if she wants to. And your friends’ wives should know as well b/c again what your friend did is majorly wrong, and the fact no one else wants to speak up speaks volumes about how they feel about what he did.
NTA: Yeah that’s not cool. My guys wouldn’t do that, and if they did they would no longer be my guys.
I wouldn’t rat them into their wives, I’d just distance myself, but that’s a personal preference I have.
NTA. But I do think if this friend has a partner that they atleast know what behavior is going on behind any backs. And the friend who defended him also, if he has a partner I would let her know what his behavior is leaning towards. That is creepy and if they have daughters especially. They need to be caught up to maybe open their eyes that if he acts like that at this age. Imagine what his daughters or nieces have to deal with.. creeps like him their whole lives. Imagine trying to defend his daughter from someone who acts exactly like himself…
NTA. I would just create a new group with all the wives and in that make the first post to the pervy friend that illegally photographed a woman, asking him to delete the illegal video he wook of the woman in the shower from the mend group chat. Maybe try and name it the same so that he doesnt even realize he’s posting in the men only chat.
And that would
NOT fall back on the other friends with their wives as they didnt post it and can say they didnt look at it/see it.
And despite it being in another country, it may still be illegal in yours. Report him to the authorities.
This is what women talk about when we talk about good men. A group of 15 men, 1 did a bad deed, 13 men ignored it and only 1 man did something. Of those 15 men how many consider themselves to be good guys?
Now the 1 actual good guy is questioning his actions and even now, are you really doing the right thing?
What he did is a crime. Are you going to report it?
Are you going to let the woman know? How many of these men have partners? Will you let their spouses know? Do you think this is the first time this has happened?
Obv NTA. Anyone condoning that behavior is trash and you should just cut ties. Bunch of creeps.
You are NTA to object to this. If she didn’t consent to the video, it was a crime to film it, and to share it. If she did consent, he’s still cheating on his partner and being really creepy. I don’t think it would be wrong to ask your wife about it, or even to report it to the police. But whether you do that or not, I’d leave the chat and find new friends.
I don’t know that you should tell the wives. I think the woman deserves to know she’s been violated and turned into amateur porn. Are these friends of the character you want in your life? Because, realistically, telling her if she takes action will likely end at least a couple of the relationships. BTW, if my understanding is correct, in at least some US states what he did might be illegal.
NTA. the dude is so shit for doing that and for how he responded. good on you for having morals and being willing to start the conversation.
I would bet you aren’t the only one who was appalled and if you leave, others may follow.
Definitely positively would not be the asshole at all. In fact your friend is an asshole and the other friend that defended him is also an asshole. Let all the wives know and get two new friends.
NTA
It’s nice to see someone with morals. Please tell the victim so that she can protect herself. For practical and safety reasons as well, it is smartest to report and cut ties. If the chat is leaked and it’s found you did nothing, it could look pretty bad for you. Predators like your acquaintance usually vicitmize people they know personally so your loved ones are not safe. It is sickening
NTA, while you’re a good guy for caring you should drop it if you care about having your friend group (not just that guy), you’re gonna lose most if not all of them because “you went too far”
You should not show the video to anybody else because you are distributing without consent. That way. That adds to the problem no matter what your intention.
NTA.
What your friend did was wrong.
NTA. Call the police.
As a woman with a daughter, I’d want to know own if my partner was taking videos or commenting and defending this behavior. You are the bigger man if you tell the wives. If you don’t, I’d say you’re just as guilty as these men.
Wow where to begin. Yes you should be appalled, disgusted, and dismayed. Now imagine how she would feel. Imagine where else he’s sent that video. If he was so disgusting as to film that then God knows what else he’s willing to do. Now for the legal part. If you don’t go to authorities with this you could be found complicit as well. Don’t tell your buddies, don’t tell his wife. Tell the police. This man is a predator and this may not be his first abuse of a woman and certainly won’t be his last if he isn’t stopped. My heart is pounding writing this, it’s so triggering. But you should know that what he did was assault, even if authorities wherever you are disagree. Get yourself away from him and everyone else in that group. The thought of so many men willing to turn a blind eye to that is chilling, don’t be one of them. Also do not go to this woman and tell her about the video. You will trigger her. It’s best if professionals tell her 🙁 Again: Predator. Assault. Police. I’m sorry your friends turned out to suck but he at least you’re not finding out via court summons. Good luck.
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How do you have 15 friends? I only know like 8 people..
NTA if anything, you are exactly what we need more of. And, your friends suck. They are disappointments. Like, what he did is illegal. Yes, immoral, however clearly that doesn’t matter.
Those guys have shown you who they are and it’s bad. I’d think the women would understand your POV.
Nta but also this will probably come out. At a bare minimum tell your wife.
Sounds like you need a new group of friends
Men…
But anyway NTA. Expose your disgusting friends and cut them off
YWNBTA. You would if you didn’t tell the wives and report this illegal activity to the authorities. I assume you know these women for a long time. They deserve to know the kinds of men they married. How horrible for her. How horrible for their wives. All around awful. Ditch these people. I bet you won’t be alone—someone just needs to take the first step.
You call the police.
Your friend is committing a felony.
If you keep the video, send the video to someone, show the video to someone, are a mandated reporter, etc… you are also committing a felony.
Call the police. You do not go around and tell people about it – you call the police because your good buddy is getting you in trouble here too.
So one of them is a creep and a criminal, one other defends him and thinks this is an absolutly ok thing to do, and the rest all think that this isn’t worth talking about, so they are by implication also ok with it.
Do you have their wifes contact info or can you get it? Because yeah, you should absolutly tell all of them. Take screenshots of the conversation about this and send those to them, too. If you don’t have all the contacts, ask the ones you can contact if they can help.
This is an actual crime we are talking about, and any woman should know this, especcially if they have kids with people like that.
Alternatively, you might want to consider going to the police. You basically have access to an illegal video, so you probably shouldn’t download it, but… well, that might be a good question for r/legaladvice . Because if this “friend” did this once and thought it was alright to talk about it so openly, he may have done it before, and probably will again if he gets an opportunity.
If my friends were doing this, I would not be able to be a part of that group chat. Or friend group.
I have higher expectations of the people I associate with.
And I have high expectations of myself. I’m not going to lower myself, and take the self-respect hit, to be around people who would do something so despicable and disgusting. Nor would I want to be around people who would enable it.
It’s not just the sick feeling in my stomach I would get being around them, although that’s part of it.
It’s the sick feeling in my stomach. I would get everyday looking at myself in the mirror, or looking at my partner, knowing what they would think of being married to someone like me. I could never do that to them. I would be so disgusted in myself. I hold myself to a much higher standard.
You just have to ask yourself if you can live with the person looking at themselves in the mirror everyday. And from what I’m reading, you have too much dignity for that. At least I hope you do.
As a wife, I would be proud to be married to a husband who wouldn’t take part in that kind of chat.
NTA I’d say to go as far as to report him to the authorities. I’d tell the wives/partners odmf those involved/defending him. The rest will likely find out pretty quickly but you don’t want to stirr up drama for the guys who weren’t supportive of it and might not have had the chance to tell their partners themselves yet etc – again the other wives will probably rat them out but you’re not involved in that part
NTA- I’d want to know if my partner was letting that shit slide personally. It’s crazy to me that people think you’d be the bad guy for letting someone’s wife know that lol.
What he did was illegal. Not only is it immoral and wrong, imagine how the guy’s wife would feel. NTA. I would tell your wife at least and say she needs to check her husband’s phone because of what he did. He has probably done this before and imagine what other creepy stuff he’s done
This is a great opportunity for you to find out that most of these ‘friends’ are not really friends at all. Make it very clear that anyone who supports this is a bad, and you will not be friends with them anymore. I went through something a bit similar and it was for the best.
My biggest issue, did she consent to being filmed & consent for it to be distributed…if not, depending the laws in that area, what he’s doing is illegal. So beyond morality it becomes a legality. Also, BEYOND ALL THAT it is fucking creep behavior. So absolutely creepy and disturbing. That makes me highly question if that’s the worst he’s done… good for you for standing up and contesting what he’s doing. I would tell everyone in the group who has any sort of female relative around him.
NTA. I would honestly take screenshots, tell your wife get her input on telling everyone else’s wives (specially if the dude who agreed with it is one of the married ones), and then report it to the police.
If you can find the girl on the video and gently broach the subject I would go for it too, otherwise maybe the police is able to do it based on dates and location.
I would rather them out to their ladies. 1 he a stinking loser for doing it. 2. They are losers for not saying anything. I hope this causes an earthquake in your group
updateme
Please tell his wife.
This needs to be reported to authorities who can investigate this crime further. I’m so sorry you are finding this out about your friends. After gathering evidence and reporting it I would leave the group chat and look for more evolved friends.
I’m not defending this guy or what he did. But you’re threatening to probably cause a divorce.
YWBTA if you tell anyone’s wife. Their marriage is not your business. If your friends aren’t up to your standards, leave the group and find new friends.
Both.
You’re an asshole for breaking confidence with your friend group.
You’re not an asshole for finding your friends behavior(s) deplorable and taking whatever future actions you feel necessary to continue on with peace of mind.
That said. You gotta stand somewhere OP. You’re never going to make everyone happy and you’re the only person who has to live with yourself. Do what you feel is just. Sometimes you can’t escape being an asshole to someone.
This is different than exposing an affair. Filming and sharing (even just filming) this woman without her consent is a sexual crime in many places. I say tell everyone, ditch the group, you WNBTA. The reason why sexual crimes persist is that men are not holding other men accountable. Good on you for recognizing this was wrong what he did and wanting to do the right thing. Hopefully, the other men in the group will be inspired by you doing the right thing and can also be braver in the future, and hold themselves and other men accountable to prevent violence against women.
NTA. Your friend is a predator who has committed a crime against this woman. You should report this to the police. Be prepared for them to do nothing about it. If you can get her name, let her know, she might have better luck with a civil suit. Good on you for being the kind of man who is actually trying to make the world a safer place for women. ❤️
Take it up with him – leave the wives out
This is a crime and you should report to authorities immediately
Screenshot that conversation (including the video (not recording, just paused at the start otherwise it’s just you doing the same)) and send it to his wife with your opinion. Leave the chat, block that guy and the one who defended him. NTA.
Tell all their wives, and tell the girl if you can find her. Let your own wife know what’s up before blowing it all up though.
So if I’m reading this correctly, the woman did not consent to the video?
NTA and as a woman, thank you. If I was you I would message your group one time saying how wrong it is and ask them what if that girl was one of their daughters, nieces, sisters, cousin, etc would they all be so silent or ready to defend these actions. Because you can’t and won’t be associated with people who can be ssit there and not call these thinhs. That their silence is as bad as compliance. And then leave the group chat and don’t wait for it to be read or the replies. Those who wish to reach out have your number and can do so.
Also, like others have said, try to find the girl at least and let her know.
This is illegal. Please keep all the messages for proof and try to find this poor girl so she can press charges. Definitely NTA.
NTA. I am pretty sure this falls under the revenge porn umbrella, which makes it illegal. its also incredibly unethical and shows they dont respect women or people very much. I don’t think you’d be out of line at all. they can be held accountable for their actions.
NTA. Follow your own moral compass. Unfortunately that sometimes means blowing up a friendship. Leave the group chat. I think the guys wife should know. If I know how friend group dynamics work word will get out from there. If the law has been broken you need to distance yourself from any liability or culpability. I would do a little research and see what the law says you should do in this situation. Sounds like you need to reevaluate your friend group. If you compromise your morality to avoid rocking the boat then you didn’t have it in the first place.
Updateme
You might just want to take it a bit slower here. If you do anything like what you’ve said you’re done with all 15 of those guys from now on. Not that they condone it, they just didn’t think it was as big of a deal as you and if you do anything like what you’ve described then you will just come across as a huge spazz who is no longer the person they thought they were hanging out with.
You must realize, the group chat did not “go silent”. A new group chat has been created without you. No one is going to be talking in the old chat anymore because you’ve exposed yourself as a “spazz”. And no one wants anything to do with that, even if you’re spazzing about a legitimate thing.
I’m not weighing in on what your friend did, I’m weighing in on the group dynamics that you have concocted here.
There was another comment about “not being able to please everyone” . That is probably your best line of thought here.
Are these 15 dudes your tribe or are they not, that is the question. Keep in mind there is a loneliness epidemic right now amongst men and you seem to be considering blowing up your life about a stupid video no one gives two shits about, they probably all saw that and were like “dudes a asshole for posting that” but then they moved on with their lives.
Good luck
Tell the wives and find new friends. If you don’t speak up, you’re part of the problem.
NTA. Also, if you’re married have your wife join the “are we dating the same guy” group for whatever city he was in and post him with details of that night so you have a chance of finding her. If you’re worried about ramifications it can be posted anonymously but that woman has a right to know. That is her body and is such a violation of her.
Once when we were all very young in the 90s my friend group did something similar. I was the lone vocal opposition and I will forever regret not reporting it at the time.
If the video has her face in it, how could she possibly not know she’s being filmed? I’m just playing devil’s advocate here, I’d get everything correct before you go full white knight. If that was filmed without her consent, then fuck that guy. If you’re letting the stranger you just fucked film you, you, you can’t really control what happens afterwards. And obviously, only you can decide if this is worth blowing things up over. It’s easy for dorks on Reddit to tell you to go blow everything up, but it’s your life. They won’t suffer the consequences, you will. Do you really want to lose all your friends?
Your friends need to find a new friend.
NTA It’s not often we get directly tested on our morals and character in life, and this is it. Not saying anything to the woman in his life makes you complicit honestly. I’m a firm believer in holding my close friends accountable and maintaining a standard of conduct.
I haven’t seen anyone mention this which surprises me — you haven’t said which country but most likely what your friend did is illegal. Not just bad form. Not just gross and invasive. ILLEGAL. This has nothing to do with individual moral codes, your friend is a predator and a distributor of non-consensual pornography (or whatever the laws might call it in the location where it happened.)
In addition to what everyone said about needing new friends, please research that country’s laws and see if you can file a complaint/report. Because that woman needs to know this video is circulating without her consent, and your “friend” needs real consequences. This is bad.
It’s probably right to tell the wives. If you can identify the ones who would definitely support you, tell them first and get their input to go from there.
You did the right thing, you should feel good about that. A lot of times the reaction you get makes it feel like the wrong thing. But doing the right thing is hard, that’s why hardly anyone does it, and it makes for an isolating experience sometimes.
NTA. Please just make a police report asap and don’t repost or share this video except with the police. That woman, knowingly or not, has already been victimized enough. The video of this woman that your friend so freely shares could go anywhere and she may never be able to get away from this exposure. You would not be wrong to tell the wives. I have a feeling they will support you. Thanks for being a decent man OP. Now, finish doing the right thing.
NTA, your friend behaved tastelessly and his wife should know he’s running around behind her back. That said, know you’ll burn the bridge with him and potentially your group — but this sounds like no great loss to me, I wouldn’t want such awful people for friends.
They’ve probably already made a new chat group without you in it
Good on you for saying something. The world needs more men like you. I don’t think it’s worthwhile saying anything further in the group chat but I would be raising it with your wife (if you have one) and other people one on one next time you see them. I don’t know the laws where you are from but it is a crime where I am from.
Ultimately maybe these people aren’t for you? If you don’t share the same moral compass as them. They also sound like gross guys if they can’t see the issue
>documented everything, even her face
Not that I’m saying anything against you, this is totally fucked up. But out of curiosity, how’d he film her face without her knowing?
I’d unfriend these men, OP. I would not want to be part of criminal behavior.
NTA. If the group members have nothing to be ashamed about, then it won’t matter if their wives/partners know.
I personally would like to be made aware if the guy I was with could justify/defend this kind of behaviour. This would change my view of them.
I don’t think you need to necessarily involve the wives of the whole group if you don’t fancy it. However, if the video sharer has a wife or partner, I would definitely inform them. They deserve to know what kind of man their husband/partner is. If they don’t have a better half, maybe tell their mum!
Additionally, I know in the UK, sharing intimate images or films of someone without their consent is a crime. I don’t know where you are, but this is quite possibly the case for you too. As such, it might be an idea to report this to the authorities? Because the woman is in a different country, I’m not sure what the protocol would be, but it’s worth trying.
Finally, you mention at the end ‘how do I handle the friend group?’ Respectfully, why would you want to? Are these the kinds of people you want in your life? Around your wife? Sisters, daughters etc? They have clearly shown that they do not respect or care about this poor woman. I doubt that their apathy (and skeeviness) is limited to just her. You can bow out with your head held high.
Yes, you are the asshole. Just leave the group for all of you, and cut off the contact (I think they will cut off your contact anyway though.)
You need new friends, you don’t share morality.
I think this is the solution for both sides of this: leave the chat and lose the friends.
even thinking about telling their wives tells me more about what kind of friend you are and how they see you. if you break up with them it’ll be a win-win
Seems like you need better friends.
And yes, tell their wives.
If it was my spouse who took that video or who defended the person who took the video, I’d want to know about it.
NYWNBTA and in the US the videographer is guilty of a crime.
NTA. Fuck those guys.
Also please be aware that a person doesn’t have to have a daughter to care about how women are treated. I believe you meant well when you said it, but when you have a minute to think about the meaning of the phrase, you might realize that a woman’s (or anyone’s) identity is not attached to her relationship with a man, a partner, parents, children, or siblings.
Get new friends.
And yes, tell the girl. That’s illegal I’m pretty sure. Let her threaten him with a lawsuit.
I would not be in that friend group any longer, and I would definitely tell my wife why. NTA
Could this fall under revenge porn?
NTA delete the video and don’t hang out with the person who took the video again. I wouldn’t do anything else unless you feel like you have to.
The guy who defended him is an arse probs don’t hangout with him too.
The guys who stayed quiet might be alright they might not want to get involved for a myriad of reasons, doesn’t make it right but might be understandable
That is legally sexual assault, i think
NTA. These are the disgusting sort of people that I wouldn’t have as friends. Let all of the wives know. If theyre all fine with it, cool. If not, then its their fault.
I am a woman. Something similar happened to me. I’m really grateful you’re being the change.
You are a good person. Please don’t change and don’t trust those other guys. You deserve better friends. Yes, leave the chat and know you did the right thing.
How do you have all these friends in your 30s?
Choose your battles. This will alienate you, but atleast you got your principles.
NTA and they have a separate chat going on without you.
Question, how do you know she doesn’t know?
Edit: many people don’t mind, and many others are actively aroused by it, that changes everything in this scenario.
NTA tell everyone including the police, that revenge porn and a crime
U good, its inappropriate and probably illegal u should definitely say it to the culprits wife, the rest you can deal with them however u want, but I really don’t understand doing that when there is no shortage of nsfw content literally everywhere… did he really film it himself (is he really dumb) or is it just internet caught
Ask him flat out in front of everyone if after he stopped the video, did he go in and rape her.
If he gets salty, point out that he’s enough of a gross fucking creep that he’ll film her naked without her knowledge or consent and that absolutely is a sex crime, so he’ll do that but he’s too good a guy to rape her? He’s got moral standing that he’s not a fucking predator towards this vulnerable woman? Nah, he’s a predator and a sex criminal, and these other guys might be happy posting video evidence of their disgusting sex crimes for laughs, but you aren’t having that shit.