I 28 (F) am married to my husband 32 (M) we got married in 2022 and since getting engaged things with my MIL have just gotten worse and worse over the years. We are going on a trip to WI in August to see my husbands extended family. Originally we planned to stay at an air bnb with my MIL, FIL, BIL and his fiancé. We booked the VRBO in Sept of 2024 and things with my MIL have really hit a tipping point
In Nov we found out we were pregnant with our second baby. My MIL never once congratulated me or even said anything about my pregnancy after my husband told them when they had lunch together without me in Feb. In early April we tragically lost our baby at 21 weeks when my water broke. My MIL never once checked in on my husband to see how everyone was doing after the loss of our baby and two trips to the ER due to complications. Every text and call she made after our loss was to see when she could see our living child because she HAD to see him and spend time with him. Flash forward to Easter, my MIL comes to Easter at my parents house and doesn’t speak to me the entire time and did not once try to interact with our living child. She left Easter in a fit for an unknown reason, said goodbye to no one and sat in the car and cried.
MIL has not spoken to us since Easter, including when my husband called and texted on Mother’s Day. We learned from BIL that they had debated getting their own VRBO but realized how close it was to all the family we would be visiting. So she changed her mind and told BIL that she would stay at the VRBO with us still but would not speak to me or my husband.
I want to tell her that she is no longer welcome to stay with us and that she needs to find her own place. Would I be the asshole?
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I 28 (F) am married to my husband 32 (M) we got married in 2022 and since getting engaged things with my MIL have just gotten worse and worse over the years. We are going on a trip to WI in August to see my husbands extended family. Originally we planned to stay at an air bnb with my MIL, FIL, BIL and his fiancé. We booked the VRBO in Sept of 2024 and things with my MIL have really hit a tipping point
In Nov we found out we were pregnant with our second baby. My MIL never once congratulated me or even said anything about my pregnancy after my husband told them when they had lunch together without me in Feb. In early April we tragically lost our baby at 21 weeks when my water broke. My MIL never once checked in on my husband to see how everyone was doing after the loss of our baby and two trips to the ER due to complications. Every text and call she made after our loss was to see when she could see our living child because she HAD to see him and spend time with him. Flash forward to Easter, my MIL comes to Easter at my parents house and doesn’t speak to me the entire time and did not once try to interact with our living child. She left Easter is a fit for an unknown reason, said goodbye to no one and sat in the car and cried.
MIL has not spoken to us since Easter, including when my husband called and texted on Mother’s Day. We learned from BIL that they had debated getting their own VRBO but realized how close it was to all the family we would be visiting. So she changed her mind and told BIL that she would stay at the VEBO with us still but would not speak to me or my husband.
I want to tell her that she is no longer welcome to stay with us and that she needs to find her own place. Would I be the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Tell my MIL that she’s not welcome to stay at the VRBO with us anymore. After not speaking to us for months. 2) because it puts them out of accommodations for the upcoming trip in August
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO:
> She left Easter is a fit for an unknown reason, said goodbye to no one and sat in the car and cried.
No one is curious about this?
She isn’t talking to you, but expects to stay with you? NTA, give her the boot. No freebies without respect
NTA at all, I wouldn’t want that level of toxicity in my life much less sharing a roof with me.
NTA. It sounds like it would be extremely stressful for everyone to be in one house but not talking to each other. If you booked the vrbo and you’re paying for it, you can tell her to find a different place.
Info: did bil say why she wasn’t talking to you and your husband?
NTA but it’s better if your husband is the one who tells his mother. Because it’s his mother.
NTA.. your MIL sounds insufferable. Your husband needs to create and enforce reasonable boundaries.
As for the trip, I either would cancel and let MIL/FIL/BIL and family go to the rental or I would get my own hotel. I sure as shit am not going to spend time in a house with a grown adult that refuses to communicate and acts like a child when she doesn’t get what she wants. I don’t need my vacations wasted because she is a raging AH. I would rather not go on this vacation and plan a separate vacation another time than deal with this type of crap.
Stop putting up with this. Tell MIL to grow up and tell you what is wrong. Tell her to use her big girl voice and tell you what hurts.
She’s willing to stay for free and an accommodation she’s not paying anything for it, but she’s not going to even make any attempt to have a single conversation or speak to either of the people paying for it? Definitely missing in context and there’s a lot being left out people don’t just Act that way for no reason normally. Regardless I wouldn’t want that around me or my children. Your husband needs to deal with this though not you you shouldn’t tell her anything it has to come from him.
INFO: What happened in the six months between September, when you booked the accommodation, and February, when your husband told them without you present that you were halfway through a pregnancy?
Was there a falling out? A weird holiday visit? Zero communication? Does she know you don’t like her, so she’s avoiding you to avoid drama? (Just spitballing because of this gap in the story!)
I think you should have canceled on them months ago, like Easter or before, but you should definitely do it as soon as possible.
NTA, she plans to stay in the same holiday let as yourselves, but is refusing to communicate with you? GTFO. Why would you want to put anyone, her included, through something so miserable?
ESH!
>MIL comes to Easter at my parents house and doesn’t speak to me the entire time and did not once try to interact with our living child.
This only works when it happens on both sides. She would be equally correct in saying that she went to your family home for Easter, and you did not speak to her the entire time, and she was unable(for reasons) to interact with her grandchild.
Unless you did speak to her?
How about being an adult and asking her what’s up? Why are so many immature people married?
NTA but I suggest having your husband tell his mom. You should stay out of it.
Your husband needs to tell her.
INFO: Where is your husband in all of this?
NTA
That behavior after the loss of your child is full cut off territory.
And BIL didn’t tell you or his brother why MIL would do that? Don’t you people talk to each other? I understand MIL blocks it but if this happened the remaining family would gossip so much in my area
NTA
Your husband needs to talk to his mother and explain that her saying she was planning on RUINING the vacation and make you really uncomfortable is why she is uninvited. She is not the main character in this story.
So she changed her mind and told BIL that she would stay at the VRBO with us still but would not speak to me or my husband.
Um, no, absolutely not. If the reservation is under your name, your husband should tell her that she is not sharing accommodations, and needs to make other arrangements.
If BIL made the reservation, husband needs to let him know that y’all will not be sharing space with her, so if she’s in, you’re out.
If she can’t show basic courtesy, there’s no reason to interact with her.
You need to talk to your husband and let him take more responsibility for how you two interact with his family.
Has he talked with your BIL or FIL or even his own mom to learn what her issue is? (Do you know why she started having problems with you or why she stopped talking to you?)
Has he ever told his mom that her ignoring you is completely unacceptable?
Have you and he discussed how you two would respond (as a team) to this behavior?
It doesn’t sound like MIL has been ignoring your husband. So why is he lumped into in with you for her to ignore at the VRBO? Why did she come to YOUR parents’ home if she has such a problem with you? Have you or your husband asked family what upset her at that gathering?
Does your husband actually have your back?
Her behavior sounds horrible. But it also seems as if some key INFO is missing.
NTA. Your peace and comfort during a vacation, especially after everything you’ve been through, should be a priority.
I d tell her we are grieving and have to stay by ourselves.
You are the A
Listen, I truly sorry for your loss. But at the end of the day that is your partners mother. I would just let my personal issues with her go and let her stay if it’s important to your partner.
You don’t know why she is how she is. If she didn’t talk to you at some party, doesn’t that mean you didn’t talk to her either? have you’ve made an effort to connect with her? be her friend?
There’s something missing here. What have you said to MIL? What communication has your husband had with his mother? People don’t act like this just because. And it’s weird you have no description of your own efforts to communicate with her about all this, good or bad communication.
YWBTA, as that’s your spouse’s mother and their responsibility to tell their Mother to find a new place.
Why is your MIL angry with you?
I’m so confused. Why is she mad at you? Why was she crying in the car??
NTA. Why would you wanna go on vacation and stay in the same place as someone that’s not even talking to you get your own place and leave her and the rest of the family to make their own plans how can you put up with this disrespect?
Ugh as a boy Mom I often try and give the MIL some leeway however she sounds like a huge B. NTA
Who’s paying for the VRBO?
If husband & you are, then he can tell her she’s out.
It has to come from your husband – all Interactions should be done by him to his & you to yours.
Never should you be telling off or setting boundaries with his family & vice versa.
I am sorry for your loss. I definitely would not have that woman stay with me. Protect your peace.
This post uses VRBO so often it feels like an advert.
There’s something going on, much deeper than a simple conversation can fix. This is your husband’s issue to manage. Is she like this with your BIL’s fiancee?
I would have your husband tell his brother you guys will be getting your own place. Until his mom works out her issues with you, no sense in suffering in silence when she’s around. NTA
NTA but I wouldn’t tell her to find her own place – she wont and then will tell you she has nowhere else to go and will force you to let her stay and make you completely miserable. Either cancel the VRBO and tell everyone to find their own place, or keep the booking but get a different place for your family.
So sorry for your loss.
But, did YOU try to talk to HER at Easter? I mean, it’s a two-way street. Maybe she feels left out because you didn’t call her and grieve with her like you most likely did with your mother. People can get a really skewed sense of how others should act and don’t always look at it from the other perspective. Your husband needs to find out what’s going on and set her straight if she thinks you should have been the one to communicate with her after your loss.
Nta your husband needs to deal with this 100%. If they won’t even speak to you, go visit extended family another time when they aren’t there
INFO wha
This seems like it’s missing information. What was the fallout over? She expresses to other people she doesn’t like you and husband. Was there an instance that triggered this?
YMBTA… I would have your husband communicate to your in-laws that, unless MIL can explain her contempt toward you, you refuse to allow her to share your accommodations on your family vacation. If she just doesn’t like you, she should be an adult and say so. Leave the ball in her court.
NTA given you and your husnand are aligned and you communicate your frustration and disappointment like adults. It sounds like your MIL is playing victim and not considering the consequences of her inconsideration, but it sure sounds like youre holding onto some unspoken resentment yourself. Don’t be like her. Don’t over-explain. If you aren’t ready to forgive her then let that be what it is.
NTA
Protect your child at all costs, go no contact with her.
I’m sorry for the loss of your second child, that is just heartbreaking, my heart goes out to you and your family ❤️
I feel like something is missing from this post. it feels kinda dry. I think it’s like you’re watching a trainwreck happen without trying to put on the brakes? I’m not sure. That said, how does your husband react knowing about your relationship with your mil. did you and your mil try to work things out? I guess what i want to know is how/why did your mil started going bad. You have to get to the root of the problem of why she doesn’t like you to be able to respond/react to her.
Also, this is your mil, so it’s not someone you can cut contact with and forget about. It’s still your husband’s mother.
NTA. Why should you share a dwelling with a person who can’t be civil?
NWBTA. You are absolutely within your rights to say she cannot stay in the VRBO if she refuses to engage with you civilly. If she doesn’t want to be around you, then she can stay somewhere else.
ESH. The story doesn’t really add up; it feels like we’re missing information. Your MIL celebrated Easter at your parents’ house but didn’t talk to you? It’s strange that MIL would feel comfortable visiting your parents but then give you the silent treatment during that same visit, then leave in a fit for “an unknown reason” to go cry in the car. One explanation that would match the observations is that your MIL felt that it was you (and/or your husband) who were being hostile to her, went to the Easter thing hoping for the best, but ultimately felt so shut out that she left. It’s hard to believe that the person who is crying in the car is really the aggressor. But, I also think she is wrong for deciding that she will share your VRBO but just ignore you. You should all get together, prepare to accept some responsibility, and talk it out.
NTA but your husband should be the one to tell her.