Hi all, I’m hoping for a take on this situation.
Three years back, my niece came to live with me after her mom and stepdad moved out of state. The understanding was that she’d stay behind and live with me while they relocated. I agreed to let her live with my wife and I without paying rent or other expenses. The formal agreement was that she would prioritize college and work toward some kind of educational or career goal. I didn’t care what major.
However, that didn’t happen. She didn’t enroll in school at the time, and for the past three years hasn’t taken any visible steps towards a degree. She does have a job and pays for her own phone plan and luxuries, but I cover all housing-related costs. Recently, she mentioned she’s taking some classes, but I haven’t seen any evidence of this. She doesn’t bring it up, and conversations are usually about work or our news but not school. Explicitly asking gets me generic replies.
The bigger issue, though, is her living habits. Her room is extremely messy I’ve found trash (like a disposable spork) outside her door, and when I get a look inside, I can’t even see the floor through all the clothes and boxes. I’ve asked her multiple times to clean it, and she always says she will, but nothing changes. My wife has also tried talking to her, with no success.
When her mom talked to her about moving back, my niece refused and said she felt abandoned because my sister chose to move out of state despite choosing to remain in our home state and city. Her feelings are valid, but I don’t think that is fair to my sister that my niece claims she was abandoned.
At this point, my wife and I both feel that it’s time for her to move out. I’m offering her two clear options: she can live with her mom and stepdad, or with her dad and his wife. But I don’t think she can continue living here when there’s no real plan, progress, or respect for the space.
So, WIBTA if I told her it’s time to move out and choose between living with her mom or her dad? I’m not trying to be cruel, but I don’t think this arrangement is healthy or fair anymore.
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Hi all, I’m hoping for a take on this situation.
Three years back, my niece came to live with me after her mom and stepdad moved out of state. The understanding was that she’d stay behind and live with me while they relocated. I agreed to let her live with my wife and I without paying rent or other expenses. The formal agreement was that she would prioritize college and work toward some kind of educational or career goal. I didn’t care what major.
However, that didn’t happen. She didn’t enroll in school at the time, and for the past three years hasn’t taken any visible steps towards a degree. She does have a job and pays for her own phone plan and luxuries, but I cover all housing-related costs. Recently, she mentioned she’s taking some classes, but I haven’t seen any evidence of this. She doesn’t bring it up, and conversations are usually about work or our news but not school. Explicitly asking gets me generic replies.
The bigger issue, though, is her living habits. Her room is extremely messy I’ve found trash (like a disposable spork) outside her door, and when I get a look inside, I can’t even see the floor through all the clothes and boxes. I’ve asked her multiple times to clean it, and she always says she will, but nothing changes. My wife has also tried talking to her, with no success.
When her mom talked to her about moving back, my niece refused and said she felt abandoned because my sister chose to move out of state despite choosing to remain in our home state and city. Her feelings are valid, but I don’t think that is fair to my sister that my niece claims she was abandoned.
At this point, my wife and I both feel that it’s time for her to move out. I’m offering her two clear options: she can live with her mom and stepdad, or with her dad and his wife. But I don’t think she can continue living here when there’s no real plan, progress, or respect for the space.
So, WIBTA if I told her it’s time to move out and choose between living with her mom or her dad? I’m not trying to be cruel, but I don’t think this arrangement is healthy or fair anymore.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. It is an ask as opposed to an action. I’m not sure if there is another sub for WIBTA. My family is very family-centric.
I just want to know if I am doing the right thing. Maybe relationship advice might be better or some family advice sub please let me know if there is one.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, I get it as she is working steadily now but you don’t note how old she is. You could say something like “When I mentioned 3 years ago about staying here, it was the understanding you’d enroll in school, which hasn’t happened. I think now that you’re older it best you move to be with either parent again but I am sorry but the arrangement at the moment needs to come to an end. Ideally you’d make a decision and move out on X date”
The messy room and disrespect of your space there is a separate issue which if mentioned she could promise to clean up and change but isn’t the real issue of why I think you’re over hosting her..
YWNBTA.
You have two valid reasons for not wanting this to continue: her messy habits (which sound like filth, not just untidiness), and the fact that she pays you no rent and does not contribute towards household expenses.
No one is entitled to a rent-free life unless they are a minor, or studying, or actively and genuinely looking for work, or too disabled to work. Your niece has a job? Then she has an income and can afford to pay you.
If you’re worried about coming across as cruel, you could consider letting her stay on condition that she starts paying her way and cleans up her mess.
If she kicks up a fuss, or says she will and then fails to deliver, you can then show her the door.
NTA this was supposed to be a temporary solution until she went to college. You did not agree to house her indefinitely. It’s time to have that conversation.
(I am not sure why her father didn’t house his child in the first place0.
NTA. Talk to her calmly and explain that 3yrs is a long time and since she’s not keeping the terms you agreed upon (her working on her degree) it’s time for her to be an adult and be responsible for herself. She’s not contributing anything, not even cleaning her own room. you can also talk to your sister too, let her know and let her tell you niece to move out.
NTA – not your child, not your problem.
NTA. You had an agreement; she has failed to fulfill even its most basic terms. The agreement should have been ended mch sooner.
INFO how old is your niece?
NTA. You had an agreement and she’s not fulfilling it.
NTA. Sounds like she’s taken advantage of your willingness to help. Frankly, you’re guilty of letting it go on far too long and letting her get away with too much. When you give her the ultimatum, get ready to hear how YOU’RE abandoning her now and that no one cares about her. She’ll drag that line to death.
NTA.
She can’t assume to be able to live with you for the rest of her life. Neither frankly should she assume to live with either of her parents for the rest of her life.
She sounds like she needs to do a bit of growing up, and living with you that just isn’t happening. That doesn’t sound like because of anything you are doing, she’s just sounds too comfortable and not being pressured too much into doing anything.
It sounds like you’ve gone past the point of no return, but you could say that the reason she is here is to study, and that she can only remain if she is actually doing that. Maybe offer to help her find some courses and enrol in them to push her along (because yeah she ain’t doing it if you ain’t helping her). But if you feel that it is already too late for that then yeah, its time to go.