WIBTA, For telling my mom im upset she did a bad job cat sitting for me?
I (18f) havent done anything yet but I’m fuming and i need to know if it’s valid or not.
First context my brother (23m) joined the military so i get his house yay part of it is his cats come with the house Twig and Barry and i brought my cat from home Miss Grayson (aka Missy) I’ve raised her from a kitten and she’s always been my best friend and my baby.
Apparently a few months ago, I promised my uncle that I would housesit for his new puppy and cat now I have no memory of this either I didn’t register what he was asking me or he never actually asked me and just thought he did, but I agreed which does sound like me and he only reminded me a few days before he left so it was a scramble to find someone to watch my house and I was panicking so my mom and dad offered (they offered) to come up and feed them twice a day i was relieved what could go wrong?
Now in return I offered to take turns having both of my brothers at my uncles house, wondering in the morning all morning until lunchtime and then one from lunchtime till about dinner time as the sort of summer camp so that my mom and my dad wouldn’t have to deal with them during the day i was fine with it.
Now the start of the week she would let me know when she fed them morning and night and I was happy with it but the last few days she would laugh about how oh she forgot to feed them this morning, but she’ll feed them dinner or she totally forgot yesterday and didn’t do it at all and it annoyed me, but it was free labor. I wasn’t paying them or anything so I wasn’t totally upset. They’re pretty round cats so they could go without a meal or two I understood.
But three days ago on Saturday, they let me know that somehow my front door had been left open and Missy had gotten out and have been missing for an unknown amount of time.
Missy had been an outdoor cat at my parents house, but since we moved, I kept her as strictly indoor cat since we were there in the middle of town near the road now I’m terrified im gonna come home from work and found her hit by a car.
im just so upset, she was literally all i had left. Why i haven’t confronted my family is because they (my mom) cant take criticism at all even if i said it so nicely i.e “hey mom I’m so grateful you offered to look after my cats but missy is gone and im really upset about it” that would end in my mother freaking out and saying that shes a horrible person and i should never ask her for anything again and i work daily with my dad so that will just be awkward. Ive spent my whole life biting my tongue around them but i feel like this is the final straw would i be the a-hole for doing something about this? And if not what can i do?
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WIBTA, For telling my mom im upset she did a bad job cat sitting for me?
I (18f) havent done anything yet but I’m fuming and i need to know if it’s valid or not.
First context my brother (23m) joined the military so i get his house yay part of it is his cats come with the house Twig and Barry and i brought my cat from home Miss Grayson (aka Missy) I’ve raised her from a kitten and she’s always been my best friend and my baby.
Apparently a few months ago, I promised my uncle that I would housesit for his new puppy and cat now I have no memory of this either I didn’t register what he was asking me or he never actually asked me and just thought he did, but I agreed which does sound like me and he only reminded me a few days before he left so it was a scramble to find someone to watch my house and I was panicking so my mom and dad offered (they offered) to come up and feed them twice a day i was relieved what could go wrong?
Now in return I offered to take turns having both of my brothers at my uncles house, wondering in the morning all morning until lunchtime and then one from lunchtime till about dinner time as the sort of summer camp so that my mom and my dad wouldn’t have to deal with them during the day i was fine with it.
Now the start of the week she would let me know when she fed them morning and night and I was happy with it but the last few days she would laugh about how oh she forgot to feed them this morning, but she’ll feed them dinner or she totally forgot yesterday and didn’t do it at all and it annoyed me, but it was free labor. I wasn’t paying them or anything so I wasn’t totally upset. They’re pretty round cats so they could go without a meal or two I understood.
But three days ago on Saturday, they let me know that somehow my front door had been left open and Missy had gotten out and have been missing for an unknown amount of time.
Missy had been an outdoor cat at my parents house, but since we moved, I kept her as strictly indoor cat since we were there in the middle of town near the road now I’m terrified im gonna come home from work and found her hit by a car.
im just so upset, she was literally all i had left. Why i haven’t confronted my family is because they (my mom) cant take criticism at all even if i said it so nicely i.e “hey mom I’m so grateful you offered to look after my cats but missy is gone and im really upset about it” that would end in my mother freaking out and saying that shes a horrible person and i should never ask her for anything again and i work daily with my dad so that will just be awkward. Ive spent my whole life biting my tongue around them but i feel like this is the final straw would i be the a-hole for doing something about this? And if not what can i do?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I snapped at my mom about my cat even though I know she can’t handle criticism without spiraling. And I told her the house is messy, the cats smell, and it feels overwhelming, and now she’s very upset. I worry I went too far and hurt her when I could have kept it to myself.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA; your parents lost your cat. Of course you should tell them.
NTA. You asked them to do the bare minimum and they couldn’t even manage that. You’re completely valid for being upset. Your mom might not take criticism well, but that doesn’t make you wrong for feeling hurt. It just means you can’t rely on her for pet care in the future. I know how hard it is to stand up to parents, but that doesn’t mean you have to swallow your feelings.
YTA, confronting your parents is an essential part of finding the cat. Have you called shelters? When was she lost? What’s going on?
NTA at all. You trusted her with something important, and she didn’t take it seriously… your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to express them, even if she doesn’t handle it well.
NTA. Your mother’s outbursts are a form of emotional manipulation to get exactly this: you afraid to make her accountable for anything she’s done wrong. This is huge. You were roped into petsitting/housesitting when you have your own animals to care for. Your parents agreed to help. You DID PAY – you took your brothers on as well on top of uncle’s pets for “summer camp” to give your parents time off. They, in turn “forgot” some meals and also left your home insecure “somehow” and Missy got out. They are not making any amends ie searching for Missy, making calls etc. They are showing no concern for what matters to you and a LIVING CREATURE.
You have every right to be upset. If you had let your brother “accidentally wander away” while at Uncle’s house, would you be permitted to cry about being “the worst” to get out of explaining yourself or making amends?
Send mom a firm but polite “I am really scared and upset about Missy and disappointed that you failed to keep up with feedings on schedule and secure the house properly. I know mistakes can happen, but she needed care and is dependent on us like a child. What will you do to help me find her?”
Any tantrums and spiralling should be met with “I understand you are also upset, but right now we need to find Missy and this is not helpful. I need you to help.” Rinse and repeat until she does something useful or stops it.
If dad gets upset, ask him if he would expect you to take responsibility if you accidentally lost Uncle’s puppy or if it would be okay to cry and be upset instead of trying to make it right to uncle? Mistake or not, you should try to fix it and apologize, right? Uno reverse him.
I hope Missy is found!
NTA
if one of my cats went missing I would be absolutely unhinged. Anybody who got their feelings hurt about it could just get the f out of my way.
She’s been missing for DAYS and they didn’t TELL YOU?!
They are obviously not responsible enough to ever be trusted around any of your animals ever again.
I am so very very sorry this happened to you, and I hope you find your cat!
“would i be the a-hole for doing something about this?” YTA for not already doing something about this. First thing should have been to have parents tell you exactly what happened. The door wasn’t “somehow” left open. One or both of them did it.
Have you called shelters? Checked online list/found pets and put up Missy on these sites? Have you hung flyers? Talked to your neighbors? Driven around looking for her? What you don’t do (yet seems to be what you’ve chosen) is throw your hands up and say ‘she’s gone. Nothing I can do to find her.’ Get looking for her now!
NTA.
Your mom was careless and didn’t take seriously her commitment to feeding your pets. It is quite reasonable to tell her that her carelessness resulted in the loss of your beloved cat, and that you’re very upset.
If she takes it badly, her hurt feelings are hers to manage. If she starts in with the “I’m a horrible person and you should never ask me for anything ever again” amateur dramatics, she’s just doing to manipulate you into backing down and apologizing. Don’t fall for it.
That said… you would be wise never to ask her to care for your pets again, and probably not ask for anything else that requires commitment and reliability from her. She’s demonstrated that she can’t be relied upon. If you need something done, and you can’t do it yourself, and it’s really important to you, ask someone else.
Also, I note how this whole thing started:
Apparently a few months ago, I promised my uncle that I would housesit for his new puppy and cat now I have no memory of this either I didn’t register what he was asking me or he never actually asked me and just thought he did, but I agreed which does sound like me and he only reminded me a few days before he left so it was a scramble to find someone to watch my house and I was panicking…
It started because you were unable to be assertive with your uncle.
I sense that your default position in life is to assume that you’re the one who is wrong. You’re thinking that either your uncle’s request didn’t register, or your memory is faulty. Only as a third possibility do you consider that it might actually be your uncle who was at fault (“he never actually asked me and just thought he did”), but even then, you agreed anyway. Are you a people-pleasing sort of person? Do you find it hard to say “no”, no matter how unreasonable the request?
Here’s what I would have done. (And I realize this advice is too late – what’s past is past – but a script like this might help next time you want to say “no” to someone but you’re having trouble finding the words.)
When Uncle mentioned the house-sitting a few days before leaving, I’d have said “I don’t remember agreeing to this, Uncle. When did you ask me? What exactly did you say? What exactly did I say?” Put the ball firmly back in his court.
It’s possible that what he says next might jog my memory, but if it doesn’t, I’d say “Nope, I don’t even have any memory of you asking this, let alone agreeing to it. Especially given that to take on this commitment for you, I’d have to upend my living arrangements and find someone to care for my OWN pets. Basically, in solving YOUR problem, you’d be creating one for ME. That’s a very big deal for me. I wouldn’t have agreed to something like that without a lot of thought. So, no, Uncle, you’re going to have to find someone else to care for your pets, or book them into a kennel/cattery. I can’t help.” And if he’s annoyed with me, so be it.
You’re only 18, and the idea of standing up to people much older than you and saying “No” is probably a bit scary. But you’re allowed to do it, and you CAN do it. Best of luck.
NTA – You didn’t lose her children, but she lost your cat. Of course, you are upset.
You can’t control how she reacts. That’s not your responsibility – it is hers. If she melts down, she will get over it eventually – that is just her flailing around when she is held accountable.
It’s designed to keep you silent. Her meltdowns are manipulative to get you to feel bad for telling her she did something wrong. You aren’t responsible for making her feel okay. She is an adult and needs to manage acknowledging she messed up.
Tell them the truth. You are upset they were careless and lost your cat.
You WNBTA, and it’s a good idea to confront your parents, and maybe let them know you can no longer trust them to help you. Your moms overreaction to criticism could be a tactic to avoid responsibility and continue pressing your boundaries.
It’s possible she was intending on doing a bad job the whole time in order to prove some kind of point, or it’s even possible she got rid of or took your cat on purpose. Do the other cats really have no desire to go outside if the door is left open for hours? Is there any reason she might have a grudge against you or your cat?
I of course hope it was a genuine accident. It’s just that she sounds a bit like people in my family who use this kind of weaponized incompetence for ulterior motives.
Wtf, you mom sounds INFURIATING… “oh hahaha, I forgot to feed your cat.” “hehehe, I accidentally lost your cat. silly me.”
FUCK THAT! That woman needs to know exactly what she has done. Don’t sugar coat it. You WNBTA for telling her off but you will be TA if you continue to ignore her incompetence.
NTA. How does someone just leave a door open? Sounds like they got rid of your cat. Honestly this makes me sick to my stomach. I had an emotionally manipulative mother so I know the drama they can bring, but she is totally at fault here and should be groveling when she’s not out looking for your cat. And you know, she should feel bad. If she says she’ll never do anything for you again, just agree.
I know it’s easy for me to say this as she’s not mu mom.
I really hope your cat comes home.
NTA.
NTA. Not at all.
I am sorry that your parents are unaccountable.
I get it. They are your parents, and you work with your dad. However, this is going to bother you for a long time. You need to say something.
Keep it brief and factual. Have a plan of escape when you are done speaking so that you can leave and they can have time to process. You don’t need to be there when they want to defend themselves. Say something like…
“Mom, Dad, I need to speak with you about something that I’m upset about. I ask that you hear me out. You let my cat out. This is not like you left the ice cream out and it melted, this is my cat. You often forgot to feed them after offering to help, and now my cat is gone. I’m upset that they were clearly not a priority for you and I wish you cared more. “
Then you walk away. For at least an hour to give you some time.
Since you know how she will react and you don’t like it, just use the consequence of it instead. Never give her such responsibilities ever again. If she questions later on, you will answer politely that there has been previous experience where she did not know how to take responsibility for what was yours. She also did not know the full extent of how to handle an apology. 1. Acknowledge what happend. 2. Appologise. 3. Make it up.
NTA
YWNBTA if you tell your mum that you’re disappointed that she wasn’t a responsible cat sitter.
You will also be NTA if you talk generally about your feelings that Missy is missing. Scared, sad, frustrated, worried etc.
Now, it sounds like your mum just… Isn’t going to be a compassionate audience for your very normal and typical feelings about this situation. You know this already. So maybe you speak your mind and agree with your mum that yes, she SHOULD feel bad about this. You start shaping your relationship with your parents into something different from what it has been so far.
Or maybe you decide that you can’t deal with your mum’s feelings bomb right now, and you say nothing. Vent to your friends, co-workers, neighbours, whoever. Decide that you aren’t going to rely on your mum again, and pull back.
Also, tip for the missing cat: put a box with an unwashed hoodie or some of your bedding in the yard, along with a water bowl. Cats have a great sense of smell, and it’ll help Missy find her way back home.
I would be beside myself with remorse if I lost someone’s pet while they were under my care. It’s weird that they’ve been so casual about it. Did they even apologize? YWNBTA.
My cats are my children I would be scorched earth pissed off if something happened to them. NTA And your mother sounds like a narcissist.