I 38M met this girl 40F in college back when I was 17 and she was 19. I developed feelings for her. But she had a boyfriend who was a few years older than her who went to the same college.
I kep my feelings a secret for years but I finally confessed near the end of college. Of course, it made things a bit awkward between us but we remained friends. She broke up with her boyfriend a while after, and while telling me about it she said she didn’t want to get into another relationship anytime soon.
I took it as a hint that she didn’t want me to ask her out, because she knew I was still interested in her. I respected her wishes and gave her space but she started dating someone else about a month after. I felt hurt and betrayed and decided to give up on her.
A few years later, I met someone else and got married maybe too soon. She got married too the next year and we’ve since fallen out of touch. After 15 years I’m divorced but on good terms with my ex-wife and we are co-parenting our 2 kids.
Recently, I remembered the girl I used to know, and I realized I haven’t spoken to her in a decade or even caught a glimpse of her in years. I’m tempted to reach out to her and ask her how she’s doing, but I’m thinking maybe it would be too selfish of me.
It’s not like I want anything from her. As far as I know, she’s still happily married and is raising her children with her husband. Would I be intruding if I try to say hello? Should I just stay away out of respect for her?
EDIT:
Thanks for all the responses. I realize the whole idea was stupid to begin with. I will NOT be reaching out to my friend – not to see how she’s doing or otherwise.
Comments
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I 38M met this girl 40F in college back when I was 17 and she was 19. I developed feelings for her. But she had a boyfriend who was a few years older than her who went to the same college.
I kep my feelings a secret for years but I finally confessed near the end of college. Of course, it made things a bit awkward between us but we remained friends. She broke up with her boyfriend a while after, and while telling me about it she said she didn’t want to get into another relationship anytime soon.
I took it as a hint that she didn’t want me to ask her out, because she knew I was still interested in her. I respected her wishes and gave her space but she started dating someone else about a month after. I felt hurt and betrayed and decided to give up on her.
A few years later, I met someone else and got married maybe too soon. She got married too the next year and we’ve since fallen out of touch. After 15 years I’m divorced but on good terms with my ex-wife and we are co-parenting our 2 kids.
Recently, I remembered the girl I used to know, and I realized I haven’t spoken to her in a decade or even caught a glimpse of her in years. I’m tempted to reach out to her and ask her how she’s doing, but I’m thinking maybe it would be too selfish of me.
It’s not like I want anything from her. As far as I know, she’s still happily married and is raising her children with her husband. Would I be intruding if I try to say hello? Should I just stay away out of respect for her?
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> The action I was thinking of taking is trying to reconnect with an old friend who used to be a love interest. I might be an asshole because we have gone our separate ways for so long and reconnecting might make things complicated or awkward
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA if you decide to reach out to her and ask how she’s doing, but don’t push things if she’s married or seems disinterested
NTA. Does no harm to ask, but be prepared for a negative answer, or no answer at all.
So as soon as she hinted that she wasn’t going to date you, you completely dropped the “we’re friends” act and haven’t spoken to her or pretended to be her friend in over a decade? Yes, please leave her alone. Creep. Sounds like you’ve been quietly stalking her for years too…😬
I have to be honest. Your past behavior sounds like you had trouble with the fact that some girl you liked didn’t like you back.
And your present train of thought seems like you think there’s an outside chance she’d get together with you, and that’s what you’re after, on some level.
It is a bad idea. Let it go.
Let the past stay in the past.
“It’s not like I want anything from her.”
Also I do not believe the line above at all.
YWBTA. She’s not an old friend. You were never her friend. She didn’t like you back, therefore you “decided to give up on her.” Which means you stopped talking to her once you realized she wouldn’t give you everything you wanted and therefore wasn’t worth the effort. Just leave her alone. She’s been much better off without you.
Also, don’t ever say “caught a glimpse of her” about any woman ever again.
If you know shes married stay away
If you know she’s divorced go ahead
My uncle married his high school sweetheart decades later after both their college marriages failed and their kids grew up
YTA if you reach out to a happily married woman. You know that you want to smooch her. Happily married women don’t smooch other people. She would perceive you as creepy because you should know better.
I am sorry but she wasn’t interested in you and she was trying to tell you in a nice way. “Feeling betrayed” is weird. How did she betray you? You weren’t in a relationship. Don’t reach out to her. Why would you? What do you expect from her?
Dude…. she has never been into you and NO good would come of this plan. Please TRY to move on. You seem to be struggling with that, though.
Yeah, no. Dont do it. Ywbta.
There’s no good that’ll come of that. Either she’s loyal to her husband, in which case she’ll either leave you on read or exchange a few generic pleasantries with you; or she’s not, and you don’t want to be part of that. Maybe if you’re willing to be completely plutonic and connect with her husband as well, but you’ve clearly carried a torch for the last two decades, and you’ll just end up hurt. The girl you know is gone. She’s someone’s wife and mother now, and has been that person far longer than she was the girl you knew. Stick to the memory of the college girl and move on.
If she wanted to reconnect in any way she’d have done so. Nothing good can come of this.