Long story short—my biological family abused me sexually, physically and mentally over 16 years. The one I will call X enabled abuse, assisted and participated in physical, mental and sexual abuse. The one I will call Y was creepy and while it wasn’t direct abuse, it wasn’t help and he basically just went on doing what minor abusers do—more of a thief and prone to “temper”. I went NC a while ago and haven’t had any relationship.
Anyway, my MIL has been hell bent that she’s god and she knows best.
At first it was “well I think you should get back together and talk” and “I know you should forgive them”. Then it was manipulations that she’d “share” the gifts we’d give her because “well, X and Y were left out”. Most years she’s managed to “forget” at least once and start going on about how she’s going to reunite us.
Yes, we’ve explained. We’ve defended. We have given consequences. She literally doesn’t care. She’s alienated a whole group of people and we’re the last ones she hasn’t completely alienated yet with her sexism, racism and other lovely personality things.
And now she’s decided that she’s going to take Y to her church because he “needs support”. He’s “scared” because X has had a health issue.
Should I reach out to her church?
I don’t know that they are going to abuse kids in that church. I don’t know that Y will steal things. I don’t know — as in verified — that I was not the only victim, but I don’t know I was the only victim. I know that X totally will go off on people and begin shouting and screaming abuse. MIL has confirmed that she’s received bad behavior. I know that MIL’s church is tiny and mostly people 60+ which is tremendously older than I was when I was abused. They have their grandchildren visit from time to time—especially at the holidays.
MIL’s church is tiny. It’s in a town that has very little to offer. It’s MIL’s entire social life. It’s her whole world to go to church.
But I have been suffering from the effects of sexual abuse and mental abuse and physical abuse my whole life. Literally decades of nightmares, of anxiety, of depression. I wouldn’t wish the abuse and the years of effects on literally anyone. And I hate my abusers. This is NO going back and everything being okay.
I can write to her church as a concerned person that MIL is literally bringing child abusers into the church and giving them access to all kinds of new victims who quite literally have no earthly idea what they are in for. I can maybe save someone else. It’s not going to hurt me if X and Y get publicly shamed a bit. And I’m so done with MIL and her antics that I don’t care if it is going to hurt her. I can honestly say that a little public hurting of MIL, X or Y is actually going to feel a bit like very cold and overdue justice.
But WIBTA if I really did it.
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do it and then cut MIL out of your life. i’m not quite sure why she still has so much access to you when she’s hell bent on making you be in the same room and make up with your abusers.
Do it. You have information that could protect children from a fraction of the abuse you suffered. Her standing with the church is irrelevant in this matter. If it means the church casts her out for knowingly endangering people, then the only one she can blame is herself.
Wow this is really, really horrible all around. I’m sorry that she’s putting you in this position after all you’ve been through. I’d say do contact the church. But do it only for your own comfort and if it makes you feel better regardless of the outcome. As scary as the thought may be: preventing abuse is not your responsibility only because you’ve been victimised. You didn’t ask for this. As you said it’s unclear what the church will do or if they’ll even so anything at all. Sadly churches oftentimes are big on looking away under the guise of holding the other cheek, forgiveness or something. Of course the three of them deserve otherwise.
She’s despicable. Do only what makes you feel safe, at peace and in control of your own personal situation. I wish you the best