My fiancé and I have been together for the last 4 years. It is an amazing relationship and I thought I was very loved. He is super nice with everyone, my family, my friends and people look up to our relationship. We got engaged at our 3 year anniversary and are getting married in about 3 months. When we were 1 year into the relationship I found out (by mistake, he left his computer open) that he was sexting with someone, we had a huge fight, I felt awful, as if I wasn’t enough and we almost break up, but we didn’t. I was very explicit that I did not approve of that for the future. We had a lot of long talks and I forgave him. We then got engaged, everything seem to be going ok and 2 days ago I got a text from a girl saying my fiance was sexting with her friend. She found out also by mistake but saved the evidence to show me. The evidence is legit.
This caught me by surprise, I feel awful like words can’t even describe. I haven’t confronted him because I know he’ll try to ask for forgiveness, I don’t want to forgive him because if he did it twice he’ll continue to do it but at the same time we live together and are planning to get married, I don’t know if it should be less of deal and I’m making it a big deal.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
My fiancé and I have been together for the last 4 years. It is an amazing relationship and I thought I was very loved. He is super nice with everyone, my family, my friends and people look up to our relationship. We got engaged at our 3 year anniversary and are getting married in about 3 months. When we were 1 year into the relationship I found out (by mistake, he left his computer open) that he was sexting with someone, we had a huge fight, I felt awful, as if I wasn’t enough and we almost break up, but we didn’t. I was very explicit that I did not approve of that for the future. We had a lot of long talks and I forgave him. We then got engaged, everything seem to be going ok and 2 days ago I got a text from a girl saying my fiance was sexting with her friend. She found out also by mistake but saved the evidence to show me. The evidence is legit.
This caught me by surprise, I feel awful like words can’t even describe. I haven’t confronted him because I know he’ll try to ask for forgiveness, I don’t want to forgive him because if he did it twice he’ll continue to do it but at the same time we live together and are planning to get married, I don’t know if it should be less of deal and I’m making it a big deal.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I need to know if Id by the AH if I cancel the wedding so close to the date over something that wasn’t physical cheating.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
My goodness, so sorry you had to go through all of that, You wont be TAH if you chose to not forgive him…he needs to get a grip my god! but i still feel you should confront him
NTA and you’re saving yourself by ending it sooner rather than later. You deserve better!
YWNBTA. Why would he stop? You’ll just forgive him…again and again. That’s your future, at least until the sexting stops and the actual physical cheating starts. Why marry this man?
NTA. He has done it AT LEAST twice. You have no idea how often he has really done it that you haven’t found out about. DO NOT bind yourself to this man for the rest of your life. He did it while you were dating, he did it while you were engaged. Being married will not stop him. As hard as it may be, cut your loses and move on.
NTA. You should absolutely stand your ground and call off the wedding. He has been lying to you for years, which shows he does not respect you. If there are no consequences he will have no stake in it and no reason to change. If you end things now he might (might) get a wake up call and do better in his next relationship, and you will be free from someone who has demonstrated through his behaviour that he doesn’t deserve your trust.
He got caught and (presumably) said he wouldn’t do it again. Now you know what his word is worth. If he can’t keep this promise, what else is he just telling you with zero intention to follow through?
NTA, and while I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, better to find out now than after you’ve married him. You deserve much better.
YWNBTA
You made your feelings known, set boundaries, and he is repeating his behavior anyways. That level of betrayal is not just a red flag for your marriage prospects, it should be a deal-breaker for the whole relationship.
NTA. He’s not going to change. You’re T A to yourself if you stay w him
Marriage is easy, divorce is a pain in the ass, even mutually. Cut ties now to save from the heartache and hassle, he ain’t gonna suddenly stop messaging girls because he is married, if anything it will only get worse
NTA, but YWBTA to yourself if you don’t call it off.
NTA, but you already know that. Trust your gut, and cut off the outside noise. Also, he’s not nice.
NTA he has objectively proven at this point he isn’t going to change. get out while you still can without involving the legal process hun
YWNBTA if you call off the wedding.
He rather definitively broke your trust. I doubt it can be repaired this time.
You might feel that you’re already locked in. And it would be disruptive to not get married, maybe break up, whatever. But it’s much easier now than after you’re married! Definitely do not go ahead with getting married until you’re 100% sure about it. Which you’re not!
if you go through with the marriage, he will continue sexting with others and it could devolved into more, NTA call it off
NTA don’t fall for the sunk costs fallacy. Just because you have a lot invested in this relationship is no reason to continue it if f he is doing things you really hate.
Better now than later!
NTA, don’t marry a man you can’t trust and it doesn’t seem like you can trust this guy.
girl, leave him.
you’re just gonna make it harder on yourself if you marry this loser.
Just to be clear – what he is doing is CHEATING. You are not overreacting – your gut reaction is the correct one. I know it will be logistically difficult, but just because your wedding is all planned does NOT mean you have to go through with it.
Also, YOU ARE ENOUGH. This is HIS FAULT. The wedding being called off will be HIS FAULT. Remember that, because he will try to blame you, and gaslight you, and make you feel like the problem (I’m guessing here a bit, but I have a strong suspicion he will do this). You are not the problem.
NTA
YWBTAH if you don’t call off the wedding.
NTA
Sexting is a form of emotional betrayal. It is a big deal.
Abusers often compensate one area they are screwing up in by doing really well in another area. I.E. super nice to compensate for being an emotional cheater.
I would definitely pause the wedding for now.
Working with a licenced therapist to learn healthy ways of responding to this form of betrayal and deception might help you decide if there is a future for this relationship or not.
Walk. Away.
NTA dump him. You’ve already given him a chance and he blew it. You deserve better than this.
NTA he does not respect you.
NTA. Sounds like this is a legitimate deal-breaker for you.
And you’re right, if he’s doing it now, he’ll do it in the future. He’s already proven that his word doesn’t mean much.
NTA. It’s important that if you’re going to get married you actually love and trust each other. DO NOT go through with it just because a wedding is planned. You can change wedding plans even if you lose money. His choices are violating your trust.
Talk to him about it. Even go to therapy if you think you want to try and recover the lost trust. But don’t feel bad about calling off the wedding due to his actions.
INFO
Why do think this is only sexting? There is likely a whole relationship there you don’t know about. I pretty sure that her friend didn’t find out by accident. I’m fairly certain that sexting partner is having her friend tell you so she doesn’t have to face you and tell you what a cheater you are involved with. She does want you to break up with him so she is escalating the process so it happens before the marriage.
Let her have him you deserve better.
Run!
YWNBTA. The continued lying by itself would be enough to call things off.
You know that he’s done this at least twice, and has been (almost) successful at keeping this behavior hidden. You have no idea how many successfully hidden times he’s been doing it. The only things you can be certain about is that he’s not about to stop, and that you can’t trust him.
This is absolutely the right time to call things off. If you marry him, you’ll be pressured to repeatedly forgive him for this (or worse) until you finally can’t stand it. Divorce is much messier and more complex than a breakup.
Do immediately stop all sexual contact with him. You really don’t want to end up tied to him by your kids.
I doubt that you happened to catch him the only 2 times he did this. You would be foolish to marry a man that is actively trying to get with other women. YWNBTA
Consider postponing until after you two can get couples counseling. You can re-access afterwards.
@pinchekatya OP
Definitely NTA. This is his second time getting caught..I’d bet anything this has been a continued betrayal of your trust on his part for the past few years. A man who isn’t trustworthy isn’t worth your time. Best of luck💙
YWNBTA
> I don’t want to forgive him because if he did it twice he’ll continue to do it
As long as you are confident the evidence is legit. That’s all you need right there… no ifs ands or buts
You already gave him his chance and made it clear the expectation of monogamy. this is 100% his fault, don’t let anyone blame you.
NTA. Please please listen. If you have ANY doubt at all do not get married. It NEVER makes things better. It ALWAYS makes things worse. Do yourself a huge favour and live in reality.
How is this even a question? Leave him.
NTA. Don’t be a fool. Run!!
Oh no, this IS a big deal. He’s a liar and a cheat. Huge red flags. Call off the wedding asap.
Oh honey. It is a big deal. Trust your gut. Thank God you found out now while you can still call it off. Do the hard brave thing now to love yourself and treat yourself right. I’m cheering for you from afar. NTA and big internet mom hugs coming your way.
NTA. Dodging a HUGE bullet.
YWNBTA. If you caught him twice, imagine how many times you didn’t catch him. (This isn’t an amazing relationship, btw.) This is a big deal, so stop downplaying it. Getting married just because you’ve been with him for a few years and the wedding is already planned is not a good enough reason to marry a guy who’s actively seeking out attention from other women and lying to you.
You’re gaslighting yourself, and you’re falling for the “sunken cost” fallacy—the idea that you have put so much into this relationship that would be wasted if you leave.
Wrong me once, shame on you. Wrong me again, shame on me.
YWNBTA. Leave this guy. He will do it again.
NTA. HE is the asshole. This is a gift to find this out now. I’m so sorry he’s not what you thought, but definitely do not marry. If he’s sexting now, it’s only a step away from actual physical cheating. (Sexting is cheating).
NTA. Not sure why you’re still considering getting married when he’s clearly not committed to you lol.
If he’s sexting another girl, isn’t that considered cheating? Would you believe any of his vows on your wedding day knowing this? Do you think he’ll stop if he never got caught?
Better to leave now than later when you’re actually married and/or have kids then it’ll hurt even more.
He betrayed your trust, lied to you, and did the same thing again. That’s a really big deal! You don’t owe him forgiveness. You owe it to yourself to get out before you’re legally bound to him. NTA
<It is an amazing relationship>
– No, it isn’t: <he was sexting with someone>
<He is super nice with everyone, >
– THAT he really is…
NTA at all for calling of this wedding. Your relationship is a bit crowded….
I ended an engagement after catching him out in too many lies, I realised I was doubting everything he told me because he’d destroyed my trust. It was a very hard thing to do, but not as hard as spending the rest of my life with that knot in my stomach constantly wondering if I’m being lied to. I’m so grateful to my younger self for having the courage to end things before we’d had children and been tied together forever.
I’m now married to the most amazing man, we have two beautiful children and I feel safe, respected and loved every day. That’s what you deserve too. Please do your future self a favour and get away from someone who treats you with so little respect. It’ll be difficult but so worth it. xx
You would be the AH if you stay.
Get out while you can. It won’t reflect poorly on you if you tell the truth. He is cheating. He won’t change.
All of these comments are from people who are wise to the ways of human nature. Trust us. This does not bode well for a happy future.
Good luck!
NTA. GET OUT OF
Yes, how dare you not marry a cheat!?
Of course you wouldn’t be !
NTA. It’s better to leave now than deal with a divorce.
I found pictures on my ex’s computer while making a slide show for the reception and I KNEW I should have ran. I felt sick in waiting in the back of the chapel for my Dad to come back to walk me. And 10 months later, I left and never looked back. Divorce isn’t nice or pretty.
This won’t be easy and some people will judge you, but if your gut is telling you to leave, do it!
NTA. He’s prob been sexting other women all along. It’s one thing to become bored with your partner after a number of years of marriage. But he’s not even married to you yet.
I think you’d be wise to call off the wedding, he’s lied to you and clearly doesn’t respect your wishes. He’s shown that he can’t be trusted.
He’s a liar and a cheater, marry him if you will
NTA
I’m glad for you that you found out in time to cancel the wedding