Sorry for the long post, but I have to give some background for this to make sense.
Hi THT and FKS fam, long time listener (since episode 2 on apple podcast), first time write in. I need advice asap because everything happens this weekend and it’s Wednesday 🤦🏻♀️.
I have a semi-complicated backstory that takes a part in this entire story but I’ll try to make it brief. My (30F) mom (47F) was a teen mom (17) when she had me. My bio dad was never and is never really in the picture. And we prefer it that way- he’s not a good guy. When I was about 2-3 years old she met my step dad, (50M-current age), step dad’s mom (71F) is the issue in this story. The step part is important.
She has NEVER liked me. She has always thought that my mom “baby trapped” my step dad (even though I’m not his daughter), into staying with her and supporting me. He eventually adopted me when I was about 7 years old. When I was 8/9, my mom got pregnant and had my brother (now 21M) and my “parents” got married. My treatment from my step grandma got worse from that point on. Everything I did was considered bad and obnoxious. Every little thing was nitpicked by her, I could never do anything right. Through my teenage years I made some questionable choices and was effectively dubbed as a bad influence and the black sheep.
*note my mom had another kid right after my brother. Sister (20F). She will take a part in this story.
Fast forward to now, I’ve had my own child (9months-M), and my brother is graduating college. Because of extra curricular activities, he ended up getting a scholarship to a university in another state so everyone has to travel to attend his graduation. About 3-4 weeks ago I was asked by my sister if I would be going to the graduation. At the time, I wasn’t sure because of the baby and money. My mom offered to cover everything except my plane ticket if I could work it out to go. I was able to pull together the money for a ticket and I booked it. I would have to take my son but he is small enough to sit on my lap. I told everyone at that point that I would be going to the graduation. (Bear with me, this matters to the story).
Once everyone knew I was going to the graduation, my brother asked me if I was going to lunch on the day of, and I said yes, assuming that of course I would be going. My sister then asked me the same thing, I again said yes. About a week after this conversation my sister texts me and asks me if I’m going to lunch.
I replied yes.
She says ,”ok,please text step grandma and let her know.”
I replied,”it’s ok I don’t need to go.”
Sister-“what happened? I thought you wanted to go.”
Me-“I do want to go but I shouldn’t have to ask. I should be invited.”
Sister-“I agree.”
Per my sister, my step grandma knew I was going to Colorado, lied to my step dad about it, and purposefully did not invite me. There was a lot of conversation about this but this is the jist.
I called my brother and asked him if I was invited to the lunch and he said that I should be and that I was included in the group chat. I asked “what group chat?”
Him-“the graduation group chat.”
Me-“no I never got a group chat.”
Him-checking”oh no you’re not in the group chat.”
Him-“I’ll get to the bottom of this.”
4 days later I finally get a text about lunch, a whole new group chat. And because of “reasons” the location has now been changed from a fancy upscale restaurant, to pizza. A dish that my brother hates.
Additional info-
My brother, sister, and step dad have ALL told my step grandma that I needed to be included and stepped up for me.
My mom and other grandma are taking my brother to dinner after. (Trust me the boy can EAT). My mom and I planned this so I’ve been invited from the start.
How I feel about this:
-I’m not wanted, so I don’t want to go where I’m not wanted. But my brother has told me he wants me to go. (Also my sister but it’s my brothers lunch)
-the lunch was dumbed down because she doesn’t think I can go to an upscale restaurant? I also realize that my son could be a part in this decision but for a baby he is VERY well behaved. Like I hit the jackpot in babies and everyone says so. He’s never cried or acted up in a restaurant ever. And I’ve taken him to SEVERAL nicer restaurants and he has been an angel. (I’m sure everyone says that, but im serious. He sits in a high chair and plays with him toys or snacks on some food, he doesn’t bang things, scream, cry, throw things on the ground, etc.) you honestly wouldn’t even know he was there unless you saw him with your eyes.
I know that because my step grandma never talks to me, she wouldn’t know that. She has seen my son twice since he was born and it’s not because I’m keeping him from her. She just doesn’t want anything to do with us. My brother has been to dinner with us and knows this.
So given all of this, Reddit and THT fam, would I be the asshole if I didn’t go to my brothers graduation lunch?
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Backup of the post’s body: Sorry for the long post, but I have to give some background for this to make sense.
Hi THT and FKS fam, long time listener (since episode 2 on apple podcast), first time write in. I need advice asap because everything happens this weekend and it’s Wednesday 🤦🏻♀️.
I have a semi-complicated backstory that takes a part in this entire story but I’ll try to make it brief. My (30F) mom (47F) was a teen mom (17) when she had me. My bio dad was never and is never really in the picture. And we prefer it that way- he’s not a good guy. When I was about 2-3 years old she met my step dad, (50M-current age), step dad’s mom (71F) is the issue in this story. The step part is important.
She has NEVER liked me. She has always thought that my mom “baby trapped” my step dad (even though I’m not his daughter), into staying with her and supporting me. He eventually adopted me when I was about 7 years old. When I was 8/9, my mom got pregnant and had my brother (now 21M) and my “parents” got married. My treatment from my step grandma got worse from that point on. Everything I did was considered bad and obnoxious. Every little thing was nitpicked by her, I could never do anything right. Through my teenage years I made some questionable choices and was effectively dubbed as a bad influence and the black sheep.
*note my mom had another kid right after my brother. Sister (20F). She will take a part in this story.
Fast forward to now, I’ve had my own child (9months-M), and my brother is graduating college. Because of extra curricular activities, he ended up getting a scholarship to a university in another state so everyone has to travel to attend his graduation. About 3-4 weeks ago I was asked by my sister if I would be going to the graduation. At the time, I wasn’t sure because of the baby and money. My mom offered to cover everything except my plane ticket if I could work it out to go. I was able to pull together the money for a ticket and I booked it. I would have to take my son but he is small enough to sit on my lap. I told everyone at that point that I would be going to the graduation. (Bear with me, this matters to the story).
Once everyone knew I was going to the graduation, my brother asked me if I was going to lunch on the day of, and I said yes, assuming that of course I would be going. My sister then asked me the same thing, I again said yes. About a week after this conversation my sister texts me and asks me if I’m going to lunch.
I replied yes.
She says ,”ok,please text step grandma and let her know.”
I replied,”it’s ok I don’t need to go.”
Sister-“what happened? I thought you wanted to go.”
Me-“I do want to go but I shouldn’t have to ask. I should be invited.”
Sister-“I agree.”
Per my sister, my step grandma knew I was going to Colorado, lied to my step dad about it, and purposefully did not invite me. There was a lot of conversation about this but this is the jist.
I called my brother and asked him if I was invited to the lunch and he said that I should be and that I was included in the group chat. I asked “what group chat?”
Him-“the graduation group chat.”
Me-“no I never got a group chat.”
Him-checking”oh no you’re not in the group chat.”
Him-“I’ll get to the bottom of this.”
4 days later I finally get a text about lunch, a whole new group chat. And because of “reasons” the location has now been changed from a fancy upscale restaurant, to pizza. A dish that my brother hates.
Additional info-
My brother, sister, and step dad have ALL told my step grandma that I needed to be included and stepped up for me.
My mom and other grandma are taking my brother to dinner after. (Trust me the boy can EAT). My mom and I planned this so I’ve been invited from the start.
How I feel about this:
-I’m not wanted, so I don’t want to go where I’m not wanted. But my brother has told me he wants me to go. (Also my sister but it’s my brothers lunch)
-the lunch was dumbed down because she doesn’t think I can go to an upscale restaurant? I also realize that my son could be a part in this decision but for a baby he is VERY well behaved. Like I hit the jackpot in babies and everyone says so. He’s never cried or acted up in a restaurant ever. And I’ve taken him to SEVERAL nicer restaurants and he has been an angel. (I’m sure everyone says that, but im serious. He sits in a high chair and plays with him toys or snacks on some food, he doesn’t bang things, scream, cry, throw things on the ground, etc.) you honestly wouldn’t even know he was there unless you saw him with your eyes.
I know that because my step grandma never talks to me, she wouldn’t know that. She has seen my son twice since he was born and it’s not because I’m keeping him from her. She just doesn’t want anything to do with us. My brother has been to dinner with us and knows this.
So given all of this, Reddit and THT fam, would I be the asshole if I didn’t go to my brothers graduation lunch?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
YWBA for letting the step grandma win when you are clearly wanted by the people who matter.
Why can’t y’all switch it back to original place? Why does she dictate where y’all go?
I get where you are coming from, but this lunch is about your brother and he wants you there. That trumps whatever your step-grandmother thinks. F her. And if she says anything to you, tell her to f herself.
What did your brother do to you?
Oh, that’s right — nothing.
He’s the one being honored here, and everything else is entirely speculation unless step-grandma flat-out told you “I don’t want you here.”
Go to the luncheon, be gracious, and celebrate your brother. Thank step-grandma for hosting, and kill her with kindness.
No. But then your SGM (“step grandmother“) wins by excluding you. You traveled all of that way, went through all of that trouble to buy a plane ticket just to have that old hag successfully get you to not celebrate your brother’s graduation with your family?
Look at the long game: SGM is 71. You may not have to endure her presence much longer. But your brother and sister will always be there. Don’t let SGM rob you of that memory. I’m from the South. We have a saying “kill her with kindness.” Be overly nice to her. She thrives on treating you like dirt. Showing that you’re not bothered by her pettiness will remove the joy she was feeling in she thought you wouldn’t come.
If you don’t go, you are letting step grandmother win. This is an important time for your brother and you should be there for him. Ignore step grandmother or kill her with kindness just don’t cause any type of scene. Just keep reminding yourself that you are there for your brother and she can just “f off”.