Hi first time posting just looking for some perspective and maybe an idea on how I (38f) tell my sister (33f) I can no longer come to her wedding, long story short I have 5 sisters but I have always been the black sheep of the family if you looked at my mums social media you would think she had 5 daughters not 6 but anyways. My sister finally got engaged to her long term partner and since then the wedding planning has been full steam ahead. One Sunday afternoon I had a break so went onto instagram to have a quick look and I noticed my sisters has just posted a photo with her all my other sisters, some family members & close friends of my sister. I had a proper look and noticed they were “celebrating” the wedding and my sister had invited them all to her house to ask them to be apart of her wedding (bridesmaid & maid of honour) I’m not going to lie and say seeing that didn’t hurt I cried which I never ever cry but anyways we all had a huge argument after I send a message saying thanks for including me and I started getting txts from everybody there saying I’m a a/h for ruining her day now she’s crying I’m a bitch etc etc. we didn’t speak for months then eventually we all got over it. My mum n sister kept saying u should come we want u there etc so after I felt pressured to go I booked the hotel and flights now is where it gets hard it’s 2 weeks until the wedding and my car gives up its going to cost me $700-800 to fix so basically it’s either fix my car that I rely on or go to a wedding I wasn’t really wanted at in the first place plus how embarrassing will I feel when all my sisters n wedding party are in the hotel getting ready on the day and me sitting like every other guest but anyways that’s my predicament sorry for rambling I just don’t know what to do I know there going to be mad at me and probably won’t speak to me for a while and i’l probably get blamed for ruining the wedding and upsetting the bride but please somebody help me out here I’m so stuck and my anxiety is going Kray kray
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Hi first time posting just looking for some perspective and maybe an idea on how I (38f) tell my sister (33f) I can no longer come to her wedding, long story short I have 5 sisters but I have always been the black sheep of the family if you looked at my mums social media you would think she had 5 daughters not 6 but anyways. My sister finally got engaged to her long term partner and since then the wedding planning has been full steam ahead. One Sunday afternoon I had a break so went onto instagram to have a quick look and I noticed my sisters has just posted a photo with her all my other sisters, some family members & close friends of my sister. I had a proper look and noticed they were “celebrating” the wedding and my sister had invited them all to her house to ask them to be apart of her wedding (bridesmaid & maid of honour) I’m not going to lie and say seeing that didn’t hurt I cried which I never ever cry but anyways we all had a huge argument after I send a message saying thanks for including me and I started getting txts from everybody there saying I’m a a/h for ruining her day now she’s crying I’m a bitch etc etc. we didn’t speak for months then eventually we all got over it. My mum n sister kept saying u should come we want u there etc so after I felt pressured to go I booked the hotel and flights now is where it gets hard it’s 2 weeks until the wedding and my car gives up its going to cost me $700-800 to fix so basically it’s either fix my car that I rely on or go to a wedding I wasn’t really wanted at in the first place plus how embarrassing will I feel when all my sisters n wedding party are in the hotel getting ready on the day and me sitting like every other guest but anyways that’s my predicament sorry for rambling I just don’t know what to do I know there going to be mad at me and probably won’t speak to me for a while and i’l probably get blamed for ruining the wedding and upsetting the bride but please somebody help me out here I’m so stuck and my anxiety is going Kray kray
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> I might be the asshole because I backed down and agreed to go, part of me says if I can’t afford it I can’t afford it but also part of me says she has arranged it for us to go and had her hopes up we’re going
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Do what you need to do. Be prepared for backlash though, as your family sound pretty awful.
Dont go. They will probably think youre the asshole either way. Prioritize yourself. If you think it will make a difference be honest about your car.
Your family are awful people and you need to free yourself from any obligation you feel to them. They clearly don’t feel any obligation to you. Don’t feel anxious, don’t feel bad.
YTA for not using punctuation. This is not readable.
NTA they’ve all showed you how little you mean to them. Stop paying to be an accessory to their family.
Honestly, when in doubt about weddings, I would go. I’ve skipped a few. It only made me look worse. Of course you’re allowed to skip, and it’s okay to skip. I just think the effort of going will pay off. Perhaps you can rebuild repair, and gain trust again. But I have no idea what happened to make the relationship strained. I’d say get into therapy asap! Try to have 4 sessions in the next couple of weeks. Having said all that, I am sending you love and support no matter what you choose. You truly are the only one who can make this call, and there is nobody who knows better than you.
Tell them you’re going, then say you got covid. 😂 jk. Kind of. NTA
NTA but I’d go and act as if everything is ok, in front of everyone. At least, they’ll never say again that I ruined a big day by not showing up 😀
NAH
Do you want a relationship with your family? If so go to the wedding. If not stay home
I wouldn’t go. And I would make sure everyone knows why. That’s just awful what they are doing to you.
Yeah, NTA. To have every sibling, but you is just cruel. They knew what they were doing.
Very ratuonal and objective perspective minus emotions, stay home and dix tour car. If you run into financial issues they won’t bail you out. Why inconvenience yourself?
Plus they showed you clearly they don’t value you… I am petty, I probably would not have reaached out when you did would hhave missed the wedding and then sent that picture if asked why I didn’t go
NTA. You are an only child and an orphan. You have no family obligations anymore. Live your life without this toxicity and be happy.
So first, just because you are a sibling does not automatically entitle you to be a bridesmaid. My sister and I were not bridesmaids for each other. I was her guestbook attendant and her children were my flower girl and ring bearer.
Likewise, just because you are not in the wedding party does not mean you are not wanted at the wedding, or that you would be seated as an ordinary guest. You would probably be seated with your parents/the family.
Third, tell someone in your family (not the bride) that this has happened and ask for help. My guess is that if your parents can afford it they would happily help you for the sake of having you there.
Finally. If you want to be treated as part of the family, act like part of the family. Pouting and whining about not being a bridesmaid doesn’t fit that description. Neither does automatically just giving up on going at all when you hit a roadblock without even trying to find a way.
YWBTA if you don’t even try.
You have to do what’s right for you. Before you cancel, are your plane tickets and hotel refundable? Whether you go and aren’t included in family activities or don’t go and missed, either will be awkward. Can you make up a plausible excuse like a work emergency? Or an illness then lay very low for the weekend?
Go to the wedding. You complain your family doesn’t include you in stuff but now you don’t want to show up when they are literally saying they want you there. These are big milestones. I’d try to make it if you can.
I understand the financial hardship, but most of your post was about other family drama (your feelings being hurt since you weren’t chosen as a bridesmaid – understandable but you’ve already said you aren’t close with your sisters so it also makes sense you might not be a bridesmaid) so I’m guessing you not going to the wedding would be more about making some sort of statement then truly missing it due to car trouble. If that’s the case, YWBTA.
Not the asshole, but also, it does seem like you send conflicting messages to them in terms of not making much effort to be part of things and then feeling left out and getting confrontational when they leave you out. You escalated the conflict over the pre- wedding party thing, rather than approaching her one-to-one and saying “hey, I would’ve liked to have a choice in that or told directly what the deal is instead of just happening upon the info as I did”. My point is that there’s a middle ground and choosing combative confrontation doesn’t serve you well. Whether they “deserve” that treatment isn’t the question – the question is what do you want and how can you behave in a manner that facilitates that treatment?
If you want a cordial relationship with them going forward, make choices that reflect that – make an apology and say “I’m sorry I reacted as I did” even if it’s just to calm the waters. And then attend the wedding as a guest and deflect questions if anyone asks why you’re not up there (I doubt anyone asks you directly – that’s very rude to ask).
If you’re okay remaining distant and apart and not being included or even drifting further apart or full no contact, then do that. No need to explain yourself, just skip it and move on.
If you choose to skip the wedding, just do it quietly. Don’t make it a scene or rant about past grievances – just move on and live your life. But recognize that the other sisters may have life events in the future and taking that path is likely to cause you to not be included in those – is that what you want? Either accept that or break this cycle by confronting it and meeting them halfway.
I mean sorry. You complained you didn’t get invited. Now they invited you. And you’re making up excuses. Just go. You should’ve thought about it before sending that text to your sister before. Now you have to suck it up. If you don’t go, you’ll be a soft a. But worse than that you’ll be a quitter. And thats worse than being an ahole. This isn’t about your family. This is a bout dealing with the consequences and the moment you complained you have to commit and go. Otherwise why did you in the first place? You do care. Maybe you don’t have to become friends with your family but you crave a family. Try to get along with just one sister? Jesus you have 5.
I am a say you are going and then, head on over to the nearest vacation spot and blow them off. Have some fun with it. Fix your car and go to a local indoor water park or something similar.
NTA, don’t go. You need that money for your car. And they won’t miss you anyways. Don’t tell them you’re not going bc of the money though. Say that you are really sick.