My sister (17F) wants me (21F) to come with her to the doctor to get birth control pills for the first time. She’s had a boyfriend (17M) for over 8 months and she’s ready to lose her virginity. I’m guessing this is a mutual decision, her previous bf kept pressuring her to do things and when she didn’t cave they broke up.
The guy isn’t bad/toxic by any means, he’s got good grades, is the captain of his team, and is loved by everyone. The only gripe my family has is that he’s quite reserved, and as a result he can come off as ill-mannered. He doesn’t say hi to any of us when he comes to our house, he doesn’t compliment my mom’s cooking, and in general just doesn’t like to converse with any of us.
When my sister told my mom she wanted to do it, my mom blew up on her saying she’s going to regret it and her bf isn’t the one. She came to me crying asking if I could take her to the doctor today and get pills anyways.
The thing is, today I am pretty busy, I have guests coming to town, and I have to drive to the city for errands later. Tomorrow is my first day in a new job, and I think I am going to be there all week, so I don’t think I’ll be able to go. Mind you, she has a car and can easily drive and go herself, but she is too anxious.
My sister has always been really sheltered, anyone with a younger sibling knows the double standard. I’ve been left home alone since I was 11, and even at her age she’s too scared to do that. I don’t want her to think she’s alone in this, I support her decision even if haven’t lost my virginity myself (idrc).
At the same time though, she should definitely be mature enough to go to a doctor and get pills by herself if she wants to have sex. I don’t even think she’s called the office to see if there’s an available time, or if our pediatrician can give her the pills. I don’t want to lecture her though, its enough with my parents criticizing her and her bf (and they do it a LOT, even when she’s not around).
Do I think she’s gonna regret it? Maybe, but at least its not because she was pressured, or the guy was toxic and left her, or anything in that nature. WIBTAH if I didn’t take my sister to the doctor to get birth control pills?
EDIT: For clarification, I don’t have anything against her BF, he’s funny and such a great guy. Any complaints mentioned are only echoed from my parents. I have a therapist appointment today, and I really don’t want to get to a point where I have to cancel it, that’s what I meant by “errands”. Tomorrow is my first day on a job I’ve been trying to get for months. Its hard to put my priorities aside for today/tomorrow, all I am trying to ask is if I should really push everything aside to help my sister go to the doctor today, or if I should ask her if she can wait a couple days for me.
UPDATE: I helped her write a message to her doctor, if she can’t give her BC I asked where she could get some. Currently, I think it is the best her and I can do. I asked if she needed anything else, and she’s good, so she’s not as mad or desperate as some of y’all claim she is 🙃
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The boyfriend could accompany her.
So is your excuse that you’re too busy or he doesn’t compliment your mothers cooking?
you dont get to pick who she sleeps with.
you do get to pick if your sister has protected and safe sex (pregnancy, not std) by getting her to that apt for her birth control.
im not gonna say youre an AH, she can go on her own. its not your responsibility… but she asked you bc shes comfortable with you and wants emotional support from a loved one.
Youre being difficult because you dont like her partner.
Well…for starters, she can’t just walk in to her doctor’s office and get BC. And I kind of doubt a pediatrician is going to dispense but…okay.
I’d recommend that she make an appt at planned parenthood. Then it won’t show up on the insurance benefit claim for mom to see. They can talk her through her options, can script out and usually will give a starter pack on the spot.
I don’t think you’re an AH for being busy today. Especially since she isn’t going to get a script without an appt and an exam.
Also? If she hasn’t had the HPV vaccine, I’d encourage her to do that. PP can do it.
Your sister has outgrown a pediatrician. She’s 17.
Did you ever stop and think that she just wants extra support? You don’t have to like it, or agree with it, but i think you should be a support for your sister.
I’d tell her about all the crazy hormonal side effects and long-term effects getting on birth control has on your body at that age. Dated several women who were complete savages on birth control and calm reserved and peaceful when they got off it.
Honestly, this sounds less about the pill and more about her needing emotional support. If you can’t take her, maybe help her call and schedule the appointment? That way she doesn’t feel alone
NTA If she is adult enough to want to have sex with her boyfriend the 2 of them should go together and get birth control taken care of.
NAH.
I mean are your plans important enough that you’re willing to risk your sister having an unwanted pregnancy? Because that’s the risk if you don’t help her get BC.
Not saying it’s your responsibility, but it would 100% impact your life, especially if you both still live at home. You can also take her to get the BC but still suggest she take things slowly and really think before having sex.
Honestly, you’re being the kind of sister every girl deserves supportive, realistic, and emotionally present. It’s okay to have boundaries when you’re overwhelmed, but even in saying no, you’re showing up for her in a way that matters. That’s maturity on both your ends.
Yep, YTA. She’s coming to you for help, and you’re choosing to deny her that help.
For her sake, please help her be prepared. Don’t worry about her bf choices, the next could be worse, but make sure she takes of herself health wise.
you’re trying to nitpick who she is with, and if you and your family keep behaving so poorly your sister will likely cut you all off. YTA
I think, if I were you, I would have an in depth conversation with my sister about the whole subject, assessing the decision behind it and discussing many delicate aspects in a sisterly, confidential manner.
Don’t forget, 4 years age gap may mean nothing after mid twenties but at this age it makes a huge difference, plus the fact that she wants you to be with her means she trusts you and that she may be scared to be on her own.
YTA. She came to you as her safe person. She is going to do it anyway. I mean – someone needs to tell her there are things more terminal than pregnancy, and BCP’s don’t prevent STI’s, but still – she’s scared and came to you for help. Saying she should be “mature enough” to get them on her own is a jerk move. Also your characterization of her bf is just mean. Maybe he’s on the spectrum, maybe he wasn’t taught the same social norms as you.
YTA
Nta, I think you made a very good point that if she wants to be sexually active she should be mature enough to handle this appointment by herself.
Advise her to go find a doctor or ob gyn and book a appointment. That way you have advanced notice and can probably take her. Since she wants to have sex, she will need a doctor to help her in some areas. Give her some pointers in choosing the care right for her. Then work around it, if you can’t perhaps the boyfriend or maybe a friend can go for moral support.
Can’t she (or he, or they) go to the store and buy condoms? When my kids (boy and girl) were teens I encouraged them to always use condoms at first because getting pregnant is not the worst thing that can happen to you. Hormonal birth control is not always reliable when first started. I remember standing in the supermarket with my daughter (17 at the time) and perusing the vast display of condoms in every shape, size, colour and flavour. I was creased with laughter at the thought of my own mother doing the same – she’d have died of embarrasment.
Just adding something I haven’t seen here yet– maybe talk with your sister about this choice. Obviously she may not be being pressured, but could she be doing this because she feels he will also leave her (like her last boyfriend) if she doesn’t sleep with him? If she is this anxious about these things, I would guess she may not be as ready as she thought to have sex.
Not implying that’s absolutely what’s happening but it’s worth a conversation!
although on one hand yes family is important, you’re not obligated to do that kinda thing. truth of it is the faster she gets over anxieties about this stuff the easier it will be going to appointments and figuring out how to advocate for herself. when i was 17 i had to go alone so i get it but im better for it now
NTA but talk to her. say that you support her, but you are really busy and don’t know how manage this. and tell her that if she feels ready to have sex maybe she should also try to go to the doctor alone (maybe with the boyfriend waiting in the car if she’s so anxious??) because she should try to become independent since she’s becoming an adult. i understand social anxiety, but if something has to be done you can’t always expect other people to be with you, and maybe this is the first lesson she should learn before having sex
YWNBTAH BUT I caveat that with you needing to separate your feelings about her BF from what your baby sister is asking you for. She wants to be safe but is also still scared to go by herself.
You could use this as a bonding session and really get down to whether this is what she really wants or if she’s just being pressured and maybe impart some gentle wisdom on her. If he broke up with her once because she wouldn’t do what he wanted, my bet is he will take her virginity and then break up with her again. However, once you remind her what he already did, it’s on her.
She’s 21 and dating a 17 year old? Is that even legal?
YWBTA if you don’t tell her “Look, I’m busy tomorrow and then start my new job. The earliest I can take you is X date. If that works for you, call and make an appointment and I’ll take you then. Remember the pill doesn’t protect against STIs, so you’ll need to use a condom too. “
NTA but you can make some time, if she hasn’t made an appointment yet then tell her to make it when you’re done having guests and I’m sure she will be happy with that. Just tell her to make it not during your work hours. A 17m in a relationship isn’t always gonna have good manners. Long as he’s good to your sister that’s all that matters. Liking and conversing with your family will come later if they last. It would also be nice that your sister’s first experience is safe and mutual instead of many women who don’t always get a choice cause many men are assholes.
PSA: You are not a good sister
Well. When she shows up in 9 months needing some extra set of hands for childcare I hope you think back to being “too busy” today
No doctors appointment needed for condoms – healthier too.
YTA. Not your call to make, it sounds like she mostly cares about the emotional support. If she’s gonna do it, she should do it safely. As someone from a religious community who had to navigate that all myself at 18, it was still overwhelming and stressful, and I was unsafe for a little while as I built up the courage to get help from PP, and I’ve promised that none of my younger siblings will have to go through the same thing.
I’d help her out with the pills AND buy her condoms. BC can fail, STDs happen, and especially at that age it’s better to use both. You’re more likely to be able to get her to use condoms to be extra safe and listen to your concerns about her bf if you’re also being supportive in other areas.
Why is op getting so much backlash here her sister is choosing to have sex not her she already said she was busy why cant her bf accompany her she has a car to all the ah in the comments saying its your fault if she has an unwanted pregnancy just don’t have sex shes 17 anyway she needs to focus on school its not ops responsibility to take her anywhere NTA
Okay. NTA but talk with your sister and help her pick a date to get the pills. I read this and you’re parents are TAs.
My SIL took me. It was so helpful to me.
If she cannot be left home alone, she’s not mature enough to have sex. Sry! Just my opinion!
NTA you’re not obligated to take her, but it’s important to recognize that she’s relying on you for emotional support even if she can handle the logistics herself, maybe help her call the clinic and confirm availability so she feels less alone in the process.
YTA. Its a pretty minor ask, and if you don’t help her, there’s always a chance she’ll just decide not to get the birth control pills and have sex without them, do you really want to take that risk? If you can’t go today or tomorrow, ask her if she can wait a few days and then you can go with her then.
NTA
“she has a car and can easily drive and go herself, but she is too anxious.”
I get being anxious about things and it sucks but dealing with it is part of what adulta have to do, she wants to participate in adult activities, she has to face adult challenges
Could you be nicer and take her, even if that means fucking up your own schedule for the day? Yes
But we can all be nicer doing most things, let your sister go by herself, this is the start of many doctors appointments she’ll have to face alone in her lifetime and she’ll be fine 🙂
NTA because what’s wrong with using condoms? Those are pretty accessible and safe. 17 is also old enough to make an appointment on their own, etc. That doesn’t mean you can’t be supportive, though.
If you are busy, then you’re NTA, but if you are skeptical because of who he is, then YTA. Your sister is 17, and you don’t get to pick who she dates.
That being said, if she is old enough to get the birth control pills, then she is old enough to go to the doctor by herself.
Try to see if she can reschedule so you can be there to support her, if you’d like to. As far as the boyfriend not being very “friendly” with your family, try not to take it personal. I remember how shy and awkward I was at 17, I probably appeared stand-offish to people when I wasn’t even trying to be.
Some doctors won’t take patients under 18 as they are “supposed” to see pediatricians. Friend’s pregnant 17 year old was seen by a pediatrician who had other pregnant teen patients. However a gynecologist should see her or Planned Parenthood if they are still in your state.
Better to get her on the pill than get her a baby shower gift.
She can wait a couple of days. She’s lucky to have you. And, honestly, she’s lucky that she has your parents. Even if she got yelled at and they don’t approve, they created an environment where she felt comfortable coming to them and you to protect herself.
Maybe she’s sheltered, but she sounds like a good egg.
Would you be able to take her and drop her off? You could run some of your errands while she’s waiting at the Drs office and then come back and get her once she’s done? Maybe she’d even like to go with you once she’s done and get some sibling time in.
I’m really confused. The parents don’t like him, so they want her to have a kid with him? Is that the logic?
Soft YTA. I get you have your own life and you don’t really think she is ready to have sex but she is 17 and I think that’s a pretty reasonable age to have sex for the first time. But she is nervous and she has asked for help. You could atleast talk to her about it or work on another time to go with her. Sisters should have each other’s back when the other really needs it.
My older sister helped me when I fell pregnant due to failed birth control and I am helping her now when she wants some support at a drs appt.
YTA – she’s going to have sex anyways so you can either help protect her from an unwanted pregnancy or you can have her roll the dice and hope she doesn’t become pregnant.
In NJ it is over the counter in all drug stores including Stop & Shop pharmacy. Small display on the counter. No prescription needed. Take it to self checkout lane.
YTA and so is your mom. I told my daughter and my son to come to me or their stepdad the second they were even thinking they might want to have sex. Both did. I also did the same for one of my younger sisters. I know what it was like to have to do that all on my own and it would have been nice to have some support.
You said yourself that she has been sheltered and this is a really scary thing to do the first time for all of us. She needs support and help. Believe it or not, a lot of people have trouble making their own appointments and things like that the first time. Doubly so if they’ve been sheltered. Triple because of your mom’s reaction. She has no one to turn to. Guess who she will put all of her trust into when everyone turns their back on her.
They will have sex with or without the pills. I wouldn’t leave it up to that boy. You can sit down with her and talk to her about making an appointment at a time that works for both of you.
You don’t HAVE to do anything. That isn’t the point.
Your NTA and the people in these comments attacking you are prime examples of AH!! Your 21 & you’ve never had sex, do you even know how to get birth control? I’m in the UK and I know she ain’t getting it today without an appointment it’s the exact same over here, we have to go to our GPs & we don’t need our parents for it we can make the appointment and go to it without them from like 13/14 could be younger, but that was when I started getting asked if I’d like my parents in the room or not. Anyway my point is she’s gonna need an appointment I’m not in the US like I said, but from what I do know Planned parenthood is her best bet. My advice sit her down, explain this then make the appointment together for a day your both free as she clearly is nervous and wants her sisters support, maybe invite boyfriend along, so they can do it themselves next time. It’s totally fair you can’t do it today, tomorrow or even this week with a new job, but maybe grab her some condoms, so she has protection until the appointment.
I will say this your parents are toxic, please show her and her BF you don’t agree with them or their opinions of them as people and as a couple, make sure she knows you support her and he knows he has at least 1 person in her family that likes him! Your parents are judgemental AF and just sound awful imo, if you don’t agree with them, make sure she knows it, cause it has to really suck having your parents put you and your choice down constantly and listening to them badmouth the person she loves for stupid pathetic reason can’t be easy either!
Even if she can get BC from the doctor, she should absolutely still use condoms. Pregnancy is not the only thing she needs to worry about.
People suck. Looking at you, commenters
Be a good older sister and go with her good lord, my sister is 19 im 22 and I help her with drs visits, i helped her get on bc so she has sex safely (no pregnancy scares in this house!)
You have time for yapping but not to help your little sister? All that time you spent writing and overthinking this matter you could have told her to schedule an appointment with the doctor by herself etc. And make sure she will use condoms anyway and no oralsex without protection if the boyfriend won’t get SPD’s tested.
She may not know that syphilis and Chlamydia can appear as ocular and oral versions also.
Would you rather be taking her to get the pills, or taking her to an abortion clinic or baby’s first scan? Because those are the choices. She’s a teenager who wants someone with her for emotional support.
I think you should support your sister and help her. She will have sex either way, why not make it as safe for her as possible.
Guess you’re getting a niece or nephew! I have views on this, but you need to make your own decision, not me or anyone else.
Sounds like your sister is asking for emotional support to take a huge step. She’s being really responsible, yet no one in your family seems to be giving her the kudos for that. I’m wondering how you and your parents will feel if she was to come crying to you because she’s pregnant.
Can you really not find a couple of hours at some point in your day to emotionally support your sister when she’s taking such a huge responsible step even if it’s just to phone the surgery and make the appt for her
Soft YTAH from me
ESH – because it seems like she doesn’t even have an appointment anywhere yet.
How about she makes an appointment before you decide you can’t go…
Not the one lol. There’s always more than 1. I’d help your sister.
Yall don’t have a planned parenthood? They accept walk-ins. And free condoms
Make sure your sister knows that the pills aren’t effective immediately. She should check with the person who prescribes them about when they can safely have sex.
YTA. Teenagers are very often going to have sex, no matter if the adults in their lives think they’re emotionally mature enough or not. Getting your 17 year old sister on birth control is important enough, and failure has bad enough consequences, that it’s very worth putting aside some inconvenience or skepticism. Better one annoying day than a sister with a teen pregnancy.
I’d find time to go because I’d be scared she’d have unprotected sex & end up pregnant. She’s reaching out, throw her a life raft.
On the one hand she broke up rather than have sex before she was ready which shows maturity but she IS 17. No telling where her emotions will take her with the guy she thinks might be “the one.”
Dunno
How long ya been sleepin with her?!
PLEASE help her get it, then make sure to emphasize to her that she still needs to use backup birth control (condoms, probably) 100% for the first couple months at least while her body absorbs the full effects. Also, even after that it would be wise. No birth control is 100% effective in preventing pregnancy, even when used correctly and consistently. (Half of my siblings ended up teen parents in a very anti-sex home. Not great. lol)
Idk why you’re making excuses about it. She needs your help and you don’t want to help her. Just tell her so she can find somebody who will support her right now, she’s clearly anxious and just needs somebody to hold her hand.
Edit: YTA but mostly because you’re not just telling her “no I don’t want to”. She’s obviously worried that the sex she’s already having is going to turn into a pregnancy, and now she’s delayed getting on BC because she thinks you’ll help her when you won’t. Be honest so she can find a real friend.
Did it ever occur to your family that he might be ‘reserved’ because he knows that they criticise him? You literally wrote that they do it a lot, so it wouldn’t surprise me that your sister talks about it with her bf and that he knows where he and them as a couple stand?
I’d say you’re a soft AH – it’s very important to be there for one another during these big changes in life because it can be really overwhelming to be on your own for it.
I can’t imagine having no one to go to for help and support.
Based on what I read in the comments you wrote, you make it seem like you do want to go with her but you just can’t right now? If so, let her know that you don’t mind supporting her but it’d make things easier for you to do it in a few days/after your first week of work is over.
She’s not your responsibility as she’s 17 and has parents, and I think parents might have to be involved with a prescription of this.
Jesus christ GET THAT GIRL SOME FUCKING PROTECTION
Nta. Great way to get disowned by strict parents. Definitely not worth the risk to either of you.
Great you want to help your sister but till she’s 18 your parents have final say in most matters. Last thing either if you need is an unplanned pregnancy because she forgot a pill, didn’t wait a month, or worse she catches an std because she confused being on the pill as not needing a condom.
Tell her to wait till she’s 18 unless you’re somewhere she can legally get them without parent approval.
Don’t forget to double check she’s not under your parent’s insurance because if she gets them “covered” they will get an explanation of benefits statement and be pissed at both of you.
Please take the time to help your sister, for whatever reason she is reaching out to you–just make the time to see her through this. Please, you won’t regret it, I promise.
I am floored by the YTA comments. OP has plans already in place. The sister is 17 and the amount of comments saying would you rather her get pregnant…. baffling.
Why? Because pregnancy is a side effect of unprotected sex. If you are not prepare to handle a pregnancy (abortion or birth) then you honestly should not be having sex. If you can not handle a doctor’s appointment and getting all the information on preventing pregnancy BEFORE having sex you are not ready to handle a baby.
Condoms exist and can be used. Research how to use condoms correctly.
OP, please tell your sister that nothing is 100%. I was on BC when I got pregnant with my son. My son and his wife have a darling little boy. My DIL was on bc AND they used a condom. Life will find a way. Use ALL the things….ALL!
I don’t think she should be having sex if she can’t even get pills for herself, she’s not mature enough. Also she should be seeing an obgyn, not a pediatrician for this imo.
I’m sorry, pediatrician? Do you girls not have a gynecologist?!
Get her condoms too. She might be too embarrassed to buy them herself.
She is already nervous. So help her be prepared so there are no accidents.
This whole situation sucks, and I can tell you’re genuinely torn. You clearly love your sister and want to be there for her — but you’ve also got a lot going on right now.
Starting a new job tomorrow after months of searching? That’s huge. You shouldn’t have to jeopardize that. And you’ve got therapy today — honestly, don’t skip it. That’s for you, and it matters.
I get that your sister’s anxious, but she’s 17, has a car, and wants to make adult decisions. That comes with handling some of the uncomfortable stuff, even when it’s scary. You can absolutely support her without dropping everything.
Maybe tell her something like:
“I love you and I support this decision, but I can’t today. Let’s call the doctor together now and get something scheduled for next week when I’m free.”
That way, you’re still showing up emotionally without burning yourself out.
And yeah — your parents sound pretty useless here. This shouldn’t all be falling on you.
You’re not a bad sister for having boundaries. That’s what healthy support looks like.
Good luck tomorrow — rooting for you.
Your sister is a minor.
YTA
Not for being unavailable to drive her due to you starting new job and someone coming to town. It’s because you’re trying to dictate who she can and cannot see/have sex with.
From what you mentioned about this boys he’s perfectly nice kid he’s just doesn’t fit into your families fucked up social situation on talking. Perhaps he’s an introvert and being around a lot of people makes him anxious. Perhaps he’s shy
INFO: How would you feel if the boy you and your family clearly don’t like got her pregnant? I’m only asking because by the way you’re making it seem, he’s not fit to your standards. Would birth control not help on this situation?
If she is too much of a child to go get bc by herself…she is definitely too immature to have sex!!
Sounds like your parents really suck. Kids should feel safe to ask for birth control when they need it. I told my mom I needed it when I was 16. She didn’t say squat about “him not being the one”. The likelihood of your first being the one is so slim. She’s going to have sex either way. You would think your parents would be smart enough to realize that and help prevent a grandchild.
Many pediatric officices WILL prescribe BC in the effort to boost safe sex practices.
While your sister may be able to go by herself, she’s not asking to remain sheltered, but rather for emotional support and someone who may understand women’s health more than she does. She may feel that you would be able to ask the questions she might forget to ask if she’s too anxious or otherwise may not think of them. For instance, pills are easily forgotten, but the patch is monthly. Birth control is ineffective during antibiotic use. BC is not 100% effective; it won’t protect against STIs , etc.
I understand that you are busy, but I encourage you to make time for this. It’s not your responsibility, but I assure you, the support will go a LONG way.