I (27F) and my husband (30M) think we shouldn’t let our SIL, S (31F), hold our baby because of her complete 180 since finding out I was pregnant and the family we’ve talked to about it disagrees. Going to try and make this as short as possible, but it’s a doozy.
Background: S and I used to be best friends, thick as thieves, and really had a great relationship as we were married to brothers and saw each other all the time. S and her husband, Z (32M), got married a year before us and had been trying to have a baby since a little before that, starting in 2023. To put it bluntly, Z and S are horrible with money. They don’t pay their bills, get their phones turned off every other month due to not paying, almost got their car repossessed, and got evicted from their apartment in April 2024. Since then, they have lived with my in laws, my husband’s parents, and the in laws have paid half of their bills since they moved in. Z and S has told my in laws that they would only live with them a year, to save up money to buy a house and get on their feet, but after a year of being there they have now confessed that they will need to stay at least 2 more years. I don’t know what they spend their money on, but still are getting their phone turned off, still aren’t financially responsible, and still are trying to have a baby and have gone to a fertility clinic to see what’s going on. Despite me not agreeing with that being the best financial choice for them, I have supported them through their journey.
My husband and I started trying for a baby in August of 2024 and quickly conceived in October 2024, with me now being 6 months pregnant. Knowing of Z and S’s fertility issues, we told them first to give them some time to come to terms with it and then told our families a month and a half later. This is when shit hit the fan. When I told S, she stopped talking to me for 3 weeks, absolute radio silence. Then before our announcement to our families in December, we were able to meet up and S told me how despite being upset that it wasn’t her, she was happy and excited for us. At our announcement, S proceeded to uncontrollably bawl her eyes out for 15 mins straight after we told our parents, not even 5 mins after announcing. S then proceeded to pout in the living room all night, drank a bottle of wine out of the bottle to her face, and then drove off at the end of the night to her friends house. Then until Christmas, S proceeded to go no contact with me again until our whole family got together for the holidays for a party, where she pouted all night again and gave me dirty looks and glares every time I came into the room or talked about my pregnancy, and would say backhanded comments about my pregnancy when she thought I wasn’t listening.
In January, I told S we needed to talk about how she was being hurtful about how she was treating me and how my husband and I felt very uncomfortable now being near her, to where S told me to “read the fucking room” before talking about my pregnancy and that “we can literally talk about anything fucking else”. I told her I felt like our feelings were being dismissed and we weren’t allowed to be happy about our baby around her, and S told me that “yeah but what about what I’m going through”. We then didn’t talk until the beginning of March, where I spent my time ignoring her and not going around family to avoid the drama, and my husband even avoided his brother Z and stopped talking to him, until S reached out to talk after my MIL got my baby shower invitation without S’s name on it (remember, same house lol). I thought it finally would get better because S admitted that she was out of control these past few months and didn’t mean to make everything about her, and she apologized for dismissing our feelings and making us feel like we weren’t allowed to be happy, and hoped she was allowed to go to the baby shower. I told her she was, so long as no drama followed her there, because it was our day to celebrate and be happy about our baby, something we have felt like we haven’t been able to do since announcing. She promised she would, and told me how excited and happy she was for us.
Baby shower was this past Sunday, and drama indeed followed, and we are so done with it. At our shower, we had our gender reveal and told everyone to wear blue or pink with their guess of the gender. S shows up in blue, gives me a hug, but proceeds to not look me in the eyes, not talk to me, and made it known she was only here for appearances. The shower came and went, and at the end we announced we were having a baby girl. When I looked at everyone’s faces, there were so many smiling and excited looks, except for S who had her mouth dropped and looked pissed. Z came up to us and gave us a hug, and S ran out of the shower outside to then bawl her eyes out again for the rest of the event (20-30 mins). Refused to say goodbye to us, refused to congratulate us, refused to leave the drama behind.
Now my husband and I have agreed that S will never be okay with us having a baby before them, and her insane jealously and envy is too much to handle and we just cannot trust her anymore. We don’t want that negative energy around our child and we agreed with how much drama she has caused and how much we don’t trust her anymore, it would be best to have her as far away from our baby and not let her hold her. With all the horror stories we read, it’s what we think is the best decision. Now though, we told my mother this who is very up to date with all the drama and she says it is not a good idea and to give her time. She says it will just cause more drama, and doesn’t understand why I would let this influence the future. I told her how I have no trust for S anymore, and I won’t allow this negative person who switched up on me be close to my baby, and she says that I would be making the wrong decision.
So, would I be the asshole if I don’t let my SIL hold my baby?
Comments
NTA, tell her to make her own baby
I don’t even need to read the full post. 100% NTA.
Your child is your child. No one is entitled to hold your child. You don’t to give anyone a reason as to why they cannot hold your baby. If you feel unsafe/uncomfortable with your SIL holding your baby, then you are 100% allowed to set that boundary. You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone (other than maybe your husband, but it sounds like you’re on the same page.)
It will 100% cause drama, so please just prepare yourself emotionally. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re being unreasonable, and don’t let anyone question your decisions as a mother.
INFO: Are you concerned that she will hurt the child or steal her? Or just the vibes?
I think probably going low contact with her isn’t a bad idea but if you’re really her friend, can you get her help for what is clearly a breakdown? I guess I’m looking for a compassionate solution that doesn’t diminish your pregnancy and the birth of your daughter. Maybe one doesn’t exist.
NTA either way.
NTA but I think that’s only if it also includes not letting her around the baby which sounds like it might be difficult given the family dynamics.
If it were me, I would have your husband to sit down with his brother (or brother and mom) and say that while you understand that your SIL has been having a difficult time, the baby shower proved that she’s still not OK with the situation and at this point, you don’t trust her around the baby. So you’ll be going low-contact and not discussing anything baby related with her and you suggest she get professional help. If and when she gets help, you’d be willing to talk about letting her into your daughter’s life but right now your priority has to be your baby and not [SIL’s] hurt feelings and inability to process them.
Be prepared for the blow back on that though.
NTA, she seems completely unhinged
Why let your SIL be around at all? She doesn’t care about you or the baby. Idk why you’re even considering being around her.
Your mom’s opinion is so old school and outdated. Like “oh don’t rock the boat, just let crazy people treat you like shit, make yourself smaller to accommodate”. Yeah right.
NTA. You should cut off the crazy lady before she tries to steal your baby or make the birth allll about her.
NTA. You should’ve went no contact with her long ago. She shouldn’t be around you or the baby when she’s born
NTA Look at this objectively this is a person you have not talked to in multiple months. And the last few interactions with her has been wildly unstable. I would frame it exactly that way to you mom. Something like “Hey, I know sister is struggling with fertility. But her actions and how she is behaving is extremely worrying. We have not had a proper conversation in months. And everytime she interacts with us she is hysterical and yelling. I am not willing to put my child in an unstable situation. Yelling and emotions are understood by children. And well I cannot trust her to not break down whilst holding my child. I do not believe she will harm my child on purpose but emotions are a fragile things and things get heated. So no I will not put my child in that situation. You are saying it will cause more drama. But what will really cause more drama and sever any familial connection I have to sister is my child getting hurt. Right now it is fixable if she gets some therapy and actually apologizes and shows consistent behavior for a few months. I rather keep it fixable even if she resents me for it rather than nuking any bond I have with her.”
1 million% NTA, she is no longer a safe person for you which automatically makes her not a safe person for your baby. Would you hand your baby over to someone who openly hates you? Nopeee. So you it is 100% okay to not hand your baby over to someone who has shown you so much hostility since you became pregnant.
It is YOUR child (+ your husband). You get the final say on how best to protect your child! Your baby’s safety comes miles and miles above anyone else’s feelings or opinions.
NTA – baby crazy is still crazy. I wouldn’t let her near my child maybe ever
NTA: The only caveat I would say is that if she does eventually change her attitude you should be open to revisiting this.
NTA. I wouldn’t trust her within 10 feet of my baby. Good luck
NTA. She sounds like too much work. You don’t need that around your bubs.
You’re clearly NTA and your SIL needs to find a way to deal with her issues because the reality is that the world may have stopped for her while trying to conceive, other women are going to continue to get pregnant and have babies.
I do wonder if she’s on hormones for IVF tho as if she’s already a bit crazy I hear those can wreak havoc on emotions. Doesn’t mean her behaviour is ok but it could explain (some) of it.
Your SIL has turned your pregnancy into her personal pity party, and your baby deserves peace, not toxic drama. Keeping her away isn’t about punishment; it’s about protecting your child from someone who’s repeatedly shown she can’t handle her emotions.
The in-laws can visit at your house. That woman is unhinged. Don’t let her near your baby.
You’re smart not to let her anywhere near your baby!!
NTAH
But you’re six months pregnant, why would you plan months ahead? Take care of yourself, of your family and make sure to have some boundaries set in place. For example she cannot show up at the hospital with Z. That is more important than if she holds the baby or not.
Just make sure her husband understands that you don’t want to see her anytime soon. And let your MIL know. Best would be your hubby tells them.
NTA
She’s either going to sob every time the baby is there or you’ll be doing another post in a few months talking about how the family are demanding you to let your SIL adopt your daughter because she deserves her more. Every story I’ve read like that has always started out like this. Read the one about the SIL who broke into the home and tried to kidnap the child. She’s unhinged and honestly very fucking immature. The irresponsibility with money, the being completely dependant on family while actively trying to conceive a kid she clearly can’t afford, the pouting, the demanding an invite to an event she doesn’t even want to go to purely so she can act a victim. She’s a CHILD. What do spoilt little children do? They take whatever toys they want. Your baby is a toy, that spoilt little child is going to try snatch her up and demand she gets a turn because she doesn’t have one and “ITS NOT FAIRRRRRRR YOU GET EVERYTHING SHE DOESNT WAAAAAHHH”. Also expect your other in laws to switch the F up on you cause they have to live with the child and they’ll try force your hand to get it to shut the hell up and stop making their lives miserable.
Nope. Nta. It’s your kid.
Stop letting others tell you what your boundaries are or aren’t. It’s your kid. The buck stops with you. Doesn’t matter if others agree with it or not. It’s your boundary. Honor it. Don’t second guess yourself or allow yourself to be guilt tripped into acquiescing because others would rather things be easy. Well, so would you right? …but your sister in law needs help so…here we are lol.
Your SIL needs professional therapy and most likely medication. The parents need to stop enabling these two failure to launch folks before said brother and sister kick the parents out of their own home or start stealing money from them. Being independent and financially solvent isn’t an issue or focus for them as the parents keep rescuing them. They’re probably hoping they can get pregnant so they’ll never have to leave. If they stay there long enough, the parents will have a difficult time legally getting them out or to leave unless they evict them and go through the courts. They will never leave willingly. They don’t have to. Everything is taken care of for them. There is no incentive to leave. A baby will add even more guilt to the grandparents. You’re going to kick us out and make us homeless when we have a child? 😱🙄
Like who in their right mind that behaves like they’re 12 and can’t even keep their phone active would try for a kid? What so they can forget about the kid and possibly leave it in a car on a hot day? These two are the definition of irresponsible and manipulative .
No one is entitled to hold your baby except you and your husband. You are the parent. If you feel it is unsafe or you are uncomfortable with someone holding your child, that is your right and duty as her mother to protect her and say no.
Just like when she is a toddler/child – if she doesn’t want to hug/kiss someone. She doesn’t have to.
Given how jealous and toxic your sister in law has behaved for awhile now – don’t let her. If she has more of a mental break, she could hurt the child or kidnap it.
She seems incredibly entitled and in this weird victim mentality so expect drama if she shows up to a family function. That or be very selective of which events you will attend.
Babies need to stay at home and not be introduced to family until 2-3 months of age so their immune system can develop anyways. Given that measles is spreading like wild fire even though it was eradicated by science decades ago…🙄, pls be extra careful. 🙏
Urg N T A your baby your choice ( without husband of course )
But 100 percent that will cause more drama.
Other then this intense baby stuff has she been like this in the past ? Does she need theripy ?
NTA. You can’t trust your SIL until she gets over her issues, apologizes & shows actual change. Congratulations on having a girl.
Don’t listen to your mom. Once you have a child they are YOUR responsibility. You don’t curtail to others for the sake of avoiding drama if it puts your child at risk. Move far away and be done with them all! Your child depends on YOU to keep them safe. Do WHATEVER it takes to keep that confidence.
NTA she will never be happy for you unless she gets help. Unless you hear that she’s been in therapy and gives you a real apology…she wouldnt be anywhere near my child.
Also grandparents can come to you to see your child so S is not near your child unsupervised
Trust your instincts.
NTA. Whatever one else said- I would not trust her around the baby. Until she gets her shit straight, in-laws come to you and at family parties, baby wrap so someone doesn’t hand her to off to SIL.
Nope, not TAH at all!! She’s consistently made wrong choices, and jealousy is insidious! Once baby is born, she’d either be impossible to get rid of or she’d be completely toxic, neither of which needs you to tolerate! Congratulations on your daughter!
NTA this isn’t even something you needed to announce to the family. Do what you need to protect your baby. No one else will, clearly not even her grandparents.
NTA I wouldn’t invite her to hospital either – she’s making every single milestone about her and her envy- stop including her.
NTA. Your Mom should be backing you up and telling your brother and wife they need to be the ones to stop the drama and that S needs professional help. It’s not normal.
What do you think she’s going to do, kill the baby?
NTA. I would rather have drama than my baby harmed kn any way and unhinged, jealous psychos aren’t safe.
This is one of the happiest times of your life. It is a shame that you are expected to tamper your joy because your SIL has not yet conceived. Frankly, it is a good thing she isn’t bringing a baby into her unstable situation. Being married to brothers, she probably compares many aspects of her life to yours and always comes up short. Your in-laws need to stop enabling their financial irresponsibility.
Enjoy your life, and don’t let her diminish your joy.
Updateme
NTA does your mom not care about you? She should be on your side she’s your mom this person is nothing her. Her grandchild and daughter well being is more important that your SIL who isn’t even related to her is. Like what’s wrong with her. Keep your SIL away from your child.
NTA – she needs some serious therapy before she is within 50ft of your baby.
I would be scared to death to let that psycho near my baby. Not even supervised. She wouldn’t be within 10 miles to my baby for at least 5-7 years.
NTA
NTA Trust your instincts and stay away from SIL.
I suggest you and your husband discuss boundaries you can agree on regarding who can see your baby and where, you should not visit the in-laws house, all the visits should be at your place or a neutral location away from SIL.
The most crucial part is that all of this needs to be addressed by your husband with his family.
NTA. Stay away from her for now. She’s too blinded by her jealousy. Maybe God or the universe doesn’t think they’re ready. They can’t even stand on their own.
Congratulations and keep toxic people out of your life.
Every one of you sounds insufferable.
What your mother is forgetting, is that S is deliberately ruining special family memories repeatedly. Moments that cannot be replicated.
You also have given her space, consideration and time to adjust to the situation. She has been provided with the option to avoid certain situations, where she may feel she is unable to manage. Like your baby shower.
I struggled with infertility, miscarriages and ivf. It’s painful watching family/friends procreate, while you are left with nothing. It’s hard, so I get it.
That said, you don’t then attend baby events! Like your SIL did with your baby shower, resulting in another scene! You don’t snipe, you don’t sour the joy!
Instead she should distance herself respectfully, while genuinely trying to process and manage her infertility challenges. Particularly as you have dealt with the situation with tact and sensitivity.
What has your PIL said about the situation? BIL? Surely they aren’t happy, because S will be blocking them from having a full relationship with their granddaughter and nibling, especially as S lives in their house.
Time for you guys to put healthy boundaries in place to protect your peace. Utilise the fact S is stressing you out with her behaviour, it’s worrying and it doesn’t appear to be improving. It’s also unfair and a high amount of pressure placed on you, the pregnant lady, to endure her pain…almost like a penance for your audacity in becoming pregnant.
The next situation that arises, your husband needs to step in and strongly stipulate that he will no longer tolerate this undue pressure on you, for the sake of yours and baby’s health. It’s unacceptable. At that point, he should suggest that S seeks further support as he is worried for her, but that his priority is you and baby. That it’s best that you all (your family and S) take an extended break.
Then he holds the line. This includes ensuring you are not contacted by any flying monkeys and he maintains that barrier well after baby’s arrival.
That mute/black button is your best friend! Get a ring camera so you can have a measure of control over your front door without answering.
Do not allow S to dominate your first moments with your daughter and your family time after, no matter the pressure from his family. Agree to consequences for those that become messengers (e.g limit to no access to you and baby).
NTA
NTA for keeping your SIL away from the baby but YTA for telling your MIL. You put her in the middle. You should have figured out a discrete way for your MIL to be around the baby but not SIL. Claim limited visitors due to germs, etc.
NTA- You’re under reacting. I would let wherever you’re choosing to give birth, that SIL is not welcome. Not in the delivery room and not in your room. She’s already proven she can’t handle the situation and why take chances. If you don’t already, get cameras for all entries for your place. If mom has a key, re-key or get new locks and do not give her a new key. Mom is not taking this seriously enough!
updateme
NTA. I wouldn’t let her hold the baby nor be around the baby at all. She’s decided she’s going to be the baby and as a new mom, no need to have to take care of 2 babies. Good luck!
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
The next trimester, you’re gonna need to rest and keep stress to a minimum to have a stress free birth. With your SIL’s mental health issues being a trigger, you’re gonna have to hold those boundaries HARD.
Focus on your birth plan and if you are planning birth at hospital, you can give the Head of Midwifery a heads up that you do not want visitors or certain people to visit.
If you are planning a home birth, have a doula or advocate that will hold those boundaries for you.
You need to protect your peace. You can say your doctor recommends bed rest until the due date if you need space.
When the baby arrives, continue holding that boundary. I would avoid sharing news on socials (and inform family of your intentions of low socials) until you’ve had time to settle and enjoy spending time with bub without drama following you.
Unfortunately, your friendship with SIL has run its season. She needs help and until she’s back into a good place, she’s not a safe and trustworthy person for you and your baby.
Have your husband pick up and drop off your MIL and FIL for visits to your house and inform them that their home is no longer safe while BIL and SIL are living there continue this as long as SIL is living there and untreated.
You are NTA. Wishing you all the best for a safe and healthy arrival. Please keep us all updated.
NTA. Tell mom that you will not wait until your 3rd child for her to be okay.
NTA I wouldn’t trust her not to kidnap the baby
NTA. I would be very very concerned that she would harm the baby out of spite and jealousy. You really can never be overprotective of your children when it comes to an out of control person.
SIL is pathetic and yes, unstable. However…OP could just not say anything outright but have the agreement between herself and husband that SIL will never be alone with baby. Ever…which means MIL will not have babysitting privileges either unless she comes to your home where you have CAMERAS. This will still allow you complete control while not looking like the bad guy. Husband must have your back 100% on this deal as well as your own mother. SIL can Never be with baby alone, like she cannot even walk into another room with baby unless you or husband follow. Non-negotiable.
Have in-laws come to you no other way around it best option and NC with SIL
NTA.
Look, even if you’re choosing the best kind route, she’s very clearly having this absolutely blow her mental health. She’s not coping and lashing out and has been the entire pregnancy. Do not put a baby in her arms.
NTA. You will definitely not be the ah. Can I ask you a serious question? What’s wrong with your Mom??? Is she a people pleaser who just doesn’t like the rock the boat ? Her response to your concerns is really uncalled for and unnecessary and not fair to both you, your husband as well as your soon-to-be born child. You and your husband have the final say and who is allowed around your child . This is at any point in your lives. Your rules. Protect your family and protect your child and protect your sanity. You do not need negativity or any kind of garbage around you and your growing family.
That sounds like a complete ass head who needs to grow the F up. She needs to be permanently cured of her main character syndrome. Why the hell would she and her husband be trying for a child when they can’t even get their finances in order??? They’re still living with Mommy and Daddy who’s taking care of half their bills. Shaking my damn head.
NTA
I wou6be concerned she would harm the child. Stay away
NTA,
She is a piece of work. Imagine if she does get pregnant? Then everything will become about her baby and her needs and her shower blah blah blah blah blah. If she is never able to conceive then what happens? Are you never to happy because you have children and she doesn’t? Are you to go through this BS each and every time.
Hell No to all of the above. Stop letting this Viper Poison your pregnancy journey. You can’t let her stop you from interacting with family because she can’t handle this situation with love and understanding. She is making your entire pregnancy about her and her not conceiving. This is your Journey. Not about her. Stop being upset. Stop feeding into her inability to see that this isn’t about her. Stop feeding into your MIL’s need to coddle her.
Set your boundaries for your child. Period. If she can’t deal with this situation then she and her husband need to leave your in-law’s home and get their shit together. Her world didn’t come crashing down because you got pregnant first. Her world isn’t going to end because you are having the first grandchild. Her world isn’t your concern.
Stop feeding into this mess. Your DH needs to have a very long and detailed conversation with his brother concerning how this isn’t right and her treatment of this situation is causing unnecessary tension and fragmentation in the family because she hasn’t gotten pregnant. Your DH needs to sit his parents down and explain that this situation is completely unfair to you and him because she is causing drama and you can’t help that you got pregnant first. He needs to explain that you and he will not alter or accommodate your boundaries because she is behaving this way. It isn’t right and them saying that she will come around is taking the joy out of your pregnancy. She doesn’t have to be happy but she shouldn’t be acting like her world has shattered and taking it out on you guys.
She has had problems conceiving and that isn’t your problem. You have tried to be compassionate but compassion and understanding goes both ways. She has shown you that she can’t think beyond herself. As long as others keep coddling her, she will continue to behave this way. She needs to get her shit together and get herself in a better financial situation to 1) afford a child 2)find out why she hasn’t conceived and if they have options. This situation is not a situation. It is her situation.
Congratulations on the Pregnancy. I wish you health, wealth and a very happy healthy baby.
Nope
Is she on hormone therapy as part of thier fertility journey? My bff was I’ll say special for a a year or so when she was going through some processes.
Updateme