Hi. My (33f) husband (33) and I have a kid (2yo m).
I love to be a mother and I feel I’m complete. I feel my family is complete. I also love the fact that I can give all the attention to my son and to our little family. I also work full time, but managed to work from home 7am to 3pm to have a quality time with my son during afternoon. As it happens with most parents, I’m 100% of the time tired. Sometimes more than I’d like to admit. And although motherhood has been a blessing, I just don’t feel like doing it again. The things is that my husband sees things differently. And maybe this is an important context: before having my son, we discussed about having two kids.
Happens that even thought we have been trying to discuss it over and over again, we can’t find an agreement. We don’t argue, but he keeps asking what needs to happen for me to want to have another kid. And the answer is simple: I just don’t want to. I’m not traumatized, we have stability, we’d be able to afford another kid. But we live in a foreign country where we do not have support from family. The only support we have is once a week and paid. He thinks this is fine and feels he is not complete yet.
Anyways. I told him I want to get sterilized, which of course he does not agree. And I feel like s*** for thinking like that, but ultimately I know it’s my decision over my body, I mainly feel bad because we did discuss the amount of kids right before getting married and I know I am the one “breaking it” now.
Wibtah if I got sterilized without his agreement?
For context: we love each other and I’d never do it behind his back. For both of us, regardless of the outcome, divorce is not an option. We respect each other and we just don’t agree anymore on this topic, all of our other values are very well aligned.
If I’m honest with myself, the only thing I’m afraid of is that he’d resent me. I know he doesn’t agree, but he would not stop me from having a sterilization. However, he might resent me in the future.
Another point to add: he is a fully present father. He even works less hours than I and spends more time with our son than I do.
Another edit: I would be open to adopt a bigger child, around 6 or 7 years old. We talked about this. He says he doesn’t want to adopt a bigger child because some aspects of personality are built until 4yo (which is scientifically proven). So this is another point we can’t agree on, because that’s exactly the phase I don’t want to go through.
Comments
NTA your body your choice. Same with what other people are saying though, you would be the TA if you do it and don’t have a conversation, maybe having the conversation will mean you get a divorce, but that’s better than staying with someone who will make you feel pressured into having another kid when you don’t want one
Nope, nta. You would be ta if you don’t tell him it’s happening, but you don’t need his consent to get sterilized.
My dad did it secretly when he married his second wife. He thought she was trying to lock him in and she was already 38 but she wanted to hook him that way. He snuck off and did it and she was none the wiser.
This is a tough one, and I’m glad you asked. No, and yes, you would BTAH. At the end of the day, your body is your body, and you should do with it how you please. But, be prepared for considerable pushback if not him walking out. I think you may already be expecting that though. Peace either way, friend.
This might come down to a major incompatibility, and you might have to separate.
Because I would be very concerned of him fucking with your birth control or fucking with condoms in order to get you pregnant to have that second kid.
I think being sterilized is a safe bet, especially if you don’t want any more kids at all.
NTA for changing your mind, but you would be the asshole if you don’t have a frank and honest discussion with your husband about this.
>Wibtah if I got sterilized without his agreement?
No, but you would be the asshole if you hid that from him. Do what you need to do but be honest about it.
You are allowed to change your mind. He isn’t the one who has faced changes to his body, mind, and emotional health.
Doing it and NOT discussing it with your partner first is a d!ck move
NTA-but just like it is your right over your body, it is his right to decide that he then can no longer stay in the marriage. This is a very nuanced and sticky situation and it feels like neither one of you is trying to actually understand and communicate, you are just stuck on what YOU want and no more. Both of you. Perhaps you need to talk this issue out with a marriage counselor who can help you both navigate this.
NTA. At the end of the day, it’s your body. I’m sure since you work from home you’re the one who’s looking at the son the most since you’re with him all day. If it’s too mentally taxing for you to have another, then that’s completely fine. Even if you didn’t want to get sterilized and just take contraceptives, that would be okay too.
AITAH verdict: Yes, you would be if you did this secretly. The sterilization itself isn’t the issue – it’s the deception. Your husband deserves to know where you truly stand so he can make informed decisions about his own life. If you’re certain you don’t want more children, that’s completely valid, but he needs to know this is your final answer, not a maybe that might change.
The real conversation you need to have is this: “I’ve made my decision. I don’t want another child, and that’s not going to change. I understand this isn’t what we originally planned, and I’m sorry for that shift. But I need you to hear that this is final.” Then you both can decide how to move forward – whether that’s him accepting your family as complete, couples therapy to process this major disagreement, or honestly facing that you may be incompatible on something fundamental.
Getting sterilized openly, after making your position crystal clear? That would be a reasonable choice. Doing it secretly while he thinks you’re still considering his perspective? That would make you the asshole and likely destroy your marriage through betrayal rather than honest disagreement.
The harder path – but the right one – is full transparency first.
NTA but he would also be NTA if he decides to leave you for it
I mean youd 100% BTAH because you guys agreed beforehand to a certain number and now you are breaking this promise; however, at the end of the day, your body, your choice if you don’t want to go through it again. That’s your decision to make; just be prepared for what he may do in retaliation, whether that be walking out or taking some other action.
NTA if you do it, as long as you are upfront about it. I highly encourage you to go to marriage counseling to work through this.
NTA but he’s also NTA if he decides this is a dealbreaker and files for divorce, you don’t get to be upset.
NTA at all. But really think hard. Honestly I wouldn’t. I would get an IUD or other less permanent BC. Things can really change sometimes. When your 40 go ahead, but a lot can happen in 7 years.
Yes. You definitely would be.
Your body, your choice. He doesn’t get to pressure you into another pregnancy. You’re the one who went through it all not him. You’re allowed to change your mind. Tell him you’re getting sterilized not asking, just informing. It’s non negotiable.
I would say only TAH if you didn’t talk to your husband about it first. Marriage is all about open communication. Be open and say you only want one. You are allowed to change your mind and only want one.
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YWBTA, don’t get sterilized behind his back. If you do that, you may end up divorced. That’s the type of decision you need to make together as a couple.
NAH
You can do it but if he wants to have more kids he might leave you and find someone else.
NTA, full stop.
Your life and your desires have changed. He doesn’t want to see that. You’ve already told him what you want, so you’re not doing this behind his back.
Moreover, it’s not as if you can keep sterilization a secret–to my knowledge, every procedure for female sterilization comes with visible surgical wounds, not to mention that you’d have to make arrangements for childcare, time off, etc. If you’re living together, he’ll know something is happening.
Live your life the way you want it. Life is too short not to.
NTA, it’s okay to change your mind, please tell him you are going to have the procedure and let him decide if he wants to stay.
You wbta if you did it without being honest with him – it’s a breach of marital trust. You two need couples therapy. You need a neutral person to help you communicate with him your feelings and why you don’t want another child. Do this BEFORE you choose sterilization. If you have the convo and he’s still not willing to concede, it may be a major fissure that dissolves your marriage. But you have to tell him it’s a deal breaker that you are not willing to budge on. You owe him the honesty.
I am unclear as to what was established, regarding your desires for kids before marriage. Did you agree to have multiple kids?
NTA as long as you are honest with your husband. You are completely in your rights to be sterilized but he will also need to decide if the second child is a deal breaker for him and he may leave or potentially poison the relationship with resentment. No one is wrong here, you just want different things
NAH I would just hold off on it to see if you change your mind. I would practice whatever birth control you are comfortable with – IUD, pill, condom. Wait until you are out of the toddler stage before making a final decision. I think it’s common that people change their minds on how many children they want after they have the first or even second child. My DH is an only child. MIL says they wanted more but just just never felt like she had enough of herself to give to another child. And so they only had one. DH only wanted 1 child while I wanted 4. We compromised at 2. After our first was born, DH fell in love & was willing to have as many as I wanted. So perspectives can change both ways.
YWBTA if you did it against his wishes.
Marriage counseling STAT. You are done, but he keeps pushing. Does he even help with your son?
Know a couple that wanted six kids, but after two, she realized she could not go through that again. One of the kids has a host of health issues which just keeping increasing even in adulthood and the wife did not want to put more kids at risk.
Almost thirty years later and the husband is still whining that she broke her promise to him. He figured with enough kids, the odds were that more than one would turn out healthy.
If you did it secretly behind his back… yes but then again it’s your choice. I would suggest putting all your proverbial cards on the table. Lay out all your worries when you revisit the topic. Perhaps if you two cannot agree at this time. Put the topic on ice for awhile then revisit it on a date you both agree on. Right now your kiddo is two months old, you both are probably kinda exhausted and stressed. You are still recovering from birth so I would consult a doctor before making any heavy decisions.
Your decision your body but even for a male getting a simple vasectomy many offices require spousal consent form to be signed by spouse in person. Where is my body my choice on that one ?
When a vasectomy your down and out for a few days. I’m gonna assume women tube tie is a longer recovery. YTA. I also think it would be hard to “ hide”
Nta but If you did want another child, remember that adoption’s always an option! There’s plenty of kids who are in foster homes that need stable, loving families and that way you don’t have to deal with the whole diapers and staying up and being pregnant
NTA – You’ve already said you won’t do it behind his back. The world has changed since you got married and daydreamed about your future children. It’s not unreasonable that you have adjusted your thinking based on your knowledge gained since you got married.
Tell him that if HE needs to feel fulfilled, then he could find a way that HE can carry a baby for 9 months and take care of it.
I personally could not have stayed with someone that was not on the same page as me about how many kids we wanted!
I am so close to my brother and could not imagine not giving my child a sibling!
It sounds like you are not longer compatible and ultimately one of you is going to end up resenting the other
Question: is he a supportive parent and partner? Because if you agreed to two kids, and he agreed to 50/50 parenting and isn’t stepping up, he changed the terms already.
If he’s a supportive partner and dad and you’re changing the terms, that’s on you.
Back in the day, I couldn’t get my tubes tied without his agreement. Times may have changed.
You are in the post partum period so you should wait out the decision. Regardless, lying is wrong. The dishonesty alone may destroy your marriage.
Would you be open to adopting or having a baby via surrogate? Or are you not interested in parenting two children?
If he ends up resenting you that’s crazy and at that point in time you’d definitely need to get a divorce. But you may be getting ahead of yourself here. I’m pretty sure your husband will come around to your body your choice, and how beneficial it is to focus all your attention on one child rather than dividing it between two. Also, it’s wayyy cheaper to only have one child! He will love that fact, trust me!
Absolutely your decision to do what you want to your body, NTA for that but if you don’t tell your husband then yeah, YTA. Would you be able to live with that resentment he will have towards you? I know you say divorce is not an option but would your marriage be able to survive this?
I would 100% go forward with the sterilization, but I would be upfront with him about it.
Honestly, him saying he doesn’t feel complete gives me weird vibes, but you know your husband best.
I suggest he be sterilized as the male procedure is less traumatic and more easily reversed should you change your mind.
NTA but I strongly recommend marriage counseling. You say that divorce is not an option but the fact is that one of you is going to be extremely displeased regardless of whether or not you have another child.
Anecdotal.
My first marriage, we’d agreed to three kids. After two surgical deliveries, I decided I was done at two. I discussed it with him and we agreed that I’d get the tubal. Three years later, we divorced as he decided he needed more kids. Today, he has three more kids with ex wife 2. We did not try counseling.
Nta, your body your choice. Be honest with him about him and accept that it may be a deal breaker for him, which is his right. However you do what you need to for your body.
Is he doing any of the child caring because it sounds like it’s all you. He may want children, but he needs to act like more of a Dad
“If something happens to me during delivery, can you raise two children solo?”
NTA if you want to get sterilized – it is your body and your responsibility to carry a child, so you do get the choice. However, if you are in a true partnership and you have talked about family planning, it is important to keep those conversations going, and if you do it without talking to your partner about it, then that is an AH move. Also, your child is only 2. It is entirely possible that in a few years you would be open to a sibling. And if not, that is also fine, but is this a decision you are 100% comfortable with now and you know is going to be the same in the near future? You’re allowed to change your mind about the number of kids you thought you wanted, just like you’re ok to change your mind if you were to decide that one is no longer enough. Just be sure you are totally done before committing to an irreversible choice.
NAH. but i would discuss more with him on why he feels the family isn’t complete, and if he truly needs to have a second kid. does he actually want a second kid or does he want the joy and euphoria that comes with expecting a baby? is he really prepared to go through all those long months of pregnancy with you and then the aftermath of dealing with sleepless nights feeding a brand new baby Plus managing your current two year old? is he willing to keep pushing this on you to where you might start resenting him for having a second baby?
definitely discuss it all with him, especially the part where you’re contemplating going through with sterilization. stick to your word and don’t do it behind his back. because regardless, if you truly, truly don’t want another baby, you don’t have to. your body, your choice, just be prepared for your husband to be disappointed and maybe a bit distant or resentful for him not being able to be fulfilled in family.
also remember it’s not your fault for unexpectedly feeling content and complete with your one kid – you guys discussed maybe having two before him, so it’s not like you would’ve expected or guessed to feel like he’s enough before you had him.
NTA as long as you are open. For the person who says YTA because you have an agreement, this is not a contract. That’s like saying someone who said they’d have sex with and then changes their mind is breaking an agreement. No! NTA
However, emotionally he might not be ready to accept the permanence of it yet. It might take some time to adjust to. Would it be possible to consider a less permanent but reliable birth control? Like IUD or do they still have the shots or the thing in your arm? I wouldn’t trust anything that could be tampered with like pills or condoms.
NTA for wanting to do it, TA if you don’t tell him when you do it.
However.
Be aware.
This might cause divorce.
If he really wants another child.
I will say this.
I don’t know one single only child, who did not miss having a sibling.
To play with.
Share teenage things with.
Go through life with.
And to have each other once parents passes.
If you do not want another child, that means no more children. Both parents need to want another child. So if you do not want another one, make sure it doesn’t happen by accident. Go ahead and get sterilized.
NTA to do it but YWBTA if you lied. Tell him point blank that you do not agree that there is adequate support. You definitely should be discussing this if it is the entire issue. Maybe some couples counselling would be a good idea if that is the case. My main worry here is that if this is your only motivation, you might regret your choice… Maybe a tubal clipping might also be more appropriate. The clips can be removed, but a salpingectomy (tube removal) cannot be reversed… It might also be worth looking into an IUD birth control – Mirena lasts 7 years. If you are absolutely set though again NTA.
YWBTA
violating the agreement you made.
Also, sounds like you have post partum depression which you should seek help for.
When I got my vasectomy, which we agreed to, the doctor also received my wife’s signed consent.
I would discuss it first, 100%. But also: hold off for a while! Your idea about having a second kid might change once you get to know your first one, and the trauma of childbirth wears off :).
It happened to us, and we are so happy with our two daughters! (Although it is hell at times hahaha)
Kids are a non-negotiable item.
It takes 2 yeses to have a kid. If either partner says no, its a no.
I would do what you need to do, but definitely don’t lie. That is not OK.
How much time is he spending with your kid? How much of the chores is he doing?
Are you in an actual partnership or is it all on your shoulders?
Anyway, not the asshole, he does not need to agree nor approve what decisions you make for you body. You can always adopt later if you actually want another kid.
Kid is 2m? And he is a very present father? Let it rest for a year, 2 years. Now you are still too fresh from pregnancy and birth and changes. Enjoy the baby first.
Best wishes!
after just reading the opening question: absolutely not. it is your body, not his. your choice, not his.
after fully reading it: my point still stands just don’t do it behind his back, make it that “this is what is happening and i know may not want it but i have to live with a fetus in me for 40 weeks and i don’t think i will be able to do that again.”
Look, here it is. You are NTA so long as you are up front with him about it, but you are not going to be able to control his reaction. This is the kind of thing that can be a dealbreaker in a marriage and you have to be prepared for him to decide that a marriage on these new terms no longer works for him. You are allowed to change your mind about how many children you want to have, but he is equally allowed to hold firm in his desire for more than one child. I am not unsympathetic – I have one child, stopped there for a variety of reasons, and it was the best choice for me and my family, but my husband was and remains fully on board with it. If you really do intend to tie your tubes or do something equally as drastic, you need to give it very careful thought and be extremely clear with your husband. And again, be prepared for him to walk.
Your body, your decision.
ALWAYS the partner that doesn’t want a child wins. If he coerces you into another child, you will resent him and the child. It is not fair to the child.
Why does he want another child? This may be something for him to really examine.
Also, another pregnancy does not guarantee a healthy baby. Are either of you prepared for that?
Might you be willing to leave the door open to foster a child in the future?
ALWAYS the partner that doesn’t want a child wins. If he coerces you into another child, you will resent him and the child. It is not fair to the child.
Why does he want another child? This may be something for him to really examine.
Also, another pregnancy does not guarantee a healthy baby. Are either of you prepared for that?
Might you be willing to leave the door open to foster a child in the future?
Surprised at all the NTA votes. He is allowed to want another kid, it may just be a dealbreaker for him. NAH
I find the comments interestinf telling you to “discuss it” and “make your stance clear”….. You pretty clearly stated that you very clearly voiced there will be no second child happening. The “discussing stance” has happened already.
Sure he is free to walk out, but so are you. And if neither of you want to walk out, get into counseling.
At the end of the day NTA as this is your body, your choice, and there has no “deception” happened – you simply gained new knowledge based on new experiences and changed your mind over that. This is absolutely valid and very normal.
You’d become the A H if you were to hide it from him, he starts to become one by trying to tell you to get another child/ not get sterilized, as this is in the end your choice not his.
NAH – It’s your body. AND he would not be an asshole for wanting something different down the road. Contrary to popular belief, there doesn’t have to be an asshole in every scenario and it’s totally ok for you to love each other completely and be diametrically opposed on an issue as it is ok to change your mind upon having more information about something as important as this. The only question really is what is more important for you and are you comfortable with the consequences if this becomes a dealbreaker for him.
NTA, but don’t be surprised if he decides to divorce you somewhere down the road, based on the fact that he wants more children. He might hide his true feelings now because he can’t really prevent you from doing it, but as time goes on, he might really start to resent it.
NTA- but you would still need to tell him and ultimately be ok with the consequences. Otherwise, you would be the AH.
This actually happened to my best friend recently and perhaps you can actually bring this up because it’s not something men actively think about and I’m not sure if it’s something you mentioned.
She and her fiance wanted 2 children min. A boy and a girl. She is currently pregnant with a girl. It turns out, pregnancy is incredibly taxing for her and she has found that no matter which gender it would’ve been, it would’ve been hard for it. But because it is a girl, she has been terribly sick. She even started iron infusions because her iron is so low, she began to faint the farther along she is.
She throws up from the progesterone and estrogen spikes. Overall, while she’s very happy to have a child as she always wanted to be a mother, she says pregnancy has been the worst experience for her and she does not understand women who call it beautiful. She is also small, and needs to have a C-section.
She no longer wants 2 children and told him that. He asked her THE SAME QUESTION. What does she need to make 2 kids happen?
She said: as he is NOT the woman who is carrying, does NOT have to host what is scientifically considered a parasite in the body for 9 months, isn’t doing the infusions, throwing up, not being the stay at home parent (she stays at home, doesn’t work, etc), and a slurry of other examples of her pregnancy trials, tribulations, and doctor experiences- that he does not get to ask her such a question. That he shouldn’t be placing a price on her body.
She asked if he was not grateful for the sacrifice she is currently making and if he has not seen what she’s going through? So she then asked a very ridiculous question about him and his job/income and told him that would be her price. When he achieved that, she would go through this ordeal again.
He took a few days to take in everything she said, apologized, and agreed that their current bundle was enough. If SHE changed her mind, he would be ready to support her for what was to come.
Of course, her story is on the extreme end. But pregnancy is HARD. It is TAXING and there are times the mother takes on most of the parenting without the father realizing. Men will always be able to be support during the pregnancy but they’ll never truly know what those 9 months do to the body. Maybe if you explain from that angle, he’ll understand.
Good luck!
Is a birth control implant or IUD possible in your country?
Those would be great options and honestly, you’ll have to tell him you don’t ever want a 2nd kid. You’ll need to lead with that
This may be an irreconcilable difference.
NTA but good luck getting it done when he’s against it. Doctors can be so antiquated
You wouldn’t be the a hole but maybe there’s a compromise. He knows your stance. Is there a way where you guys could agree to table it for 2 years and then once your oldest is 4 come back together and discuss if anything has changed?
NAH – You’re entitled to do what you want with your body, and he’s allowed to have his feelings about what you do with it. You wouldn’t be TA if you chose to go through with the procedure, but he also wouldn’t be TA if he left you because of it. You would be TA if you went through with the procedure without his knowledge, but he’d also be TA if he outright forbade you from getting it done.
I feel like a good compromise is to adopt a pet, or if your husband is dead set on another kid, you could become foster parents. I don’t mean fully adopting an orphan since that is a pretty big commitment, but becoming a foster family, which would involve temporarily looking after children when their parent/caregiver is unable to, but actively looking to resolve their situation.
Info:
Would things be different if you had proper maternity leave for a year?
Because working full time with a baby sounds like an absolute nightmare to me.
Would you consider allowing your husband to have his second child with another woman?
NTA. I wanted to have another child and my husband did not, it takes two yeses to decide to have a child and only one no because parenthood should never be forced on somebody. The fact that you would have to be the one to carry the baby just means there’s no real compromise where you aren’t Putting yourself out in a way that is just unfair.
And the fact that he doesn’t want to adopt an older child proves that it’s more about himself and his narcissistic needs than about giving a child a good life or creating a beautiful family.
Pre marriage when you discussed how many children you wanted you had not carried and birthed a child yourself. The process is not one that I personally enjoyed at all, in fact I was sick as a dog the whole time with HG and wished I was not here anymore many times throughout the process. The getting tired bit doesnt go away especially if you add another pregnancy and child to the scenario. I think the first time I felt rested was when my kids were grown and out of the house for a year. I think you have the right to change your mind and a right to say no more children. I think it is much better to be the parents of one anyways. I was an only child until I was 10 and did not love being a sister at all- it would have been a much better life if I had remained an only child. I would be very firm and not be persuaded if I were you.
NTA but be prepared to have your marriage be over. He was clear before marriage he wanted 2 kids and you went along with it. You’re allowed to change your mind and he’s allowed to find someone else who wants what he wants
NTA. Your body your choice. Full stop.
I’ll go against the grain and say yeah, YTA.
Your reasons for not wanting another kid are valid, but it sounds like the issue IS in theory one that could be addressed: if you had more paid support, or lived closer to family who’d help out. And maybe other things that would help you feel less tired and worn out.
You never know what your life circumstances will be three or five years from now. Things could change, and I’ll tell you it’s way less exhausting to have a six year old than a three year old. You may well feel differently then, but if you get sterilized now, that option is permanently gone.
So I think it’s fair to take birth control and insist on not having another as long as you’re feeling this way. And maybe you’ll feel this way forever, that’s fine. But I don’t think it’s fair to your partner to permanently close off that possibility, or more generally that makes it impossible for you to have a change of mind/heart that can be acted on. Relationships have to involve give and take, and openness at least to the possibility of changing our minds when it’s important to our partners.
Info: It sounds like you’ve clearly explained why you feel complete and confident in your desire to not have another. Have you asked him exactly what is making him feel incomplete?
This may illuminate his actual feelings beyond “I just want another kid.” It may be that he has some deep-seated feelings about how a family should look that need to be explored, or it could be that you took on the lions share the first time and he thought it was just a fun adventure because he didn’t do the nitty gritty of parenting, etc.
Give it time. You’re exhausted right now and it feels like you’ll never get enough sleep again.
I felt like I couldn’t face going through another pregnancy and having another child, but I got pregnant and had the 2nd baby 16 months later. Both were C-sections so it was hard. The boys are polar opposites with the first one being a challenge in every way while the second one was cuddly and delightful. I’m glad that I had both so I could see how different children can be plus we grew together through the challenges.
At 2 months I was saying that no way I wanted to go through pregnancy again. I freaked out about never getting enough sleep, but it’s been 40+ years now and I have no regrets except that I wish I had had more children. (Hysterectomy at age 30.)
Harvest some eggs, hire a surrogate, and tell him once the child is born, the care is on him
NTA, it’s a sticky situation either ways.
It is your body and the decision is ultimately yours. If you do decide to do it, you need to be aware of the potential consequences, he might resent you for it, eventually ask for a divorce ..etc.
If you decide to not do it, resentment, divorce ..etc
If he decides to end the marriage because he wants more children, that would also be his decision.
I feel like a compromise would be to give yourself more time to think and reconsider all your options and weigh your consequences. Consider adoption for the second child maybe? There are options you can both look into to reach a satisfying compromise.
Based off your edits, you are way too level headed and principled for Reddit to offer you any valuable feedback.
NAH
NTA, but your marriage may be over if you’re at an impasse about this. Whether you get permanent birth control or not, if he wants another child more than he wants to be married to you, you can’t stay married.
I’m just going to say this. You’re a new mom. Understandably overwhelmed by the new responsibilities and time constraints and management of being a first time parent. Sterilization is permanent. I’m not saying your feelings will change or that they are wrong. But, maybe this isn’t a decision you should or have to make right now. Give it a few months and if you still feel the same way, then absolutely do what you feel is right for you. I’m just saying, put it on the back burner and enjoy this child for now.
It’s entirely possible his feelings will change as well. I don’t think you guys should rush a decision.
Perhaps you both can agree to a timeframe to table the discussion and then revisit?
I don’t think YTA, I just don’t think you need to rush your decision.
What are his reasons for wanting another child? It often seems like there’s no justification needed for wanting a child compared to the justification expected for not wanting to have a child. Whatever you guys decide it should be a unanimous decision, not just one deciding for the other. Wishing you all the best, not an easy situation by any means.
So, the sticky part here is that in many areas you have to have your spouse’s consent for sterilization. I had to sign paperwork with a witness for my husband’s vasectomy. Have you looked into the details around this at all?
YOUR BODY
YOUR CHOICE
PERIOD .
YWBTA with a small trend to NTA. In a marriage, you should consider his wishes a little bit more. On the other hand, if you don’t get the Sterilisation, you will definitely weaponize sexuality against hi, by denying his sexual needs like you deny his family building needs now, so honestly in such a grave disagreement I’ll sign up for divorce. You say you respect each other, which might be true, but fundamental differences like yours will not be solved by respect. He needs another wife to fulfill his dreams, and he’s morally entitled to fulfill his dreams like you are entitled to fulfill yours. So get the sterilization, but he will be unhappy afterwards forever or be divorced soon.
You’re NTA. But give it time. Maybe compromise on revisiting the issue in 5 years and make a permanent decision then. You’re in a really hard parenting season right now. You may find that once you’ve reached an easier time you’re more open to the idea. Maybe not. I think for now something like an iud would be a fair compromise.
I mean, NTA – it is your body and your choice, 100%. But you need to be honest with him about this. If you get sterilized, you need to tell him.
Maybe your compatibility just changed. It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to tell him the truth if you do it. If you got sterilized and never told him, you would be the asshole for sure.
Oof, good luck. NAH, but I don’t know how you are going to get through this either way with your marriage intact if you don’t get some couples counseling.
There are excellent arguments for both sides, no one is being selfish and not considering the other person, but there’s no way to really compromise this. You can’t have half a kid.
Would moving to be near family help?
At the end of the day no, you are the one who should choose, not your partner, if you don’t want to have children he should respect you. If he doesn’t like it then he should leave, if he truly loves it then he won’t leave, and if you lose him, it wasn’t worth it.
This a rough one. NTA for wanting to do it or if you ultimately do. That said, this is a huge decision and option to remove from a relationship, and you can’t fault him for leaving if you do so especially with him wanting to have more children. I’d have a serious discussion about the future of your marriage with him before you make your final decision on it. Lots of things about the future to weigh out with this that only you and and your spouse can discuss and decide on together.
If your open to it. and can afford ask him if be stay at home house husband. you be the same level of tired. if not then its your body. your allowed to change your mind.
I’m glad to hear you’re not planning on hiding this. But you do have to plan on letting him go if he finds this to be a dealbreaker. Maybe he will maybe he won’t, but I recommend discussing this a lot more before jumping.
Doing it and not discussing it with him is an AH move. Your kid is 2yo you’re still on the thick of toddler season. Wait until your kid starts kindergarten and you’re welll rested to decide whether or not you want anymore kiddos.
Honestly get some counseling. Go alone if he won’t go. This is serious and you should get help!
What seems to have happened is a fundamental misunderstanding about the “agreement” to have two children. The agreement should have been recognized as a contingent agreement. That means the agreement wasn’t “We will have two children.” The agreement was, “We will try to have a child. If that goes well enough and we both agree, we may decide together to try to have another child.”
It seems that having the first did not meet your conditions for having a second child, so opting out isn’t a violation of any kind of trust. I’ve never carried a child, but my wife has (2), and we talked about a third, but she was done, and that was cool.
The question of whether you would be an asshole if you got sterilized against your partner’s wishes is a no-brainer. But really, I think you need to reopen the discussion of the agreement and try to get them to understand the idea of the contingent nature of it. If they can’t understand that it’s completely unfair of them to expect you to be able to set goals or parameters where you would choose to do all the work of pregnancy again, then you’ll probably need to consider finding a counselor to help you navigate the issues you’re facing.
It is a very real, painful grief to want another child, but to have a partner say no, no matter your gender.
They agreed to two kids, but she changed her mind. She is allowed to change her mind. He is allowed a deep grief.
He may very well resent her going back on her agreement, just like she may resent any pressure to change her mind.
They should try marriage counseling.
NTA, it’s your body that goes through the trauma of pregnancy and breastfeeding. Although I don’t think you should do it behind his back I do this it’s your decision.
Yes, YTA. You can’t do that without your partner’s consent. We had 2 kids and its what we talked about. My wife asked me not to get a vasectomy because she wasn’t ready to close the door and I haven’t. You’re both 33. If he isn’t ready to close the door, you can’t go behind his back.
You can have your tubes untied, ivf or surrogate, or adopt. If yall really want another and you can afford another, these other options should be considered.
Nta Your body your choice.
NTA, but you will have to be ok with whatever feelings your husband has. If he feels resentment, let him feel resentment. If he feels sad, let him feel sad. If he feels angry, let him feel angry. His emotions don’t determine whether your decision was right or wrong — they are just his emotions. You can validate his emotions, respect his emotions, and still do what you believe is the right thing for you. He has every right to his feelings, just like you have every right to decide to make medical decisions about your body.
AH – unfortunately, although your reasons as strong, doing this will be damaging for your family. He’ll find out at some point
NTA but your marriage is headed down the tubes.
NTA you have full autonomy over your body but you do owe your husband honesty. If he’s set on wanting another child then you need to accept the fact that you may no longer be compatible and he may leave to find someone who will give him another child.
NTA but it may be the end of your marriage.
Just because you both discussed two kids, it doesn’t mean you’re obligated to put your body through something you don’t want to put it through. It’s all well and good for him to push for a second baby when he’s not the one carrying and birthing it, and then doing the majority of the childcare.
Sounds like he likes the idea of a second kid because his reality of parenting the first is very different to yours.
With that being said, people are allowed to change their minds when it comes to having kids . It sounds like you need to talk more with a third party (therapist etc) so each person understands the other. But bottom
Line is it’s your body. I would be careful of ensuring your birth control is effective so you don’t run the risk of him sabotaging your birth control methods.
Absolutely NTA. Men don’t fully understand the sacrifice that motherhood requires. By acknowledging the challenges and not taking on more than you can manage, you are being a good mother to your current child.
My mother was maxed out after four kids but my dad wanted a fifth and so I was born and have struggled and been broke most of my life.
If I had the choice to not be born for my mother’s sake I would have chosen that. I’m worried your husband will eventually wear you down and get you to agree to “just one more kid.” So maybe while you decide on sterilization, get an IUD put in just in case. You don’t have to tell him if you’re not comfortable doing so.
YWBTA. If you wanna use the “my body my choice” logic, that goes both ways and he can simply find another women to have a kid with using his body as its apparently his choice. Making such a big decision like that unilaterally is pretty disrespectful to the marriage honestly, especially if the marriage was built upon the plan of 2 kids.