I (19M) & 3 buddies planned to visit Indiana from PA to see 7 friends who we have known for 5 years. I’ve already put in $300 for it and we have everything ready. However, this week my Mom (44) and Grandma (73) who is very dependent on my mom, started having Very High blood pressure. And my mom has Intense Chest pains. Both went to the doctors, My grandma was given more blood pressure meds and my mom found she has Very bad Anxiety. My mom had Stage 4 Cancer when I was 6 but has been in remission for 13 years. She is scared cancer can come back if her anxiety and BP don’t come down in a few months. She is asking for more help, so I said it would stay back if she wasn’t ok before she got checked by doctors. She is okay now and was just told to relax More and take it easy. After finding she is okay, I decided im gonna go. Now she is very upset that I still want to go on the trip when she needs more help and because she’s scared of my illness.
I have “Sickle cell: Beta Thalassemia”, which is genetic. My mom has always been extremely over protective, controlling and shelters me in fear of “Flair ups.” My illness has a chance to be fatal but is usually benign. Most of my time is spent inside, online or at work 5 days a week. I’m VERY limited on things I can do. Theres No swimming, No cold temps, Hot temps, contact sports, or “wild” physical activities for me. Everything I do can put me into a “Sickle Cell Crisis/fair up” so I do everything with caution.
Since 15 I’ve hated being stuck in the house feeling like its all I can do. I did my own research, talked With my doctors and found I can do a lot if I am careful. I want to travel, explore and live my own life without “Mommy holding my hand” and feeling like I need her 24/7. This is not the first trip I’ve taken out of State without her. I’ve been to Upstate New York and Atlantic City and WildWood which are all 3 hours away. I get this is the furthest I’ve been and the Situation with my grandma and mom are a bit sketchy. But I feel like they’d be fine without me for a week.
I have 3 sisters, 34, 26 and 14 who are around. The oldest have 3 kids each, so I suggested my younger sister who lives with us can help her out. The others can help when they have time. My mom is very scared of me being 8-9 hours away without her and she has been drilling me and saying “I do nothing for her” and “She does everything for us but we don’t do anything for her and she gets no help around the house or in general” after I said I want to still go. I feel shes guilt tripping and bestowing fear in me. I am a bit nervous for the trip since It’s 9hrs away but I have taken all the necessary precautions for if i do have a Flair Up down there and am very good with handling things without the need for doctors. I have all basis Covered but part of me still feels like I shouldn’t go and I’m doing something wrong…
WIBTAH?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
I (19M) & 3 buddies planned to visit Indiana from PA to see 7 friends who we have known for 5 years. I’ve already put in $300 for it and we have everything ready. However, this week my Mom (44) and Grandma (73) who is very dependent on my mom, started having Very High blood pressure. And my mom has Intense Chest pains. Both went to the doctors, My grandma was given more blood pressure meds and my mom found she has Very bad Anxiety. My mom had Stage 4 Cancer when I was 6 but has been in remission for 13 years. She is scared cancer can come back if her anxiety and BP don’t come down in a few months. She is asking for more help, so I said it would stay back if she wasn’t ok before she got checked by doctors. She is okay now and was just told to relax More and take it easy. After finding she is okay, I decided im gonna go. Now she is very upset that I still want to go on the trip when she needs more help and because she’s scared of my illness.
I have “Sickle cell: Beta Thalassemia”, which is genetic. My mom has always been extremely over protective, controlling and shelters me in fear of “Flair ups.” My illness has a chance to be fatal but is usually benign. Most of my time is spent inside, online or at work 5 days a week. I’m VERY limited on things I can do. Theres No swimming, No cold temps, Hot temps, contact sports, or “wild” physical activities for me. Everything I do can put me into a “Sickle Cell Crisis/fair up” so I do everything with caution.
Since 15 I’ve hated being stuck in the house feeling like its all I can do. I did my own research, talked With my doctors and found I can do a lot if I am careful. I want to travel, explore and live my own life without “Mommy holding my hand” and feeling like I need her 24/7. This is not the first trip I’ve taken out of State without her. I’ve been to Upstate New York and Atlantic City and WildWood which are all 3 hours away. I get this is the furthest I’ve been and the Situation with my grandma and mom are a bit sketchy. But I feel like they’d be fine without me for a week.
I have 3 sisters, 34, 26 and 14 who are around. The oldest have 3 kids each, so I suggested my younger sister who lives with us can help her out. The others can help when they have time. My mom is very scared of me being 8-9 hours away without her and she has been drilling me and saying “I do nothing for her” and “She does everything for us but we don’t do anything for her and she gets no help around the house or in general” after I said I want to still go. I feel shes guilt tripping and bestowing fear in me. I am a bit nervous for the trip since It’s 9hrs away but I have taken all the necessary precautions for if i do have a Flair Up down there and am very good with handling things without the need for doctors. I have all basis Covered but part of me still feels like I shouldn’t go and I’m doing something wrong…
WIBTAH?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mother and Grandma are having mild health issues. I have been planned a trip for 3 states away for 2 months now. My mom and Grandma have started to have high blood pressure and anxiety. I told my mom i would stay back and help if I’m needed. They were checked by a doctor and have been cleared. They’re okay but need to rest a bit. I have 3 siblings that could help aswell but my mom wants me to stay and give her help.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You have to live your life and manage your illness without your parent intervening. It is up to you to know your limitations and to manage the flair up. You need to help with your mom and GM but it does not fall solely on your shoulders. Travel is self care.
You wouldn’t be the AH. If you mom is okay and your grandma while declining is still manageable, I don’t see an issue. This would be different if one of your family members is dying, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. You’re an adult and it sounds like you’ve done the necessary research and precautions to make sure your trip goes smoothly. Mothers are always going to be protective but they do have to realize you gotta leave the nest at some point and be independent.
NTA
You’re 19, a legal adult, you can do what you like. There may be consequences (which would be unfair) if you go, so be prepared for that. But it’s unfair of your mother to hover so much. And you are right in feeling that she’s guilt tripping you, that’s exactly what she’s doing. Your doctors have cleared you, you have precautions in place if anything happens. You’re smart and prepared. I think you should have a talk with your mom at some point and really get her to see from your perspective. You’re not 5 and unaware, you’re 19 and understand your illness. Her continuing to try and shelter you and keep you home will someday make you grow resentment towards her.
NTA Your mom has your 3 sisters around who can help. She doesn’t need it to be you.
As for your illness, you’re an adult and you’ve spoken with your doctors on how to be careful. You have the right to do what you want with your life, even if it’s a little risky. Feeling nervous is understandable, since you’ve been so sheltered. But this is a chance to prove to both your mom and to yourself that you can do more and be out on your own.
Be safe and have fun!
NTA- she is a controlling helicopter parent. Say- you did a good job raising me, now you have to trust me.
NTA you mum is manipulating you. Her cancer is not going to come back from anxiety, it would come back from a health issue. You are not a counsellor or a child, it’s her anxiety on you going on a trip that she needs to learn to deal with as your an adult now.
Your grandmothers high blood pressure can be managed by medications and your not a nurse so you aren’t going to help by being there.
Your mum is making excuses for you not to go, learn to ignore it and start living your life
Due to your illness you will live a somewhat limited life. Don’t let her limit it further. Start living it as much as your body will allow!
Your mom is nuts and she is using health to control you. Her anxiety rose at the thought of you taking this trip, it stabilized when she assumed you’d stay home, and now it’s escalating again. Your mom is not your responsibility to manage. There are others around to assist as needed and even if there weren’t, you deserve your own life. Go on this trip and then come home and make a plan to center your life on you, because nobody else will. NTA
NTA. Anxiety or high blood pressure don’t cause cancer to come back. You do a lot and you have your own health issues.
NTA
NTA. Go and enjoy your trip. She has your siblings to help her if she really needs it while you’re away. Right now, her anxiety is talking, you can’t let her anxiety hold you back any further.
Please take your trip. Also, please keep in contact with your sisters and your mom, so they all know you are safe. Set up a time or two each day for you to text or call your mom, so you can give her a brief update on what you are going to be doing each day and then again later to let her know all is well. It may seem like overkill, but if you can limit her to 2 times a day, that will be progress, I promise you.
Go live your life! Millions of people have high blood pressure and anxiety. She’s just trying to make you feel sorry for her and your grandma. Why isn’t she asking your siblings for help? Tune her out and have a fun trip!
NTA for wanting to visit friends. Your mom is scared and feels she can’t handle no more should something happen . That’s her anxiety talking . You should be fine but check in periodically. The rest of the family can step up and assist while you’re away.
NTA!! Go on your trip!! As other commenters have said, your mother is being manipulative.
I too have a weird disease, that could flair up anytime and land me in the hospital, but I’ll be damned if I let that hold me back. I’m 31 now, but I moved out when I was your age. I’ve traveled to dozens of states and countries (some of them by myself!). I’ve played sports, gotten tattoos, even injured myself a time or two! And life goes on, you just gotta learn how to manage it with your illness- and that’s up to YOU, not mommy 🙂
NTA – your mom needs to figure out how to address her anxiety through something other than controlling you. Go live your life
NTA. Not to sound insensitive to all the illness but YOLO.
There are doctors in Indiana too, NTA. Go see your friends. Life is too short
NTA, you have to live. Spending your entire life avoiding dying moreso than necessary is especially cruel when you move that have less time than most.
NTA. I’m the mother of two adult kids. I absolutely would not want my kids to miss a planned trip unless my health was at serious and verifiable risk. I think your mom is being unnecessarily dramatic about this.
NTA. If you don’t go on this trip, you are never going to be able to function as an independent adult because he will be proving to your mother that you can be easily manipulated by her anytime she wants. It was one thing to do this when you were a child, or quite another for her to do it when you are adult. This is really a test for yourself. Are you prepared to be a man or will you always be a scared child? The choice is yours.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! You are entitled to live your life and enjoy it. As long as you’re feeling well enough to travel, do it.
Your mother is clinging to you, she will only be happy if you stay in the same room with her 24-7-365. In the old days they used to call this being “tied to her apron strings”. Go on the trip.
If something awful happens to anyone while you are gone, then you will deal with it.
Chances are everything will be just fine. Your mother is being controlling, she is actively using guilt to keep you close to her.
Sure she’s going to be anxious and worry about you, but if you let her continue this way, you will never go anywhere without her.
I know someone who has let her mother do this sort of thing. When she was in her 30’s the cardiologist said her mother could die of a heart problem any day. Friend put off travel and experiences thinking she will do them after her mother is gone. Friend is 65 now, her mother is 92 and is in great shape. Friend likely will never get to go to the places she dreamed of going. Don’t be like that
Go, have fun, do things. Be careful to do what your doctor said, but don’t let your mother’s worries hold you down.
NTA. You are an adult with a chronic illness and a helicopter parent. Anytime you stretch out beyond her comfort zone is going to result in some sort of created/imagined crisis to manipulate you. Know this and do the things anyway. She may or may not adjust, but that is her journey, not yours. If you’re feeling spicy, point out that her behaviour is stressful and more likely to cause a sickle crisis than a short road trip with mates (or other activity).
I sense that your mother isn’t essentially malicious but she is disordered- there are much better ways to raise a child with a disability than warehousing them- including how to assess and manage risk- which you’ve had to figure out on your own: it’s admirable that you are taking these steps and are planning on living a full life, safely. No doubt her own experience and trauma from serious illness has clouded her judgement but the worst thing you can do is to continue to accommodate it- the resentment you’ll grow will sour your relationship with her and limit your quality of life.
NTA. It sounds like saying “Very Bad Anxiety” is maybe an understatement about your mum’s condition. I am a mother myself, and my children have chronic illnesses too, so I understand the need to worry about you and what will happen to you out in the world. However, you’re an adult and if she has done her job properly as you were growing up she should be confident that you are well educated about your own condition and you know what precautions you need to take to remain safe. And.. even if you know all that and chose not to, it’s still your choice to make now, not hers.
Cancer is unlikely to return after 13 years in remission. If she were to get cancer again, it most likely would be an entirely separate cancer – and it absolutely, definitely is NOT caused by uncontrolled anxiety and blood pressure. Her doctor should have prescribed lifestyle changes and/or medication to help with the BP and therapy, possibly with the support of medication for the anxiety. Nothing that you do or do not do is going to cause either of those things to get worse. This anxiety is an out of control manifestation of a normal psychological process, the cause of it is inside, not outside. You could be literally staying inside wrapped in cotton and your mother would still be anxious, because it is an illness, not a response to your behaviour.
You are not the only person that can help with the care of your grandmother. It sounds like you do contribute much of the time. It’s ok to take some time to do things for yourself as well. It’s HEALTHY to take time to do things for yourself. Maybe after your own trip, you and your siblings could collaborate on how to make something like that happen for your mum? It might go some way to helping to ease the burden she feels being the caregiver for her mother. It’s not going to cure the extreme anxiety, but it certainly can help with the management.
NTA – you absolutely should go on your trip
NTA. I just had this conversation with my Life Group mentor. Yes, we make sacrifices for our loved ones and we should always do our best to honor our parents but we have to pour into our own cups in order to be able to do for others. Take your vacation, guilt free and do something for yourself. If we always wait for others to be okay before we take action in life, we’d never do anything.
YWNBTA
Get some distance between yourself and your needy mom.
NTA. Cancer is not caused by anxiety. If that were the case we’d be doomed as a species 😂. You are not your moms only option for support to help her make arrangements for additional help with Grandma while you’re away
NTA. Look into enmeshment – unfortunately it seems like what you’re experiencing with your mom given her lack of boundaries and the way she treats you. You deserve to be able to take a trip on your own, without fear of consequences.
Tell her you packed plenty of diapers and prefilled bottles of formula so you’ll be fine. Because she is treating you like a baby even though you are a fully grown man.
She definitely is trying to manipulate you; it sounds like you are her only son and she desperately wants you to remain her baby boy for the rest of her life. This might be great for her but it will ruin your life so don’t let it happen.
Have you ever had a serious relationship with a member of the interesting sex? Because if she won’t let you go to Indiana then I am curious as to what other grown-up things are off-limits to you. Overprotective mothers like her will often interfere with their sons’ romantic relationships, and do everything they can to maintain their position as the number one love in their sons’ lives. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. You will have to learn to draw and enforce healthy boundaries and this trip is a good place to start.
Oh, and most importantly of all: have a great time in Indiana!
YWNBTA
NTA – Go and have fun. Time for other family members to step up. You’ve been sheltered your whole life and deserve to actually live. Your doctor said it was fine.
NTA, you don’t say how long a trip it is, but I’m assuming a week or less. Live your life, don’t let your mom guilt you into not going on your trip. She has plenty of people around to help out.
There will come a time when someone needs you asap, and it will be obvious. From what you say here, this is not that yet.
Go on that trippp!!! Youre mother and grandmother are not your responsibility, if she is fine then go. Dont feel bad about living your life. Regardless of sickle cell. If you decide to stay youll regret it. Youll end up depressed from never going out and doing anything and always being inside. Dont let anything hold you back from living. Ik it sounds cliche but ive been in this situation, not with a condition, but with the people around me and past ex’s not being able to live and have freedom and experience the world. Its depressing, you learn what you can and cant do going out with sickle cell, dont be afraid. Be cautious and be prepared. But fucking live.
NTA. You’re being emotionally blackmailed. She has your sisters who can step up for a measly week and you deserve a break
NTA Stop letting her control you. I am a mom of a kid with a cardiac condition. Every day I sent him to school I was aware something could happen for years. I know that fear. He is about your age now, and my thought has always been that I never want to stop him from experiencing as much life as possible. I want him to truly have lived, because there was a chance it would be a shorter life. He is OK now, his condition stabilized. But I knew that was the way even when he was small. Life is not worth much if you spend it as a prisoner to her fears.
NTA. Go on a trip!
NTA, you are not born to be your mother’s emotional support animal.
I also have stuff keeping me inside the house for a very long time.
Well I did a lot of traveling in my younger years I would tell you to do all the things now!
Don’t waste another day, go with your friends have fun but be safe.
It only gets harder as you get older so go now. And keep making plans and keep going and don’t stop
If you were the only child then that would be a problem but you have other siblings that can cover for you. Your mother is guilt tripping you, simple as that.
When I was taking care of my parents, my siblings though all out of state flew in as much of possible to help lighten the load on me so I see why not your sisters can’t help you here.
NTA