I 31(F) have an 8yr old boy. My ex (we’ll call him Jack) cheated on me basically our entire relationship & our relationship at the time was very toxic; lots of verbal & emotional abuse. Eventually he kicked me out of the apartment we rented from his parents which was about 5yrs ago now. I have joint custody with Jack. I have my son half of Sunday-Thursday morning and my son goes to his dad’s house/grandparents’ house Thursday night-half of Sunday. On my days, I do all the pick-ups & drop offs to/from school, I do the homework and any therapy appts or other doctors and dentist visits that are needed on a weekly basis or yearly checkups. I inform my sons dad of all appts and sometimes ask him to help or come to support my son for his therapy but sadly he does not make it about 98% of the time. He claims he has to work or needs sleep or he’s not home or forgot about the appt because I didn’t remind him again. In addition, Jack has never participated in 1 school meeting; as my son has an IEP.
When son goes over Jack’s/his grandparents’ house, it’s Jack’s sister who does the homework on Thursdays and Jacks parents who cloth, bath and feed my son. Currently my son and I live an apartment with 2 cats which is very small. I’ve been with my current company for 3yrs. Since I do majority of the pick-ups & drop offs to school, I often go into work late & have to leave early so I make it on time for my son. My job graciously lets me WFH as needed to ensure I my 40hrs a week/not blow thru my PTO. This also helps so I am able to take my son to all of his appts (my son struggles with anxiety and a GI problem; hard to go number2) so he often has “accidents” which he cannot always control & my son struggles to sleep on his own at night. My son & I always talk about our dream home & I am finally in a position to buy an affordable home and I have an opportunity to grow within my company but the position is at our other location; not mention buying a home close to that location is a cheaper than the current state we live in. My son always asks for a yard to play in and to invite friends over and the whole 9 yards of being in a home VS an apartment.
Jack has threatened to take me to court saying it’s not fair to him or his parents for me to “take my son away from his family” even though I proposed 3 different schedules for visitation. 1. The summer we can share every other week (7 days each). 2. When my son goes back to school, my son stays with me Sunday-Friday, Jack or his parents pick my son up from school Friday-stays until Sunday afternoon & school vacations my son can stay with them the whole week (we would meet half way for drop offs so no one has to drive the full hr from each state). 3. My son stays with me all week/every other weekend & they get visitation every other weekend & still have school vacations. None of them liked any of these schedules and just quoted how “my son needs family”. So, WIBTA if I move 1hr away? Advice from a lawyer would be extremely appreciated!
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I 31(F) have an 8yr old boy. My ex (we’ll call him Jack) cheated on me basically our entire relationship & our relationship at the time was very toxic; lots of verbal & emotional abuse. Eventually he kicked me out of the apartment we rented from his parents which was about 5yrs ago now. I have joint custody with Jack. I have my son half of Sunday-Thursday morning and my son goes to his dad’s house/grandparents’ house Thursday night-half of Sunday. On my days, I do all the pick-ups & drop offs to/from school, I do the homework and any therapy appts or other doctors and dentist visits that are needed on a weekly basis or yearly checkups. I inform my sons dad of all appts and sometimes ask him to help or come to support my son for his therapy but sadly he does not make it about 98% of the time. He claims he has to work or needs sleep or he’s not home or forgot about the appt because I didn’t remind him again. In addition, Jack has never participated in 1 school meeting; as my son has an IEP. When son goes over Jack’s/his grandparents’ house, it’s Jack’s sister who does the homework on Thursdays and Jacks parents who cloth, bath and feed my son. Currently my son and I live an apartment with 2 cats which is very small. I’ve been with my current company for 3yrs. Since I do majority of the pick-ups & drop offs to school, I often go into work late & have to leave early so I make it on time for my son. My job graciously lets me WFH as needed to ensure I my 40hrs a week/not blow thru my PTO. This also helps so I am able to take my son to all of his appts (my son struggles with anxiety and a GI problem; hard to go number2) so he often has “accidents” which he cannot always control & my son struggles to sleep on his own at night. My son & I always talk about our dream home & I am finally in a position to buy an affordable home and I have an opportunity to grow within my company but the position is at our other location; not mention buying a home close to that location is a cheaper than the current state we live in. My son always asks for a yard to play in and to invite friends over and the whole 9 yards of being in a home VS an apartment. Jack has threatened to take me to court saying it’s not fair to him or his parents for me to “take my son away from his family” even though I proposed 3 different schedules for visitation. 1. The summer we can share every other week (7 days each). 2. When my son goes back to school, my son stays with me Sunday-Friday, Jack or his parents pick my son up from school Friday-stays until Sunday afternoon & school vacations my son can stay with them the whole week (we would meet half way for drop offs so no one has to drive the full hr from each state). 3. My son stays with me all week/every other weekend & they get visitation every other weekend & still have school vacations. None of them liked any of these schedules and just quoted how “my son needs family”. So, WIBTA if I move 1hr away? Advice from a lawyer would be extremely appreciated!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am planning to move 1 hour away from my current state for a job opportunity and housing opportunity but I share joint custody with my child’s father. His side of the family think I am an asshole for moving 1 hour away but I don’t think so considering I take care of my son majority of the time.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Your legal judgment should have guidance about relocating without the other parent’s agreement.
NTA because it sounds like your ex isn’t even very present in his son’s life.
BUT this is a legal matter and your child custody arrangement should be looked at and go back to court to change it if you want to proceed with this. I suspect that a large part of this is he might not want to pay more child support (not sure if either of you are paying right now) because you would have him the majority of the time. Try to suss out if that’s actually the issue and if you’re willing to consider letting him off the hook for that in order to get him to agree to the move and the new time schedule.
I think considering he has never been to one school meeting, doesn’t go to appointments, needs YOU (the ex) to constantly remind him (phone calendars exist…), his sister helps with the homework and grandparents do the rest…this guy isn’t fighting for his kid, he’s fighting you.
Info: Have you discussed a move (even in general terms), with your son?
Additionally, typically if you have a custody agreement either it will tell you how far away you’re allowed to move or you have to get permission from the other parent to move or get a court to modify the custody agreement to allow you to do so. Did you have a lawyer draw up the agreement? Do you have a family lawyer you can review this with?
this is a question for r/legaladvice
If you want a lawyer’s advice, you should contact a lawyer from your area. Laws vary from place to place, and some person on the internet who says they are a lawyer may not know your local laws.
I think you probably do need a lawyer because it sounds like this is headed for a custody dispute. NTA for moving an hour away – you’re not going to the other side of the world, or even of the country.
INFO: Is this question answered in your custody agreement? Have you asked your attorney about it?
TALK TO A LAWYER. This isn’t AITA post, this is a legal dispute and you are in need of legal advice. If your ex, who is not the custodial parent, is threatening legal action, you need to do a consultation with a lawyer at minimum.
NTA – but please, don’t take the comments here as gospel to do whatever you want.
NTA – Definitely, see a lawyer. You are still allowing his relatives access to your son.
Lawyers are also good at giving advice on how to prove that your ex is a dead beat Dad. A good record like that will give him less to fight you with in court and/or might make him back off altogether. Start texting & emailing conversations with him rather than doing it verbally. Keep all electronic conversations.
I’m not a lawyer, but legally speaking, unless your custody agreement specifically says you can’t move, you have the right to relocate, especially since it’s only an hour away. Courts usually focus on what’s best for the child, and you’ve been doing most of the care, including appointments and school. You even offered fair visitation schedules to keep the dad involved. If the move helps provide a better home for your son, it’s unlikely a court would see you as being unfair, especially when you’re not cutting off contact with his dad.
NTA, as soon as I saw ‘IEP’ and that your ex had never been to any of the meetings. Both parents need to know how best to help a non-typical kid at home. Whether it’s homework or emotional or anything else. Both need to be in the know.
I understand his family may want to be more involved but you seem to have mapped out the logistics in pretty great detail so they can see him. If you’re not moving out of state and can plan the logistics, I hope the ex doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on.
Perhaps NTA in terms of he did you dirty and it arguably could be better for the kid.
But legally, you’re in for quite a bumpy road. In many cases you’ll be restricted to at least the same county in which the child and relationship were conceived. It’s doubtful this goes your way.
NTA for wanting to move, just gonna add to the chorus of saying what you need is a lawyer, not AITA.
If you just have no idea where to begin, check here https://www.usa.gov/legal-aid . Not all legal aid is free (depends on your income) and not all legal aid offices do family law. But they may at least be able to point you in the direction of someone who can help.
NTA. Interesting that once you want to move farther away he says he needs his family. It seems like he hasn’t been there for his kid but his family has so it’s probably his mom making him do it. I don’t get why they can’t drive 30 minutes to pick him up every weekend. Definitely get yourself a lawyer. You might have to file in both states but not a lawyer.
You should also check your state/local custody rules. My ex and I coparent pretty easily so we didn’t put a lot of stuff in writing, but in our state there are rules about how far away from him I can live without having to go back to court. Here, I would have to go to court and renegotiate things if I move more than 99 miles away (I haven’t looked in a while since neither of us have really cared to move far away but this was what it was last time I looked lol). You may have something like that? And like everyone else I strongly suggest seeking legal advice. But also if your agreement is based on the amount of time each parent gets, then as long as you’re sticking to that and you don’t have any other state or local laws in the way, you should be fine?
My husband and I actually did something very similar. He got a job that was really good, and we had to move out of state. We modified our custody agreement with our oldest biological dad and got the all clear before moving. It was no big deal. Just prove to the court that it will allow you as the custodial parent to better provide financially for your son. It will also benefit you to hire a lawyer. The paperwork was expensive. It cost us $1500. It was worth it in the end though.
NTA. It seems to me the second schedule gives the almost the same amount of time, if not more, than they have now. And the distance is only an hour. I suggest a consultation with however many family law attorneys you have available to try for a consensus about how likely it would be that your ex and his family could get your visitation changed and anything about grandparents’ rights in your state. the local family law lawyers have a read on how the family court judge is likely to lean because they’ve probably experienced multiple cases with the judges. Then, you can at least make an informed decision about whether to roll the dice and let your 3x take you to court. Another consideration: Could he afford the legal fees?
I’m struggling to see how an hour travel time would effect the original visitations?
You need to make this move though.
I’d get a lawyer.