Hi!
I’m looking for any kind of advice since I’m feeling pretty lost. I’ve had a very weird life up until now. A mix of very lucky things and awfully unlucky things.
My mother had very intense mental health issues while I was growing up (depression with episode of psychosis).
Then I met my husband at 18 and I got pregnant at 21. We kept the baby and moved to my in laws for free while we finished school and saved for a home (very lucky).
My son was borned with a partial paralysis of the left arm. He had appointments every weeks, surgeries and such. I feel like the guilt started then. Everytime I would skip his exercises or do less the ideal instagram mom (which was often because I did not enjoy motherhood, even if I love my son very much).
My husband was a great father but average partner. We met so young and we had a hard time meeting each other’s needs (or even figuring it out what they were). But we were best friends and had the same values of we stayed together.
I went to law school. My husband was a feminist and so happy that I would be the main breadwinner while he enjoyed fatherhood so much. We decided to have another kid before I had to pass the bar and start my career.
We bought a home and moved. I started working and we honestly had our best few months. We were finally in our home, with 2 jobs and some free time.
But then my husband was diagnosed with stomach cancer. He had a remission period but essentially was sick for 4 years. In those 4 years, I went to most appointments, supported him and we found out our youngest was high need non verbal autistic.
Then he died.
Now it’s been 3 years and I feel lost. I’ve pretty much numbed myself to survive being a single mom for the last 3 years. Essentially social media doomscrolling, tv shows, food. I have so much help from friends and family and still have some insurance money left, so I feel so guilty. I just took a leave from workout for being burned out. I’m in therapy and its helping some, but I want real life experience of people who can relate.
I feel guilty for not doing more, for not finding a calling, for not living 110% or live the life my husband would have wanted. I feel guilty for complaining of my relatively easy job. I feel guilty of not doing something important with my degree. I feel guilty of not helping out society more. I’m scared I’ll feel like that forever. I try to shake that idea of “making a difference”, I tell myself it’s ego or just my brain trying to run away from my life again in another way (focusing on other peoples problems)… But then I tell myself I’m just a privileged person in a first world country complaining of my “cushy” life š¬š¤¦š¼āāļø
Any advices?
(English is my second language, sorry for any mistakes)
Comments
You have sooo much on your plate. Iām not surprised youāre burned. A death. A death of hope and dreams. A death of health and happiness.
You need to find special care for your son. Respite care for you. You can not beat yourself up for wanting to do more. Some one must be in your ear. That you can do more. You canāt. You just canāt.
A special needs child just sucks it out of you. The constant worry about everything. Ask me how I know.
You need to learn to set boundaries and the hardest thing to do. Your journey will be to find a safe place for him. Because this canāt be your life forever.
Youāll always love him. But surprisingly enough. Once they have a safe place. They often do better because a set routine by workers allows them to feel safe instead of a variety of caregivers. Donāt let them guilt you. Especially with what you said his level is.
My God you have set such high bars for yourself.
Pick 1000 random people: none will have accomplished the expectations you have laid out for yourself, even if they aren’t widowed with two special needs kids.
Stick with the therapy. Try to figure out what from your childhood has led you to feel like you are a failure if you are not living the kind of life they make movies from. And then work on repairing the trauma that fuels these needs. (If your current therapist can’t get you there, considering switching therapists. Like any relationship, not every therapist and every client is a good fit for one another.)
Because seriously, any day you meet the kids’ basic needs and your own is meeting minimal requirements for success. If a lot of days you can manage to make them and/or yourself happy on top of that, that’s a good life.
Everything above and beyond that is a nice-to-have, not a requirement. I hope therapy allows you to internalize that fact.
And echoing u/desert_dame’s words, it’s okay if you need help to give your kids what they need. That’s why such help is made available to parents in your situation. The goal is to make sure they get what they need, not that YOU personally be the one to give it.
Iām so sorry.
Iām wondering – is it possible this is a negative feedback loop? You use guilt as an excuse to do things that then make you feel guilty? Like you somehow rationalize it because you feel bad about yourself for doing it?
I used to be more like that but now I donāt really feel guilty. It wasnāt easy to get into this mindset – I had to practice for a while and Iām not even sure itās that healthy but it really helps me to think it doesnāt much matter what kind of mood Iām in, Iām either taking action or Iām not.
Donāt get me wrong, Iām not saying itās bad to doomscroll or eat or watch TV – I am just suggesting perhaps you reframe it as you canāt do it if youāre not going to enjoy it? I give myself little rules like that.
This is something I notice frequently, people spinning out in your last full paragraph – in my amateur opinion itās general anxiety – your brain is trying to put a container around general anxiety.
There are lots and lots of tools for managing general anxiety – does your therapist give you any?
I donāt think the comparison game is helpful. Yeah I know itās an obvious thing to say and easier said than done and part of me wants to reassure you your life comparatively looks like a struggle but to what end?
My suggestion is to read up on your temperament and then figure out some things you can do to start feeling better. More specific things I do probably wonāt work for you, we probably have very different temperaments.
I suggest the book āthe four tendenciesā by Gretchen Rubin and then Atomic Habits to help you create a plan – with a plan maybe your brain will spin out less.
Iām very sorry for your loss.
My advice is to try not to dwell on the past. There’s literally nothing you can do about it or to change it. It sort of is what it is. Try to do better in the future.
Focus on today, tomorrow, and the next day, etc. Every day is a new opportunity to start fresh and do better than the day before. That’s how I look at it.
Every day you wake up, you literally get another chance. I would get off social media, too. Most of what you see isn’t real.
Maybe there’s a support group you can join and connect with people who have similar experiences?
Please stop feeling guilty. I think youāre feeling this way bc you donāt have the support of people going through the same. When you know others have lives similar to yours, you start to feel ānormal.ā
I was lost for two years after my dad died. Getting over it is not the goal. You build a life that includes your grief. Yes it will likely decrease, but it can raise its ugly head at the most unlikely moments. Rhubarb always does me in (my dad grew rhubarb in his garden and I always made rhubarb crisp for him).
I am so sorry your life is overwhelming, but I do not think you have third world problems or a cushy life. Everyone needs support for problems, but little is available in third world countries. Itās not always the problem, itās often lack of resources to solve the problem. You have resources. You deserve them. You deserve to have a good enough life.
ETA these are resources in the US. You may not live in the US and resources may fall under a different name.
You are very young, only 34. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I was in a cult from the age of 18 until 35 and I accomplished absolutely nothing, a lot less than nothing in fact. Now I am 64 and feel pretty fine! Take care of your kids and look for ways to grow professionally one day at a time, starting slowly. Learn something too because that always helps the mood.
Anyone else in your position would have done 1000 times worse. Easy to see perfect Instagram mums that with 12 hours a week, have a rich partner, a child with no health issues, an extended family that looks after the kid a lot too.
You’ve actually done incredibly well.
I don’t have kids and never been married so I can’t relate but check out the National Disability Rights Network or your state Protection & Advocacy (or sometimes called (sure name)Disability Rights organization and see if they have any jobs where you can use your degree. They have lawyers on staff who help the disabled when their rights are being trampled on. I work for one in a different role but the attorney’s at my agency really care about their people and do great things.
OP, my condolences on the loss of your husband. I lost my husband 10 years ago and felt tremendous survivors guilt. Guilt for not doing more to save him (I couldnāt, he had a massive stroke), for how I may have treated him while we were married, and for still being alive. I also used to feel like I should be doing more in the world . I felt this way until it dawned on me that I had absolutely no control over what happened and that I was doing something good in the world – finishing raising up our two boys, achieving our dream of sending both to college and seeing both stand on their own two feet. You have so much going on at your young age. Itās great that you are going to therapy. A grief support group may also help (griefshare made such difference for me. You are surrounded by people of all walks of life who truly get it). Guilt serves no purpose but to drag you down plus if social media is hindering you, it might be time to slowly reduce your screen time (I had to do this even with Reddit, someone negativity got me down). You do have purpose and a job – caring for and raising up your children. Donāt rush your grief process but do seek the support you need to keep living your life in a productive way. God Bless you and your children. I truly wish you the best.ā¤ļø
The Instagram moms are all fake. Look at Ruby Franke. She put forth this perfect life on social media. Meanwhile, she was literally tying her kids up and starving them when she wasn’t subjecting them to be her employees on camera.
So, the first suggestion is to give up thinking anything you see on social media has any basis in reality. The people who post about how great and happy they are all the time are the most miserable.
Second, you’ve done a ton more than me, and I have a decade on you. I dont feel like a failure. I have a life that is comfortable and while I can’t just go out and buy whatever I want when I want it, I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a husband that loves me. That’s all I need!
Lastly, it sounds like your village has rallied around you. That’s because they love you and want you and your children to be happy (as happy as you can be after the death of your husband). Don’t feel guilty for them loving you and your kids! Be thankful you have a village.
I also have two kids with special needs and it is exhausting. I had to learn to cut myself some slack if Iām to be there for them long term. Which meansā you donāt have to do every Dr appointment recommended, you donāt have to do all the therapies all the time. You need to find an agency to get you some quality loyal respite help to do things without your children. You will not have a perfect house. You will not have a perfect career and you will make mistakes as a Mom but you will be ok. They will be ok.
I have a couple of suggestions.
I’m very sorry about all you’ve been going through. Reality has been so painful & exhausting. I certainly understand the doom scrolling & watching TV to tune out.
But you already see that tuning out does not make you feel better. Reality hurts, so how about you begin to replace the tuning out with enjoyable, personal activities.
Do you have any artistic outlets? Anything you enjoy making? If so, why not put more time into it? Concentrate on the joy & satisfaction the artistic process gives you.
Is there anything new that you’ve wanted to learn? Take a class or two.
Any events you’d like to attend? A play? Sporting event?
How about travel? It doesn’t have to be far. Even day trips in a new venue can make a big difference.
Of course your childcare needs to be covered. But increasing your time with pleasing activities will help bring more fun & joy into your life.
My other suggestion is to consider if your therapist is still actively helping you. A good therapist not only offers sympathy & support, but also pushes you to move forward. Maybe it’s time for someone new?
I’m wishing you the best.
Time to move forward. Grief appears differently for everyone. You donāt move on, you move forward, and some of that grief is the grief of loss of an imagined future. Donāt ask how I know, because I wonāt answer, but your story is not abnormal to me. Moving forward requires moving a little. Then, let the momentum carry you further. Each day, the momentum must be embraced until after many months, you wake up one day to realize that you donāt need momentum to prevent yourself from being pulled down, and you actually can live in the moment again.
Iām not old but I am older than you (47). I havenāt had your life experiences but my god your feelings! I could have written (probably did write!) many of the same feelings about being numb, insufficient. I would add a sense of life passing by and me just in a holding pattern, waiting to die.
Life will change for you . For many of us our late 30s and early 40s ends up being an intense time of growth – I think because weāve matured enough to find ways through tough times. Weāve built up the skills to work our way through the crap that life throws at us.
We also see opportunities differently and with a little luck, we are able to make opportunities for ourselves in a way that is harder when we are younger.
What I did to make it through my own burnout was just focus on little pleasures, little moments of presence. Go for a five minute walk at lunch time to see one thing that made me happy (a community garden). Take some time to just notice what is around me.
Be open to changing your goals and objectives in life. Or changing your definitions of success – both the success we have in a particular day and what we think of as a successful life. Heck, just having the conversation with yourself might shift your perspective. Be curious about yourself too – what you notice makes you feel better or less good.
A good friend once pointed out that I didnāt need to work in a āmission focussedā job, eg trying to save the world. That just doing my job, whatever that job was, in accordance with my values, had the potential to change society. If you are seeking meaning in your professional life, perhaps be curious and ask yourself if you do your job in a way that is consistent with your values. If you can and do, this might bring you some comfort. And if you canāt, then perhaps your next step is to think about what working in accordance with your values could be.
Your children are also growing and maturing, so perhaps some of your curiousity is about how you can support their independence. If your daughter is going to require support throughout her life, think about what you need to do so she can live independent of you – it will make both of your lives more healthy when the time comes.
But mostly be gentle with yourself. Be your own friend.
Do you happen to have any sport exercise that you enjoy or might enjoy? The activity can be very healing for the mind and outlook. You could take lessons even. All the best to you
I was the child of a young widow. It was very hard, for both of us. My mom was pregnant with my younger sibling and I was under two when my father was killed. She was uneducated and had a difficult time coping with parenting demands and financial realities.
So often, when she was exasperated or upset, I heard her say, “If it weren’t for you kids!” I thought that meant that if she had no kids, she would be happy, and I felt very guilty. I tried so hard to make life easier for her, and to squelch my own needs and demands to ease her burden. Not only did I love my mother very much and want her to be happy, but I also was afraid of her being so unhappy that she would leave or die of unhappiness, stupid kid that I was. I did not want to be an orphan.
Please stay in therapy and get your emotional life in order, for your own sake and for your child’s sake. Kids, even special needs ones, as was my sibling, can pick up on your unresolved grief and inner turmoil and suffer because they see you are suffering. And because every child lacks the emotional maturity to understand these complex adult issues, they will develop distorted, self-referential ideas and feelings about your distress.
You needn’t raise this child. There is no shame in admitting that you don’t have the capacity to train, nurture and shepherd your child to be the most well-adjusted and self-actualized person that they could be. On the contrary, a woman who strives to martyr herself for the sake of parenthood destroys two lives.
Please give yourself permission to consider that you have choices other than to remain a parent, or to be a constant, overwhelmed caregiver.
You are making a difference. You are raising two kids on your own. The fact they are special needs means your being there for them is really important. Stop being so hard on yourself. Take one day at a time. Try finding one thing that you enjoy and do that on a regular basis. It could reading, crafting, hiking, gardening anything that you do for you .
r/widowers can help. Your whole world was crushed. You can’t expect to live the same as you did before. Give yourself all the grace and seek therapy or at least a group to help you cope.
We all have limits on our empathy. I have an autistic non verbal child too.
Grief is a funny thing and has no time limit. Iād recommend grief counseling. It will help you sort things out and see more clearly.
Your issues are no less real because you live with a decent financial situation. You sound as though you need a more intensive counseling program to help you would through the struggles you face. You can adore your children and still not be cut out for being a full time parent to special needs children. Itās not laziness or self entitlement. Itās accepting your strengths and weaknesses and getting the help you need to get shit done. Go back to work and hire help. Save your insurance money for a rainy day because, as you know, it will rain.