Wife and I are doing shared custody, trying to keep things civil but it’s hard. He only wants his mom. Every time he’s dropped off to me, he cries. Every time I try to comfort him, he asks for her. I feel like I can’t do anything right.
I ask him what’s wrong he says “I want mommy”, “mommy hugs”, “mommy food”. It’s as if I wasn’t there pre-divorce even though I was present. We had a normal bond before this.
Things are hard between us right now and not amicable but I know she doesn’t badmouth me around and she’s a good mom but I’m really struggling.
I try to plan fun things. I keep a consistent routine. But I feel invisible. He constantly asks why he can’t be with her instead.
I know he’s a kid and confused. But it feels personal. I come home from work and try to be present, patient and it’s like I’m just not enough.
What can I do to make him more comfortable when he’s with me? I let him talk to his mom when he’s upset but try my best to comfort him too. His younger sister is nearly 2 and here too.
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I’m sure when you say routine you mean that he remains on the exact routine he’s on with mom. That’s a priority. Kids are weird at 4 and that’s prime “mom” time. I’d ask her about songs or books or something. Something to carry over to your house. Heck. Paint his room the same as it is at mom’s.
That said, don’t shy away from something he can consistently look forward to with you. “First time home” snacks are a great move and worked with my buddy and his kid. Activities too but those can sometimes be hard to keep low pressure. Legos and nature walks or whatever. I was partial to seeing waterfalls when I was little.
Mom food and mom hugs are tough. Just remember it’s cause at his age mom stuff is his emotional anchor. All you can do is be empathetic and let him know he’s safe. Keep it warm, keep it patient, keep it pleasant. You’re gonna want to eventually have him tough it out. Don’t give into that desire. You have to overcome some discomfort mom doesn’t have to deal with. So you have to be double pleasant.
But biggest thing? If this goes for more than a couple months you should consider therapy. Transitions are tough but kids should be able to adjust. If they can’t, you may need help. And so might he.
He doesn’t want “mommy”. He wants his life to be as it was before, but he’s too young to know how to express that.
Don’t take it personal. Your son is a young kid mourning the life that he used to have, and he’s too young to have the emotional tools to deal with so many changes and losing the only life he ever knew. You need to be patient, keep offering support, hugs, fun things to do. Talk to him and tell him how much you love him.
If nothing changes, you might want to look into therapy for him, to help him process all those changes.
How long have you been separated? Has this been going on the entire time?
He’s 4. It’s going to take time. He had zero say in this upheaval and is feeling some big feelings.
I was in his shoes once and for awhile felt miserable no matter what. I either had Mom or Dad and it sucked! But over time it sucked less and became the norm and I have great relationships with my parents and have a lovely life. So please don’t despair that this is how it will be forever.
Have you asked your ex if he asks for you when he’s with her?
What’s the shared custody split? What’s the living situation at your place versus hers?