We’ve been married 3.5 years. I’m short it has been a volatile marriage with frequent fights but we stuck together because for some reason we couldn’t separate. We did have casual conversations about kids and I had always expressed that I’m not in favour due to various reasons like finances, career, dreams to pursue etc. We always had a small argument and then it fizzled out.
Suddenly this week she is speaking about this again but it’s getting crazy. Today when I started explaining why I’m against it she got extremely angry and said that we should separate, she didn’t mean it though because when I said ok (after multiple discussions) she said she wants to kill herself because she doesn’t want to go back home as a burden to her mom (her dad passed away), then she added that I’m cruel, evil and selfish for denying her a child when I’ve married her and she is already 34. In short, she screamed, cried and said she will kill herself if I don’t agree. I texted her mom for help but my wife convinced her that it’s nothing to worry about. Because I got shit scared, I just consoled her and said that let me think about it.
She then said that I have time till Saturday, when I can give her a yes/no (only a yes or no) because she doesn’t have the energy to go into a discussion. If it’s a yes, she will discuss with me how we can both pursue what we want but if it’s a no, it’s a divorce. However, from what happened today I know for sure that if I say no she’ll threaten to kill herself again. I’m shit scared and I don’t know what to do.
I think she knows that under pressure I’ll give up and agree to her wishes. But I don’t want to take the risk of her hurting herself.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Your spouse is having a serious mental breakdown and threatening suicide. The ONLY thing to do is talk to doctors and make a hospitalization plan. This may need to happen against her will.
you know this is deeply toxic right?
IME (which is nontrivial) these kinds of suicide threats are emotional terrorism designed to manipulate
abandon any hope in the relationship–its broken. get surgical and get a lawyer–you know what you have to do
Jesus Christ. What a sad story. Leave her, it would be best for both of you. She’d be ok.
Time to call whatever mental health emergency service is available where you live. She needs professional help ASAP.
Bro divorce her quickly, she will never let this go. She is abusing you by threatening suicide. She sounds miserable to be around.
If your wife is this emotionally unstable, she certainly shouldn’t be having a child and you should be encouraging her to get professional help. That said, as a woman in my late 30’s, a lot of this is likely driven by her hormones and biological clock getting loud. I am childfree by choice and even I started having a lot of big emotions around my lack of kids around her age. It has mostly passed now a few years later.
Be honest with her. Tell her you just don’t feel like it is a good idea/time and that her heightened emotions, ultimatums, and suicidal threats make it seem like it’s an even worse time. If it means she divorces you, honestly… you’re dodging a bullet. You do not want to have a child with someone who is desperate enough to blow up their whole life for it.
Call an ambulance the minute she says this. But you can still divorce
Whenever someone threatens suicide you call 911 and get them help. You can not help her. Only a professional can help her. This relationship, based on what you posted is toxic as heck. You need to leave and get somewhere safe. Whatever she chooses to do next is up to her but in no way should a child be brought into this relationship.
Obviously a suicide threat is serious, but if she’s only bringing out that line to keep you from leaving, it’s emotional manipulation because most decent people would do anything to prevent that from happening.
Has she shown signs of either depression or suicidal tendencies before? Or shown signs of coersion or manipulative behaviour before? If yes to the first one, get her professional help before leaving and let everyone know what’s going on. If yes to the second one, leave and don’t look back no matter how much of a scene she might make.
For what it’s worth, my childhood best friend threatened suicide literally dozens of times and when I finally left literally nothing happened. They are doing terribly but not worse than they were when I was in their life, the only difference is now they aren’t dragging me down with them. You staying is NOT going to make your wife better. You CANNOT fix this. She needs medical help and probably a fresh start. Please take care of yourself
Next time she threatens to hurt herself, call emergency services to come and evaluate her. They can decide if she needs to be hospitalized. Even if you think she’s bluffing, call them and let them deal with her. You need to get out of living with her immediately. Do you have friends or family you could stay with while you sort out of a new place to live, and to help you pack your stuff quickly?
If she really wanted to kill herself, she wouldn’t give you enough warning to stop her. What she wants is to force you to do what she wants because you actually give a shit about her well-being and happiness, whereas she’s fine with you being miserable as long as she wins. Like everyone else is saying, make it clear that if she threatens herself, you’re going to escalate that to people who are equipped to deal with that kind of thing, and take steps to get out so you’re not at the mercy of these kind of ultimatums.
You are NOT responsible for her actions. You can separate, you CHOSE not to. Read those again. If she threatens SI, you can call the police and they can come out and put her on a 5150 hold if you are in the USA. Do not have children with her. Children should not be suffering what you are going through (they will and it will permanently damage them) and it would be cruel to subject them to her behavior because you couldn’t say no. If she is put on a 5150, talk to an attorney and file for divorce. You two are not on the same page. .
First, your wife is in a mental health crisis. Record conversations moving forward. If she says she’s going to kill herself, and you have it recorded, call 911 without her knowledge. They will commit her without her consent, but she needs help. She needs help now. You can even lead with “I’m concerned about you saying you’ll kill yourself if we don’t have children”. If she says she means it, then you can move forward and call for help. Just tell her you’ll think about it, go to the next room, and text 911 if you have it in your area or call.
Second, you absolutely will not bring a child into this world with her. Your child deserves better than a mother with this much instability. She could head into postpartum depression and be a danger to the baby. Babies are killed my unstable mothers – not all, but enough that you shouldn’t even consider giving up on not having a child. You need to be responsible.
Third, you need to leave this marriage. Her using suicide to manipulate you is abhorrent. You need to remove yourself from that toxicity. Remove yourself, contact a lawyer, and file for divorce. Block her on every platform and let your lawyer deal with her lawyer.
I’d leave immediately and make a paper trail. Message her mother multiple times about how your wife is talking about suicide do a wellness call on her while you’re at work etc. make a paper trail to cover yourself. I would leave the house for a while imagine she snaps and does a murder suicide. No there’s no negotiations with crazy people and do not let that crazy person raise your kid
Someone who is threatening suicide if she doesn’t get her way is in no position to become a mother. So the only acceptable and healthy answer to that ultimatum is no. This is a toxic relationship that needs to end.
The police and psychiatrists can admit so when she threatens call 911 and state she has now twice threatened to kill herself. As a mental health and addiction specialist I can do the test for it. ** disclaimer I am only stating this info for you to better understand. Not saying g you should use this in any discussions with her. It’s just for educational purposes.
Basically does she have motive. In case yes thinks her husband won’t give her kids even though discussed prior to marriage. Does she have a plan? Does she have a weapon? Any past attempts? Any suicide ideation? Yes.
And does she have any other symptoms or thoughts. I’m not sure based on your information she has a solid plan and would act on it. The above assessment is ones I used in crisis setting for adults and children. Often we had to call 911 and have them admitted for observation. Prevention is best.
Saying yes to stop her threats won’t help but if you say no be prepared and get her mother to come over as a support person. I had experience with this with my son too and we had to call 911 remotely. They took him in and he got the help he needed. And went to therapy.
Your wife needs therapy IC first. Then maybe marriage therapy.
Tell her if she threatens suicide again you’ll have her placed on a 72-hour involuntary hold. If you’re sure you do not want children, go get a vasectomy. My husband got one. Super easy, not that painful. I watched him get it done, they don’t use needles or scalpels. It’s a good way to make sure there isn’t an accident. If she’s willing to threaten suicide and not mean it, she’s more than willing to poke holes in a condom. Contact a lawyer. Nobody can compromise on wanting kids. It will lead to resentment and the marriage will be over regardless.
You never should have married her knowing you didn’t agree on having kids. This is the train wreck that was waiting to happen.
The next time she threatens to hurt herself call emergency services. Tell them your wife is threatening suicide and needs emergency help. If she’s serious, then she’ll get the help she needs. If she’s not serious then a 72 hour psych hold will teach her not to manipulate you with that particular threat again.
Don’t have kids you don’t want just so she doesn’t do something stupid.
She either needs serious in-patient help or is toxic and manipulative AF. Both need to be acted upon immediately.
If you give in to her demands because she threatens suicide, she’ll keep threatening suicide for other demands in the future as well. Ask yourself if this is what you’re willing to go through in the long term
Definitely call for emergency help if she’s threatening to harm herself. Do you have cameras? You can have them installed not only outside but inside in shared spaces like the kitchen and living room, if she’s threatening is threatening self harm showing the therapist or her family the extent of her behavior may get everyone on board to seek correct treatment for your wife.
Having had a husband that did commit suicide he never ever said it as a threat. He never said the word at all. This sounds like manipulation. Either way therapy is needed for her. Good luck.
Anybody who threatens suicide as their way to get out of or win an argument is someone who needs serious professional help, regardless of if they intend to act on it or not.
That is not healthy for anybody to say, and whether she means it or is just trying to manipulate you, it isn’t remotely okay for that to be your responsibility.
Say no, be prepared to separate, call emergency services if she threatens to harm herself. You both need help, and you will not get better together.
call 911 next time. have an audio recording on your phone off her threatening to off herself.
call a lawyer. start getting your ducks in a row financially for the divorce.
don’t have sex with her. no birth control can be trusted.
get your most precious and valuable items and important paper work into a storage locker.
this relationship is over.
Do not under any circumstances get her pregnant. In fact make sure she doesn’t somehow have access to your semen (such as throwing away a used condom). She sounds crazy enough to try and turkey baster herself. She is definitely trying to manipulate you, but you should call her bluff and call emergency services the next time she threatens suicide. Either she will get the help she needs, or she will realize that she can’t manipulate you anymore.
Whatever you do, don’t breed with her.
Do NOT have a baby with someone who threatens suicide as an argument tactic.
Are you asking if you should have a child with someone who says they will kill themselves if you refuse?
Get cameras if you don’t leave immediately.
Tell her no. Record the conversation and if she threatens to harm herself call the police. Don’t let her manipulate you with self harm. Send the recording to her mom, and move her stuff there. Change the locks and block her, or move if you can.
Anyone threatening to end themselves isn’t stable enough to be having children.
It sounds like she’s in crisis and this isn’t about kids or a real ultimatum.
It’s not your job to stay with her to prevent her from killing herself, but she’s acting extremely irrationally and it sounds like she needs professional support and oversight.
A woman threatening suicide should not become pregnant. She needs psychiatric help ASAP.
By admitting her ?
You married her, you perhaps more than anyone would know if she’s serious.
But it sounds over the top. I’d get her help ASAP.
And finally, did she change her mind about children since you married? AFAIC it’s a top consideration before marrying. I don’t know how it wasn’t agreed upon in advance.
Why did you bother getting married to someone that wants kids if you don’t want kids?
Youre wasting her time and her viability for having children
End it.
And have your cell phone in hand.
If she threatens suicide again, call 911 and tell them exactly what she is saying and ask for medical help.
You need to call every time she threatens to kill herself then walk away. She’s using this to control you as well.
Pack your shit and gtfo. Nothing good can come from this. Especially not bringing kids into this. Mentally unstable people make for really shitty parents. Just go, your future self will thank you. If she wants to hurt herself, well that’s her choice and her business, it’s not your responsibility.
Sounds like she is excellent mother material (if you plan on raising children that will eventually need to be incarcerated or institutionalized).
People who use this manipulation tactic rarely follow through. Find out if your area has an emergency number just for people feeling suicidal and have it on speed dial, and get out of this relationship.
If she’s serious the only thing you can do is contact medical professionals who are equipped to take care of her. If, as I suspect based on this story alone, it’s a manipulation tactic you need to run. You already know this is a deeply unhealthy relationship and aside from that, kids aren’t a topic you can compromise on. If she wants kids that badly she needs to find a guy who wants them too. Please for the love of everything do not cave to this woman’s demands, it’s only gonna end in disaster! And don’t, under any circumstances, sleep with her. I don’t know what kind of birth control you use, but most of them can be tamperd with.
Threatening you kill yourself is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse. She’s abusive. You need to start planning your exit strategy.
Do not put a baby up in her. If she threatens to unalive herself, call 911 and report it. Either she leaves the home or you do, but you need to hold firm and end the marriage.