**TL;DR; : Diverging levels of intimacy coming to a head, unsure if I am handling it well**.
First time poster on Reddit. My wife and I are not in a good spot. We have been together for 11 years, married 7 and have twin six year old kids. Right now I have a strong suspicion that she is considering divorce with me. We have had on and off issues related to intimacy with me having a higher sex drive and wanting that with her (she is as physically and emotionally attractive as ever to me), and her sex drive diminishing over time. Obviously the sex issue is more of a symptom of other things that we have talked and fought about over time. She has told me what I believe is most of what she feels and thinks about me, but I think she has held back some out of overall kindness and feeling like she can’t be all the way open without me being defensive. The theme there is that she feels like I have lost my own self and identity in lieu of parenting and being of service to the family. She is not completely wrong, I don’t have many friends or activities any more after we got married and moved back to her home town. In the past year I have worked on this and she has been supportive, but maybe not to the extent she wished. I know she sees me as overly sensitive and defensive as well. She once told that would have been a “red flag” if she knew this version of me when we first started dating. The other important factor related to intimacy is that she has been through some rough times with her health in the past 6-7 years, ranging from depression (and established meds that help her) since her teen years, unexplained infertility, IVF and sudden C-section, raising two twin babies with me, a new diagnosis of ADHD and now a myriad of chronic health issues that have resulted in a Fibromyalgia diagnosis. I have come to understand more and more the last few years how that can completely get in the way of any physical intimacy. I have also been diagnosed with depression in the last couple years and have been participating in my own therapy, although I don’t know how well it is helping my general affect a couple years in. I have bouts of being down and having low energy, and I have let that help keep me out of shape and sometimes unmotivated.
That brings me to today. I thought I was trying well and doing a better job of connecting with her outside of physical intimacy, but she clearly does not. This is because I called something out in the best way I thought I could and it blew up in my face. Doing so now when she is in the heart of figuring out this new Fibromyalgia diagnosis may have been a bad idea, but I have also been working in therapy on speaking my truth closer to when I feel it and not holding back (which she largely supports). I have brought up my need for physical intimacy before, and a common part of that discussion is all the valid things physically that get in her way. I have to give credit, she has put effort in to trying to improve her end of things (trying to go off her meds, speaking with doctors, her own therapy). But the premise has always been that she does want more intimacy with me and everything discussed makes it difficult. Recently I noticed two things that I wondered might be occurring. On two occasions I knew that she was “taking care of herself” instead of engaging in that with me. To be clear, any time I have seen a hint of possible sexuality still in her I generally took that as hope for the future. One of these occasions involved her asking me to pick up the kids from day care when she was going to because she was tired, and I took that as valid. When I came home I saw two opposing things: She had taken the time to plant a tree in our yard as a anniversary present (which on its own is awesome), but I also saw the distinguishable charging cord for a sex toy of hers plugged in to the closet. The second time was the other day, I finished working from home when the kids were with her all day and came up to the kids watching some TV. My wife was showering and had the door locked, her bag in our closet where she and I know she keeps her sex toy was all dishelved and when I showered later the massage setting was on. Long and short, I knew that she has a new habit of seeking pleasure specifically without me. If that was only when I wasn’t around, then I don’t think I have the right to comment and she’d deserve privacy. I do the same, not acting any different. But these two instances felt like clear indications of a couple things: (1) she has more of a recent sex drive than she’s shared me and (2) she is okay acting on that without me and, I feel, in spite of me.
I brought this up and it blew up on me. She got very upset and is clearly not interested in having any sort of sex conversation anymore. I am sure that this comes off as me invading her privacy and being insecure. I have my reasons from how I know her that being done with me is on her mind. Part of me is angry that I would be manipulated and not been honest to about how she feels about me. Part of me is thinking I just might be insecure. I want to be treated with respect and want to be wanted, but I also think no matter what it is clear that I need to take a long look in the mirror and consider what I need to do to be the man she might want.
What I am looking for here of you all is : Do you have any takes or advice on if I am in fact reacting too insecurely to what could be a small period of rough patch in the bigger scheme of things? Or if I should be making attempts to be heard about how I might feel? Could be all the above, too. Thanks for any thoughts.
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Get thee to couples counselling; with someone who specialises in relationships affected by ADHD.
A woman with two six-year-olds and a painful chronic health condition who is also on depression meds… is probably not going to be very sexual. Masturbation is probably a lot more comfortable for her than sex + getting another person off.
What is your current sex life like? Is it totally dead or just less often than you’d like?