My wife and I have been pretty sexually “open” since we got together. We have always shared our fetishes/fantasies no matter how unrealistic with each other and done scenarios relating to some of them, the feasible ones at least.

Back in 2020, I was in the shower and an old ex from highschool was in town. She was drunk texting my phone unbeknownst to me. My wife (at the time girlfriend) came into the bathroom when I got out of my shower and held the phone up with the messages there. I explained that we hadn’t spoken in years and my wife said she knows, but told me that I should ask her out anyway. My ex ended up coming over to our place, drinking with us and spending the night.

My ex left town the next day and I kinda just assumed it was a spur of the moment decision. My partner and I had never discussed any sort of threesome or multiple partners before that point. She just said she had a good time and left it at that. I asked if she wanted to do anything similar with another guy and she dismissed the idea as gross.

2022, similar situation. We were in my hometown because my friend was getting married. His sister and my partner were coworkers for a long time, and the three of us struck up a conversation. After a bit of weed and alcohol, the three of us ended up catching an Uber back to the hotel room we were staying in. This time my wife instigated it but spent half the time just watching me with her friend. She seemed to be having fun and said everything was okay when I asked, so party on. We discussed it the next day and she was pretty tight lipped but I could tell she enjoyed herself.

Recently she came to me several times and was being vague, asking strange questions, like what I find attractive in a woman physically et cetera, basically made me describe exactly what I would constitute as a 10/10 woman physically. I tried to dodge around the question but eventually she forced me directly to say it. I uncomfortably described a lot of traits she doesn’t have and felt like an awful person about it. (I said curvy, short redhead; she’s tall and thin with black hair). I expected her to be angry about it but she seemed happy about it.

About a week later she asked me if I would consider dating other women. I panicked a bit and thought she was breaking up with me, and she finally explained that no; she didn’t want to break up, but after seeing me being with other people she realized she liked it. She had fantasies about me fucking other people in front of her, or me going out and cheating on her and telling her about it, and essentially that she liked feeling humiliated. She also asked me to participate in these fantasies, but I’m not sure anymore for a number of reasons.

1. I feel a bit weird that we’ve shared so much with each other in confidence, but she waited almost 5 years to tell me this.

2. I feel kinda used. I know they were threesomes and they were fun, but involuntarily ropeplaying her fantasies feels like a violation of trust, in a way

3. I’m fine with the idea of a threesome but I don’t think I could stomach cheating on my wife, even if it’s consensual. i feel wrong lying, and I can only see it happening if I lie to a girl and say I’m single. Finding someone who will indulge the fantasy knowingly seems unlikely, and even just finding someone who knows I’m married but doesn’t care seems both morally wrong and even less likely.

I might be willing to have sex with other women in front of my wife if she wants that, but again I feel sort of strange about those past experiences now so I’m not sure.

I know this is a big talk that I need to have with her, but I’m just trying to get my brain wrapped around it right now and figure things out before I go into a big talk.