Location: Georgia, USA
My wife and I have been married for 6 years. My wife filed a temporary protective order against me last week. Early in our relationship I had pushed her multiple times (5-10) over multiple fights. I took an anger management class and my physically abusive behavior stopped and we had no more incidents for around 4 years until very recently.
A few weeks ago I pushed her again during an argument. Not long after she left with the kids and filed a Temporary Protection Order against me which was granted.
I am not here to excuse my behavior. Since she and the kids have been gone I’ve been making moves to get the help I need to ensure I never harm anyone again. I understand many abusers will do anything they can to create the appearance of change without making a sincere attempt at actually changing. I sincerely want to do anything I possibly can to ensure I never again repeat the behaviors that have harmed the ones I care about most.
The first thing I did was buy and read the book “Why Does He Do That?”. It was a very humbling and painful thing to read, but it taught me so much about myself that I was in denial about. My initial approach of anger management didn’t help me because I now realize that I wasn’t being abusive because I was angry, I was angry because I was abusive. I now understand the toxic thought patterns that I had that made me feel justified in my behavior. I understand now that I was trying to fix the surface behaviors through anger management, without addressing the underlying causes of my behavior.
I believe I’ve made a real positive breakthrough into what I need to do to truly change. I am doing everything I can including a 24-week state-approved Family Violence Intervention Program, therapy, journaling, and reading. I have spent nearly every moment since she left self reflecting and coming to terms with the real harm I have caused.
On my hearing in a few weeks, I intend to show up and take full accountability without justifications or excuses. I intend to present all of the ways I am striving to become a better man.
Before she filed the TPO she told one of our mutual friends that she wasn’t sure she wanted to follow through with it. She has a good friend who is a prosecutor who convinced her to do it and insisted that she needed to in order to have something on record of my actions. My wife was under the impression that I wouldn’t be able to see her but that we would be able to “trade off” nights at the house so that we could spend equal time with our kids. She told the courts that I am a good father and have never been violent towards our children (I haven’t).
However when she was granted the TPO the judge also barred me from seeing our kids. Our same mutual friend told me that she told him to tell me she was devastated by this and never wanted to separate our kids from me. I am told she greatly regrets filing the TPO.
I understand that I have presented a long pattern of abusive behaviors. I am doing everything I can to make sure I take full responsibility for that and change my behaviors. I am told she is planning to ask to have the TPO dropped at the hearing.
I know that the judge is the one who ultimately decides what will happen, not me or my wife. I am also coming to terms with the fact that my wife and I may never reconcile. Although this causes me much pain I understand that ultimately that is my own fault.
My question is what is likely to happen at the hearing based off of everything I’ve mentioned? Is the judge likely to recognize my sincere efforts? Will he drop the order at my wife’s request, allow me partial custody or visitation, or is he likely to extend the order based on my history? I have always been very active in our children’s lives. I love being a father and I love my kids. I’m extremely scared I may not see our kids again for a long time or even never.
Comments
If she doesn’t want to be protected by the order anymore, they won’t pursue extending it on her behalf. In my own experience they barely even pursue them WITH the victim wanting it extended. Realistically most don’t show up and they drop it. At least where I am
NAL, but from personal, but similar, experience:
You may get court-ordered therapy/ anger management & supervised visitation.
If you’re already in therapy or anger management it may go a long way towards the judge listening to her when she asks to drop the TPO, it may not. “I’m reading a book” won’t likely go far.
You may want to look for some kind of 12-step ongoing group resource so you can have regular meetings, people who understand your situation, a sponsor, and accountability. A therapist might be able to recommend something.
The fact that you’ve been down this road before will probably give the judge pause, so find a lawyer if you haven’t already.
“Violent towards the children” is not the only thing they are looking at.
Violent in front of the children or with the children nearby is very, if not equally, damaging as well.
It’s not possible to say what the judge will do. Perhaps they will drop the order at her request. Perhaps, understanding that victims are often reluctant to pursue restraining orders, will look at your pattern of abuse and not be moved (ie: “you did therapy before and here we are again” type of thing). They might want to wait for you to finish the state program.
You should get an attorney if you want to try and secure the outcome you desire.
NAL but previously worked as an advocate for victims of domestic violence and assisted them in court. Please follow what the judge has ordered. Do not try to contact her or see her.
If she agrees then it is very possible that you could get visitation with your children. It’s impossible to say what any given judge will do though. For some of the worst cases I’ve seen, supervised visitation was ordered but if your wife agrees it may very well be unsupervised. I’ve even seen split custody situations arranged.
While I commend you for wanting to be better. It isn’t going to happen overnight or in a week. I would suggest therapy for yourself and if your wife does drop the order therapy for the both of you.
If your wife doesn’t want to extend and drop it then the judge will drop. She is the one who filed and she doesn’t want to have it against you no more then the judge will likely follow her request. I get the feeling that she will still pursue for a divorce even if she drops the TPO tbh.